Lupin had a vast collection of memories that were carved on his mind. Sometimes people are not sure if they made up the images and sounds to fill in the gaps when a scene occurred many years ago, however, ever since that werewolf bite, Remus' memory kept this type of sequence almost intact. And that night, the night of the attack at the Quidditch World Cup, was no exception.
He was keeping himself informed about the matches in the newspaper Severus had delivered to his house. Ever since his school years, he had always liked to watch sports, it was so exciting to see all that happening right in front of your eyes. Severus never cared too much, out of disinterest or grudge, cheering for a team was never his thing. Except when the match was the classic Slytherin against Gryffindor. Only then, he would make quiet gestures under his robes when his house scored. Lupin did catch a glimpse of that a few times, never confronting him about it, was his little secret.
They were awake after their usual time that night, a combination of taking a long nap after lunch and late afternoon black tea. Remus was in his own bedroom reading a bit, catching up with a novel he had left in the middle by the time Severus went to London. He thought about finishing it during Snape's trip, but he was so brain-fogged back then due to intentional hunger and physical pain, that absorbing more information seemed madness. Lupin hated how inconstant his mental clarity was, he couldn't be sure if he'd be fine next week to perform something that today would be absolutely no trouble at all. He missed being a teenager for that aspect, his brain fog was almost non-existent back then, it only got worse after his twenties.
He was about to flip the pages, almost the end of the chapter when he heard a glass breaking from the kitchen. It would have been weird enough on its own, Severus never dropped anything. But what made Remus rush to him was when he heard many other glasses breaking a few seconds later. He stood up from the bed, ran through the corridor and living room, only stopping instinctively when he heard solitary glass break out of tune. Remus saw Snape's shadow in the wall, he was leaning on the counter in a very low position.
Severus' reaction to Remus's footsteps was practically a wave of shock. Of course, Remus would come for his aid, and yet, feeling his proximity was both comforting and crushing. Snape had no idea what to do with himself at first, all he knew was that he was getting himself a glass of water when he felt a sting on his forearm. It was an acute, sharp, shallow, and annoying tactile feeling, like a grain of sand in his veins. It came from the fangs of the snake marked on his flesh. That was it, even after all his occlumency, this rapid piercing feeling on his skin was all the proof he needed to confirm his worst nightmare had come true. Someone had conjured the Dark Mark. Not the Dark Lord himself, it had a different tune to it, but another Death Eater for sure.
As a consequence for all the anguish Severus was experiencing, his magic - that had been so cemented to create a shield - started to crumble. Soon enough and only for a few seconds, he wasn't able to contain it, breaking all the glasses in the kitchen that were close to him and a jar of cold water. Snape needed to hold onto something, so he grabbed the counter and a final glass, that had been on the top of the counter since the afternoon, rolled down and broke too.
"Severus... are you ok? What happened?" Remus asked carefully, but very concerned as he approached the other. "Are you hurt?" he asked while placing his warm hand over Snape's cold ones
Snape was stiff in place, pale and looking as mortified as Lupin had ever seen him. And to their personal history, this meant quite a lot.
"Talk to me... Did anything enter the house or you were trying a new spell?" Remus asked, this time leaning as well to try making some eye contact. "Say something, please..." he tried, starting to deepen his nervousness
Severus felt his heart sink on his chest.
"Rem..." Snape finally said in a low tone. "You have to get out of here... they might come for me and I don't want them to find you too. You are in danger... and it's my fault. Forgive me, but you have to run away right now" he said, this time looking at Remus directly. It was a heavy sight to be seen, Severus probably didn't notice his eyes were watery as he held Remus' shoulders.
Remus was surprised with the answer, he had no idea what he was talking about. Only when Snape gave a brief look to his covered forearm that Lupin suddenly understood.
"Wait, wait, who is coming, Severus?" he asked. "Are you sure? I noticed you've been casting more spells around the house, but who would find us here? I'll cast some glamour around the place and secure the windows. Just sit down for a moment and don't walk around, there is glass all over the floor" Remus said getting very wired up all of a sudden
"Us. He said us. He didn't give up on you yet" That was all that resonated in Severus' heart and all he could think of is how much he didn't deserve him. Lupin was so fast repairing his window from the kitchen and casting protective spells on it that Severus didn't have time to react further into telling him to leave and save his life.
Severus had the first mental impulse to articulate whatever words would make Remus run away. All he could think of was how good he was at hurting people's feelings and that maybe this would be the only way. But seeing his lover's shadow in the corridor casting spells to protect him, he just couldn't bring himself to hurt him more than he knew he would.
After regaining some level of control, Snape went outside to cast the glamour Lupin talked about, Severus wouldn't want Remus to expose himself unnecessarily. On his return to the inside, Snape sealed the door and the floo network. Remus awaited for him at the kitchen, now without shattered glass on the ground and with a restituted cup of water waiting for him by the table. Lupin seemed concerned, but not proportionally to Snape's terror.
The werewolf observed his lover sit close to him silently. They exchanged a few words about the rooms and entrances being safe. Lupin was ready to be firm with Severus and demand some answers, but when he saw his hand shaking while reaching the cup, his heart softened against his will.
"Now, the windows are all as safe as the ones in Hogwarts when we had dementors there, and I assume your house looks abandoned when seen from the outside. So, tell me Severus, what is going on? You're scaring me, honestly" Remus said holding his hand in a far more tender way than he intended
Severus felt his lips tremble in sadness, he looked at Lupin in solemn silence and for a moment, Lupin retributed the look because he somehow knew, that the words to be uttered next would change everything. They lingered in that thin light that connected their gaze, that last loving look, that last glimpse of twilight in the most beautiful day, that one last time they would be allowed to feel what they truly wanted for each other.
They instinctively met each other midway in the charged air that separated them, with their arms entwined, Lupin held Snape close and touched his hair the same way he would do to say goodbye before his lover left for a trip he'd never come back from.
"It's ok, it's ok, I got to say good-bye this time. Wasn't this what you always wished you could have done when it was Lily and James?" Lupin thought as he felt thick tears roll down his cheeks. "Why won't you let me stay? I don't want to leave you" he cried in a low tone to Severus
Severus held him strongly and brushed Lupin's arm in a comforting way.
"I love you too much... to condemn you, Remus. I know I cannot save you if the worst takes place and I could never forgive myself if anything happened to you. It is unthinkable to me to endanger you this way, make you live in fear by my side... I can't steal your chance to have a happy life, I can't... you deserve so much more" Snape said while still in their embrace.
Snape felt Remus go first a little stiff on his arms and later, he felt him crumbling ever so slightly inside the solid structure of their embrace.
The truth is that Severus had never said he loved him before.
Remus certainly loved him back, even when he was heartbroken and hexing Severus away from his bedroom, his love for him made his heartache like an open wound on that occasion. Lupin never said it because he was too afraid Snape wouldn't say it back, he simply didn't want to lose him, didn't matter if he felt lonely in the feeling sometimes. Severus was difficult to reach, walls built all around him, but his actions never contradicted the words he never said.
"Oh, Sev..." Lupin said frowning and still in tears. "Why didn't you say it before? Of course, I love you too. How could I not?" Remus buried his fingers in his dark hair. They both had tears in their eyes as they faced each other and before they knew, they were kissing. A kissed embedded in sorrowed delight and compassed heartbeats. Severus touched Remus' face in his jawline and back, forgetting how in pain he was. Remus was unconsciously trying to memorize all Severus' reactions, all little somethings for he knew this would be a moment he'd miss for the rest of this life.
Explaining to Remus why they had slipt up made Severus hate himself deeply, burring a knife in his chest would have hurt less. It was the strangest and most devastating feeling to look at those beautiful eyes that still had so much love resonating on them and telling Remus they couldn't be together anymore. Severus couldn't stop thinking how unnatural this felt, this is not how he envisioned this moment, he always believed breakups happen when there is no longer love. But he still loved him, the tears in their eyes had indistinguishable ownership after their kiss. Seemed silly, but Severus never gave thought that after breaking up with Remus, he'd still be there physically, Severus always pictured Remus disintegrating in thin air, like it was all a dream, the end of a story so beautiful that it could have never possibly existed.
Remus listened carefully to Severus's narrative after they both calmed down a little, how the Slytherins at school influenced their own housemates to participate in the dark arts far more openly back in their time. How he always knew there was something inherently dark about his magic and how much he had always been drawn to it. Severus tried to skip the parts in which he admitted feeling powerless against the things that were done to him at school, he made sure to say he could have handled it any other way, but he chose to do that. In fact, no one made him accept the mark he held, he extended his forearm willingly. And he regretted it.
While he looked at Remus, he knew what he was thinking. During Snape's narrative, the atmosphere between them had already changed and both knew the warmth in their hearts had never felt more like a candle in the wind. They wanted to protect it, but they knew it was time to put all the cards on the table.
"No, Rem... This is not your fault... or your friend's fault. I was a grown man when I joined them, I had been involved for more than enough time to call it my own doing. I would take it back if I could... all of it" Snape nodded slightly to himself. "I need to show you, you deserve to know the truth"
They looked at Severus' covered forearm for a moment while Snape undid his small black buttons. For a moment, Snape dismissed his gaze from his action, embarrassed and defeated. He looked back at his arm as he rolled his white shirt up, finally revealing the Dark Mark.
By now, Remus had his long fingers over his mouth. He blinked heavily as if Snape had said something terribly insulting to him on a personal level. Remus was wounded to see Voldemort's mark on his lover, all the pain and loss from years ago coming back to the surface with rage.
"How could you, Severus?" Lupin asked angrily, taking Severus's hand away from his shoulder. "I'll ask just this once and I swear if you lie to me I'll turn you to whoever I have to" Severus was scared with the reaction but said nothing because he honestly thought he deserved much worse. "Did you know... Did you know that he would kill James and Lily? You truly didn't know Sirius was innocent all along?" Lupin asked with severity
"Of course! He doesn't know about Lily" Severus thought, feeling haunted by her ghost. He gathered his thoughts and replied. "I swear to you, Remus, I didn't know. This was the first event that made me regret everything the way I do. I know it sounds conspicuous, but believe me, Lilian meant a lot to me. She was my closest friend until I pushed her away, even with her being married to James... I could never, ever, participate in anything that would result in her death"
"Except you did" Remus said bitterly
This felt like a sharp stab on Severus, but he was almost relieved for finally having someone tell him he is to blame. It was validation for the guilt of so many years accumulated on his throat.
"Except I did" Snape nodded briefly to himself. "And this is why, Remus... I can't do the same to you. If someone must act in a dangerous zone, let this person be me, and me alone. Too many good people died, the thought you can be the next... I just can't let this happen" Snape said closing his fist on his lap
"You're so selfish, you know, sometimes I can't believe you," Remus said looking at Severus with indignation
"I don't follow"
"After all your actions contributing indirectly to the loss of all my closest friends, you still think you're entitled to choose the danger I want to put myself into? All that so you don't get to feel guilty if something happens to me? Yes, Severus, I understand why we can't be together anymore..." Lupin said closing his eyes and touching them with the tip of his fingers. "And it hurts me in a way you wouldn't believe..." He looked back at Severus. "But don't think for a single second that I'll run away when the time comes for all of us to fight against him. This is much greater than you and your pain"
This was a shocking statement to Severus, he was very used to deal with Slytherins that have self-preservation as an instinct. This is the reason why so many Death Eaters evaporated instantly when the Dark Lord descended. But Lupin wasn't like this, he was a Gryffindor, loyal to the very end and with an unshakable sense of justice. Of course, he'd fight, not now, but one day.
But Severus didn't want to think about it. Regardless if Remus would raise his want to the Dark Lord's face one day, this certainly didn't have to be induced by the Death Eaters discovering their relationship. This could be the end for even more people associated with Remus. Maybe the werewolf was right, Snape was indeed trying to rid himself of more guilt. But aside from his self-centered ways to spare himself, Snape was also truthful to the fact he wanted Remus safe.
They finished their conversation, being quiet and alert at the kitchen for a moment. It felt like sitting on the cold floor after a storm ripped a house apart. They remained awake inside Severus' bedroom, charming the door in their way in. Severus was so unquiet he couldn't sleep, he was still afraid Death Eaters would come to his house. However, Remus started to feel very sleepy around three in the morning, he had never been a great candidate for night watches. He struggled against it, but eventually gave in.
Severus knew all he had to do was wait until sunset, the Death Eaters wouldn't act during daylight after so long in the shadows. He invited Remus to lay down in bed next to him for one last time. Remus accepted, heartbroken, and comforted at the same time because he also desired to feel Severus' scent closely before waking up on their first day being parted, living separate lives.
Severus leaned his back in the headboard and a pillow, facing the door not to let his guard down. Remus easily spotted a comfortable place for him to snuggle on Severus, feeling both his scent and heartbeat close to Snape's chest. Severus caressed Lupin's hair slowly until he was asleep and watched the bedroom for them until he saw the first rays of light coming from the window.
The following day, Snape woke up agitated only a few hours after he had fallen asleep by Remus' side. The werewolf was still resting so he let him be, going to the kitchen to make coffee. Snape would normally stay longer in bed to enjoy the company, but from today on, this would only make things worse.
Snape was articulating plans on what he would do and where Remus could go. Most scenarios seemed very unrealistic.
"Can't believe I'll have to find a way to make my letter reach Narcisa. She's probably concerned with Draco and Lucius, she must still have hope this will end" Snape thought as he went outside to reinforce his spells while the water heated in the kitchen
But when he opened the door, he lost his temper with what he saw. Severus cursed and fetched the letter with Dumbledore's handwriting from his doorstep.
"You..." he said angrily referring to the famous wizard while he read the letter standing under his open door. In moments such as this, Snape almost regretted changing who he served. Not for a matter of ethics and doing the right thing, but because being under Voldemort's orders was far more rewarding in terms of being respected and actually getting something in return. With Dumbledore, the self-entitled bright side of the force, you'd only lose and maybe be a semi-spendable pawn if you're lucky. "You had no right..." he said in hatred
Snape would curse him more, but as soon as he understood Dumbledore took his choice away, the same way he did to Remus, he shut himself up mentally and swallowed his pride.
When Remus woke up, he joined Severus for coffee, starting to think with sadness about packing his things and letting Severus know he'd be at the Grimmauld Place with Sirius. His friend did invite him to stay there and Remus was already considering the possibility for the school year anyway. He was about to start talking about it, but he saw Dumbledore's letter being read by a very distraught Severus Snape in the kitchen he decided to wait just another moment.
Remus sat by his side and fetched coffee for himself using magic. There was also a copy of the Daily Prophet scattered on the table, the conjured Dark Mark in the sky at the Quidditch World Cup camping probably made the front page of every single magical newspaper today. There was still a little spark of hope in Remus that Severus could have been exaggerating over accumulated guilt, but this certainly was more proof than anyone ever requested. This was happening, Voldemort would be back.
It was a strange sight to see Severus wearing short sleeves. He didn't have to hide anymore and Remus hated to admit that seeing the same mark of the newspaper tattooed magically on his ex-lover's forearm made him feel relieved somehow that he was leaving.
"What did Dumbledore say after all?" Remus asked while sipping his coffee. "Wait... Is Harry ok?" Remus finally snaped
"He is. However, he, Miss Granger, and some of the Weasleys were camping where the attack took place. They are all safe nonetheless" Snape said without taking his eyes out of the printed words
"Good thing Mr. Weasley was probably there with them" Lupin pondered
"Indeed. And apparently, Dumbledore has his own plans to where I should be. He took the liberty of writing on my behalf to visit the Durmstrang Institute until the end of recess"
"Excuse me, what?" Remus asked confused
"We are hosting the Triwizard Tournament at Hogwarts this year. Minerva was assigned to spend some time at Beauxbatons to straighten the bonds with the headmistress. And after yesterday's events I will be going to Durmstrang to do the same... with Igor Karkaroff, their headmaster... and also former Death Eater."
"His trial was rough, I remember that," Remus said in a reflexive way. "Why is Dumbledore sending you there, more specifically?"
"To keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't try to make the Dark Lord's access to Potter easier. As Headmaster, Dumbledore can't uninvite him from staying at the castle so I'll have to stay on his surroundings and report any activity that might indicate he is still loyal to the order" Snape explained displeased
"So you will be gone to the North soon I suppose," Remus said quietly
Snape finally let the newspapers he held fold on themselves. Severus had been fooling himself for the past ten minutes he was fine with the breakup but this tone of voice, this was too hard to assimilate.
"Yes, I'll be packing and leaving in two days" Severus answered also letting out a sincere tone of sadness. "In normal circumstances, I'd gladly let you stay here in my absence. But I believe it isn't safe for you, I've been thinking about where you could go instead"
Lupin skipped a heartbeat when Severus referred to their union as a "normal" situation as if this would have been the only logical thing in a world none of this was happening. And yet, he wasn't so sure Severus would be happy with what he would announce next.
"I appreciate your concern Severus, you helped me and gave me a place to stay all this long. But I'm afraid I have also been keeping information from you" Severus frowned while Lupin said those words. "I received a letter from Sirius recently and -"
"Wait, where? Here?" Snape interrupted in disbelief
"Yes, here. Arrived while you weren't home. Anyway, he said he is at the Grimmauld Place and since he presumed – correctly - that I wouldn't be able to teach at Hogwarts after that night, he said I could stay there with him"
Severus was too afraid to ask if, in his so-called normal circumstances, Remus would rather stay at this house or accept Sirius's invitation. So he didn't.
"I see... Well, I'm... glad you have a safe place to stay. And that you'll be in the company of a friend, wouldn't want you to be alone" Snape answered
Snape was lying. He'd much rather have Lupin alone in his house than imagining the two of them being casually mean to him in conversation. But this childish concern didn't matter now, this was best for Remus, he had enough Wolfsbane, probably a huge place to transform, and... someone to give him company or even care for him when he felt unwell or debilitated. Not that Sirius was in his best shape after thirteen years of having Dementors suck his happiness away, deep isolation, and a year of eating scraps as a dog, but it was by far better than leaving Remus alone with his thoughts.
"In that last part, I can believe" Remus said in light humor, was no secret to him that Snape would react badly. "It's a hidden place, we'll be safe, he is also hiding. And he mentioned Dumbledore is aware where he is"
"That I know" Snape answered grumpily
"What do you mean?"
"Dumbledore wrote he 'would have sent me his letter earlier', but he believed having 'two owls in the same neighborhood' would be too suspicious. Remus, honestly, I can't stand how he always keeps me one step behind in information when it comes to everything concerning Black. It is, at the very least, impractical"
"Certainly doesn't help you two getting along," Lupin said out of reflex receiving a dirty look from Severus. That idea has always been inconceivable to the Slytherin. "As you know, I haven't brought much, I will pack my things and I'll go before it's dark again," Lupin said quietly
"I'll help you with the indetectable expansion spell for the Wolfsbanes, I can configure something for them not to shake while you move" Severus announced while getting up
"Sev..."
Being called like this made Severus close his eyes in pain, there was a sting on his heart while he stood in place, his back facing Remus.
"Thank you" Remus said
"Anytime... Rem" Severus replied finally leaving the kitchen