i just finished my first week out of four of this summer semester and my brain is already fried😭
anyways there's a question at the end of this chapter that i would greatly appreciate yall answering☺️
happy readings and stay safe besties! -salem🤍
TW: minimal swearing, mentions of suicide, mentions of violence, nightmares, trauma talk
word count: 3737
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JJ: "When people speak, listen carefully and pay particular attention to what they are not saying." Wayne Gerard Trotmam.
"Carrie!" Emily yelled as she walked out of her bedroom. "You ready to go?"
She looked over at the door and didn't hear anything. Emily knocked on the door, but it slowly opened.
"Carrie?" Emily asked again and opened the door slowly. The teenager laid there on the floor. There was a pool of blood that surrounded her. Her wrist had deep cuts into them. Emily's eyes widened. A note was right next to her. In big words, it said: 'I'm sorry.' Emily immediately took the teenager into her arms. "Carrie!"
"Carrie!"
Emily shot up, now wide awake. The raven-haired woman was trying to catch her breath when she noticed where she was. She was in the jet. Specifically with all of her team members in it. They all looked over at her with such concern. All of them had never seen Emily have a nightmare before.
"Emily? You okay?" JJ said as she hovered over Emily. JJ's hands were gently placed on her shoulders. She was sweating from the dream. It felt a little too real for Emily's liking. The raven-haired woman was mumbling in her sleep and moving around, which sparked concern from everyone, especially for JJ. Emily looked around at her team members.
"Carrie? Where's Carrie?" Emily asked as she placed her hands on JJ's. The blonde woman's eyes widened as Emily tried to get up.
"Hey. Hey. Okay. Take it easy, Em. Carrie is at home, remember? Did you want to call her?" JJ asked and furrowed her eyebrows. "We're already on our way home. We'd land in about an hour."
"Yeah. Let me call her," Emily said and stood up. All of her team member's eyes were on her. She walked towards the back of the jet and grabbed her phone.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Carrie looked over at the phone and saw it was Emily. The teenager answered the phone as Sergio jumped on her lap.
"Hello?" Carrie said as she placed her notebook beside her. Since she had moved, Emily had convinced the high school Carrie attended to let her finish this semester online. The school, obviously, was more than understanding and cooperated with Emily fully. So, that meant for Carrie that she was lying around most of the day after she'd finish her assignments. It was much easier for her to go her own pace at home rather than at school stuck to a desk all day.
"Hey. You okay?" Emily asked softly. Carrie furrowed her eyebrows.
"Yeah, I'm fine. You said you were on your way home, right?" Carrie asked and looked towards the clock. It was about five o'clock in the evening.
"Yeah. I just had a nasty nightmare. I needed to see if you were okay," Emily said and ran a hand through her hair. JJ observed her. She hated to see Emily so stressed over something as little as a dream. Emily was like a statue most of the time around the team. It was unusual for her to get squirmish suddenly.
"I'm fine, Emily. There's no need to worry. Sergio has been keeping me company," Carrie said and smiled as she gently petted the cat. "And Clara. She came by, and the two of us had lunch together at around twelve-thirty before she went back to the office."
"Okay, great. Remind me to thank her for checking up on you so often. So are you hungry now? I can pick some food up from that place you like down the street? New Dynasty?" Emily asked as she opened the fridge and got herself a water.
She was fine, Emily. Just your imagination running wild.
Emily thanked God that Clara was taking some time off from her overseas travel to help her out with Carrie. Clara was Emily's best friend since college, so when she had told Clara about Carrie, she was more than happy to help. Clara loved kids from afar. She never wanted any of her own but got her dose of love from Emily now that she was a mom. Well, a mom in the making.
"Yeah. Sure. Thanks, Emily," Carrie said and giggled as Sergio rolled onto her lap. "Sergio misses you already. I guess that makes the two of us. Just hurry home."
"Well, I miss the two of you too. I'll be home in about another hour," Emily said and hung up the phone. She took one sip of her water when the entire team turned back around. "What?"
"You ready to talk?" Derek asked and tilted his head.
"About?" Emily asked and crossed her arms. JJ sat down on the couch and patted the spot next to her. Emily swallowed her pride and went to sit down next to her. She gently ran one of her hands over Emily's back. The raven-haired woman was trying so hard not to blush at the gesture.
"You don't look like you've been sleeping. And the nightmare just sealed the deal. So, talk to us. What's going on?" Rossi asked as he got comfortable in his chair.
"I keep having a dream that Carrie killed herself. And by the time I find her, she's already gone," Emily said and pursed her lips. "It's just a stupid dream."
"No, it's not. I read an article where it discusses the correlation between dreams and death. The dream analyzer said that if a parent dreams of their child dying, it's to signify an end of a phase in their life. Typically it's revolved around big milestones in childhood, such as walking or starting to feed themselves. But it's a way for the parents to grieve that time is moving so fast now that they have a child. And in your perspective, it's a direct reflection of your fears of parenthood. Carrie was forced to close a chapter in her life and now look to you as her legal guardian and parent. It's perfectly understandable that you're afraid of what Carrie might do. She's a teenager in a new city after her parents and younger brother were killed. And you're terrified to leave her alone with her thoughts and ideas," Spencer said as he crossed one foot over the other. "You're just concerned for her well-being both consciously and subconsciously. That's why you're dreaming terrible things happening to her. You're the concerned parent."
Emily scoffed as she sat back in her seat. She ran her hands down her face. "What the hell am I doing? I mean, really? What was I thinking trying to raise a teenager with emotional damage when I'm not there with her? She just lost her parents, and now, theoretically, she's losing another one since I'm constantly on the go."
"You were doing what was best. There is no way Carrie would have made it in a foster home. You taking her in, as difficult of a decision that was, ultimately is going to be good for her," Aaron said and shrugged his shoulders. "She just has to get used to it. The both of you do. It's tough being a parent, let alone to a teenager."
"What if I'm a bad parent to her?" Emily asked as her eyes found the floor. It was suddenly the most exciting thing in the world if that meant avoiding concerning stares.
"And that's where I step in because that's not true, Em," JJ said and ducked her head down to be eye level with Emily. Her hand slipped right onto her knee. "She adores you already. You are doing an amazing job with Carrie. Give yourself a break, Em. It's only been a week since you've had her. It's all about baby steps with this kind of situation. You know this."
"You think so?" Emily asked as her eyes softened. She finally looked at JJ. The blonde woman smiled slightly at her as she subconsciously rubbed her knee.
"We know so," Rossi said and leaned over, patting Emily's leg. "I'll get you some of those parenting one o one books. Maybe it'll help."
"Hey, maybe I'll get you one too," Emily said and reached over, patting Rossi's leg. The team all busted out laughing as Rossi squinted his eyes at the woman.
JJ just smiled over at Emily. She realized her hand was still on the woman's knee and pulled back. The blonde woman didn't want to overstep boundaries with Emily. JJ found comfort in Emily. It was the kind of comfort she was supposed to get from Will. JJ couldn't describe it. But one thing she knew, Emily needed physical affection to comfort her, and JJ was more than willing to be the one to give that to her.
They had finally touched down back in DC. The team made their separate ways home. Emily ran to New Dynasty before heading home.
"Carrie!" Emily yelled as she walked into the apartment. The only thing she was greeted by was Sergio, who was apparently excited to see her. Emily was getting a little worried, that was until she heard the footsteps coming down the stairs.
"Welcome home," Carrie said and walked up to Emily. She embraced the woman in a tight side hug. Emily furrowed her eyebrows. Carrie wasn't physically affectionate with Emily unless it was bad. She had been gone for five days, so maybe it was too long for Carrie. The two happily ate their dinner as they watched the sunset in DC. It was always very different to see the sunset in DC compared to Denver. Carrie was just trying her best to adjust to the new life she was living. It was nice that she got a little bit more freedom. At sixteen, that's all Carrie wanted. It was basically like living alone now that she was living with Emily. There were ups and downs to that situation. But, it did get lonely at times.
Emily and Carrie caught each other up on what they had been doing throughout the week. They had an idea, but it was still nice to talk about. Emily, of course, didn't go too much into details. The wounds for Carrie were still very much fresh, so the raven-haired woman just sat back and listened as Carrie rambled on about her online school work.
That's another thing to do on Emily's part. She needed to get Carrie enrolled in a nearby high school. Now that was another hurdle for Emily to overcome tomorrow. Also, to make sure her adoption papers were in line to really seal the deal. Carrie was more than happy to help Emily with the process. The last thing she wanted was for some social worker to come knocking on the door and take her away from Emily.
"Goodnight, Emily," Carrie said as she made her way up the stairs and into her room. The room was gaining some characteristics of a teenager. Specifically, she got posters of various bands and celebrities that she liked. Emily poked fun at the Robert Pattison poster Carrie had hanging now right next to her bed. She was still working on painting the walls a color more for her and getting a desk for her room.
The teenager laid back into bed and drifted off to sleep. It was almost immediate that she started dreaming.
"Excuse me. We're looking for gracious donators in the neighborhood to help with funding for my nephew's little league game. Are you interested?" Gary asked as he wore a smug smile. He knew exactly what was going to happen.
"We'd appreciate it," Ervin said and kept his eyes down to the floor.
"Or, if you can't, I guess we can work out a deal," Gary said and hit Carrie's father over the head to get inside. The teenager watched in shock as Gary made his way to her. Carrie took off running. She was about to make it to the stairs when he grabbed her and pulled her down.
"Help me! Help me!" Carrie shouted as she shot out of bed. Emily came running into her room with her gun drawn.
"Carrie! Carrie! It's me. It's Emily. You're okay. You're okay," Emily said as she put her hands up. She stuffed the gun behind her back. Emily hadn't even changed out of her work clothes yet when Emily heard Carrie yell. She ran up to the teenager and held her as she wept. "I got you. You're okay. You're okay."
"Emily," Carrie said through her sobs. Carrie wrapped her arms tightly around Emily.
"I'm right here. I got you," Emily said as she rubbed Carrie's back. The teenager never wanted to let her go. Emily just tried to look down at her, but Carrie only buried her face further into her neck. "Okay. Let's go downstairs, and I'll put on some coffee for us. Does that sound good?"
"I'm sorry," Carrie said softly. Emily furrowed her eyebrows.
"What are you sorry for?" Emily asked as Carrie finally pulled away from her. The teenager didn't even look at Emily. She was too ashamed to.
"For making you stay up. You just got home, and I know you're probably tired," Carrie said as she just let her tears fall freely down her face. Emily's face softened.
"Oh, Carrie. If you need me, I'm here. There are no exceptions," Emily said as she gently lifted the girl's face to get her to look at her. "Come on. I can make you hot chocolate instead of you don't want coffee?"
"I'm okay. You can just go back to bed," Carrie said and hugged her legs. The raven-haired woman just stood up and held out her hand.
"You do realize who you're talking to, right? You can't lie to a profiler," Emily said and wiggled her fingers out for Carrie. The teenager just pursed her lips and grabbed onto her hand. Both of them headed down to the living room. Carrie sat at the isle in the kitchen as she watched Emily start the coffee pot.
"I'll just take coffee, Emily," Carrie said as Emily was about to start up a mug of milk for the hot chocolate. Emily squinted her eyes as she looked over at Carrie but ultimately listened to the teenager. She grabbed two mugs and slid one over to Carrie.
"Alright. Tell me what's going on," Emily said and poured the teenager only a tiny bit of coffee. Too much, and she was afraid Carrie would be up all night. "Or better yet, tell me what you're thinking."
"So you're not like a mind reader?" Carrie said jokingly. Emily grabbed the creamer from the fridge and rolled her eyes.
"Haha, very funny," Emily said and handed the creamer over. "Even if I were, I wouldn't reveal my secrets. Come on, Carrie, it's not good to keep all of this bottled up. It'll cause you to snap if you do."
"I don't know," Carrie said as she took a sip of her coffee. "I just feel—like a burden. I don't know how else to describe it."
"Well, you're not. Especially not with me," Emily said and took only a small sip of her coffee. She didn't want to be up at all hours with work tomorrow morning as well.
"It just feels like everything and nothing is happening at the same time. And there are just some days where I feel great. But then I'm back to feeling like I could have prevented this from happening," Carrie said softly as she kept her eyes down at the coffee mug in front of her. "You're the expert on behavior and psychology. What do you think it is?"
"Well, unfortunately, I do know what's happening," Emily said and smiled softly as she reached her hand over and gently placed it on top of Carrie's. "It's called trauma. Something awful happened to you, Carrie. But we're creatures of habit. We don't like when the cycle of something is broken. It was a big jump coming from Colorado to DC. One, maybe you weren't ready for—"
"I don't want to go back if that's what you're suggesting. Apart from my parents, it feels like you and your team are the only ones who actually care about me. The last thing I want to do is to go back, Emily," Carrie said as tears filled her eyes. Emily held her hands up as she slowly made her way to the teenager.
"Oh, Carrie, I wasn't suggesting that. But what I am suggesting is that you talk to someone who's not me, or Clara, or even Sergio," Emily said as she embraced Carrie. The teenager held onto Emily for dear life as she cried softly. Just the idea of being away from Emily now terrified Carrie more than words could describe. It was already bad enough she would rarely see Emily throughout the week. "I know a great therapist that can help. She works for the bureau, and I think she's great. I can take you to her tomorrow. Along with that tour of the BAU."
"Really?" Carrie asked as she pulled away from Emily, just enough to look at the woman. Emily nodded her head as she wiped the teenager's tears away. That small gesture only produced more tears.
"Please promise me one thing before we go," Emily said as she continued to wipe away Carrie's tears. The teenager nodded her head. "No holding anything back with Doctor Lewis. Bottled-up emotions become explosive."
"Bottled-up emotions become explosive," Carrie repeated and held up her pinky finger. It was a habit that Carrie slipped back into now that she was doing school again. Emily smiled slightly as she locked her pinky with Carrie's. "Promise."
"Good, now go get to bed. It's late," Emily said and patted the girl's arm. Carrie and Emily didn't say another word as they walked up the stairs. Carrie didn't hesitate to go with Emily into her room. She knew being in the room with Emily was the only way she'd get sleep. Emily had noticed a slight dip in her bed. Carrie was sleeping here when Emily was gone. It broke and healed Emily's heart at the same time.
It was the next day at the BAU. Carrie was wide-eyed as she walked into the sixth floor. JJ noticed the duo there and walked over to them. "Carrie. What are you doing here?"
"We came to see Doctor Lewis," Carrie said and looked up towards Emily. The woman nodded her head in agreement.
"Well, that should be easy. She's right over there," JJ said and gestured toward the woman over by an interview room. The two turned and saw Tara walking in with a coffee in her hand.
"Does the FBI just hire supermodels or something?" Carrie asked and looked back at the two women. JJ and Emily both smiled widely. Maybe, maybe not.
"She's the best. You'll be in good hands," JJ said and winked over at Emily. The teenager turned back and bit her lip nervously as she walked towards the room. JJ watched as Emily followed after her in the same nervous manner.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"Doctor Lewis?" Carrie asked and looked over at the woman. Tara stood up and smiled widely.
"Oh, please. It's Tara," Tara said and extended her hand out to shake Carrie's. The two shook hands before Emily and Tara embraced in a quick hug.
"Thank you for clearing your schedule for this," Emily said softly. "This is Carrie, my uh, my Carrie."
That was another thing on Emily's mental checklist. Discuss with Carrie what exactly she wants to be referred to when Emily introduces her. Is she comfortable with the label daughter? Or just Carrie? There were so many things swarming Emily's mind.
"Nice to meet you," Carrie said softly. Emily placed her hand on the teenager's back and smiled.
"If you don't mind, Emily, I'll come and get you when Carrie and I are done. You'll be in the bullpen, correct?" Tara said and gestured for the teenager to sit. Emily nodded her head. "It should be about an hour. This is just an intake session where Carrie and I get to know each other before we set up another appointment."
"Alright," Emily said and was very nervous about leaving Carrie. The mother instinct in her wanted to know everything that was going on with Carrie, but the profiler in her knew to respect boundaries and not overwhelm someone grieving. "Don't let her wander. Especially to you know who's office."
Carrie just smiled softly as Emily pointed her fingers at her eyes and then at Carrie. Tara shut the door behind Emily as she left. The raven-haired woman wanted nothing more than to just break down the door and hear everything.
She'll come to you when she's ready.
"I figured you could use this. I noticed your eyes doing that cute puppy dog thing when Carrie was going to Tara," JJ said as she walked up to Emily with a coffee in her hands. The raven-haired woman nodded as she turned back to the door. The word cute flew past Emily. Her feelings of anxiety were too overwhelming for her to blush and worry at the same time. JJ slipped her hand over Emily's. "She'll be okay. Come on. Have you eaten anything?"
"No, Carrie and I overslept," Emily said as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
"Great. I'll order breakfast for the three of us, and we can eat in my office. But you have to unglue yourself from that spot," JJ said and pulled Emily's hand as she led the woman to the bullpen.
Spencer: "Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us." David Richo.
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what would y'all like to see in this book? drop me some ideas, i already have a few but you guys know how i love reader suggestions🥰
i'll be updating soon! -salem🤍