When the gods make a joke, it makes me sick. Their games are not meant for the weak. It takes a lot of bleeding, burning, and drowning just to satisfy them. Sometimes, it isn't even enough.
That's just how it is.
Or at least, the way I see it.
I could hear voices around me, murmuring, talking in low tones, as if the slightest noise will stir me from my sleep. I despised myself for bringing me back to consciousness, for making me hear them, making me feel them moving around the room.
"—tinulak daw yung best friend niya sa building."
"Dead on arrival. The girl with the broken skull, right?"
"I don't know why we're even treating her. She's some kind of a... monster."
First, I'm a mistake. Now, I'm a monster.
The monster who killed her best friend.
Nanatiling pikit ang mga mata ko. The murmurings never stopped. I never want to wake up. I pushed myself into the darkness again, hoping that this is all just an ugly nightmare. Eventually, my tired body gave in and I fell asleep again without opening my eyes.
Eventually, I wished that the sleep would last longer. That the sleep would last forever. But it didn't.
When I regained my consciousness again, I was forced to open my eyes. The smell of disinfectant and medicine hung heavily in the air. Rigor's back is the first thing I see.
Nakatalikod siya sa akin. His shoulders are tensed while his fists are pressed against the rails of the window. I could feel his anger burning six feet from where I'm lying. I felt so helpless. Tears burned my eyes again.
"I'm sorry..." I mouthed at him and then closed my eyes again.
Nakatulog ulit ako at nang magising sa pangatlong beses, hinang-hina na ang katawan ko. I fluttered my eyes open, and a nurse greets me.
"Miss Martenill?" she looks at me worriedly.
I opened my mouth but no words came out. My chest feels so heavy.
"You've been sleeping for 30 hours straight that we're starting to worry." She said while moving something on the IV connected to my arm. "I'll page your doctor."
Hindi ako sumagot at nilibot ang paningin sa kwarto. Rigor is already gone. Mas lalo lang sumikip ang dibdib ko. Of course, he's gone. He's probably mad at me. I'm also mad at myself. Disgusted, even.
"Sorcha..."
The nurse was about to head out when she heard me. She froze in the doorway.
"Where is she..." my voice trailed off. I'm clinging to the last thread of hope, a miracle, that she's still here. I'm begging in my head that she survived.
She cleared her throat and looked away. "Wala po kaming emergency person na matawagan para ipaalam na nasa ospital ka. Pero may lalaki pong bumisita dito kanina."
"Si Sorcha?" I insisted again.
She looked down. My heart sank.
"Nandito na po ang doktor niyo."
A tall elderly man entered the room and spoke to me, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. All I know is that I'm crying and thrashing around the bed. He eventually stopped talking and called the nurses to sedate me. My throat burns as I sobbed and called her name again and again, until I felt a sharp prick on my skin and seconds later, I was sleeping again.
I didn't want to wake up. Ever.
Inulit-ulit ko ito sa isipan ko nang maramdamang nagkakaroon ulit ako ng malay. This time, I couldn't move my hands freely. My breath is shaky. I turned my head to the other side when I heard voices again.
"This is so fucking stupid. You don't have to restrain her. She's not crazy!"
Dahan-dahan kong inangat ang tingin sa pinanggagalingan ng galit na boses. It's him again. Rigor is currently arguing with the nurses. He's just as mad as I am with myself. Every word that left his mouth is filled with venom and a silent threat of violence as the tension keeps on rising.
I shifted on my bed. It's so strange. In the moments where I use sleep as my escape, I participate in a strange dream where I'm with a young boy named Castian. I could barely pick up the crumbs of that dream but it felt so real to me. And Castian feels so familiar it makes my heart ache.
"Czarina?"
I wanted to cry when I saw Rigor. He looked tired and restless. The dark circles under his eyes hinted that he didn't have a chance to get some decent sleep. Hell, he's still even wearing the same shirt when I last saw him, only now that he has a black jacket on. Kaagad niya akong nilapitan.
"We're going to remove this, cherié-"
"I killed her." I cried quietly, looking at him.
"Czarina."
"I killed her, didn't I?" my lips trembled as he tried to soothe me down but I only cried harder. The nurse said something about being dehydrated but I didn't listen. I don't have any energy to even lift my arms and hug Rigor back as he desperately tried to calm me down.
"You didn't." he said firmly, forcing me to look into his eyes. "You didn't kill anyone, Czarina, do you understand me?"
Umiling-iling ako, umiiyak pa rin. I can't believe I did it. I can't I drove my best friend to the edge.
"She came to me... asking for help." I said between sobs. "But what did I do? I pushed her over the cliff. I killed her..."
"Czarina, please..." Rigor's voice cracked, as if he wants to cry as well but he's restraining himself. His bloodshot eyes searched for mine. "You didn't do anything."
We were both crying when the nurses came back to my room, but this time, three police officers went with them. Nagkatinginan ang dalawang nurse nang lapitan kami ng mga pulis. One of them stared at me coldly, and then held up a piece of paper.
"Czarina Saorsie Martinell, you're under arrest for murder."
A mistake. A monster. And now... a murderer.
My head spun again as voices around me scattered like bombs going off inside my mind. Rigor is arguing with the officers while the nurses were anxiously watching us. I took a deep breath and forced myself to sit in the bed.
"I killed her." I said quietly.
All eyes were on me right now. Rigor's eyes widened in fear as he went to me.
"Czarina-"
"I killed Sorcha." I said as the hollow in my chest continues to dig deeper. Walang buhay kong binalingan ang mga pulis na mukhang nagulat din sa biglaang pag-amin ko. It's like they expected me to deny all of the accusations.
The officer cleared his throat and gestured. "Well, you are under custody and questioning. You can also get your own lawyer to represent you."
"I don't think I'll need a lawyer..." I whispered. "Just put me to prison already."
"Czarina!" Rigor raised his voice at me for the first time as he trembled in anger. His eyes are shooting daggers on me, but it does nothing to the heavy weight of guilt that's gnawing me inside.
The guilt that makes me wish I have something to confess. And so, I lied.
Hindi na ako nagtagal pa sa ospital. The doctor confirmed I only have minor injuries and prescribed something to help me calm down. His lack of sympathy while he's examining me makes me want to leave the hospital as soon as possible.
My first step outside of my room was greeted by a slap, followed by a series of yelling voices and cries in the hallway. The Arzano couple are fuming mad at me and if not for the police officers, Sorcha's mother would've slapped me again.
"I hope to hell you rot in jail after what you've done to my daughter!" she cried.
I didn't answer. I just looked away and didn't say a word when the police officers cuffed me and led me down the hallway. Rigor wants to follow but they stopped him. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin, nakita ko si Kirby na nakatingin sa akin.
His eyes are red from crying. He clenches his jaw as his eyes shifted into something—anger, disgust, or the combination of both.
"Nagsisisi akong naging kaibigan kita, Czarina."
Tears fell from my eyes, but I still didn't say anything. In a way, it's all my fault. I killed their daughter. I killed Kirby's best friend. I refused to help her when she desperately needs it.
I also have nothing to hold on to, so what's the point of trying to prove myself?
I'll always be the girl who killed her best friend.
I kept my mouth shut all throughout the process. I refused to have a lawyer, and I also refused to open my mouth anymore. I didn't care about my reality anymore. I didn't care that I'm sitting in the cold floor, detained, and thirsty.
Niyakap ko ang tuhod at ihinilig ang ulo. My head is still spinning. I should be fine by now after taking all that pills. I should at least be in a sensible state as I listen to the final verdict that verifies the severity of my crime.
I refused any visitors at that time. Dalawang araw lang akong made-detain. Then the case would progress. I would be transferred to jail. The four walls where I'll spend the rest of my life blaming myself for pushing instead of helping her.
"Martinell, may bisita ka."
I looked up groggily at the officer who tapped the metal bars and squinted my eyes.
"Ayoko ng bisita-"
"Czarina."
Natigilan ako nang makita si Shantel. She looked at me seriously as she stepped closer to the bar.
"Sampung minuto." The officer warned, and then left the two of us to be alone.
My heart clenched in my chest. I kept on refusing when Rigor tried to talk to me, but I let her near me this easily. I guess because there's lesser attachments, and it doesn't hurt so much to let her see me in such a devastated state.
"What are you doing here? Just because daddy is a governor doesn't mean you can do whatever you want, Shantel."
She ignored my harsh words and looked at me, before sitting cross legged on the floor.
"I heard what happened."
"Of course, you do." I snorted and moved away.
"Do you really want to rot in jail?"
"Pinagbabayaran ko lang ang kasalanan ko, Shantel." I said in a clipped tone, hoping she'd just go away.
"That's not how I see it."
"Look," I glared at her for a bit, obviously annoyed. "If there's a club for people who have the shittiest life on earth, I would be the fucking president. This is how bad it is."
She threw her head back and laughed. "You don't know that."
I am tired, and hurt, and angry, but somehow hearing her laugh made me calm down. I scooted as far away from her as possible.
I expected to see pity in her eyes, but I didn't. Instead, all I could see is calmness, which I needed the most at the moment.
"I don't know much about Sorcha..." she began, pinching softly on her fingertips. Isinandal niya ng kalahati ng katawan sa pader at nilingon ako. "Did you know she called me a desperate fuzzy when I was hanging around with Elton so much?" Shantel let out a careless laugh again. Nangungunot ang noo ko siyang tiningnan. "But she still invited me to her parties."
"I'm not sure what you're talking about..." I trailed off. This isn't the reaction I was expecting from her.
She pulled something from her pocket, and then slid it across the floor until it hits my shoes. I looked down. It's a small, black flashdrive. Umakyat ulit ang tingin ko sa kaniya.
"Atty. Arzano raped the daughter of one of their helpers." She said nonchalantly. "That flashdrive contains all the transactions, evidences, and bribes he made to bury the case and send the grieving mother somewhere far to keep her mouth shut."
My eyes widened in shock. I looked down at the flashdrive again.
"You can use it... or throw it away." She shrugged. "It's up to you."
"Bakit..." I didn't realize my hands were trembling as I picked up the flashdrive. I looked at her questioningly.
She sighed. "My daddy is the governor, remember? He has all these files of his target people to use against his enemies or force someone to be his ally. Atty. Arzano's files are included in his collection."
Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sa kaniya. I know from the moment I opened my mouth and lied that I have no way out of this. I want to accept it little by little, as punishment for what I've done. For the last 16 hours that I've been here, I never thought as much as escaping. And then Shantel casually walks in and throws a chunk of evidence at me, a one-way ticket out from the mess I made.
"If Sorcha is still here..." she began to stand, dusting off her white skirt without as much looking at me. "What do you think she'll want you to do?"
Her words remained inside my head even after she's gone and I'm alone again. None of what she said made a dent to the guilt I'm still feeling, but it made me think. And thinking is my only way out.
"How did I end up here..." I asked to myself, gathering my knees close. I toyed the flashdrive with my fingers.
I closed my eyes as I let the tears flow again. If I get out of here, would they even let me attend Sorcha's funeral? Or should I still blackmail them just to see my best friend one last time? As much as I want them to listen to me, there's no point in any of it. They failed as parents and I failed as best friend, but they want me to take the blame alone. They are rotting with anger and regret and this unreasonable urge for vendetta and there's no other person around but me.
"I wish to hell I didn't take out the trash that day..." I shook my head, wiping my tears.
I've decided.
For the last 20 years of my life, I never imagined myself higher than which I am today. I never imagined myself blackmailing two powerful lawyers to free me from a crime I did not commit, but I confessed. I am taking a shot; I might as well blow it off all the way.
"The moment I step back behind the bars, rest assured that the rest of the world will know about the content of these files."
"How dare you..."
I stared blankly at Atty. Arzano, his eyes flaming with anger. His wife, on the other hand, remained silent in the corner. I expected her to thrash around, to yell, and to threaten me back. But she didn't. She didn't even seem surprised that her husband is involved in this animalistic crime. I think she knows.
"I have someone backing up on me, attorney." I placed the flashdrive in the center of the table and lifted my gaze at him. "I didn't kill her. You and I both know that. You just wanted someone to take the blame so that you can convince your delusional self that you were good parents to her. But you're not."
Hindi niya ako sinagot. Nang nilingon ko ang nanay ni Sorcha ay kaagad siyang nag-iwas ng tingin. I pursed my lips and leaned back.
"If anything on these files get leaked-"
"I keep my words, attorney." I said coldly. "Sana kayo rin."
I know I shouldn't be making a deal with the devil, but for someone in a pit's situation, I shouldn't even be complaining about the heat. I could fool myself into thinking that I have an edge and then die in an "accident" the moment I step out of here. They're capable of anything, really.
Fortunately, a fabricated accident isn't what's waiting for me when I stepped out of the doors that day after they pulled back their case against me. It's Rigor.
He's just standing outside the police station with a gloomy look on his face. Sa tabi niya ay si Shantel. She smiled at me widely when I made it out.
"I told you she'd do it." inilahad niya ang palad kay Rigor. "Give me my 500."
Kumunot ang noo ko. "You were betting on me?"
Rigor grunted and pulled out the bill from his pocket, slapping it into Shantel's eager hands. She squealed in joy, and I looked at her with a mortified expression. This girl is filthy rich! What is she going to do with the prize money, wipe her ass with it?
"I gotta go. I'll see you around." She went to me and pulled me into a hug. I was still in shock. "I'm proud of you, Czarina." She whispered.
Shantel left. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa ni Rigor. I lowered my gaze.
"I'm sorry..."
"You were grieving."
"You didn't deserve it."
"You didn't deserve it, too."
I nodded and let him pull me by my waist. Ihinilig ko ang ulo sa dibdib niya. My lips trembled as I felt another sob rising to my throat.
"She's really gone, Rigor..." I murmured.
Hinigpitan niya lang ang yakap sa akin bilang sagot. I closed my eyes and exhaled shakily.
"If Silver wakes up and she finds you're not by her side, she's going to get mad."
"If you step out and you find I'm not waiting for you, you're going to get mad."
A small chuckle was caught in my tears.
I heard Rigor took in a shaky breath. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. Namumula ang sulok ng mga mata niya. He cupped my face with both his hands.
"Don't ever scare me like that again, okay?"
I nodded slowly.
"I'm sorry..." I mouthed.
He planted a firm kiss on my lips and pulled me into an embrace. "Let's get you home."
"I don't want to go home..."
"Czarina-"
"Do you know where they're holding the funeral?"
I could feel him hesitating for a moment, then he nods.
"Take me there, please."
-
#HanmariamBFLChap23