CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE.
ONE SINGLE THREAD OF hope was all she had left.
She was broken, shattered into a million little pieces as her recent memories clouded her mind and fought to overwhelm her ― and, much to her utter despair, they seemed to be succeeding. She was angry, fearful, anxious of everything and anything now that all had been revealed. . . although just why she felt like this, she did not know because she had always known that she would have to spout out the truth one day, no matter how much hurt it caused both her and Tommy. By doing it now, it saved them of the next few years that would be built on lies and misgiven trust. . . years that she wished, with every fibre of her being, she could have.
Felicity let out a guttural scream: one that ripped open her lungs and tore through her throat as though coated with a thousand daggers. She wanted to cry. She wanted to yell. She wanted to do everything and yet she couldn't ― not when it had been her to bring this upon themselves.
She didn't do any of that, however, mainly because she was too exhausted to even try. Instead, Felicity snatched up her coat and pulled it on, determined to get out and do something, anything, other than mope about her old flat. So that was what she did, grabbing her keys and locking the door behind her, unsure of just where she was going but knowing that she wouldn't care where she ended up, so long as she was far away from her dingy little room filled with memories.
The streets were half full, with their only inhabitants being the drunks spilling out from the pubs or from the alleyways, either stumbling their way home or trying to find somewhere to crash. . . never mind if it a road corner, another bar or their own bed. No one was there to bother Felicity as she paced Small Heath, making her way through the winding streets whilst dodging both the other companions and the puddles of grime that danced in the cracks of concrete. She walked for what felt like an age ― hours, even ― and refused to let herself stop, not until she had crossed the bridge into a completely different part of the city that came with an incredibly low chance of her running into any one of the Shelby clan, or even one of the Peaky Blinders' boys. She walked and she walked and she walked, forever with the hope that so long as she kept moving and had her eyes on the grey, grim sights in front of her, her thoughts would not be plagued by guilt and memory and a new, sudden loss of belonging.
"Oi, give us a smile, won't ya? You'll be a pretty girl with a pretty smile, I'll bet." Men would call as they passed her on the other side of the road, causing Felicity to bundle her fists up in her cardigan with the aim of disappearing inside of it completely, but they would never do anything more and instead left her in peace.
Eventually, she got too worn out to do much more, but it was only when she had turned around and stared sullenly back down the road that she had come from did she realise just how far away she was from home. Home. Was it really her home, that dirty little flat she had once been so eager to get away from, but now had been forced to reside in once more? No, for the past year she had thought of her home as the arms that she'd curl up in each night ― the arms that belonged to a man promising to protect her for all of eternity. Home wasn't her flat. Home wasn't the Woods household. Home was with the man she hadn't a chance with.
Felicity, figuring it shouldn't be too much of a rough night, came to the idiotic decision that she might be able to curl up at the door to an inn, as that seemed safer than finding a random bloody park or corner to reside in for the no―doubt restless night she was about to spend.
"What the fuck are you doing down there?"
Felicity startled at the sudden loud, booming voice. "Sleeping," she mumbled. "Or rather, I'm trying to."
Arthur's face came into view and she stared up at him, unsure of just why he was even within a metre of her when it had been her to fuck up his business, his family. "You've got a home, don't ya?"
"It's too far for me to get back to," she answered in a whisper.
"Nonsense," Arthur said decidedly, and before she could even begin to utter out an objection, he had wrapped his hand around her slim wrist and tugged her upwards so that she wobbled into a standing position, with as much uncertainty and distinct lack of balance as a new―born deer. She may as well have been, anyway ― she felt just as helpless as one, just as small and fragile.
"Why are you out here, anyway?" Felicity chose to make tentative small―talk as Arthur guided her back along the streets, his arm never far from hers in case she made a decision to either give in and simply lie in the darkness, or if she broke from him and rushed somewhere else in this industrial maze of a city. . . a city she had no hopes of navigating when all she had ever known was the nooks and crannies of Small Heath's sector. Hell, he might have even kept his arm their in case the girl fell into his embrace and it was all he could do to comfort her, to tell her everything would be just fine. Because he would do that, without hesitation.
"Needed a drink, and Harry 'ad locked up for the night," Arthur replied simply.
Felicity sensed that this wasn't completely true, but she didn't question it.
The pair managed to make it back to Watery Lane in barely any time at all, leading Felicity to wonder just how long she had really been walking for.
"I'll be going now," she muttered once they had turned the corner properly and faced the tunnel of terraced homes, and she offered him a small, shy smile as she turned towards hers.
Arthur was quick to stop her. "No, you won't," he said, steering her towards his own, the Shelby residence that she once felt was hers, too.
"Thomas said―"
"I know," the older man said. "But for once, Tommy doesn't know what he's doing."
"He won't―"
"I'll say how you can stay in the spare room before he kicks up a fuss," Arthur sighed and soon they were crossing the threshold, stepping into the house that was beginning to feel foreign, much to the overwhelming dismay of the girl.
Luckily enough, Tommy wasn't in the parlour when the pair entered, and that was why Arthur was able to lead her up the stairs and into the room at the end of the landing, the room that Felicity figured to be Ada's old room before she moved in with Freddie. The Shelby brother encouraged Felicity to get some rest, assured her that he'd ensure Tommy didn't fly off the handle, before quietly closing the door and leaving her to curl up on top of the blankets.
It was Tommy's yells that awoke her, just an hour later, and the girl sat up with a startled yelp and a heavy thud in her chest as her heart beat faster than before.
"You did fucking what?" He boomed to his brother, his voice ringing up the stairs easily.
"She'd have frozen," Arthur defended, evidently trying to keep his tone measured in comparison. "And she's in the spare room, which doesn't hurt anybody."
"She fucking―"
"I know, I know," his brother replied. "Talk about it another time, though, eh? Not now, not when she needs sleep, and so do you."
"She can't―"
"Yes, she can, Tommy," Arthur interrupted easily. He cleared his throat before continuing, his words somehow making their way upstairs and into the despairing ears of the blonde girl hiding in the corner. "Your heart hasn't turned to stone in a day, I know it hasn't. You can't stop loving someone in a day."
"I don't―"
"Let her fucking sleep, Tom. Let yourself sleep. Love won't let you do much else."
One single thread of hope was all she had left. A single golden strand of hopes and dreams and wishes about a future that she so longed for, so desperately missed.
AUTHOR'S NOTE!
i keep putting off writing this because it's making me cry. . . but also i want to finish this book so i guess have i have to update? ugh why am i the author, why can't someone else write this for me :/ the audacity
also yes this was effectively just a montage of felicity being depressed because i despise writing these chapters now that tommy is apparently anti―felicity 🙄 get back with your girl you pathetic little shit, stop being dramatic
anyway!!!! ― thank you so much for reading and for all of the support you're showing this book! i say this every chapter but i love you all loads <3