April 2014
"More shoes? I will bring them to the closet," Karlie says kneeling on the floor, as she goes through the boxes that remain unpacked.
Taylor is kneeling on the opposite side of the room, doing the same as Karlie, but working at a much slower pace. She can't take her eyes off the model, and the unpacked boxes are going untouched as a result.
Taylor is still trying to process what happened seconds after Karlie entered her apartment. The singer definitely hadn't planned on greeting her friend in that way, but she physically couldn't contain herself. It scared her, if she was being honest, that Karlie's presence had such a hold over her.
Taylor watches as the long legged model gracefully stands up, bends over to pick the cardboard box off the floor, to carry away to her new closet. Even barefoot, the model's height is shocking. She had an overwhelming aura between her height, effortless strut, head always held high. She overflowed of confidence.
Taylor is surprised at how many empty boxes surround Karlie's workspace, as she now has the chance to examine the room without distraction. The model was working as quickly as possible, in the hopes to settle Taylor in sooner rather than later to ease some of the singer's stress. Taylor had constantly been surprised with each box Karlie opened at how little questions the model needed to ask Taylor, she seemed to know exactly where Taylor wanted things to be placed, even before Taylor knew herself.
Her apartment was finally coming together with the help of the model.
As Karlie pads back into the living room smiling, she walks over to Taylor hands outstretched to pull Taylor up.
"Let's go out for a bit, we have been unpacking for a while. I, for one, have made a lot of progress. You, on the other hand..." Karlie says, still holding onto Taylor's hands as she kicks one of the only four empty boxes by Taylor.
"Shut up, I unpacked everything else by myself the last couple of the days. It isn't my fault I am not as enthusiastic today about it," Taylor says, her competitive side coming out.
"Well, I still win with the most boxes," Karlie says smiling, pulling Taylor closer to her.
"You make me not want to thank you for unpacking them," Taylor says trying not to smile back at the beaming model.
"Hmm," Karlie hums, as Taylor is finally pressed up against her. The singer shyly smiles at her friend, a hint of a blush blossoming. Karlie leans her forehead against Taylor's own, and allows her lips to softly graze the shorter girl's cheek. "This isn't what I was expecting," Karlie says softly.
"I missed you," Taylor replies, not really acknowledging what the younger girl was getting at.
"And I missed you."
"Are we going out, or what?" Taylor asks, wriggling her hands free from Karlie's in order to wrap her arms around the back of the taller girl's neck. Karlie wraps her now free arms around the small of Taylor's back, bringing her even more tightly against her than before.
"Do you want to?" Karlie asks.
"I guess so," Taylor says, however making no move to break their embrace.
Taylor pulls her head away from the model's and rests it instead in the crook of her neck an shoulder. They remain like this silently, appreciating the physical contact that they had missed for the past month, allowing unspoken conversation to flow between the two.
Karlie rests her lips against Taylor's neck before saying, "I hate to do this, but I am actually hungry."
Taylor does her best to suppress a shiver from wracking her body at the feeling of Karlie's words vibrating against her neck. "Okay, let me get changed," Taylor replies, breaking away from Karlie without looking at her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://tswiftdaily.com/tagged/april-3-2014
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeWv6-oO_jU (pretend they didn't arrive by car..lol)
Taylor spends longer than she would have liked choosing an outfit. She tried convincing herself it was taking a while because she was navigating a new closet, and only a portion of her clothes had been unpacked, and not that she was trying to choose an outfit she would look good in for Karlie.
This wasn't the plan. Taylor can't believe how they are acting together. No matter how she looked at it, these were not two friends reuniting after time apart, but something more. Knowing the feelings that were admitted between the two made this mean even more than it already did, but the two girls had still managed to avoid speaking explicitly about anything they have been doing with each other.
Is this my first date with Karlie Kloss? Taylor wonders, as she studies the mirror applying makeup. She isn't sure what the answer is, but just the thought causes her to spend a few extra minutes on her hair.
No, nothing was going according to plan, but Taylor would be lying to herself if she said she wasn't ecstatic about it. She grabs a purse and returns to the living room, where Karlie is waiting with her grey jacket already on.
"Cute," Karlie comments smiling, as Taylor makes her entrance.
"Thank you," Taylor says, looking down shyly.
"I guess you're not the type of person I can wear jeans with, huh?" Karlie says, gesturing to the singer's dress.
"I can change if you want," Taylor says looking up. Karlie reaches out and brushes the blonde's bangs aside.
"Now, I didn't go that far," Karlie says smiling, as her eyes wander downwards.
Taylor is taken off guard by the model so blatantly admiring her body, and quickly says, "I just need to have the driver pull up and we can go."
Karlie's attention is brought back upwards. "Driver? We don't need a driver, I am bringing you someplace close. We can walk there."
"There will be paparazzi. There have been more by the day gathering since I moved in," Taylor warns.
"So what? I want you to experience New York City, that means walking. I can handle some cameras," Karlie replies, sounding confident.
"Karlie, I don't think you understand the amount of photographers.." Taylor says, still sounding unsure.
"I want you to do what you are comfortable with, but if you're worrying about me, don't. Seriously," Karlie says, grabbing ahold of Taylor's hand now to lead her to the door.
"Okay, I guess we can walk," Taylor replies, following behind the younger girl.
They exit the apartment and are met by two member of Taylor's security team.
"We are walking there," Taylor informs them, as Karlie still leads the way towards the staircase to the apartment lobby.
The two girls descend the stairs with their hands intertwined, as though reminding each other that they are indeed in each other's presence after their time apart.
Finally, they reach the bottom of the many flights of stairs.
"I can't believe you paid this much for a place with a broken elevator," Karlie remarks teasingly, as a member of the security opens the door to the apartment building. Once the door is open, shouts from the street can be heard from New York City paparazzi along with various premature clicks and flashes of cameras.
Karlie fearlessly pulls Taylor forward by the hand, still leading the way, when Taylor pulls her hand free of the model's. Karlie stops in her tracks and turns around to look at Taylor, who doesn't meet her gaze but walks ahead, exiting the building. Karlie quickly follows, doing her best to not take Taylor's actions personally.
We can't just walk out of here holding hands like that. Karlie reminds herself, doing her best not to feel down about it. Karlie sticks her hands in the pockets of her jacket, so as not to feel all of a sudden useless by her side. There are so many reasons to be not be doing what they're doing, but of course Karlie had been able to push those reasons aside once in Taylor's apartment. Now they are at the forefront of her mind.
They quickly walk down the steps to the sidewalk, being captured by camera and shouted at the entire time.
Taylor is doing her best to smile for the paparazzi, having been told that New York City photogs can be quite respectful so long as they get good shots. However, she is struggling to keep up such a facade, as the reality of her situation with Karlie has just been fully realized as she is photographed with the model beside her.
What would happen to me if they were to ever get pictures of us acting the way we did in the apartment? Taylor thinks to herself. Although they are being photographed as friends right now, heading off to lunch, Taylor can't help but feel panicked, as though the world was peeking in and taking a quick glance at her secret. I can't be doing anything with Karlie like that anymore. It would never work. This is my life, there isn't any room for me to be testing things out with her.
Taylor had been lost in her thoughts, a sweet but false smile plastered on her face for the photographers' benefit. She was aware of Karlie by her side, but was careful not to look at her.
"Hey? If you want to drive we can," Karlie says softly, careful to not have her words picked up by any filming that may be occurring.
"No, I'm okay," Taylor says, finally looking at Karlie from the side. She is surprised to find the younger girl seemingly at complete ease, despite the chaos surrounding them. From what she can see of Karlie's eyes behind her brown sunglasses, she sees that they are lighthearted. Her step is easy, still graceful and effortless. Although only a small smile is currently playing at her lips, Taylor can tell it wouldn't be a difficult task to elicit Karlie's signature teeth-baring smile. "And you are definitely okay," Taylor adds, sounding surprised.
"I told you not to worry about me, I can handle this stuff," Karlie says, fully smiling now at Taylor's tone of voice.
"I guess so," Taylor agrees. She can't think of a single person who has ever been so at ease with this lifestyle Taylor has no choice but to live at this point. Her own friends often opt to have quiet nights in when spending time with Taylor, to avoid just what was occurring now. Taylor was even convinced that her last two serious relationships with Jake and Harry came to an unfruitful end due to this exact attention that Karlie wasn't even batting an eye at.
All of a sudden, Karlie's presence beside her means everything. Looking at Karlie, you would never know the amount of people they were surrounded by, the chaos that ensued on each block they passed. It was as though Karlie couldn't see anything but Taylor, and that allowed Taylor to be able to feel the same.
Before they know it, their conversation becomes easy once more, as easy as it comes on the phone late at night.Their laughter is uninhibited, smiles passing often between the two. Their conversation is animated, as the two realize that phone calls really weren't good enough as they both enjoy and laugh at the each other's facial expressions and gestures. The paparazzi have completely faded from both girls' views, despite the fact that with each additional block they walk additional photographers join the pack.
"Oh! I almost completely walked by the place!" Karlie exclaims, stopping short in front of a small privately owned restaurant. "After you," Karlie says, holding the door open for Taylor.
Taylor thanks her as she passes through the door frame. It had been a while in her life since eating at a place so small. There was no private back booth, or a place to even shield themselves from paparazzi as they ate. Taylor turns around, feeling unsure of herself having lost sight of Karlie. Karlie offers her a smile and lightly prods Taylor forward.
"There are some seats right there," Karlie says although knowing Taylor couldn't have missed that. The singer was beginning to worry again.
They take their seats quietly, as a waiter walks over to hand each girl a menu. Karlie is thankful that the man makes no mention of Taylor being, well, Taylor Swift, even though Karlie is sure the employees and patrons of the relatively little known restaurant are shocked by the superstar's presence.
Karlie is quick to ask a few small talk questions directed at the waiter and then more questions about the menu Karlie already knew the answers to, purposely keeping the attention from Taylor. Karlie's strategy works, as the employee leaves them to look over the menu without a single mention of Taylor.
"What do you think you're going to get?" Karlie asks, smiling at Taylor but not expecting one in return.
"I'm not sure," Taylor says staring down at the menu, her voice lacking the enthusiasm it had while walking over to the restaurant.
"Look at me," Karlie says softly, leaning slightly towards Taylor. It isn't until Taylor looks up and meets her gaze does Karlie add, "You're fine."
"I just feel like I'm in a fish bowl or a zoo or something right now," Taylor says, looking down quickly again. There is a pack of paparazzi with their lenses pressed right up against the window of the restaurant, yelling for the singer's attention. "And I feel like I am completely disturbing everybody in this place."
"You aren't, they are," Karlie says, turning around and taking a look at the mayhem that was beyond the window.
"They're here because of me," Taylor is quick to add.
"It isn't your fault that you are endlessly interesting," Karlie says just as quickly in response, smiling despite the situation.
"Ha. Nice," Taylor says, unable to keep a small but fleeting smile from her face.
It is a start, however, and Karlie continues to work to keep conversation flowing. It is unfortunately more difficult to ignore the paparazzi while they sit impatiently waiting for lunch than it is as they were active and walking to their destination. Karlie hates to admit that Taylor's description of a zoo or fish bowl was an accurate one, as she continues turning around to look outside.
Eventually the conversation becomes more natural, although not as lighthearted as it was on their walk over. There was less laughter and smaller smiles, but the conversation did come easy, at least.
Karlie is thankful when she quickly turns around and sees the majority of the photographers have left the window, getting bored with the girls awaiting for their meal.
"All gone," Karlie comments, as she turns back around to face Taylor.
"I am not used to that," Taylor says, surprised herself.
"I told you, they just want their shot here," Karlie replies smiling. She is hopeful that Taylor may find more peace than she is used to here in New York.
Their meals are brought over and conversation begins to become as goofy as it was on their walk over. Just as Karlie feels themselves being on the cusp of joyful conversation, the growing light in Taylor's eyes darkens as she says, "They are just using far away lenses instead. They didn't leave. That one didn't anyway."
"What?" Karlie asks, confused about what Taylor is talking about. She turns around, following Taylor's gaze. It takes the model a second, before spotting a minuscule black circular lens, so far away she is shocked at how easily the singer spotted it. "Don't pay attention to him."
"Do you think they have been filming us talk the whole time?" Taylor asks, bringing a hand to her mouth. Paparazzi gave her anxiety no matter what the situation was, but she can't help but feel even more anxious when being photographed with Karlie. Was it possible for pictures to give their confusing and undeveloped secret away?
Karlie is sad to see Taylor cover her mouth, realizing the singer has had to spend the last couple years of her life devising ways to live under such scrutiny. Karlie can't help but mimic the older girl's actions when replying, "It is okay, we haven't been talking about anything...interesting." Millions of different thoughts, actions, and feelings between the two are crammed into the single word: 'interesting.'
"Okay, I think you are right," Taylor replies slowly, obviously wracking her brain and playing back the entire conversation they just had in the last ten minutes.
Karlie notices Taylor's shoulders slightly slump forward, not sitting up as straight as she does within her own home. Karlie would do anything just to be able to give the older girl a comforting hug, but knows it would only worry the girl more. She sees the singer's hand resting upon the table, and sets her own hand beside it about to reach out and hold it, when Taylor quickly pulls away.
Once more, Karlie does her best not to take Taylor's actions personally. She is used to freely offering Taylor physical signs of comfort, but that is away from prying eyes. The model knows she must respect Taylor's personal comfort and not be insulted. She does her best not to feel hurt.
"Why don't we walk to my apartment from here? It is closer than yours, and you can stay the night if you want," Karlie says, ignoring the slight pang of pain she received from Taylor's indirect rebuff.
"Stay the night?" Taylor asks shyly, bringing her hand to her mouth once more. Karlie believes she is not only covering her lips but also the blush that has formed.
"I mean... to get away from the unpacked boxes. That's all," Karlie teases, but unable to hold Taylor's stare for long.
"Just to get away from the boxes," Taylor agrees, biting back a mischievous smile.
Suddenly, both girls finish the last half of their meals much faster than the first half. They even say no to dessert. Within minutes of making their plans, they are leaving the restaurant with smiles back on their faces.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Karlie unlocks the door to her apartment and allows Taylor to enter before her.
"Ta da!" Karlie exclaims, making a large sweeping gesture with both arms once entering her living room with Taylor.
"I have already been here, Karlie," Taylor says laughing.
"Oh," Karlie says, dropping her arms by her side. The two girls make eye contact and erupt in laughter at Karlie's reaction.
"But it is still very nice," Taylor assures her once their mingling laughter dies down.
"Thank you very much. Let's go to the kitchen because I can't forgive myself for saying no to dessert," Karlie says, linking her arm with Taylor's and leading her towards the kitchen. "We are baking cookies."
"If you insist," Taylor says, taking note of how authoritative Karlie becomes in regards to baking.
Taylor is struck with a sense of deja vu as she walks into Karlie's kitchen. She is reminded of when she was here last, as she chose pictures to hang on Karlie's refrigerator from their road trip, and leaving a picture of the two in Karlie's bedroom. As Taylor walks over to the fridge to admire her work she notices that Karlie has added even more pictures from the road trip than Taylor did. She smiles staring at all the pictures once more.
"You see that one?" Taylor points at a picture of the Kloss sisters piled up on top of each other at the beach. "That was my lock screen for like an entire two days until Meredith did something cuter."
"Each Kloss sister would be incredibly honored," Karlie replies smiling, as she mills about the kitchen grabbing ingredients from different cupboards. "You know, you left your genius sweater in my bedroom still. I thought you were going to pick it up when you came over."
"Oh, yeah. I forgot. It was a busy day for me, look at all these pictures," Taylor replies, motioning the the pictures of a younger Karlie in particular. "I might go put it on now though, if we aren't leaving for the rest of the day."
Taylor walks down the hallway towards Karlie bedroom, not because of the sweater, but rather out of curiosity for what the model chose to do with the photograph Taylor and left on her bed weeks ago. When the singer walks into the bedroom the first thing she immediately sees is the photograph she chose, now framed, on the nightstand beside Karlie's bed.
Taylor's heart skips, as she walks over to the framed photograph smiling. It is a photograph of Karlie kissing Taylor's cheek at the beach at Big Sur. It was the last day of their road trip, but the first day each girl had fully embraced their feelings for each other.
Taylor recalls that the framed photograph of Karlie and Josh had been facedown on this very nightstand last time she had been here. She turns around to examine the rest of the room before spotting the photograph's new location on the model's bureau, surrounded by other framed pictures of Karlie's family members.
Taylor knows she can't spend too much time being nosy, and so strips off her dress and tights in order to reclaim the genius sweater she had allowed Karlie to borrow on the road trip. It is Taylor's turn to borrow from Karlie, as she searches for a pair of leggings in the model's drawers to pair with the sweater.
Before walking out of the bedroom, Taylor takes a final look at the framed photograph of the two on Karlie's nightstand. She is warmly greeted by the feeling of butterflies in her stomach before continuing on her way to Karlie in the kitchen once more.
When Taylor enters the kitchen Karlie is just placing a tray of cookies in the oven.
"You look comfortable," Karlie says looking up, noticing Taylor has helped herself to her leggings.
"Mhm," Taylor replies smiling, walking towards the taller girl and embracing her in a tight hug.
Karlie is quick to return the hug, but asks, "What did I do to deserve this?"
"I'm just glad we are here together," Taylor replies, snuggling her head against Karlie.
The model smiles, and plants a kiss on top of the shorter girl's head. Taylor reacts by looking up at the model, and before they know it their lips are locked once more.
They kiss each other sweetly and gently, taking their time as if knowing they will have all night to pick up the pace. Just as Karlie brings up her hands to cup Taylor's cheeks, her phone's ringtone sounds.
Karlie groans into their kiss, and Taylor is the first to pull away.
"Answer the phone," Taylor says, smiling at the younger girl's clear frustration.
Karlie's frustration is slightly abated seeing Taylor's smile, and she gives her a quick playful kiss on the nose before going to the counter to retrieve her phone.
The model's stomach plummets at seeing Josh's incoming call. He almost never calls her first for any reason, and for that reason Karlie feels as though she has no choice but to answer the call. Something must be up.
"Hello?" Karlie answers neutrally, facing away from Taylor.
"Hey, Kar, um.. I'm just pulling up to your place. I thought.. Well I got us a couple of movies. I thought we could have a movie night, maybe. If you want to," Josh says, his uncertainty even being clear through the phone.
Karlie squeezes her eyes shut. How has she managed, yet again, to put Josh in the back of her mind while with Taylor? Her supposed best friend. Josh was finally doing his best to be spontaneous, between this and is surprise dinner a couple of weeks ago. This was the effort and affection Karlie had always wanted from Josh but never expected to get. Now that he was actually doing his best to get out of his comfort zone, was it what she actually wanted?
"Yeah, sure. Taylor is here, by the way. You can meet her," Karlie replies. They exchange brief and awkward goodbyes, as they will be greeting each other within seconds.
Karlie turns around, dreading having to say the words out loud. As Taylor approaches her, her blue eyes pouring into Karlie's own greens one, possibly looking greedy for more of the kiss that was just interrupted, Karlie says, "Josh is here."
"W-what?" Taylor stops immediately, eyes wide staring at Karlie.
"Yeah, I didn't know.. He just showed up. I'm going to get the door," Karlie says, brushing past the singer. She wishes she could talk more with Taylor about whatever encounter is just about to take place, or at least ease some of the older girl's worry, but there really is no time.
Karlie makes it to the front door in no time, already spotting the tip of Josh's messy dark hair through the window placed high on the door. She takes a slow breath before opening the door, hoping she doesn't look as though she has just been caught doing something suspicious. She feels guilt fire up within her, as she has selfishly been doing her best all day to deny herself the realization that she was indeed doing something very suspicous behind her boyfriend's back.
"Hey," Karlie says, opening the door as Josh leans in to quickly kiss Karlie's cheek. In one hand Josh is holding three movies, and in the other a small bouquet of assorted flowers. "You didn't have to do that, Joshua," Karlie says softly, knowing that the moment she takes the flowers from him his hand would nervously shoot up to his hair.
Josh only shrugs in response, clearly at a loss for words. Karlie takes the flowers from him and as expected the entrepreneur's hand is lost within his hair seconds later.
"Come on, I will get a vase. Taylor is in the kitchen," Karlie says, turning around and leading their way to the kitchen.
Karlie refuses to look in Taylor's direction once entering the kitchen holding a bouquet of flowers. This is the last thing Karlie wants Taylor to see.
"Taylor, meet Josh," Karlie says, looking away from the pair as she busies herself with searching for a vase. She can hear their awkward introductory exchanges as she finds a vase and walks over to her sink.
"Those are a nice surprise," Taylor says, sounding almost normal but only Karlie can pick up on the stiffness in her tone of voice. Karlie can only smile at her in response, hoping the smile is one of support and reassurance, one of comfort. She fills up the vase and puts the flowers inside.
An awkward silence settles over the three standing in the kitchen. After a moment, all at once the three begin to speak at the same time.
"Oh," Josh says, as the two girls hollowly laugh.
"Um.. I was just saying that me and Taylor just put some cookies in the oven. So we can all have some of those in a couple of minutes," Karlie says, doing her best to ease the tension in the room that Josh was totally unaware of. He was just being shy, while Karlie felt waves of stress roll off of Taylor.
"Actually, Karlie, I was just going to say that I should get going. I have a lot of unpacking to do still," Taylor replies.
"What, no!" Karlie exclaims, a little too loudly. She is met with a face of confusion from Josh and one of warning from Taylor. "Well, okay. You can stay if you want though," Karlie says, hoping Taylor knows just how much she wants her there.
"No, it is fine. Like I said, a lot of unpacking," Taylor replies. Karlie knows that more unpacking is the last thing Taylor wants to do today, that was why Karlie invited her over in the first place; to give the singer of a temporary reprieve for the night.
"Alright, well I will call you tonight," Karlie says, stepping forward as Taylor begins retreating to go.
"No, spend time with Josh," Taylor replies smiling, but this one even Josh would have been able to see sadness in if he had looked. "It was really nice meeting you, Josh. I am sure I will see you often," Taylor says, surprising Josh with a hug. Karlie couldn't believe Taylor was managing to do all this.
"It was nice meeting you too. I hope you get settled in soon," Josh replies.
Karlie walks down the stairs from her kitchen with Taylor, whispering, "I had no idea he was coming. You don't understand, he has never done things like this."
"It is okay, you should spend the night with your boyfriend," Taylor replies, not looking at Karlie, the word 'boyfriend' getting caught in her throat for a split second.
"Taylor.." Karlie says softly, now standing at the door with the singer. Finally, Taylor looks up at Karlie and her eyes are filled with tears. She quickly looks down again, realizing she has made a mistake. "No," Karlie says, gripping her in a tight hug, feeling pained herself just at the sight of Taylor.
Taylor squeezes the model back just as tight, but not for as long as she wants. She needs her embrace, but it just isn't an appropriate time to fully enjoy it. "Okay, I'm fine, really," Taylor whispers, pulling away despite Karlie's best efforts to keep her pressed against her. "Have a good night," Taylor says, doing her best to avoid Karlie's eyes. Taylor opens the door and walks out, but Karlie's hand keeps her back.
"I love you," Karlie says, before allowing Taylor to go. It is then that Taylor meets her eyes once more, and the welled up tears brimming over her eyelids overflow with a single tear. Taylor wipes away at her cheek just as quick as the tear fell.
Taylor's only response is a sad, watery smile that breaks Karlie's heart into a million pieces. She watches the singer turn around and retreat the awaiting Lincoln, bringing her back to her lonely apartment.
Should I stop her? Do I want to stop her? Does she want me to stop her? Karlie's thoughts fly furiously through her head, as she tries her best to make a split second decision. However, she isn't quick enough, and before she knows it her best friend has taken her place in the back seat and soon she is out of sight.
Karlie slams her front door shut, unsure how she is going to be able to spend the night with Josh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taylor is lying on her unfamiliar bed, inside of her lonely new bedroom, ashamed and confused at finding herself cry over the girl who is supposed to only be her best friend. Somehow the night she thought was going to be the best one she has had yet in New York City turned into her worst one.
I knew this was a bad idea from the start. I knew it would never work, it is my own stupid fault. Taylor thinks, as she replays her memory of Karlie delicately handling flowers her boyfriend had brought to her.
Taylor can only hope that she is able to sleep away her night, but is unfortunately sure that that toxic jealousy would be gnawing at her mind all night. She would be wondering what Josh and Karlie were doing each minute, for hours to come.
What am I going to do?