Chapter Thirty-Three: Perspective
A week later, Jeongguk found himself at the top of a small mountain. He was sweating, having spent the entire morning treading the pathway that snaked up the side of it. While it wasn't exactly a long trek, it had been hellish in the heat, and Jeongguk had just about been ready to curse out the place; had practically been about to beg Jeongyeon hands and knees to pick the other venue, even if it wasn't as pretty. But that was before he set eyes upon it.
Suddenly the trek up the mountain side (which really hadn't been that long) didn't seem to matter much anymore. The grass seemed greener than down below, tall trees cast a nice shade over the place and there was a small pond where birds swam around. A canopy of leaves and flowers hung over the tables and chairs, Haeji and his mother standing underneath it. Namjoon, Taehyung and Jeongyeon were walking around the dance floor. Namjoon was observing the wood, pointing out the quality of it, which made Jeongyeon laugh for some reason. Taehyung was looking at the fairy lights above it, his own eyes mirroring the twinkle of them. He sort of resembled a fairy too. The oversized shirt he was wearing, white, and buttoned low, made him seem delicate. His baggy black pants made him feel light, as if he could easily take flight. His earrings and sunglasses gave him a lavish feel; he looked affluent in his black beret and leather loafers.
He hadn't uttered a single word to him in a week. He barely saw him; Taehyung wasn't in the house much anymore. Either in the pool or out in town when Jeongguk was home, only home when Jeongguk wasn't. He didn't know if it was just a coincidence, a part of him wanted to hope it was, but he doubted it. The answer was clear as day, Taehyung didn't want to be around him.
He spent his time with Hoseok. They biked around town, went to the bookstore, to the beach, to the market, ate food and sweets, swam in the sea. Being around him freed his mind, gave him something to do, something else to think about; they had fun. He felt like Hoseok was a good influence on him. He was starting to pick up on some things that he did, how he spoke with clarity, as if what he was saying was the truth, how he beamed at people when they bid hello, making them feel heard. How he seemed to live without fear. But spending time with Hoseok was a double-edged sword. Being around Hoseok, hanging out with him, made his stomach churn with what he could only call guilt.
It was stupid. Nothing had changed––it wasn't like they had been talking before, but for some reason, the knowledge that, now, it was Taehyung's decision, made it so much worse. It was the realisation that Taehyung––the Taehyung who, as far as he knew, had never in his life raised his voice––was mad at him. Or that's what he thought, at least. Taehyung had always kept his mind to himself. Reading him was like reading a doctor's handwriting.
Jeongguk was angry at himself for allowing it to bother him so much. But he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop thinking about Taehyung. He couldn't stop analysing his behaviour, wonder what it all meant––but it was no use. Because Taehyung wasn't acting like himself.
It was confusing. Jeongguk had been so certain, absolutely convinced, that only seconds after Hoseok's arrival, Taehyung would, as always, sweep him off his feet. It felt truly bizarre, simply illogical, to be the one who had gotten there first. But now, Taehyung wasn't even trying to connect with Hoseok, but he was unfriendly and aloof. Jeongguk wondered if it was his fault––knew it was his fault. He had monopolised Hoseok, denied Taehyung access to him. He couldn't stop thinking about how he must have felt when he walked down the stairs that morning, only to find that he and Hoseok were already gone.
A sick part of him felt like Taehyung deserved it. To feel as he had once felt, alone and abandoned. But he knew it was unfair. Because Taehyung had never avoided him on purpose, never deliberately kept him out of things. When he had started hanging out with the swim-team, he had introduced him to everyone, he had invited him to their parties, included him. But Jeongguk hadn't wanted to be included, he had felt like a fish out of water around all those swimmers. He had just wanted to keep Taehyung to himself. For the three of them to be alone as before, Taehyung, Jeongguk and Jimin. But it wasn't Taehyung's fault people were interested in him. It wasn't his fault he made new friends. That he was invited places. It wasn't his fault he had less time, what with juggling swimming and a whole new social circle. But it hurt all the same, because Jeongguk knew he would treasure Taehyung's time better than all the others. But maybe that was precisely because, for him, Taehyung's time was harder to come by.
It was getting harder and harder to put these thoughts out of his mind. His chest was heavy all the time, his heart stiff like a rock. To get his mind off things, he tried focusing on his photography, documenting everything: the sunrises and sunsets, the view from the balcony, the roofs of the houses and the sea in the distance; and he walked around the town photographing the markets, the corner cafés, the potted plants, the beach and the sea, the trees, and the sea, always the sea.
He snuck around the house to take candid photos of the family; his mother lounging out on the patio, mesmerised by the view, Sejin cutting up fruit in the kitchen, Haeji watering the plants, and of course, of Namjoon and Jeongyeon. He was thinking of making an album for them to reminisce of the wedding and their time there, reminded of his father's album, the one they had looked at earlier in the spring.
When behind the camera, he forgot all of his troubles. Not only was it the shot itself that overtook his mind––the lighting and the frame of the photograph, the focal point and (if they were of people) how to snap a good shot before anyone noticed him––the project itself also made him think of something else. Doing this, the same thing his father had done when he had been here fourteen years ago, in the same house, planning a wedding just as he was now, made him feel better. And suddenly he understood perfectly what Hoseok had been talking about the other day. Just looking through the lense made him feel closer to him.
Another thing that helped was talking to Jimin. He sent him photographs of the island, told him all about it, the house, the people, the sea and the cliffs. He told him about Hoseok and about Haeji and Sejin. He said nothing about Taehyung and Jimin didn't ask. He was all smiles; he loved his photographs and thought the Jungs seemed lovely. He was disappointed to hear that he wouldn't be able to meet Jeongguk's "new best friend" as Jimin called Hoseok, as he would be gone by then. He also filled him in on everything happening at home. Yoongi had, for example, adopted a cat, something which had made Jeongguk way too happy. The cat had gotten a cat.
But Jimin also told him something else. Mina had started seeing someone. And once again, Jeongguk was thinking of Taehyung, wondering if he knew. As he looked at him, where he walked around the dancefloor, observing the fairy-lights, he hoped he didn't, as he knew it would probably hurt. They had broken up around a month ago.
"Jeongguk?"
He almost jumped; he had forgotten Hoseok was sitting beside him. He looked to his left and met his amused eyes. He was smiling. "Hello," he said.
"Hi."
"You good?"
"Yeah ... just thinking."
He looked out at the view. From where they sat, they could see everything. The entire town was laid out in front of them, colors of the roofs, beautiful. The ocean danced in the far distance.
"Been a while since I was last here," Hoseok said.
"Yeah?"
"Not since the wedding."
That is, Haeji's and Sejin's wedding.
"Fourteen years. You were, what, nine?"
"Yep. And you were four."
It didn't feel like he was that much older than him. Except for maybe the fact that he was so secure in himself. But maybe that didn't have much to do with age, and more to do with who you were as a person. Hoseok was effortless and unapologetic––and he was always himself. He was mature, loving and had a refreshing outlook on life. Jeongguk had a feeling that no matter what life threw at him, Hoseok answered with a smile.
"I envy you," Jeongguk said, low voice.
Hoseok looked at him. "Why?"
He hadn't really meant to say it, and now that he had, he wished he could take it back. In the distance, he could see the teal of the ocean, further away the darker blue, so very beautiful. He wasn't used to seeing this every day. He pointed outwards. "Just ... all this. At your very fingertips."
It wasn't exactly a lie. He did envy Hoseok for living here. Every time he thought he had already seen the best of Jeju, something new and exciting happened, and he felt in awe all over again. The wonders of the island kept unfolding one by one, like a russian doll, each layer of its beauty revealing itself to him, one at a time, every layer better than the last.
"I could say the same thing to you," Hoseok said.
Now, Jeongguk tore his eyes away from the sea, doubtful. "Really?"
"Really. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was go to Seoul."
"I thought you loved it here."
Hoseok had lived his entire life on Jeju Island. He had grown up in the same house, gone to the same school, with the same people, his entire life. Many of the friends he had were some he had gotten to know in kindergarten. They were his family.
"I do. But it was never as good as Seoul, in my eyes. Seoul was exciting. I wanted to see all the buildings, how they pierced the sky. I wanted to see the crowds, the markets, the culture. Experience the city life."
"Really, it's just loud. And messy."
Hoseok chuckled. "And here it's so quiet and boring."
Hearing those words made something click within Jeongguk's mind. He realised something he did a lot, had done for a very long time, and that was believing that everyone else lived a more interesting, more fulfilling life than he did. Who knew how many times he had done this before? Degraded his own worth into nothing, constantly comparing himself to others. Thinking that his life was uninteresting, that he was uninteresting, while putting others on pedestals. How much harm had he done unto himself by thinking this way?
But hadn't his way of thinking harmed others too? One person came to mind instantly. Mina. He thought about how he had judged her, how much her perfection had annoyed him. He remembered what Namjoon told him, earlier in the spring, about how much pressure she had to endure. He realised that he had painted a picture of her that was, on some levels––most levels, untrue.
And he realised he was doing it again, right now, with Hoseok. In his mind, he was painting him out to be perfect, putting him on a pedestal. Hoseok was secure. Hoseok lived in the perfect place. Hoseok was everything he wasn't. And it just wasn't true.
He had never found Jeju to be boring, but that didn't mean it couldn't be boring for someone else, especially if one had lived there their whole life. And to someone else, like Hoseok, Seoul didn't seem loud or messy at all, but exciting and packed with culture, everchanging. Jeongguk had thought it to be the ideal life; growing up with the same people, having that net of security around him at all times, but as Hoseok went on to explain, he realised how the very things Jeongguk perceived as ideal, could make someone like Hoseok feel trapped.
Hoseok had big dreams. Growing up, he had worshipped various dance idols, k-pop groups, and rappers. His bedroom walls had been covered in posters, he had listened to every song and dreamed to go to concerts in Seoul. Living on the island was a constant reminder to him that he was a nobody. While he could easily go over to the mainland (he only needed to hop on a ferry) it wasn't the same as growing up in the midst of it all. He had always felt he had been tucked away from the rest of the world. Growing up on Jeju had made Hoseok's dreams of being a star feel like just that, dreams.
Jeongguk smiled to himself. "The grass is always greener ..."
Hoseok nodded. "And it's interesting ..." Hoseok shifted on the bench, turning towards him. "You don't realise how lucky you are, until you find that supposed greener grass, and realise, it's not comparable at all. Like for instance, I was looking at a school in LA, before I came here ..."
Jeongguk nodded. "Haeji mentioned it."
"Typical," Hoseok said, but there was warmth in his voice. "She uses every chance she gets to brag about me. Anyways, I was there for two weeks. And at first, it was a real dream come true. The city, the people, the culture––it was just the opposite to what I'm used to. Everything was so exciting. But the weird thing is that after a while, the fact that everything was so different just made me miss home."
"And that's why you came back?"'
"Yeah. I was ... homesick," he said, tasting the word on his tongue.
"So, are you not going to accept?"
Hoseok shook his head. "It would be stupid of me not to. I know I need a change. And I did love it there. I just think I need to properly say goodbye. It's much harder than I thought, leaving your whole life behind. It's sort of––and I know this sounds cliche––but it really is like leaving a piece of yourself."
"Leaving a piece of yourself ... that doesn't sound all that appealing to me." Jeongguk wasn't very fond of change. Didn't like when things suddenly shifted, completely out of his control. Something that you had always taken for granted, something that had always been within reach, suddenly sitting on the highest shelf, no chair in sight.
Hoseok was looking out at the sea. He was thinking. After a while, he said, "But isn't it better to leave a piece of yourself than to lose sight of who you are?"
It didn't seem like a rhetorical question. The way the words had rolled off his tongue, as if they had escaped before he had truly known what to do with them, told Jeongguk that he wanted Jeongguk's opinion on it, wanted to know what he thought.
But Jeongguk was not able to answer. For two reasons. One, he did not feel like he knew the answer––and two, Jeongyeon was yelling at him from across the venue.
"Don't just sit there, Jeongguk! You have a job to do!"
And Jeongguk smiled. "Duty calls," he said, grabbing a hold of his camera as he stood up.
***
His and Hoseok's mother were huddled together by a table in one corner, talking about the venue in hushed voices. Hoseok and Jeongguk sat on the table next to them, looking at each other with bemused grins.
"What do you think?" they were saying.
"I like the other one much better."
"Of course, it is their call."
But both looked like they wanted to share their opinions.
It wasn't that the second venue was bad or anything, it was quite lovely; a small garden of sorts, with tables and chairs and a stone dance floor, soft lighting and plants scattered about. But after having spent the entire morning in what Jeongguk now considered to be paradise, this venue seemed, well, bland.
However, Jeongguk was thankful to sit down. He needed to rest. The day had been long and tiring––and it was far from over. Instead of going home, they had booked a table at a restaurant down-town, and they would head over there to eat dinner. As it was only late afternoon, Jeongguk wasn't sure what they would do before that, though. Probably walk even more. He could feel the soles of his feet ache at the thought. At least he would get to sit down and recharge at the restaurant. They would eat and drink, talk and talk, slow and steady. Sometimes meals could take two or three hours, depending on whether you were in good company, and of course, whether the food itself was good.
He broke his train of thought, wary of the fact that if he started thinking about food too much, he would get hungry. He instead focused on his surroundings and saw that Jeongyeon was walking towards them. She was light in her step, wearing a flowery dress, ballerina shoes and a sunhat, observant and deep in thought. It seemed she was taking this venue just as much into account as the other one, spending as much time looking at everything and getting a feel for the place. Now, she stopped in front of them, observing the little group. "Well," she said, smiling, "what do you think?"
Haeji shifted. "I think it's very nice," she said.
"Yes ..." His mother cleared her throat. "It's lovely."
Jeongyeon eyed them. "I'd prefer if you told me what you really think."
The two blushed and then shared a glance, mirroring each other's rather sheepish smiles.
"We don't want to influence your decision," his mother said.
"Well, I value your opinions," Jeongyeon said. She then turned to the two boys. Jeongguk thought she was going to ask them what they thought as well, but instead, she tucked her hip to the side and addressed Hoseok. "Do you mind if I steal Jeongguk away from you for a bit?"
Jeongguk blinked, as the question rendered to him. He was confused, also a little offended. Before Hoseok managed to answer, he raised his hand and butted in. "Why are you asking him?"
"Because," Jeongyeon said, "you don't have a choice, mister." She was smiling to herself, enjoying this way too much. Jeongguk glared at her.
Meanwhile, Hoseok was laughing. "Fine by me," he said. "Take him all you want."
"I am not an object," Jeongguk said, but stood up all the same. Content, Jeongyeon started walking away. He waved the others goodbye and followed her towards the gate which led out of the venue.
"Am I in trouble?" he asked, jogging to catch up with her.
"Nope. We're just going to have a little chat."
That didn't sound very promising.
Across the street from the venue was a public park. It wasn't very big, but clearly popular among the locals. A group of kids were playing ball on the grass, a young girl sat below a tree with a book, an old woman was walking her equally old dog, who was sniffing the flowers.
Jeongyeon led him to a bench and sat down, urging him to do the same. She clasped her hands together. "Alright, Guk," she said. And then nothing more, clearly thinking of what she wanted to say, how she wanted to say it. Jeongguk waited. While Jeongyeon did sometimes have a tendency of trying to test his patience, this was different. It was clear she was trying to find the best way to say whatever it was she wanted to say. This was something important, Jeongguk could tell.
Before she spoke, Jeongyeon cleared her throat. "You know how Seokjin's coming in two weeks?"
Jeongguk didn't really know what he had been expecting, but it was not that. "I didn't know that," he said, slowly.
"I could have sworn I'd told you." But she didn't ponder about it. She shrugged. "Well, he's coming to help with the wedding."
"I see." But Jeongguk didn't see at all. He couldn't figure out where she was going with this, what she was trying to say.
"Do you know how that's possible?"
"Uuuhh ... he's no longer working?" he guessed.
Jeongyeon smiled. "Not what I meant."
Then what did you mean? He was growing impatient. While he adored his sister, her tendencies to be mysterious annoyed him. Especially when he felt lost in a conversation with her.
"It's possible, because of you."
Jeongguk stared at her blankly. "Me?"
Jeongyeon nodded. "All thanks to you."
"I don't understand."
"Because you meddled, Guk. Because you sent him an invitation, which dragged him all the way across the country. Because you helped us reconcile. Thanks to you, I got my best friend back."
Was that what this conversation was about? Was she thanking him? That didn't feel right. Jeongyeon wasn't the type of person who would sit down and have a heartfelt conversation with you. Especially not with Jeongguk. And technically, inviting Jin to the wedding had been a total accident. And if anyone should get the credit for that, it should be Taehyung, rather than he.
"Why are you telling me this?" Jeongguk asked.
"Because ... now it's my turn to meddle."
And then it clicked. This conversation wasn't about the wedding, or Seokjin, or about her relationship with him. This conversation was about Taehyung, and his relationship with him. And she wasn't trying to thank him, she was trying to screw his head back on straight. Jeongguk didn't really know if it needed screwing.
Jeongyeon sighed. "You and Taehyung, you have a bond, a strange bond. I always thought you were the weirdest person I knew, but that was until I met Taehyung. Because you together, that's when things get strange. I can't remember how many times I've observed you two when you're in your own world, doing your own thing, being just ... weird."
It was a strange way to compliment someone. But Jeongyeon had always had a strange way of doing things like that. A strange way of telling you she loved you. A strange way of letting you know she cared. But her warm smile was a clear enough sign. Her adoring voice. Her laughter.
"I'm not kidding, Guk," she said, laughing. "I onced walked in on the two of you walking around on your hands in the living room."
Jeongguk couldn't help but laugh too. But at the same time, it hurt. The memories hurt.
"I don't think I can truly grasp what you really mean to each other, but I just know that what you two have goes deep. Which is why it makes me sad to see you fighting. It's why I'm scared that you two might go down the same path Jin and I went."
Taking a pause, she placed her arms on her knees and looked out over the garden, observing the kids throwing the ball around. She then continued. "Jin and I ... we had our problems beforehand. We were constantly fighting. In a sense, we were too similar––both very stubborn, both very passionate people, a bit prideful. So, it only made sense that we fell out for a while. But we should have been able to fix it. If we had only talked to each other, like adults––had we just talked, right off the bat, then I would have had my best friend with me for the past four years of my life."
Four years was a long time. Four years ago, Jeongguk hadn't known Taehyung even existed. Four years from now, would he pretend he didn't exist? The thought of it did something to his heart.
Jeongyeon continued, "And the reality is ... that I missed him. So much. All the time. Four years, I never really let go of him. We were like platonic soulmates. But I was too stubborn to reach out. You hear that? I let my pride get in the way of reconnecting with the best friend I've ever had."
Jeongguk could hear the frustration in her voice. Just looking at her, listening to her, showed him clearly how much her falling out with Jin had affected her; how much of a loss it had been, not having him around those four years.
"Namjoon was the one who made me understand how dumb it is to live believing the other is in the wrong, instead of simply reaching out. We all have our own narrative; we all have our own reasons and perspective. And it's hard to just take all of the blame. It's human nature to deflect responsibility."
Jeongguk was conflicted. On one hand, he agreed with what his sister was telling him, but on the other hand, he didn't feel like the situation was his fault. He didn't feel like he was in the wrong. "But what if ..." he said. "What if Taehyung really is the one who should apologise? Who should come to me?"
"Well, for one, it's hard to approach you when you're acting like you hate his guts. Maybe he thinks you want him to leave you alone. Maybe he thinks he's not allowed to talk to you."
Jeongguk thought about what he said to him, the night of the engagement party, the night when everything started, or maybe ended, more accurately. Just stay away from me.
"Besides, it's not like you haven't done something to apologise for ..."
Jeongguk jerked his head towards her. "You know?"
Jeongyeon just shrugged. "I don't know anything in particular. But from my perspective, you are hanging out with Hoseok, and Taehyung is alone."
She was right. Jeongguk hated how right she was.
"Now, I don't know exactly what happened. But I'm guessing you can probably talk about it." After a small silence, she added, "Just ... please don't make the same mistake I did."
Jeongguk nodded and observed his hands as they lay in his lap. "Since when did you get so wise and selfless?"
Jeongyeon smiled. "Namjoon made me wise. But I'm still selfish. I'm getting married, Guk. And that means, you and Taehyung are going to be around each other a lot. And I don't want you bringing all that tension around. So, really, I am only doing this to make sure you guys don't ruin my marriage."
Jeongguk grinned, mischief flooding his veins. "Oh, I think you're doing a fine enough job yourself."
Jeongyeon's jaw dropped. "Asshole. Is this how you decide to thank me?"
Jeongguk stood up and bowed. "Beloved sister, thanketh for the lecture––" He jumped back as she tried to kick him–– "But I must now take my leave." He yelped as she stood up. "Toodles!" he said before he ran away. He ran out of the garden, over the street and did not stop until he was inside the venue again. He leaned his back against the gate, breathing. Thinking too.
Across the venue, he saw Namjoon and Taehyung together, having a conversation. It seemed intimate enough––he wondered if the to be husband and wife had taken it upon themselves to talk to their respective brothers. He wondered if Taehyung would think the same thing he was thinking.
Four weeks, they had been fighting. Four whole weeks.
Jeongguk did not want those four weeks to turn into four years.
He needed to fix this mess they had made. How he would do that, he didn't know.
***
I do realise that the actual Jeju has 700.000 people living on it, and that in real life it is far from being "quiet and boring". However, as I said in the introduction chapter, this Jeju will not be completely accurate to the real thing. It's more like a fictional island that is geographically based where Jeju would be. I hope this doesn't throw you off while reading. And of course, this also comes down to perspective; what Hoseok as a character might interpret as being boring, someone else (like Jeongguk for example) might not feel that way at all. Just wanted to clear this up :)
This chapter is dedicated to FaZee___2706, my most loquacious reader to this day, and also a good friend of mine. Love you loads, it makes me so happy that you're enjoying the story <33
Thank you all for reading. Remember to vote.
Love, Sten.