Late February 1989
When the sun came up again this morning, I knew this could not wait another day. I only needed one moment of clarity to push me in the right direction in what I wanted in my life.
I was never truly happy when I was with Jackie Garrett. We started dating back in November, and I used every excuse I could think of to not spend time with her. I've claimed to have the flu more times in the past four months than I've had my entire life. I believe that it is just once in your life where you can find someone who can turn your world around, and can bring you up. I felt this way about Mickey, but I have never felt that with Jackie. Mickey also understood my sense of humor, while Jackie did not.
I could not fight the feeling any longer. I was afraid of it for a long time, but I know that I'll never truly be happy until I could embrace it. My relationship with Mickey started as co-workers, then work friends, and then blossomed to a real friendship. But, I've felt it's grown even stronger. I had to tell myself that I can't hold out forever, and I had no reason to be afraid. Mickey was the direction I wanted to go in, because she makes me feel so secure.
My life has been in a whirlwind since I first saw her, and I have been running around in circles in my mind. It wasn't until I promised to take her to her favorite restaurant did I realize that she was who I truly want to be with. Screw the rules. It was time to bring this ship to the shore, and throw away the oars so I can't turn back. I don't think I ever want to turn back.
After work, I immediately went home and got dressed. I buttoned up a light blue shirt and tucked it into my dark pants. I put a dark blue sweater on over that, and poked the collar out. Then, I put a gray blazer on over that and put on some cologne. I was preparing for the dinner I was having with Mickey tonight, but I had to make a quick stop first.
I kept the bouquet of flowers I got for Mickey in the passengers seat as I walked up to Jackie's apartment door and knocked. I fiddled with a button on my jacket as I impatiently waited for her to open the door.
Jackie opened the door and she looked at me happily through her thick rimmed glasses. She said, "Tom! I didn't know we had plans tonight. I'm sorry. I'll grab my jacket—"
I immediately stopped her by saying, "no, we don't."
"Oh. Are you being spontaneous?" She asked avidly.
"No."
Her smile finally faded. "Then what are you doing here?"
I took a deep breath and decided to blurt it out. Just like ripping off a bandaid. I had practiced my speech on the drive over, but I figured out that it was best if I just came out and said it. I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore."
"What?" Her face dropped. I felt bad, but I wasn't regretful with my decision. This has been boiling up in me for a long time and I needed to turn down the heat before I exploded.
"I'm sorry," I repeated.
She looked away from me and bit her lips together. She took a moment to soak up my words and realize what I was doing. She asked, "are you breaking up with me?"
"I'm sorry," I said again.
"What did I do? Just tell me what I did and we can work through it."
"I don't think this is anything we can work through," I responded gently.
"There's someone else, isn't there?"
I didn't answer right away, which I guess was an answer in itself. Realization waved across her face through wide eyes and a dropped jaw.
"Don't tell me it's Michelle," she nearly scoffed.
I thought it would be incredibly rude to say that she was correct, even though she loved being right. I guess it doesn't matter anymore because I'll never see her again. Once again, my silence sealed my fate.
Jackie wiped her falling tears away as she laughed in disbelief. "I can't believe it."
"It's not you... it's me," I said in an attempt to recover.
"Oh, shut it," she snapped. Her eyes and words were icy, and her fury was burning like rum on a fire. Every day, I felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. She got angry fast, and it's not my job to be constantly worried about that. "I've known about you and her since Christmas."
I did not appreciate the way she said that. She made it sound like I was unfaithful, which was not something I would ever do. I felt my nostrils flare as I said angrily, "look, I don't like that you're implying that I cheated on you, because I'd never ever do that. I'm not that kind of guy and you know it."
"You gave her a heart shaped locket, and you got me socks," she stated with a hiss.
"I thought you needed socks," I defended.
"Not from my boyfriend!"
"I also got you that waffle iron," I pointed out.
"I don't even like waffles, which is why I didn't have one in the first place," she whined.
"Oh." Who doesn't like waffles?
"It's like you don't even listen to me."
"I do listen to you. That's all I've ever done in this relationship is listen to you. I did everything you wanted me to, I barely had any room to breathe."
"You told me I was the only girl you'd ever want in your life. You said there was nobody else. You gave me your word."
"Jackie—"
"You swore that you would never hurt me. But here we are. I am so beyond pissed right now."
"I'm sorry."
"How long has this been going on?" She asked.
"Nothing had been going on."
"It's Mickey," she huffed while shaking her head. "She is pulling us apart."
"No, no she's not. She had absolutely nothing to do with this."
That wasn't entirely the truth. This would have happened regardless if Mickey was in my life or not. What I had with Jackie wasn't love. I didn't like being around her, and I still found myself thinking of Mickey. Jackie would undress in front of me and my mind would gravitate to the girl I loved instead.
"Yeah, right," she barked. "I loved you."
"Oh." I shifted my feet slightly. This was awkward... Even imagining those words coming out of my mouth for her seemed strange. I was more than willing to tell her about my kiss with Mickey from earlier this month when I was trying to help her study, but I kept my mouth shut because that would just be unnecessarily rude.
"What did I do that made you so miserable to be with me?" She asked.
I was not going to let her guilt me into staying with her. She always tried to make me feel guilty whenever I wanted to do something with my friends instead of being with her. Doug bought us basketball season tickets this year and I had to miss every game because of Jackie. She's controlling and hard-headed. I never had the energy to fight with her. "You never let me be my own person. We did everything and anything you wanted. I even pushed away the people who were closest to me because of you."
She scoffed and said, "I never made you do anything."
"I had to cancel on an important dinner with my team because you wanted to go to some stupid restaurant on the other side of town and you refused to go to the team dinner with me. Please, tell me I'm getting through to you, here," I reminded her. I had a whole list of things I could have mentioned.
"Because Mickey was going to be there. I didn't need to see her."
"And I needed a moment to celebrate with my team after closing a big case," I said, "you used to beg to come to events with me and my team, but then you started dragging me away from them."
"Because I always felt left out. I was ignored. I was left out of the inside jokes. I didn't know what you guys were talking about because I'm not in your world. I wasn't included. You needed to make an effort to put me first. You always sat next to Mickey and you always talked to Mickey... it was always about her. I always felt like I was intruding on your date."
"Why do you have such a problem with her? She has done nothing to you."
"Except try to steal you away from me," she laughed.
"She wasn't. Why are you so insecure—"
"I am not insecure!" Jackie shouted.
"—that you won't let me be with one of my best friends?" I rose my voice so she could hear me over her own scream.
"Nobody can take my place," she hissed. "You might love her now, but just remember that you loved me first. You loved me first."
"No," I said softly.
"What?" She stared at me with water welling in her fiery eyes.
"You're wrong. It was always her. She was first."
"If she's so perfect that you are leaving me—leaving us—just for her, I hope you both go to hell."
"I feel like I have done everything to try to make this relationship work, and now I'm sick of trying. I have thrown away my nights and wasted all of my days over you. It doesn't even matter anymore. I'm done."
Jackie and I paused our heated discussion when she didn't say anything back right away. She took a breath and then asked, "is that the only reason why you're with me? Is because I am your second choice?"
I exhaled to try to calm myself down. At this point, she wouldn't even be my hundredth choice. I looked at her and said, "look, I have to go. If you want to talk about it more later, we can."
"Tom—"
I knew that she was going to try to talk me out of it, and I was worried that I would fall back into this toxic relationship. I immediately interrupted her and said, "when was the last time you kissed me?"
She paused and looked at me strangely. "I don't know, this morning? What does that have to do with anything?"
"No, I don't mean a little touch or peck now and then. I mean a real kiss. One where it feels like butterflies are in your stomach and you are just hopelessly devoted to me. When was the last time you think I felt like that?"
She was silent, because I think she's known that I haven't been reciprocating those feelings in a long time. I don't think I ever truly felt like that with Jackie.
I said, "it's been a long time since you felt like you were my girl, and even longer since I have felt like your man. You are so night and day, I never knew who I was talking to. And just when I finally think I got you figured out, you spin around and suddenly you're not the person I thought I knew. I'm walking on eggshells around you. It feels like nothing I do or say can make you happy. I don't know what you want from me."
"I can't remember the last time you said 'I love you' to me," she stated. She tightened her cheeks and said, "I'll leave it up to you. If you think this relationship can't be salvaged and you think it's over, say it. 'Cause if you don't want the love that I can give you, I don't want to waste my time."
I tried not to look into her sad, hopeful eyes as I took a deep breath and said, "Jackie, it's over."
I wish we could have ended on good terms, but I guess her slamming the door in my face doesn't fall under that category. I've had to break up with plenty of girls in my day, and this one was surprisingly by far the easiest.
I raced back to my car and drove to Mickey's apartment so I wouldn't be late for our dinner date. I know it's really cold and sleazy to dump a girl and race to the next one. I acknowledge that I am being a jerk, and an asshole. I genuinely felt really bad about it, but I didn't want to waste any more time. Mickey won't be a rebound, I know it in my heart.
I stood in front of Mickey's door and gave it a quick knock. I looked down at the flowers I got for her and twirled the bouquet around in my fingers, nearly pricking my fingertip with one of the thorns. Toffee roses, brown hollyhock flowers, chocolate cosmos, and green succulents. I got them because that's what the florist suggested, I wanted them to match her eyes. I've always felt the tension between us, so I knew that she liked me too. But I couldn't help but feel nervous.
It took her a minute to answer it, but as soon as she did, all the doubts I had suddenly washed away. When I looked at her, time stood still. I would not let anything take away from what was standing in front of me. Every breath, and every hour has come to this moment. I think deep down, I always knew it would come to this.
When I looked into Mickey's bright eyes, it was like watching the night sky. She didn't need light to hit them for them to sparkle like golden stars. Her eyes held so much emotion, and I fell for her completely.
"Hey," I said to her and I finally let myself relax. I fell into her shining eyes. Just one look from her and there's nothing I can do. I lifted the flowers up to her, and she took them in her hands delicately.
"It's beautiful." She smelled it softly and smiled up at me and gave me a hug. She smelled good. Like apples. I like apples.
When we pulled apart, I gazed at her little black dress and finally allowed myself to be openly attracted to her. I no longer had Jackie to hold me back from being happy. Mickey was stunning, she always looks stunning. I surrendered myself to Mickey when I tried to express that. "You look... wow-ee."
Mickey was radiant when she smiled up at me. I'm sure I looked like a dufus when I smiled back at her. She took a small step back to welcome me into her apartment. I walked into her apartment and took a step closer to her as she shut the door softly behind me. I couldn't wait for my first, and hopefully first of many, dates with Mickey Gregg.
Hope you enjoyed! 🤩 I've been trying to incorporate more 80's slang into this story but it's difficult because I keep forgetting haha
Next chapter is Tom's version of Tom and Mickey's Date!
Thank you all so much for your votes and comments, it means a lot! 🥰🥺