At some point, Wanda arrives at the memories of [Y/N]'s final escape. The escape she told them about. She has already seen enough private information from [Y/N]'s life to break off there. It seems like these are all memories [Y/N] has left. The last memories of her missions had been particularly hard to bear for Wanda. Shivering, she lowers her hands and the red energy flowing around them disappears.
When [Y/N] opens her eyes they are veiled with tears and Wanda is already crying. "Are you okay, [Y/N]?" she asks cautiously, moving her hands to her friends arms to hug her, still trembling. "I'm sorry. We should have taken a break" she mumbles apologizing.
Said one shakes her head quickly which causes the tears to come out of her eyes and run down her face. She quickly wipes them away. "You did everything right. Thank you, Wanda."
"I'm so sorry" Wanda sobs with sympathy.
[Y/N] quickly pulls back and grabs Wanda's face to wipe away her friends tears with her thumbs. "Please don't cry. I'm fine, okay?" she tries to calm her down. "It's what I needed."
Instead of answering, Wanda wraps her arms around [Y/N] again. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asks a short time later.
The [y/hc] haired woman smiles thankfully at Wanda, even though her smile is weak. "You've done more than enough already. I've seen myself as a monster for the past weeks. Now I know it's not like that. That's more than I ever expected to find out. I can work with that."
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Wanda's help took more time than [Y/N] would have expected and it's already evening when she leaves her friend's room. The building is filled with a pleasant scent that makes her stomach growl.
[Y/N] slips quickly into the bathroom to wash her face with cold water to avoid any traces of her previous tears. Her memories are painful and full of sorrow but she knows now that she fought against Hydra for as long as possible. This knowledge does not diminish her feelings of guilt towards the victims but it does dissolve her hatred of herself. She knows now that Steve was right with his words and she feels relieved. But there's more. She remembers her best friend and that she told her to move on. She knows that Emily wouldn't want her to drown herself in guilt but to focus on what's ahead. And she will. For Emily and for herself.
She leaves the bathroom a couple of minutes later, knowing that dinner will be served soon and if she remembers correctly, it's Sam's duty today and that man surely knows how to cook.
As she enters the dining room, everyone is already there and welcomes her with a smile on their faces. "Hey [Y/N]. Where have you been all day long?" Natasha asks.
"Yeah, you missed our training session!" Sam complains from the kitchen as he finishes up the meal.
"I'm sorry! I was with Wanda all day long" she apologizes and turns to her red haired friend to wave her a smile to once again assure her that she's fine. Her gaze then meets Bucky's, who looks at her worriedly but tries to hide his emotions from her and his other friends. She waves him a quick smile but feels a slight pain in her chest as she remembers all the times Hydra mentioned him. He is part of her life for way longer than he is aware of. They might have never met but there has always been a connection between the two of them even if it was only for scientific purposes.
It can only be seen briefly. The brief flicker in her eyes as the smile that was meant for him slowly disappears and an uncertainty becomes visible the moment she turns to Steve that probably no one else noticed. But nobody watches her so closely as Bucky does which is why he sees it immediately. He feels an insecurity, trying to find out the reason for that change of expression. He had been worried about her all day long. [Y/N] had told him that she'd meet up with Wanda but the team hadn't seen either woman since lunchtime which is unusual because even though Wanda and [Y/N] are friends, they usually don't spend as much time together.
Everything seems normal throughout dinner, just like the last few days. A trace of normality kicks in and time flies by while the room is filled with joyful conversations. And even if [Y/N] listens to her friends with a smile on her lips, her mind is with Bucky. She knows that she has to tell her friends that she can remember some things again but she wants to speak to Bucky alone beforehand. She wants to tell him what happened today and that she knew about him. But she is not quite sure what exactly to tell him and how. And even if she tries hard not to look at him too often, Bucky can feel every single look she gives him. It makes the evening seem incredibly long and when Natasha puts a bottle of wine on the table after dinner, he'd like to bang his head on the said table because he finally wants to talk to [Y/N] to know what her thoughts have been about all evening long but now has to wait even longer.
Sometime later Natasha and Steve place some games on the table and [Y/N] waves them a smile as she gets up from her seat. "I'm sorry but I call it a day. Enjoy your evening" she waves goodnight to her friends and ignores their complaints. Bucky looks at her with his eyes wide, knowing he can't just follow her without drawing attention and he's forced to stay some longer and [Y/N] tries to hide her amusement about the look he gives her as she leaves the room.
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Her mind is wandering while brushing her teeth sometime later when she feels someone approaching her and when she lifts her head to check the reflection in the mirror, she sees Bucky standing right behind her. "Never do that again" he complains and [Y/N] chuckles.
"Do what?" she asks all innocent.
"Leave me down there after looking at me all evening long. You know I couldn't follow you!" he continues complaining and grabs his own toothbrush.
"What's so bad about playing cards with your friends?" [Y/N] asks before she rinses her mouth.
"Not having you by my side" Bucky answers and his metal arm wraps around her waist to keep her close, even though she's finished brushing her teeth. [Y/N] giggles as she's trying to break free from his grip but he's too strong. "Where do you think you're going?" Bucky mumbles smirking as his grip around her tightens, causing [Y/N] to giggle even more.
"Aren't you afraid that someone will see us?"
"They're all busy beating Steve in poker" Bucky explains nonchalant as he finishes brushing his teeth, too. He then throws [Y/N] over his shoulder, making her squeal in surprise. "Quiet or they'll hear us" he warns her smirking as he carries her to his room.
"What has gotten into you" [Y/N] laughs when he drops her on his bed and climbs on top of her.
A smirk lays on Bucky's lips, showing [Y/N] that he's up to no good. "I think you deserve some payback for your teasing."
"I didn't do anything, Barnes!" [Y/N] defends herself. "I just went upstairs!"
Bucky's grin fades slowly as his eyes now fill with concern. "You know I noticed all the looks you gave me. I know you better than that, [Y/N]. Something's wrong and I want you to tell me" he says sternly but sympathetic.
The spark in her eyes dies down as her smile fades as well and she looks deep into the blue ocean also known as Bucky's eyes. Her gaze becomes very soft and compassionate, almost filled with pain when she looks at him. Her right hand moves to his face, which Bucky instinctively leans against her palm and closes his eyes for a brief moment. "I'm so sorry" whispers [Y/N] when their eyes meet again. Her fingers travel to the back of his head and pull his face closer to place a kiss on his lips. She can only imagine the pain he had to go through when Hydra erased his memories or the burning feeling in his veins when they injected the Super Soldier Serum. Bucky can feel her desperation and pain as her lips touch his own and he tries to fix her broken part with his tenderness as she tries the same. "I wish I could have been there for you."
"What are you talking about?" Bucky asks confused and places his hand on hers to pull it away from his face and bring some distance between them to figure out what she's talking and worrying about.
[Y/N] sighs and slips away from under him so she can sit up and lean her back against the head of the bed. Her look is apologetic and she can feel her heartbeat accelerate as she worries that Bucky might get angry and that they might fight again. Even if the last argument between them hadn't lasted long, it had hurt a lot.
"[Y/N], what did you and Wanda do today?" Bucky asks more sternly as he slowly begins to put the pieces of the puzzle together. He already knows he won't like the answer, as all of [Y/N]'s demeanor suggests rather negative news. He too takes a seated position, right across from her and fixes her with his gaze so that she cannot avoid him.
"Wanda helped me remember" mutters the latter as bravely as possible but her gaze is avoiding Bucky at first. It takes all her courage to look up at him again to figure out if he's getting mad already. "I- I remember" she stutters. "Not everything. But what was left of my memories."
Bucky shakes his head quickly. "And you are sorry for what exactly?" he asks, his confusion clearly visible.
"You are not angry?" [Y/N] asks confused and Bucky sighs.
"I know you well enough by now to know that you are just as stupid as me and act before you think. I already guessed that you and Maximoff were up to no good."
"He acts before he thinks, says Steve's voice of reason."
[Y/N]'s answer hits Bucky unexpected, as it's completely out of context, and he has to chuckle. "What do you remember?" he asks softly.
Her gaze becomes more serious again but Bucky can see that she is now relaxing a little and is surprised that her concern that they would argue again has made her feel so insecure. "My time with Hydra" she replies and then takes a deep breath. Her tongue wanders over her lower teeth as she ponders how to proceed. But even after the last few hours she spent on thinking of a proper way to tell him, her thoughts are just as chaotic as before. "I remember Emily, my best friend. And what Hydra did to me. What Hydra did to you."
"What they did to me?" Bucky repeats surprised but his voice is stuck in his throat at the thought.
He sees [Y/N]'s eyes wettening as she nods. "They told me about you, Buck. They boasted how successful the experiments on you were and how they erased your memories. They threatened me that if I don't cooperate, I would suffer a similar fate."
Bucky looks at his counterpart in disbelief, while he feels a big lump in his throat. His mind races as he tries to understand while just the thought of it hurts him terrible, not to mention the pain from his own memories that catch up on him. [Y/N]'s voice also sounds more muffled while tears form in her eyes. "We never met but you were always there. I'm so sorry... I should have looked for you after Dr. Zola-... I should have saved you... We should have... I could have helped you. I... Maybe I could have saved you, saved you from your fate" she presses out as tears run down her face. Up until that point, [Y/N] hadn't even realized how much the subject had weighed on her. Only now does she understand that she could have done so much more. If she had only thought about it more then she could have helped him. She had missed saving Emily but maybe she could have saved Bucky if she hadn't drowned in self-pity.
While Bucky's thoughts are still circling wildly, he blinks at his couterpart in astonishment. His memories of being the Winter Soldier remain painful and he remembers the heartless killer he once used to be. But instead of drowning in the pain of his past, there is another pain that helps him focus and sort his thoughts. The woman in front of him is crying and hurting and he can't stand that. He shuffles closer to [Y/N] until he can cup her face in his hands and force her to lock eyes with him. "I'm so done seeing you cry, [Y/N]" he says sternly. "I was an assassin back then. There's nothing anyone could have done for me."
"But-"
"Don't you even dare to finish that sentence!" he interrupts her all serious and determining. "And don't you dare to think you could have saved me! Because you already do!"
"I do what?" [Y/N] mumbles as she has problems to keep looking at his blue-greenish eyes that have never looked so haunting.
"Save me! Isn't that obvious? God, I hate it when you make me say those things out loud. Things were much easier when I pretended to not care" he sighs and let's go of her face to move his hand through his hair to calm his nerves. "You've been there for me ever since you know me, [Y/N]. You're saving me with all that stubbornness and kindness and humor that's within you."
A few seconds pass in which [Y/N] just looks at him. "You went from being all sweet to being a douchebag within seconds here" she then mumbles but Bucky can see the playful spark in her eyes and he glances at her furiously.
"You're stealing me all my nerves, I swear" he frowns which makes [Y/N] lough out loud now as she moves closer to him again to wrap her hands around his neck. Her touch alone makes his frustration disappear and he shudders under the feeling of her skin on his. His blue-greenish eyes look deep into her [y/ec] eyes as she moves closer to give him a soft kiss.
"Luckily for you, I like both of you. The douchebag Bucky and the sweet Bucky. And all the other versions of James that are within you."
Fluttered by her words, Bucky smirks and places his hands on each side of her waist to pull her onto his lap. "I don't want you to ever feel guilty for me. I was an Assasian back then and not even you could have saved me. Okay? No one could have. But you save me now. Day by day." And before [Y/N] can say something cheeky to ruin that moment, Bucky presses his lips on hers to make her shut up for good.