Have you ever walked through absolute darkness alone? I have, it is beautiful as well as threatening at the same time. There has always been a power in darkness. A power so strong and malicious that we are warned to venture away from it. It has a pull to it, a pull stronger than the highest of the tides. I should have run the other way. But it pulled at me, with the sound of my footsteps as my only companion I ventured deeper into the darkness. Voices called to me! Most of them unfamiliar and some I am sure I would never hear again. Suddenly a faint whisper falls on my ears. I turned around and there in a faint glow his body shimmered.
Father! Father! Is that you? I cannot believe my eyes. Tears blur my vision, but I am least bothered to wipe them. He spreads his arms wide, welcoming me for a hug. I run to him, pulling my gown to my knees. Becoming a child again, I giggle as he takes me up and twirls, leaving wet sloppy kisses all over my face. I laugh as we squat to our knees and hug each other. But as the laughter abates I break down into tears embracing him. I snake my arms around his neck as he gently pats my head. Just like the old times. He kisses my forehead and tries to calm me with soft whispers. But like the old times, I cry. I cry until he sings my lullaby,
"Sleep my golden child,
Just close your blue eyes.
Trust your brave father,
And know that all shall be fine.
Answer me, should you ever worry?
When the Angel looks after you here.
Just smile in bits,
let your laughter surround.
Sweet child giggle around,
Just Wipe these tears.
Answer me, should you ever lament?
When the Angel blesses you here.
Look as the storm sneers,
Just listen to the thundering skies.
Hush these silly fears.
Just look them in the eyes.
Answer me, should you ever fret?
When the Angel roars them to shears.
Demons won't touch you,
and the devil won't hurt you.
Monsters won't haunt you,
No one can touch you
Answer me, should you ever dread?
When the Angel guards you here.
I know now you see,
You know where to listen.
You can even feel,
And now you believe.
Still, why do you cry?
When the Angel is for you here.
Sleep my golden child,
Just close your blue eyes.
Trust your brave father,
Just dream merry dreams.
Should you ever worry?
When the Angel looks after you here".
He wipes my tears and says, "Open your eyes daughter, won't the crown of my life grace me?" It's the same, same as always. Even though I don't want to, I unwillingly open my eyes. I can't resist it. I tighten my arms around him and try not to cry with all my will. I hope that this once it might be different. I sob harder as I reluctantly open my eyes. But, I am wrong! Nothing has changed. His eyes still drip blood, a thousand cuts over his seraphic flesh. Each cut is fresh, oozing blood like small rivulets merging into a river. We are embracing each other in the pool of his blood. He even has the same red-feathered devil of an arrow shot through his shoulder. His golden hair, which used to shine like the rising sun, is soaked with blood. The blood of the dawn. I move back in horror and tremble as I see my hands. They are dipped to the elbow in his blood. I turn away, this will end if I run, it always does. But, as soon as I move my foot, he screams, "Atarah, where are you going?". No one ever calls me that other than him.
I look at him, his arms are again outstretched, and there are tears in his eyes. Is this truly him? Even though I haven't asked my question, he nods in approval. I approach him in small baby steps, each step larger than the previous one until I am running. I am running, but no matter how fast I run, I can't reach him. The world seems to diverge between us and everything begins to fade. He outstretches his left arm to meet mine. I try to catch hold of his palm with my right arm. I see only his face and left arm are left, which are soon fading. He smiles as a tear slides down his cheek and says, "My crown! My daughter! Forgive me. I just wanted to keep you safe. He will keep you safe. I know he will! Forgive me!"
He fades away and I am left alone in the dark abyss. I scream in agony and pain. All alone in the dark. Is this my fate? With no light, with no hope. I clench my fists and cry as I let go of the last ounce of my battered will and beg, "No more! I beg you, my God! no more." I stare at the ground, which is also swallowed by the infernal darkness that surrounds me. I glance at the bright light emanating from my right fist. I open it, and I see a string interwoven with itself, glowing in my hand. The same hand he just touched before he faded. I look around to see where I am. But as always, I am clueless. This never happened earlier. I ran away from my father's ghost and then I heard them. I was waiting for the voices which like every time would entrap me in their melancholy. It broke my mind enough so that I could escape.
The horrifying voices struck even though I thought that I am well prepared for them. It is as sorrowful as if a thousand men were wailing at the same time. Soon my voice joins theirs. But one voice among them is distinct. Among all the voices, it isn't as loud as the others, but even drenched in sorrow it's the most melodious sound you could ever hear. Like always, it begins to graduate towards a crescendo of laments. I know that I must prepare for the assault. I covered my ears as the laments turned to screams. I felt the strain on my ears as I pressed my palms tighter, but all in vain. From the screeches, I heard a soft voice, saying,
"Only when all seems lost,
Should you tie a dire knot.
Each time the strings of hope shall shine,
For only thirteen times help shall arrive."
I screamed over the top of my voice, "Who are you? Are you Ariel?" The voice chuckled, "Angels can't concern themselves with affairs of mortals, child. Even guardian Archangels don't. Remember, no heavenly force will come to your aid. Heaven has had enough mockery by Adam and his inheritants. Remember thirteen knots, and use them wisely". Saying this, the voice disappeared, and the lamenting howl took over it. Even though I have gone through this countless times, it still brings me to my knees. It reminds me of how weak I am. I lose all sense and scream as I give up. Suddenly the darkness swallows me. I jerk open my eyes as I whimper for sight.
Shh! It was just another one. Another nightmare. I stare into Eleni's hazel eyes. I am woken up from my nightmare by Eleni, my lady in waiting. She also happens to be the person closest to a friend. She says, "Princess, you need to sleep. The procession is today, you need to look amiable. It is a big big day". I reply curtly, "For heaven's sake. Has it already been a month since my father's death?". I look her in the eyes and ask, "Does it ever get better?" She wraps her arms around me. But I only stiffen, I am not used to being touched often. I let go of a heavy breath as I accept, "I still miss him". She assures me, "It sure does. Mostly when you meet someone who heals you when you didn't know you were even hurt". I stop her train of thoughts, "We are not going down that road again! Stop spinning those dreamy yarns in your mind, Eleni. We don't even know who he is? I would rather dread today first. I don't think this is the right time for a coronation. I told you I am not sure I should be a queen".
My heart breaks as she sniffles a sob and pleads, "I know milady doesn't want to rule, I know it is not possible. But milady forgets that she will be a queen, not a ruler. Moreover, you just have to do it for some time. Soon you would come of age and be married crowning a king. Hold yourself for that long, and all your worries will end. Neither do you have to rule, your reagents will do that for you. You have to do that for the people. If you don't become the queen, who will pardon my father... "
Now, you might get it, everyone wants something from me. I am all alone, but I cannot blame Eleni, her father, lord Aron did no crime, he just followed my father's orders. I say, "Eleni, I will not only ensure that your father is pardoned but also that he is restored to his former glory. Now, fetch me some juice, I am parched." She nods and leaves, saying, "I will also send the maids to help with your bed. Perhaps the royal mage may reinstigate the wards, and a spell might be more useful." I check my pillow and bedsheets, they are wet with tears and sweat. I get up from my massive bed move towards my wardrobe. I wrap a cloak around me and move towards the window. As the moonlight illuminates my vision I realize that I have chosen a black grab, completely fitting for the event.
It has been seven years since I last saw my father. I had just celebrated my thirteenth name day before he left and I am almost 17 now. Oh! I wish he could be here with me now. He would tell me what to do. If he were here I wouldn't have to do a thing, would I? I wish it were me who had died in his stead. Life would have been so much better for everyone. The People would not be leaderless. Our people would not be afraid. Lord Mallister would not be charged with any crimes. And the name of the Royal family of Arien would not be lost. I sigh thinking about what could have happened while my mind reels onto my restlessness. Since the black letter arrived I have not been able to sleep properly. I have these nightmares of my father and the voices that accompany him. Usually, he never speaks or shows any emotion but this time it was different. This time he called me by my name. I cannot help but wonder if he somehow survived If somehow he was gravely injured and was currently hiding. What if he was bidding time for his return. I wish I could get him back. When you love someone so much then how is it possible for them to stop existing all of a sudden? How is it possible for someone you love to die? To cease existing, never to be seen again. Does not our love guide them to us? I know it. My Pa will come back. They all are lying. He cannot possibly be dead. He will come back to me. He loves me right? He will be back. I know it. I sigh as I debate this in my head again.
Just then the maids enter. I know what they are thinking. They are questioning if I have finally lost my senses. Even I feel so sometimes. Am I unstable enough to need help to sleep? I wait as the maids tend to my bed. Macar Jalal won't be happy about being raised so late, just because a girl cannot sleep. I turn as I hear the heavy double doors open with a thud. He doesn't necessarily have to make a spectacle of everything, does he? I smile in greeting. He dips his head in courtesy but also nods it in frustration. I see that he was not yet dismissed by the lords of the court. Today he is in a black robe with delicate silver handiwork. All his ten fingers are adorned with ten rings, each worth enough to feed a family for months. He isn't in his wig now. I can see his bald head, which has few wisps of hair at the sides, which is now silver than his natural brown. He waves his fingers to order the maids to back off. He raises his hand and starts chanting something in the sacred tongue. It is the language of angels and is used to conjure magic.
See just the mastery of language doesn't make a person a mage. It is said that mages are trained in one of the grey citadels and sent forth to the lords and kings to serve but as a barter. The mages help and guide the lords, whereas they promise to protect their holy citadels. Which many say hold unknown secrets, but is accessible to only the mages. Women are forbidden there, the women who practice high magic are dubbed as witches in most of the kingdoms. Even our Ariana! A few realms do support female mages, but they are always to be under a male mage or Macar and the rest have banned magic for years. Still, nowhere women are allowed to practice high magic.
He does his work and leaves, saying, "Macar Verlac will see to the spell." I was happy for that, as Macar Verlac was young, not much older than me. The greatest upside is that he is a lot more polite than his master. But Eleni is a lot happier than me, she is almost dancing. Her face is as red as my mother's roses, and her eyes are shining as if there were stars embedded in them. She is a stupid girl. I can not help but shake my head in disappointment. I do not look highly on people messing with my mind, even the good ones. It is easy to convince the younger Macar not too, but Macar Jalal is not a good man. He just wishes to fill his coffers and get more power. Eleni is in a hurry to dispose of the giggling maids. I just smile and signal them to leave. I sigh as I get tired of her pacing all over my room and say, "You do get that Macars are not allowed to marry or have children. He is truly not in your reach". But she gives me that innocent puppy face, which means, "Please, my lady, not now." I raise my hands in submission, and she says, "What about when Milady falls in love? I am sure Milady will be pacing all over the seamstress to get her wedding dress proper and prim." I reply with a small smile, "Milady knows that she shall marry not that she shall love." Eleni squeals with an apologetic grin, "Milady would hope to fall in love, won't she?" I reply with a smile bigger than I want to, "Milady would love to fall in love, but hope is all she can, and hope is all she should. Right now she just hopes that her husband is as kind and smart as he is brave. The fate of my father's nation lies on it. " She comes forth and clamps both my hands in hers and is about to say something when she is interrupted by a knock.