The other day we were talking and for the first time in a while, I told you about my problems... The unexplainable ones, the ones that I tend to ignore... I talked to you when I was crying... I never do that, or rarely... I don't even know what was wrong but I cried for half an hour, you kept talking and talking until the tears stopped coming, and we kept joking we talked till seven in the morning, it felt like the best thing that has ever happened to me, we talked about everything and nothing, you always replied fast and joked... I even sent to voice messages, you said that my voice is cute and always send me voice messages, I felt like screaming, I felt like I was on the moon, my heart was beating loudly, my sister commented on my silly smile. Till I slept I couldn't stop thinking about you, creating fake fantasies, getting my hopes high. When I woke up, I went through our texts, seeing the I love you and smiling until that grin dropped. The certain message of it's okay not to be okay.
And that got me thinking, for a long time, ever since I have heard this sentence, it never sat with me. The events of the past weeks flashed through my head, from the lack of sleep to skipping meals to overworking myself to study and still not achieving anything, and getting scolded by the teachers and my parents, having a fight with someone I considered a friend to events that would seem ridiculous to a sain person... But to me, it was causing a problem. I don't remember a good time I had before talking to you, even sometimes I forget about our good times, because... Because there aren't many. In general. I don't remember a time I had enjoyed myself truthfully, I remembered my friends' words, about my changing, and never having a good time. Only to realise, that I am rarely okay, I'm rarely not feeling awful or wanting to end it all. That sentence triggered me, made me angry, cause no, it's not okay for it to be okay to not be okay, not when I'm always feeling terrible, not when I'm always anxious or worried, no, it's not okay... At least not for me.
I know that you didn't mean any harm and has pure intentions but I guess... It's just me being dramatic or whatever... I'm sorry anyways.
Yours,
Me.