Katsumi sat up in her bed with wide eyes. Sweat was formed on her forehead and she took in short, deep breaths as she scanned the room.
After a few seconds to orient herself, Katsumi took in one deep breath before sighing, looking down at her hands.
She was alone in her room.
Once Katsumi had finished talked with Bakugo, he eventually had her leave to go rest since she was hurt and still tired. Katsumi almost protested his wishes but consented when she realized he needed to rest as well.
Katsumi lifted her right hand in the air, observing it.
The burn scars across her wrist were still there, but they didn't bother her as much as the quirk that lay dormant within her hands.
Katsumi felt overwhelmed at the sudden flood of memories of the events of the past week and her hand flew up to her mouth to keep her cries from becoming vocal.
Her chest was tight as she tried to suppress her emotions. She didn't want to cry. She couldn't. If she started, Katsumi was unsure whether or not she would ever be able to put herself back together again.
Not this time.
Tears misted her eyes and Katsumi squeezed them shut, holding her breath as she tried to force herself to hold in a sob.
Despite how badly, how desperately she wanted to scream and wail out her feelings at the top of her lungs without reserve, she couldn't. If her cries were heard by anyone, there would be someone knocking at the door to check on her to ask if she was okay.
But she wasn't. And she didn't want anyone asking.
Despite how she had her own room, Katsumi did not ever have complete privacy. Someone was always nearby. She couldn't release her emotions without caring. Without thinking of someone hearing and coming to make sure she was doing alright.
For the first time in a long time, Katsumi desperately craved to be completely and securely alone where no one could reach her.
At least then...then she could scream out into emptiness without worrying about anything else.
Katsumi curled in on herself, whimpering as she stifled her cries until they were back under control. Her body shook with the effort to hold it together, but after a few minutes, the thin hold over her heart and mind returned, and she was able to open her eyes again.
Taking in a deep breath, Katsumi drug her body out of bed, feeling hollow inside as she got ready for class. Her feet took her over to her desk, where her fingers found the bracelets Bakugo had got her for her birthday.
She gazed at the bracelets, tracing over the charms.
Even her birthday, that special, happiest day of her life, seemed so far away now. Almost too far away.
Her lips twitched down into a frown as she left the bracelets on her desk. Knowing what those charms symbolized, Katsumi couldn't bear to put those heavy shackles across her wrists at the moment.
She paused at the door, taking in another deep breath before releasing it.
Today was the first day back in class after everything happened. She knew her friends were going to be questioning her, asking her if she was okay or what happened, and more. Katsumi knew Midoriya would feel guilty for what happened, much like Bakugo did.
Katsumi didn't know if she had the heart to fully convince someone else that it wasn't their fault without fully explaining why it was hers.
She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to say it out loud.
Steeling herself over and resolving to make it through the day despite the questions that could be asked, Katsumi opened the door, her jaw clenched as she began to walk towards the all too familiar classroom.
She didn't make it very far.
"Katsumi?!"
The redhead's familiar voice nearly made Katsumi wince as she stopped, turning around the best she could with her one good leg. Kirishima's mouth was open in shock, his eyes wide as he took in her figure.
"Katsumi!"
Katsumi didn't have time to tell him not to hug her too tightly: Kirishima brought her into a crushingly tight hug, his head buried into her shoulder.
"Oh thank God," he whispered. "We were so scared. None of us, none of us knew what happened. We just knew you were injured. Bakugo...Bakugo wouldn't say a word to us. I had no idea what happened to you."
Katsumi wrapped one arm around Kirishima, her other firmly holding her crutch. "It's okay, Kirishima. I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about anymore."
Even Katsumi was surprised with how dead her tone sounded as she said the words that had meant to be encouraging. Kirishima pulled away from Katsumi, shocked as he searched her eyes.
"You're lying, Katsumi."
She forced a smile to her face. "I'm serious, Kirishima. Everything is fine. I'm just tired. I'm still recovering."
A frown came to Kirishima's face. He obviously didn't believe her, but Katsumi was grateful that he nodded his head, not prying. Kirishima could obviously tell this was a subject Katsumi was not going to talk about.
"Come on," Katsumi turned. "I don't want to be late to class. I'm moving slow enough as is."
Katsumi gestured to her injured leg and Kirishima gave her a half-smile. "I could always carry you if you want."
"No," Katsumi shook her head. "I think I'm fine walking."
Kirishima did good to fill the time it took them to walk with easy and lighthearted conversation. She could tell he was worried about her, but she was thankful he wasn't prying. It made continuing to bottle her turmoil a little bit easier.
By the time they got to class, Katsumi was out of breath and her leg was aching. But, fortunately or unfortunately for her, Katsumi was good at concealing physical pain, so Kirishima never noticed the fatigue in his companion.
Kirishima let Katsumi walk in first, and Katsumi wanted to hide as soon as she stepped in the room. She felt everyone's eyes on her.
She barely had time to look up from the ground when two arms were flung around her shoulders.
"Katsumi!"
Midoriya's voice rang in her ears and she winced at his grip, but put one arm around him. His body was shaking and Katsumi could tell he was close to tears.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything. I led you to them, Katsumi. I...I-"
"It's okay, Midoriya," Katsumi reassured, holding him a little closer. "It wasn't your fault. You did everything you could. You did nothing wrong. In fact, if it hadn't been for you and Aizawa taking out the villain who warped us, things would have been worse. So thank you."
A negative thought nudged Katsumi's mind. Maybe...if that villain had succeeded in taking just her...things would've been better.
Midoriya pulled away, his green eyes wide with sorrow and doubt as he looked at her. Katsumi forced yet another smile to her face.
"See? Everything's fine. We're all fine. It doesn't matter now."
A frown came to Midoriya's face, but he didn't get to say anything as Mina and Momo brought Katsumi into a hug.
"We were so worried!" Momo gasped.
"None of us knew what was going on," Mina looked at her best friend with teary eyes. "We thought something horrible happened."
It did.
Katsumi smiled. "It's okay. It was just...a villain. I guess that's how it'd be classified."
Todoroki, Kaminari, Sero, and Kyoka all came around Katsumi, double checking on how she was doing and what had happened.
Katsumi had been smart enough to continue her trend of wearing long sleeves: she was wearing a long-sleeved turtleneck.
She wanted no one to ask questions about her scars or the bruising on her neck. Especially since Bakugo would be here today.
Her eyes travelled to his seat, and she caught his eyes. She saw uncertainty flash in his eyes for a moment, and he averted his gaze with a frown.
The action made her heart tighten; a lump formed in her throat that she forcibly swallowed before she looked back at everyone, reassuring them once more that she was okay.
Katsumi was finally able to break away from the group and make her way to her seat. She passed by Bakugo silently, unsure of what to say to him.
She sat down with a relieved sigh, glad to be off of her leg so it could rest.
"You..." Bakugo spoke softly, and Katsumi nearly missed his words as he glanced back at her. She met his eyes and she could see some guilt that still resided there. "You're acting different."
Katsumi didn't expect all of the guilt he felt to go away in one day, and she was happy to see he was still trying to interact normally with her because of the reassurance of yesterday's conversation. But even still, she didn't think he would be so observant through all his grief.
"I'm being myself," Katsumi offered. "I'm just tired."
Bakugo's eyes narrowed. "No you aren't. You can't fool me, Katsumi. It may be similar to how you usually are, but it's different. You're not acting like yourself."
Katsumi clenched her jaw as her mind roared in protest. The things she wished she could say, or scream out, raged within her mind and flowed down through to her heart, where its pace quickened.
She wasn't herself. Katsumi knew it just as well as he did. But she couldn't say it. She couldn't speak those words into existence. It would acknowledge something she'd been trying to bury ever since she woke up in the hospital after the fight.
"I'm fine, Katsuki."
A frown came to his lips, and Katsumi noticed the anger in his eyes at her very obvious and blatant lie to him.
Before Bakugo could say anything else, Aizawa walked into the room, and everyone became quiet.
Aizawa looked over at Katsumi for a moment, wordlessly assessing her, and she noticed the small frown on his lips.
Katsumi looked away from him, focusing down on her hands, her shoulders slumped.
Everyone was so worried about her, and they didn't even know the real reason why. They didn't know why they SHOULD worry. Everyone thought it was because of her injuries, or because she was taken by her parents...but that wasn't it.
Katsumi bit her lip and clenched her fists.
There was another reason they should worry. It was the reason Bakugo knew she wasn't okay. It was why Aizawa assessed her the way he did.
They knew. They knew deep down that there was something inescapable about Katsumi's reality. Something none of them, including Katsumi herself, wanted to voice out loud. Because once it was out in the open...
Everything would change.
"A week from now we'll be training with Class B. You'll be paired off in groups to do training exercises and be pitted in fights against each other. Until then, we'll be training hard and continuing our usual studies."
Katsumi only half-heard what Aizawa had announced.
Her brain wasn't focused in on what was being said at the moment. In fact, part of her mind retreated within itself as a form of self-preservation. The part that protected Katsumi's soul from talking about the real issues; the part that created a false facade that didn't want to be broken.
As Aizawa talked, he could see the change in Katsumi's posture and her facial expressions. He saw her shutting down and hiding herself away.
And it absolutely broke his heart.
When class ended, Aizawa walked over to Katsumi, hoping somehow he could get her to talk.
"Katsumi, you won't be able to participate in any of the physical exercises this week. You most likely won't be able to participate in the training with Class B either. Are you going to be okay with that?"
Katsumi gave him a half-smile, one he instantly recognized as fake, and nodded to him. "Yes sir, I'll be fine."
Aizawa frowned. That wasn't what he had asked. Aizawa recognized the defensive mode Katsumi was in and let out a sigh. This wasn't something she would snap out of in a day. He recognized it because of how similar it was to when she was first rescued from her parents.
The reclusive child in front of him what a ghostly replica of the broken child he saved nearly a year ago.
And once again, she needed someone to help save herself. Last time it had been All Might and Aizawa with the aide of Bakugo and Kirishima. People who had been there to teach her about life and what it truly meant to be happy. People who helped Katsumi recognize her quirk as a blessing instead of a curse.
But this time...
Aizawa didn't know what or who would be enough to break through the wall Katsumi had just forced up.
The whole day, Katsumi went through in a trance. She didn't remember lunch, or the afternoon classes, or even how she got back to her room. The only thing she remembered was falling asleep early.
She was in such a deep sleep that she didn't hear Bakugo coming in to check on her. She didn't hear the scared words he whispered to her as she slept, and she didn't hear his quiet plea that she would be okay.
The next few days were quite similar to the first one. Katsumi was engaging just enough to get by, but anytime anyone tried to ask about what happened, she would immediately smile and say "It's fine," or "It doesn't matter now. Everything's okay."
Aizawa couldn't get through to her. All Might couldn't get through to her. Bakugo couldn't get through to her.
None of her friends had even come close to denting the barricade Katsumi had placed around her heart and mind. The wall Katsumi had placed was too thick for anyone to get through by normal means.
On day five of Katsumi living as if she were someone else, Bakugo had had enough.
Katsumi was slowly making her way to the cafeteria for lunch, her gaze focused downwards as she was lost in her mind yet again. It was almost as if her defense mechanism had trapped her in her own mind and she didn't know how to properly get herself out of it again.
A hand grabbed her shoulder and she blinked a few times, looking over to see Bakugo giving her a harsh glare.
Part of her was happy he was no longer afraid of even touching her. Time was starting to heal that. Every day when she looked at him, there was less and less fear and guilt that flashed in his expressions.
Another side of her was cautious as to why he had suddenly stopped her.
"What is it, Katsuki?" Katsumi asked. "We'll be late for lunch."
"We need to talk."
"We can do that at the lunch table," Katsumi feigned ignorance, trying to take another step forward. "We can talk all you want there."
Bakugo stopped her again. This time Katsumi gave him an annoyed glance.
"We're not talking in front of anyone. Because obviously you won't say what you really mean if there are people around."
"Katsuki, there's nothing to talk about."
"Like hell there is!" Bakugo seethed. He picked Katsumi up, startling her as he put her over his shoulder. He grabbed her crutch to make sure it didn't fall, and he began marching away from the cafeteria.
"Put me down!" Katsumi protested. "Katsuki, I'm serious. Let me go!"
"No," Bakugo huffed. "You think you can hide away everything you're feeling after reassuring everyone else who was part of that ordeal? That you can act as if you're not the one hurting the most out of all of us?"
"I've been telling you, I'm fine!" Katsumi was irritated now. "I don't know why you think there's something more than that."
"Because it's so obvious that there is!" Bakugo snapped back. "None of us are stupid enough to believe you're fine. You're the only one convincing yourself of that and its not working. You're becoming someone else completely and I'm sick of standing by and watching you self-destruct!"
Katsumi glared at Bakugo, looking around her. They were out of the school by now, walking to the dorms.
"Where are we going?"
"Somewhere you can talk without worrying about prying eyes."
"I don't care-"
"Of course you do," Bakugo interrupted. "Don't try to act like I don't know you, Katsumi. If anything, I would know how deeply you value privacy. You always have."
Katsumi got quiet, unable to lie about his statement.
She stayed quiet the rest of the way until Bakugo got to her room, where he opened up the door and shut it behind him, locking it. After flipping on the lights, Bakugo put Katsumi down on the bed and handed her the crutch.
She gave him a small glare, wordlessly taking the crutch back.
Now that it was the two of them, a small awkwardness seemed to fill the tension in the air.
"Now what?" Katsumi droned.
Bakugo frowned, crossing his arms as he leaned against the wall. "Now you talk."
Katsumi let out a dry laugh. "Talk? About what, exactly? What exactly am I supposed to say?"
"What you've been battling since the fight."
Katsumi's lips turned down in a frown. "There's nothing to talk about."
"Come on, Katsumi," Bakugo's voice was desperate. "How can you barge into my room and help me when I was so damn low, reassuring me and listening to me, and then not expect me to do the same?!"
Katsumi's lips pressed into a thin line and she clenched her jaw, but Bakugo didn't stop there. He strode over to her, his eyes frantically looking down at hers. The facade he had kept up for a week had finally broken as well.
"I can't sit here and see you do this to yourself! Let me help you! Let me listen to you again like I always have. Please, stop hiding away everything you're feeling. It's changing who you are and its killing you. It's killing me."
"It's not that simple." Katsumi's words were faint and strained. Her lip wobbled once before she sucked in a breath.
"This isn't something that can be solved just because I talk about it," she whispered. "It's not one of those things that can be fixed by anyone listening to me."
"You have to start somewhere," Bakugo pleaded. "And you keep avoiding the truth. You have been since the day we talked."
"And what truth is that?"
Katsumi knew. She just didn't want to admit it. But Bakugo wasn't afraid the same way she was. The fears they had were completely different.
"You just don't want to say it," Bakugo pinpointed. "You don't want to talk about it because it hurts."
"I don't want to talk about it because I can't," Katsumi corrected. "I can't. If I do...if I do then..."
Katsumi stopped herself, breaking eye contact with Bakugo. She took in a deep breath and looked down at her hands. She could feel it.
The small crack in the wall she had built. Even if one block was missing, the entire thing was bound to collapse. And now, because of Bakugo, there was a crack that began to spread across the wall.
She hated it. She wanted it to be whole again.
"You're scared," Bakugo called her out. "You're scared that talking about it is going to change something."
Katsumi gave him a glare. "Of course it'll change!"
"No it won't!" Bakugo snapped back. "You really think that we're going to stop caring about you and fighting for you just because of one bad incident?! You actually believe that we're going to stop supporting you?"
Katsumi's jaw was clenched so tight it was hurting her teeth. The two were glaring at each other, but once again, Bakugo didn't stop there.
"How could you possibly think that I would ever stop caring?! You're the one who helped me, Katsumi. You were there to help me believe that I wasn't a monster for hurting you. That it wasn't my fault. Why would you think it isn't the other way around too?!"
"Because you aren't the monster here, Katsuki!" Katsumi got to her feet, ignoring the pain in her broken leg, and glared up at a very shocked Bakugo.
She pushed a finger into his chest. "You aren't a monster. You never have been! It wasn't your fault but it was mine!"
Katsumi pointed to herself. "I'm the monster, Katsuki. It was my fault that you were dragged into this mess. It was my fault my parents were able to control you and it was my fault for losing control."
Bakugo blinked a few times, trying to recover from her outburst. He had seen her mad before, but never like this. This was a new type of rage he had never seen Katsumi have, because it wasn't directed at anyone other than herself.
"Is that what it is? Is that why you're so afraid?" He murmured. "You think you're a monster?"
Katsumi shouldered past Bakugo to give herself space, hissing in pain with every step she took, but refusing to let her broken leg hinder her.
"I don't think," she spat. "I know."
"You aren't a monster," Bakugo hesitantly replied. "None of us think that. Nobody does. Why are you so afraid that's what we see you as?"
Katsumi turned on her good leg so she could face Bakugo.
"Because that's what you all see me as! I saw! I saw the look on all of your faces when I went to fight my parents. I saw the fear in your eyes when you saw me use my quirk to the fullest. None of you were proud of me in that moment, you were terrified of me. And I completely lost it! I had absolutely no control over that stupid quirk! That cursed quirk that everyone had the gall to make me believe was something good!"
Katsumi picked up one of the books on her desk and turned around, throwing it against the wall.
"Because of that quirk, everyone fears me now. You don't think I didn't see it?! Aizawa was horrified of what I was doing in that moment! Midoriya was scared out of his mind and had no idea what to do. And you-"
Katsumi took a breath as she pointed at Bakugo, who was shell-shocked at her outrage. "You looked at me as if I were someone you didn't know. The fear you had in your eyes seeing me fight was because you had no idea who I was in that moment!"
Katsumi staggered back to her desk, leaning on it for support. She grabs a piece of paper from the desk, holding it up for Bakugo to see.
"What was it all for then, Katsuki? Huh? What were all these notes, and hours spent studying my quirk, and all the time I dedicated to learning how to use it properly and control it, what was it all for? Because it was out the window in a moment. None of it actually mattered. It was all useless!"
Katsumi ripped the paper in half, and then again, and again, until tiny shreds of paper fell to the floor.
"K-Katsumi,-" Bakugo reached out a hand, but the dark glare he got from Katsumi made him pause.
"I don't even know who I am, Katsuki!" Katsumi shouted. "I was everything they told me I was. And you know what?! I wanted to be. In that moment, I wanted to be everything they feared about me. I relished in seeing the fear and panic on their faces. I enjoyed it. I completely lost myself and I don't know how to get it back. My entire existence is cursed. They were right. They were right to call me everything that they did. Because in the end I did nothing to prove them wrong and everything to prove them right!"
"That's not true, Katsumi." Bakugo was having a hard time trying to find a way to reason with Katsumi's rage and hatred at the moment.
"Yes it is!" Katsumi screamed, tears brimming the bottom of her eyes. "You're all afraid of me and who I was. Stop acting like you weren't! I could tell and it hurts even more when people act as if I'm not the problem here."
"I'm not afraid of you." Bakugo reassured and Katsumi narrowed her eyes.
"Not afraid? Then tell me, Katsuki, why exactly did you yell at me not to kill my father, huh? Was it because you really wanted justice to happen to him, or was it because you were afraid that I was really going to kill him?"
Bakugo's eyes grew wide, his mouth open as he was rendered speechless. A smile came to Katsumi's face.
"I knew it. You were so afraid of me in that moment that you actually believed I would've killed him. And you know what? I was going to. I wanted to."
Her lips began to wobble as a tear started to fall down her cheek. "I am a monster. You knew that, too, in that moment. You saw what I was capable of and what I would've done and that scared you."
"No," Bakugo tried to recover. "I was scared of what that action would do to you. I thought it would hurt you more to know you killed him after you snapped out of that state. I didn't want that for you."
Katsumi didn't seem to hear Bakugo's words all the way through. She shook her head, turning back to her desk.
"Dabi was right, all those months ago in the mall," she muttered. "My quirk...my past...who I am...it would make me the perfect villain. And after what I did? How could I call myself a hero?"
"Katsumi you can't be serious!"
"I am!" She shouted over Bakugo. "I can't control my quirk. I can't control my emotions. It's obvious to see that given the chance I would go completely berserk and kill people!!! Its no different than what those scientists did to me. I willingly went to test out my quirk and kill my parents. My mother was right to call me an abomination! I am one!! No one should ever be born with this type of quirk!!"
"You're not a villain, Katsumi!"
"Then why is everyone so afraid of me?!"
Bakugo paused, looking at the tears that began to spill from Katsumi's eyes. He had seen her in a similar type of pain before, but not to this extent.
"Why does everyone hate my quirk so much?! Why is it so feared?! Why does every villain seem to want it, then? I was scary to you, to everyone I love. A hero doesn't do that! A hero is supposed to bring joy and happiness, comfort and relief, and make people feel safe. I don't do that! My quirk does the exact opposite. My quirk is dangerous, Katsuki. It's dangerous and all it seems to do is hurt others and me. I'm sick of it! I'm sick of pretending it can be something good when all I can seem to do with this forsaken quirk is hurt people!"
Katsumi grabbed all the books that were on her desk that were related to her quirk. Everything that she had been studying, been contemplating, and practicing...she wanted to throw it all away.
"I hate it!" She screamed. "I hate it all!! None of it even mattered because I was exactly what they told me I was. I became everything I hated and more! I don't even know who I am or who I'm supposed to be anymore!"
Katsumi threw the books all over her room, and Bakugo, sensing the destructive path she was about to go down, ran across the room in order to prevent it. Katsumi stumbled on her broken leg, but went to grab one of the fallen books regardless.
"Katsumi, you need to calm down!"
He grabbed her arms, trying to hold her still as her eyes fixed on the books on the floor, and she began flailing around in his grip.
"Let me go!!"
Bakugo struggled to keep his grip on her, and a pang in his heart kept him from holding her too tightly for fear her may hurt her.
With a certain amount of force, he began dragging Katsumi back towards the bed, listening to her scream and protest the entire time.
"Katsuki I said let me go!"
"No." He muttered, forcing Katsumi to sit on the bed. He kept his grip on her arms as she struggled against him, desperately trying to get free.
"You need to focus, Katsumi," Bakugo tried to keep his own panic out of his voice. "Relax. Just take some deep breaths."
Katsumi pushed against him for a few more minutes, the tears starting to blur her vision as her rage began to subside.
"It's not fair," she cried. "I can't take this anymore. It's not right. I hate it. I hate it all."
Her head finally fell forward and hit Bakugo's chest. She began to violently sob, her hands grabbing the front of Bakugo's shirt as support.
Bakugo, realizing she was done physically fighting him, let out a sigh, letting go of her arms before wrapping his around her to hold her close to him.
The sobs that racked Katsumi's body were hard and full of anguish. It shook both her and Bakugo's body because of the force.
"I hate myself," Katsumi cried. "I hate myself so much. I'm exactly what they said I was."
Bakugo opened his mouth to scold her for what she had said, but as she continued to cry, wailing into his arms, Bakugo closed his mouth with a frown.
Katsumi continued to cry without regard, her self-hatred spilling over to the fullest extent. Bakugo continued to hold her, his mind reeling with everything she had said.
He wanted to comfort her. He wanted to console her. He wanted the words that would convince her that she was wrong for the way she was thinking at the moment.
But as he listened to Katsumi cry, the dreaded knowledge of knowing she couldn't be consoled at this time burdened his heart. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, he could say to her that would make her believe him.
Not now.
Because of that realization, Bakugo tightened his grip on Katsumi, holding her as close to him as he could, and gritted his teeth together to keep himself from saying anything at all.
And he just let her cry.
Oof this chapter was so hard to write. Did I cry while writing it? Yes, yes I did. This was sad. But, it's a super long chapter and a very crucial one for Katsumi. Has anything been resolved? No, not at all. But I hope everyone looks forward to the future chapters of this book!! Let me know what you thought of this chapter.