The cat-eyed girl didn't know when she started feeling the way she did towards the particular cellist. All she knew was, Ryujin was too good to let go of.
Yeji POV
That was so impulsive. What is wrong with me?!
I pulled away from the kiss after a few seconds.
"I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."
"I-it's okay."
Fuck. I weirded her out.
Ryujin POV
What just happened. Does this mean she likes me or was that just in the spur of the moment?!? Was that a mistake? Crap, think of something to say!
"I just...needed someone."
What was that supposed to mean?!?!
"Don't worry about it. I understand. I'm here for you." I faced her.
"C-can I trust you...Ryujin?"
"Of course."
"I- I really need someone to talk to." She stammered.
"You can talk to me, I'm listening."
She looked into my eyes. "Can you promise to keep what I tell you between the two of us?"
"I promise."
————————————————————————
The cellist had difficulty falling asleep that night. Not only did the person she adored kiss her, the violinist also told her more information than she could have possibly absorbed in one night.
Ryujin POV
My mind was racing, and my heart was pounding from the information Yeji had told me.
I could hear her heavy breathing beside me, indicating that she was asleep. Even when she's asleep, she looks gorgeous. I guess it eased her, being able to let all that off her chest, but at the same time, it feels like a weight of that was put on me...
I quickly snapped back to my thoughts.
It was all so much to take in.
Recap: "I've never really told anyone this...but I've been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember."
Yeji is...depressed. I could have figured it out from the way she tried to...unalive herself just a few hours ago. But still. She always appeared...fine. I could tell from the moment I met this girl that she had high standards. Maybe... a little too high.
"My biggest fear is failure."
From practical birth, her parents had always put pressure on her to do well. To be the best. It was ingrained into her brain. But, it was mostly her father pushing her, as her mother worked a very high paying, intense job on Wall Street, working over 80 hours a week. On top of that, if she'd fail to please her father, he'd end up...beating her.
"I hate my dad and my mom is never home."
"If I don't succeed, there'd be no point in living."
She's a true perfectionist. Her standards are set to be as high as they can possibly go, maybe sometimes even impossible to achieve. This would, however, set her up for constant disappointment and negative evaluations of herself if something didn't go her way.
"I was panicking really badly after I had finished the Sibelius performance back then. I hated myself for making those stupid mistakes on stage. I knew you sounded better than me...I just couldn't accept reality."
She is overly self-critical and fears any sort of failure. Such fear eventually developed into a diagnosed form of anxiety, constantly afraid of making any little mistake. Moreover, she is excessively concerned with how others view her, evaluating her own self-worth through unattainable accomplishments. It's incredible how she's aware of all this and yet can't seem to...fix herself? She uses this anxiety to propel her forward, appearing to be successful, calm, put together.
"They weren't drugs...they're prescribed to ease my nerves before a performance."
Her pills...are anxiety pills. They calm her down.
Her state of constant stress and negative thoughts would result in...depression.
This wasn't the first time she'd thought of dying. She told me she'd written a suicide note a while back.
"The one person I truly felt I could trust to be by my side until now was Lia."
My heart was completely broken for her. I always thought she was overly privileged. I used to think: how can someone with everything possibly struggle? She always functioned fine in school, and she never failed to impress those around her.
I misjudged her.
The only thing I could do right now was be here for her.
(A/N: idk if this explanation made any sense to y'all. But Perfectionism isn't the glorious gift everyone makes it out to be. It leads to anxiety and depression, and I wanted Yeji to embody this concept.)
———————————————————————
Yeji POV
I woke up with Ryujin still sleeping beside me.
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and saw a spam of messages from Lia.
"Where the hell are you? I went to your house and your parents said you never came home last night."
"Hey? You agreed to talk today, remember?"
"Dude, respond!"
"Why aren't you answering?"
"Yeji, please. I'm sorry for yelling at you yesterday."
"Hey, I'm really worried about you."
"Please answer your phone."
She scrolled through her phone some more and saw a text from Satan himself.
"Come home, dear. I'm not mad at you. I even bought you a brand new $500,000 violin and $20,000 bow."
Tsk. Of course he's trying to bribe her. As if she'd believe her father's words. She knew she'd suffer the worst of consequences if she went back home.
Suddenly, she felt Ryujin stir beside her.
"Good morning." Ryujin said in her morning voice and gosh did it make Yeji feel things.
"Morning." The girl answered shyly.
Ryujin turned to her side, checking the time.
"It's 8:30 a.m. My mom's already left for work."
"Your mom works on Saturdays?"
"Ahah. She works everyday..."
"Oh..."
"Come on, let's go eat some breakfast."
Ryujin POV
I prepared a bowl of steamed egg and worked on frying a kimchi pancake while Yeji sat at the kitchen counter, fidgeting with her fingers while observing me.
How is she so cute?
I really wanted to know if she felt anything for me...or if that kiss really meant nothing and just happened in the moment.
I sat across from her on the counter and placed the food down.
"Here, eat up." I smiled.
I questioned her as we ate.
"Are you feeling better?"
"...yeah."
"That's good. When do you plan on going back home?"
"...I don't know. Maybe never...haha." She said half jokingly with sad eyes.
"Yeji...you can't avoid your parents forever."
"How can you say that? You know how badly my father treats me! My mom is never home anyway!"
Shit.
I placed my hand over her's on the counter.
"I- I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry. You can stay as long as you need. I just think...you'll have to face them eventually."
"...thank you."
"Of course. Uh...have you...have you thought of getting treatment?"
"You have no idea. My parents don't believe their "perfect" daughter could be mentally ill. Especially when they're the cause of it. They won't take me to see a psychiatrist."
"I'm sorry."
"You say sorry a lot for someone who hasn't done anything wrong."
"I just...I care about you."
She looked up at me with a confused expression.
"Please, don't try killing yourself again. I don't think I can go on...without you."
"Don't be ridiculous, Ryujin. I'm just a burden...to everyone."
"How can you say that?! You were never a burden. You mean more to me than you know!"
"W- why?"
I could feel my heart already pacing. Universe, please be on my side.
I leaned in and kissed her.