April 2014
Taylor wakes up gasping in a panic, heart beating rapidly caused by the unknown contact gripping her shoulder. Kicking away from the side of the bed was on she finally realizes it is only Karlie standing over.
“Jesus Christ, it’s okay! It’s me!” Karlie exclaims quickly pulling her hand away.
Taylor sits up shaking, putting her head in her hands taking deep breaths. “You can’t do that. How did you even get in here?”
“I have been calling you all morning… I thought… Well I had the number for one of your security guys because of the road trip. They let me in. I’m sorry I didn’t think it would scare you,” Karlie explains, gingerly sitting on the edge of the bed now, unsure if she should reach out to Taylor.
“I just have… There is a reason for me having security. It’s alright, I just went to sleep knowing no one else was in my apartment,” Taylor says, her heart beating loudly against her chest still causing her voice to sound shaky.
Karlie can’t help herself now, and leans over to rub her hand up and down Taylor’s tense back. “You’re okay,” Karlie says softly. “No one could ever get in here.”
“I know,” Taylor replies, lifting her head up now, feeling embarrassed by her reaction.
“Oh, Taylor,” Karlie says sadly, moving her hand from the older girl’s back to her cheek, wiping with her thumb.
Taylor realizes it must be runny eye makeup from last night’s tears, and quickly leans away from the model to wipe at her own cheeks.
“What time is it?” Taylor asks, desperate for Karlie to do anything but focus on her trying to wipe away tear stains from last night.
“It’s past eleven, that’s why I called your security. I know you always wake up before me, and you weren’t answering the phone, I just thought…” Karlie trails off.
“I just didn’t get much sleep last night,” Taylor replies evenly.
“I got a lot of sleep,” Karlie readily replies. Taylor stares at her friend for a long moment, knowing what Karlie is trying to say.
“Josh didn’t stay over?” Taylor asks, trying to sound neutral.
“He did, but we didn’t… I didn’t… I went to sleep early,” Karlie replies, sounding unsure of how to phrase her sentence.
“Oh,” Taylor replies guardedly.
“Are you mad at me?” Karlie asks quietly, still sitting resigned to her edge of the bed.
“No,” Taylor sighs. “I have no reason to be mad at you. I’m glad Josh is making an effort.”
“You are?” Karlie asks incredulously. She shouldn’t feel hurt by the statement, but she is surprised to find that she is.
“Yeah, I mean I want you to have a nice boyfriend,” Taylor replies, now lying back down in her bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin while staring up at the ceiling.
There is a brief moment of silence before Karlie says, “I didn’t know he was coming.”
“I know, I’m glad he surprised you. It was nice,” Taylor replies, keeping an even tone. There came a point last night when she decided she shouldn’t be crying over her best friend, ever. What they had been doing together just wasn’t realistic, and it wasn’t safe for the longevity of their friendship. On top of all of that, Taylor was reminded just how risky her secret with Karlie was to keep while they were photographed together yesterday. They were safe at Big Sur, but this was New York City, the real world. The singer knew how unlikely it would be to hide something with the younger girl under such scrutiny, and whatever that ‘something’ was that they had, Taylor knew it wasn’t something she would ever want to go public with.
Taylor is staring hard upwards at the ceiling, painfully aware of Karlie’s presence on the bed. She hadn’t been prepared to wake up to a worried Karlie Kloss at her bedside. She can feel Karlie’s green eyes staring at her, wanting her to say something more, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She wanted Karlie to be in her life as much as possible. Taylor loved Karlie, she is her best friend, she can’t jeopardize their friendship in any way. Last night was the rude awakening she needed.
The silence that stretches on is becoming unbearable, when Karlie says, “Taylor, I wanted to spend the night with you, not him.” The brunette’s long arm slowly reaches over to Taylor to rest on the blankets covering her abdomen.
“I wanted you to spend the night with him,” Taylor replies, her voice sounding sharp, as the only other alternative Taylor could muster would be a voice filled with hurt. That isn’t what she wished to convey. She sees Karlie flinch out of the corner of her eye, as she still stares up at the ceiling.
“I— Can you look at me?” Karlie asks, her voice sounding strained. Taylor doesn’t want to, thinking she will break at the sight of Karlie. “Please?” Karlie asks, her voice barely above a whisper. Taylor can’t refuse her, and turns her head on the pillow. She immediately wishes she didn’t, as she has never seen the younger girl look so sad. “I just want us to be okay,” Karlie says, her green eyes holding an intense stare.
“We are okay. This is how we will be okay,” Taylor explains softly. She reflects on how vague they have become with each other about their feelings since the end of the road trip. They don’t even mention kissing, or the possibility of them being more than friends, as if not speaking the words makes their secret safe.
“This.. isn’t the okay that I want,” Karlie replies carefully, maneuvering herself to lie down beside Taylor now. They stare at each other lying on their sides, silently daring each other to speak the words they have been avoiding.
Taylor is determined not to be the one to do it. When Karlie’s hand begins to slowly travel up her side, she warns, “Karlie..”
“Taylor,” Karlie mimics, not stopping her hand until softly gripping the singer’s bicep through the blanket.
“We can’t keep doing this..” Taylor sighs.
“Doing what?” Karlie asks, playing dumb, daring her to say the words.
Taylor swallows and stares at the model. “Don’t make this harder than it already is,” Taylor says, her voice cracking, fully exposing how hurt she truly feels. “This isn’t supposed to be hard. It shouldn’t be hard.”
Karlie’s brow has furrowed hearing Taylor’s pain. She stretches out her arm to slide it around her friend’s back, to pull them closer together.
“Don’t,” Taylor says so quietly that she practically only mouths the word, placing her hands against Karlie’s chest to keep her at a distance. Taylor’s throat is burning, not wanting to say no to Karlie but wanting to keep their friendship safe. “We can’t do this, I need you,” Taylor says, trying to use as little words as possible, scared that she will break down in tears if she speaks too much.
“You have me. I’m here,” Karlie says firmly, her hand moving to the back of Taylor’s neck now.
“Karlie, this won’t end well. It can’t end well,” Taylor says, closing her eyes, not being able to handle the proximity of Karlie’s green stare any longer.
“We will figure everything out. It won’t end, we are always going to be friends,” Karlie whispers. Taylor inhales sharply at feeling the warmth of Karlie’s breath against her face, realizing the model has inched her way even closer to her since she closed her eyes. “I won’t leave,” Karlie breathes. Her lips are ever so lightly grazing the side of Taylor’s mouth, just waiting for the singer to invite her further.
They are separated by the blanket, with Taylor underneath it and Karlie lying on top. Taylor wriggles an arm out and slides it underneath Karlie’s arm, curling it underneath and around the model’s shoulder.
“It will be okay,” Karlie softly exhales against Taylor’s skin.
“This is wrong,” Taylor replies, barely moving her lips to avoid grazing Karlie’s.
“It will be okay,” Karlie repeats, avoiding Taylor’s statement, knowing that it is probably indeed true. Hours ago she had just reluctantly kissed her boyfriend good morning, with Taylor on her mind.
“No it won’t be,” Taylor replies while pulling Karlie’s shoulder, causing their lips to meet.
Karlie is so shocked, but so thankful, when Taylor finally responds with a kiss. She throws a leg over Taylor’s blanketed ones, wanting to hold her against her as tightly as possible. The last couple of minutes had gotten her questioning whether she was ever going to be able to do this again, and now she wanted to appreciate Taylor as much as she could.
Taylor’s kiss is as unsure as it was the first night their lips locked on their road trip, and Karlie wishes she could translate through her own kiss how much she needed Taylor, and how happy she was to have her. She needs Taylor to trust her. As she gently cups Taylor’s cheek, she feels that it is slick with tears.
Karlie breaks away from the kiss and pulls Taylor against her chest, squeezing her tightly.
“Shhh. Don’t, Taylor,” Karlie whispers, holding the shorter girl’s head against her. “You can trust me, I promise you can trust me. You know I would never want to hurt you,” Karlie says into Taylor’s hair.
Taylor is listening to Karlie’s words and she knows the younger girl means them to be true, but one thing Taylor has learned is that sometimes good intentions don’t matter. Karlie would never want to hurt her, she was constantly worrying about her and was always nurturing, but Karlie had a boyfriend. Taylor couldn’t have a private personal life, and Taylor definitely couldn’t have a public personal life involving a girlfriend.
“This isn’t going to work,” Taylor says, her voice muffled as she is pressed against Karlie.
“I want it to work. Do you want it to work?” Karlie asks.
Taylor thinks for a minute, feeling how tense Karlie’s arms have become around her as she anticipates Taylor’s reply.
“Yes,” Taylor whispers.
Karlie loosens her hold on Taylor in order to look at her. She uses her own hand to lift Taylor’s chin to get her to look at her. Taylor’s watery eyes, her make up less face, and messy bed hair makes Taylor look younger than she is, and reveals how scared she truly is. Karlie leans in and showers the singer in gentle kisses all over her face, from her lips, forehead, cheeks, nose, and chin. Karlie doesn’t stop until she feels Taylor’s arm around her become completely relaxed after minutes of adoration.
Karlie pulls away away and rests her head on Taylor’s pillow. Their faces are mere centimeters apart from one another, and their eyes are pouring into each other.
“I love you, you’re my best friend,” Karlie says softly, once realizing Taylor wasn’t going to speak.
“This isn’t what friends do,” Taylor replies. That statement alone has been the most direct one made by either girl since the road trip, and it catches Karlie off guard. She is silent for a minute, as each girl absorbs the truth of the sentence.
“You think I would deal with your morning breath if we weren’t friends?” Karlie teases, hoping to finally move onto more positive conversation this morning.
Taylor’s smile is one that catches Karlie’s breath in her chest, as it is what she has been waiting so long to see all morning. Combined with Taylor’s giggle, Karlie swears she could cry tears at the sight.
Taylor moves her head back against the model’s chest and whines, “You’re being mean.” Karlie can hear the smile in the older girl’s voice, and squeezes her tightly in response.
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“I brought New York bagels, which you made me completely forget about,” Karlie says, reaching an arm behind her and blindly feeling for the bag she brought with her from the bakery.
“I don’t have any cream cheese in the fridge yet, I don’t think. Or butter,” Taylor replies, playing with each of Karlie’s long fingers.
“I brought cream cheese! Do I look like an animal to you?” Karlie replies, finally finding the bag behind her. Taylor only rolls her eyes in response. “I’m going to go toast them. Do me a favor and brush your teeth,” Karlie says as she rolls away to get out of bed.
“Stop! That’s actually mean, you’re going to make me self conscious!” Taylor protests, slapping at the retreating Karlie. The model grabs her hand and brings it to her lips, before collapsing back on the bed.
“Okay, come here then,” Karlie says laughing, holding Taylor’s face in between her hands as she leans in for a kiss. Taylor squeals and tries rolling away.
“Stop it!” Taylor laughs, still trying to squirm free of the model. It is of no use, as Karlie presses her lips against Taylor’s tight-lipped mouth as she holds her breath.
“Oh my god,” Karlie laughs against Taylor’s lips, once realizing how stubborn Taylor is being. “What a horrible kisser,” Karlie teases, pulling away from Taylor and retreating to the kitchen with the bagels.
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When Karlie returns with the toasted bagels, she hands the plate to Taylor to hold as she climbs back into the bed. As she is about to lift the blankets up to get under, Taylor puts a hand out and stops her.
“You aren’t welcome under here,” Taylor says seriously.
“I brought you bagels!” Karlie protests laughing.
“Doesn’t matter,” Taylor says firmly, as she rips a piece of her bagel to place into her mouth.
“Seriously?” Karlie asks in disbelief.
“I’m not wearing pants!” Taylor confides, in a dramatic hushed whisper.
Karlie laughs and rolls her eyes. “Okay, whatever. I wouldn’t want to be under the blankets then, anyway. Give me my bagel,” Karlie says, reaching over to the plate Taylor is holding.
It takes the both of them much longer than necessary to finish the bagels, as they both become distracted with different fits of laughter. Half an hour later, Taylor is leaning against Karlie scrolling through her phone, as Karlie has a firm arm around her.
“When do you have to go?” Taylor asks.
“When are you kicking me out?” Karlie counters. Taylor only smiles and mutters an unintelligible response. “I want to spend the whole day with you. I still feel like I miss you even though we had yesterday.”
Taylor wraps an arm around Karlie’s abdomen and snuggles in closer to the model. “You can stay here tonight,” Taylor says, unsure if mentioning that plan at noon is too soon.
“Why would I spend the night here? You don’t even share blankets,” Karlie teases, however, then quickly adding, “I would love to stay tonight.”
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This isn’t really where I planned on ending this update but I am tired lol. Maybe two updates tomorrow?