The cool windy air carries the leaves as I sit and ponder on my seat. Watching everyone around me cry, look lost, hurt and some emotionless, like me. Everyone here knew Gary one way or another. They all had some sort of relationship with him.
His kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, friends family, and of course people he worked with. People who had been apart of Garys life story, that they had been an impact in his life and helped shaped it one way or another. These people were all here today to say goodbye to someone they knew and to remember the life that he had. Knowing that they were apart of his story and that in comparison to life, it doesn't matter how long or short Garys story was, but how good it was. That's what mattered.
Ace was seated beside me and had his hand in mine throughout the whole memorial service.
It was heart breaking to hear that Gary had passed away. He was an old man but was still someone who I looked up to and was there for me during a difficult time in my life. Him and Molly both were, which is why I admired the two. They were all I had at one point in my life.
Ace too was sad to hear the news since Gary was his long time employee and driver. He knew him far longer than I did. We were both saddened by the news and wanted to pay our respects to his family.
I was feeling very weak today when I got up of bed. My body didn't want to carry itself and it took me a while to gather up the strength and push my self which of course wasn't a good thing. After a long argument with Ace of him not wanting me to go to the funeral but me persistently insisting we go, I eventually won the argument and here we were. I wanted to be here. I needed to be here.
Even though Gary had a long lived and good life, it was still hard and sad that he was gone. But most of all, it was scary. One day you're here, and the next, you're not. Everyone was here to say goodbye to him and sooner or later, these people would slowly move on with their lives and eventually forget the pain they are feeling right now. Forget this day. Forget the person. And move on.
But the scariest of all, facing death. Which was something I knew was coming for me. The whole time, all I could imagine were people gathered for my funeral. That it was me instead of Gary.
After the funeral service is over, I stand up from my seat but hold onto Ace when I feel dizzy. I close my eyes and try to balance my self. I had taken my medication today but it wasn't helping as much.
"Is everything okay?" he asks with worries-ness as he holds me
I nod my head and slowly open my eyes as I start to feel better
We walk back to the car and drive back home. Molly took the rest of the day off since she too was at the funeral. Reaching the house, I start to feel my heart sink into my chest and a wave of emotions seep through.
Ever since I received the email 2 nights ago, I hadn't shed single tear. I was sad and heart broken but I didn't cry. Not even at the funeral today. But here stepping into the house, I feel a wave of emotions and tears pool around my eyes but I push them back as I walk in front of Ace. All I wanted was for us to talk. We still hadn't talked about it and how we truly felt since we heard the news of my condition and that's all I wanted us to do right now. Communicate.
Entering the house, I take off my coat and turn around to face him.
He looked broken. I grab his hand in mine and he intertwines our fingers. I place my forehead against his and close my eyes to push back the tears that were starting to form
"Ace, talk to me" I whisper
Silence.
Knowing that no conversation was going to emerge, I turn to head up the stairs but I stop when I hear him speak
"You should get some rest" Ace says from behind me
I feel goosebumps form all over my body as I quickly wipe away the single tear that escaped my eye before turning to face him again
"I have to call Sarah and talk about a few files first" I say
He nods his head
"Remember to pack for tomorrow, we leave in the morning" he reminds me of the stupid appointment that he still hadn't canceled
I let out a groan "Ace.... how many times do I need to tell you, we're not going"
He doesn't even bother listening to me as ignores me and walks around the house
"You're not even listening to me!" I yell a bit louder
"Fine, ignore me. But I'm not boarding that plane tomorrow" I say and turn to leave
"It's not by choice Alexandra." he snaps
"What do you mean 'not by choice'!? I can choose to do whatever I want and I don't want to go!" I yell walking up to him
"WE ARE GOING! End of discussion" he yells closer to my face and then pulls away to turn around and walk back
"Is this how it's going to be from now on?" I ask him feeling defeated
"....Taking me to different countries, different doctor appointments, constantly taking tests to see if there is anything anyone could do, only to go through the same bad bearing news over and over again that there is nothing anyone could do! Nothing! And whenever you feel like it, you block me out, block out the world, until you decide it's your time to shine again!"
"Don't start this" he turns around and warns
"Well guess what Ace, you don't get to block everything out when you feel like it! You can't do that, it's not right" I yell
"You can't tell me not to take moments because I need to Alex! I need to stay strong for you but I'm breaking inside! I need moments to break from the outside too and I can't do that in front of you" he yells spilling out his truth
"No Ace, you don't. Because I need you. I needed you when we came home from the hospital on the first day, I needed you when Dr. Ashley came that night. I need you right now, with your arms around mine because you are all I have." I say with my words breaking both of our hearts
Silence unfolds around us as he realizes his mistakes
"...Alexandra you need to understand that I'm doing all of this to find a way for you to feel better. Because I don't want you hurting, or ever feeling scared. We are going to find a proper treatment that will cure you. And that's why going to this other doctor is important because maybe he can find a way-" I cut him off and let out a scoff
"Do you not understand Ace!? I'm gonna die. No matter how many doctors you take me to, no matter where in the world we fly to see, they will all tell you the same thing because I am dying of a disease that has no cure!" I start to say and I see him start to move uncomfortably as his eyes start to redden from my words
I know it was harsh but it was the truth and he needed to snap out of it
"I'm dying Ace. You need to just accept it"
He shakes his head 'no' with anger in his eyes as a tear slides down his cheek
But I continue
"I'm gonna die Ace, and sooner or later, just like the funeral service we went to today, the next time you go, I won't be sitting beside you because that will be my funeral!"
"ENOUGH!" he yells and grabs a vase sitting on the nearest side table and smashes it to the ground turning it into a million pieces
"You need to accept it Ace" I continue with tears streaming down my face
He grabs my arm and brings my face closer to his
"I refuse to have to bury my wife and I will never allow it" he sneers
"No! You NEED to accept the truth Ace. Get your head out of the clouds and start looking at the facts. We have a baby coming in 3 months and chances are that you will be raising her without me. We need to accept the harsh truth and move on so we can plan accordingly" I manage to say without breaking down but my tears continue streaming down my face
"Alexandra stop this" Ace says looking into my eyes and pulling me closer into his chest as he tries to calm me down
I slide down to the floor and lean against the wall as he sits beside me too
"Please Ace. Please stop ignoring the facts and please just accept the truth" I sniffle between my words, caressing his face as I catch the tear drops that leave his eyes
He grabs my hands and holds them tightly in his bringing the closer to his lips as he closes his eyes and breaks down with me
"baby I can't live without you, this is not how our story is supposed to end" he sobbed
"Yet it isn't the ending" I say and place his hands on my stomach
"She is your future and the most precious thing in our lives who needs us... who needs you. It's not the end because you will have her, Ace."
"But she needs you too Alex, she needs her mother. I can't do this alone. I can't live my life without you in it. You are the reason I still breathe and without you, my life has no meaning." he holds my stomach and looks up at me
"Our lives will have no meaning" he says, talking about him and the baby
"....Stay strong, for the both of us because we both need you"
I wipe away his tears and open my arms as he buries his head into my chest and hug him.
I place a kiss on his head and feel my own fear seep through as I close my eyes and hug him tighter
"I'm tired of being strong Ace. Of being stronger for everyone else, because the truth is, I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared of everything. I don't want to die, I don't. It scares me. I'm scared that I will die before seeing my baby girl" I finally breakdown my truth
For the first time since receiving this news.... Ace and I finally had admitted our true feelings and fears to each other and had finally talked about it which is what we did for the rest of the night
Sitting on the floor, we laid in each others arms till morning. Just 2 broken characters.
--
:(
New update coming soon, working on it right now <3
Vote and comment your thoughts!