chapter 16 - ascende superius
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Denial and anger. Those were the beginning stages of grief. First, you don't want to accept your loss or losses, and then, you quickly become angry over being deprived of what you lost. There's no time limit for the general duration of each stage, due to grief being an ever-going process that just gets easier to maintain overtime. Still, however, Kota was passing through each of those stages quicker than one would assume, and now, she unknowingly found herself in the next one:
Bargaining.
The words and taunts that ALIE put into her head were just enough to push her over the line of anger and into a new area of "what if's".
What if she would have made it to the door where Titus had Clarke at gunpoint, right before Lexa had? Would she have took the bullet instead?
What if she had never even returned to Polis to begin with? Could her sister's ill-fated future have been avoided?
What about her brother's tragic death? Could that have been prevented as well? Should she have been there sooner instead of lingering at Polis?
And what if she had been there sooner? Would that extra help have been beneficial in actually freeing the grounders and coming out unscathed?
Uncontrollable thoughts like these started to plague her mind, tremendously, causing her to feel more guilty and responsible over everything that happened rather than feel angry or sad about it. It was difficult to see beyond the various doubts that formed in her mind, but all she knew for certain was that she would give anything to go back in time and change things.
Anything.
However, since she was unable to do so, she was more focused on making sure that she didn't make those same mistakes again. Which meant that Dakota would do everything she could to protect the loved ones she still had, and bargain for ways to prevent more emotional pain and future losses.
Unfortunately, it definitely wasn't as easy as it seemed.
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After Octavia and Monty returned from the dropship, they had succeeded in removing the A.I chip from Raven, though it wasn't a simple task. The girl continued thrashing around and even tried killing herself due to the mind control ALIE had on her. She began banging her head forcefully on the headboard, and everyone had to hold her down and tightly restrain her. It all finally ended when they used the electro magnets to fry the circuitry of the chip, before Clarke surgically removed the technology from Raven's neck altogether using the technique Titus had done when he removed the flame from Lexa.
Now, it seemed as if the only struggle that remained was just the war going on inside Kota's head. You see, her thoughts were currently too focused on the many words Raven told her while she was still plagued by the A.I. The main one being the fact that what she said was actually correct: all those whom she had ever loved in some way, have died. So, it left her with the unmistakable anxiety that Octavia and her friends were the next ones to be a victim in the seemingly cursed dead pool that was her life.
Protecting them was now the only thing that mattered to her, and looking down at the brunette by her side in that moment only sealed the deal. Those blueish-green eyes that had once captivated her, now also made her grow nauseous with the ever-growing worry that the next time she saw them, could be the last time she ever saw them. That thought alone took Kota to a dark place she didn't want to be. She wouldn't ever let that happen. She couldn't. Her love was all she had left and she'd be damned if she let anyone or anything take that away from her.
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Currently, the group was in the rover on their way back from the cave where Harper, Miller, and Bryan were supposed to be waiting for them. Since the three were nowhere to be found once they arrived, the group knew that it would be best to stop by Arkadia and see if they were there or if something had happened to them.
"Hey, there's one thing I don't understand." Clarke suddenly spoke up, gaining all of their attention as she turned towards the mechanic. "Why did ALIE want you to kill yourself?"
Raven thought for a moment, before realization quickly dawned on her.
"Because. . . I know why she wants the second A.I. It's the only thing that can stop her."
"Then let's stop her." Octavia chimed in, with a look of determination. "We survive together."
Kota immediately nodded in agreement, as she kept a firm hold on the flame. "She's building an army with Jaha. I think it's about time we build one of our own."
"How do you suppose we do that?" Monty asked her, to which she sighed.
"We have to get Luna to become Commander, which I know might not be easy, but with her on our side we'll have all of Trikru, and maybe even some from Floukru as well."
"Why can't you just take the flame?" He wondered. "You're Lexa's sister, you're a nightblood, and you've literally trained for it. Plus, you've already gained the trust and loyalty of the Grounders, right?"
Instantly, both Clarke and Octavia glanced up at each other knowingly, remembering that Titus' last wish was for them to get Kota to believe that she did have what it took to become Heda, no matter how much she doubted herself. That goal still remained, even if Kota didn't know about it. The odds of getting Luna to accept it were slim to none and they knew that. Hell, even Kota knew that. She just wasn't prepared, nor ready to deal with it yet.
Thankfully, Clarke quickly changed the subject.
"What did Becca write about the flame?" She questioned Raven, who was flipping through the former scientist's journal.
"ALIE 2.0" Raven corrected her, before looking up at everyone else in the rover. "She saw it as a way to atone for her sins. Designed it not to just access a human mind...but to merge with one. It could never wipe us out, because it would be one of us." Her voice grew quieter as she continued. "She put it in herself first. Altered her genes so her body wouldn't reject the implant."
"Bekka Pramheda," Clarke realized, causing Kota to immediately stare at her in confusion.
"The first Commander? What does she have to do with this?"
The blonde ignored her, though unintentionally, as she was too focused on Raven. "The gene therapy made her blood black, didn't it?"
"Yeah." Raven nodded, surprised. "How did you know that?"
"Nightblood." Clarke replied simply, while finally acknowledging the only Grounder among them. "That's where it came from, Kota. Somehow it became hereditary." She then looked towards the others. "Aside Kota, Luna has it, and that's why we have to help find her."
"I don't understand." Dakota frowned. "Are you saying everything my people and I know about the flame is a lie? That the spirits of my sister and of all the other Commanders before her aren't actually stored in it?"
To say she was confused by all the talk of science and technology would be an understatement, because she didn't get it at all. If anything, it made her thoughts even more jumbled than they already were. That fact alone caused her to easily slip away from the conversation once more, too preoccupied by the many things swarming around in her head. It was almost like all of the noise in the rover suddenly deafened completely, leaving Kota stuck with having to hear every last one of those loud and overly obnoxious thoughts.
"Eyes sharp. Weapons hot." Bellamy suddenly called out from the driver's seat. "We're almost home." He then grabbed his radio. "Miller, come in."
No answer...
"Harper, you there? Your ride's two minutes out."
Again, no answer...
When a response never came, they all grew on edge, knowing that they should prepare for the worst. Kota herself had an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach, causing her to unsheathe her sword, ready to jump out quickly and attack if need be.
Slowly, the rover came to a stop and everyone filed out except for Monty and Raven, as well as Jasper, who instead, opted for standing out of the roof with his gun ready. Kota made sure she was walking close to Octavia, as they all entered Arkadia's open gates. Not only did she want to be there to protect her if things went haywire, but also, because Kota was about to walk the very same grounds that her brother was murdered on for the first time since the incident, and having the brunette by her side gave her a source of comfort.
The camp itself was like a ghost town, having no signs of life in sight. It was eerie and quiet, which had put them all on guard more than they already were.
"Miller, where the hell are you? I don't like this." Bellamy tried using his radio one last time, though it was clear no one would reply.
"Maybe they got chipped." Jasper wondered aloud, but Bell was quick to shut that idea down.
"If they got chipped, they'd have been waiting for us at the cave."
"Maybe they saw the open gate and went in for Lincoln's book." He tried again.
"Maybe you should stop saying 'maybe'." Octavia muttered, before glancing over at the girl beside her and making sure she was alright, having heard the mention of her brother's name. She went to grab her hand but hesitated when Kota suddenly halted in her tracks.
Hazel eyes met crimson red as Kota stared down at the ground before her.
The last memory she ever had of her brother was still prominent in the dirt just as much as it was implanted in her brain, and her stomach quickly tied itself in knots at the sight. Her throat clenched up and it took so much willpower in remembering how to breathe. Immediately, her mind went blank and all she could think about was the heartbreaking sound of Lincoln's body hitting the earth's muddy surface.
Everyone else stopped as well, as they too came across the scene. Only they weren't staring at the puddle of blood like she was. No, their eyes were only focused on her as they attempted to gauge her reaction. They didn't know what to do other than wait for a reaction from her, but they were surprised when they didn't get one.
All at once, the grieving of both Lexa and Lincoln that Kota tried so hard to push past, suddenly hit her like a tidal wave, and swept the feet out from under her, much like Jasper had been experiencing since the loss of Maya. Though it was all internal, because she was good at hiding her emotions. Afterall, her sister taught her well.
Octavia tried to lay a hand on her shoulder comfortingly, but Dakota instantly shoved it off as she glanced up at Bellamy with nothing but unshed tears, hatred and venom laced within her eyes. Still, however, she didn't say a word. All she did was began walking further, leaving them to stare at her depleting figure.
"Let's just get Lincoln's book and get the hell out of here." Octavia spoke, attempting to brush off the feeling of hurt that hit her when Kota retreated from her touch.
The group finally caught up to the Grounder, who was waiting patiently at the hangar bay. Together, they stood and watched the doors open slowly and dauntingly, before proceeding inside. Once they were all in safely, and the room was clear of any hostilities, only then did Bellamy lower his gun.
"Alright, close up the doors and turn the rover around." He ordered. "We may need to get out of here quickly."
Much like the rest of camp, the hangar bay was completely deserted. The only available evidence of life was the board games and half-eaten plates of food resting on the table from who knew how long.
Kota didn't spare those inanimate objects any mind, however, as she kept walking through the room. Her goal was to collect some of the things she had stored safely in the bedroom that she once shared with Octavia.
Walking into Lincoln's old room was out of the question because she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it, but she also knew they could find the map without her.
Truthfully, she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts and she trusted that they could all manage without her for a little while. So, once more the group watched as the Grounder girl walked away from them, knowing that she needed time to herself.
"We're in and out." Bellamy grabbed their attention. "Pack as much gear as you can into the rover."
"I'll get the map." Octavia said, knowing that Kota would be more at ease with the book in her hands, rather than anyone else's.
Jasper decided to go with her, for what he deemed was "protection", but everyone there knew Octavia didn't need it. Jasper was just too lazy to help load gear.
Needless to say, everyone quickly split off to do their own thing with the intention of meeting back at the hanger bay within the hour. But what they unfortunately didn't realize, was that their initial instincts were right.
They weren't alone in that camp, and splitting up would turn out to be a bad idea because soon, all hell would break loose.
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When Dakota finally reached the former quarters, where she and Octavia had resided after the events of Mount Weather, she hesitated and took a deep breath before pushing the door open. Upon entering, she was quick to see that everything was just as they had left it, and the room itself still had the intoxicating scent of Octavia lingering everywhere, along with the multiple memories that were short lived.
Looking towards the bed, she could perfectly picture the time when the brunette sat on the floor and let Kota braid her hair. That day was a good one, and they often reminisced over it together. Octavia had almost fell asleep from the soothing touches of Kota's fingers weaving through her hair, and when she was finally finished, Kota immediately hugged her from behind and planted a soft kiss to her head.
Everything was so peaceful in that moment in time, and the two relaxed in a warm embrace as the sun shined through the hallway window. That very same day, both girls found themselves laying atop of the nearby hills as the night sky rested above them. It was no secret that Kota had always been fascinated with the stars, and because of that, Octavia used the knowledge she had gained from reading as a child to inform her that they actually all had names.
She even taught her about comets, zodiacs and other astronomical facts. Kota had never been more in awe than listening to her go on and on so passionately. She never knew that so much more was living in space than the naked eye could see, but she hoped she could personally view it all herself one day, though it certainly seemed unlikely.
That very same night was the moment Kota started referring to Octavia as her "fallen star" who came into her life unexpectedly, but lit up her world nonetheless.
There wasn't much else to the room aside from their belongings, but what Kota's eyes had landed on next, made her instantly pause. Resting on the bedside table, was a quick sketch she had drawn many months ago after learning her true identity. Engraved and smeared across the canvas was a little girl sitting on the lap of another girl who was a bit older. It was supposed to represent a younger version of her and Lexa, because at the time Kota wondered what their life was like before everything had changed.
What she didn't realize at the time she drew it, was that she wasn't just drawing an idea or random scenario. No, she was actually sketching a memory that hadn't connected until that moment, after her time of getting to know Lexa more.
Kota was so lost in thought staring at the artwork that she didn't hear the anxious voice of Bellamy coming through her radio. Or the alarming sounds echoing throughout the Ark's hallways. Instead, she sat on top of her bed and picked up the small portrait, looking down at it dearly as she actually started remembering a seemingly innocent part of her past:
14 years ago,
"Lex, Lex! You're back!" A young Leilani exclaimed, as she bounced up and down excitedly on the bed.
Her older sister had walked in and instantly chuckled at the sight in front of her, watching as the little girl's wavy brown hair wildly matched her movements.
"I missed you, little one!" Lexa smiled, leaning down and giving her a warm hug.
The older of the two had just returned from one of her scheduled trainings in Polis, and Leila was eager to hear what new things she had learned. It was tradition for them at this point. Lexa would return, and immediately fill her in on mostly everything she had learned while away.
For a small girl her age, Leilani was intelligent and always so fascinated by the knowledge and lineage of her history. So much so, that even if she may not have understood everything Lexa told her, she still listened intently as if she was hearing the most detailed and intricate bedtime story.
It all amazed her, no matter if she could comprehend it or not.
"What did you learn while you were away this time? Did you fight some bad guys? Oh! Will you teach me how to use a sword? I've been wanting to practice with the wooden one you made me but none of the other little girls in our village want to play with me."
Lexa frowned at the small pout that lingered on her sister's face. It broke her heart to know that she didn't have any friends, and it wasn't even her fault. However, it was moments like these where she never failed to make sure Leila knew that she would be her best friend.
Forever and always.
"How about this," Lexa began. "I'll train with you all day tomorrow, but right now it's past your bedtime. I think it would also be wise to wait until morning for story time too, wouldn't you agree?"
"Noooo!" The little girl instantly whined. "But you pwomised if I was good when you were away, then as soon as you got back you would tell me all about it."
Leila's words were, in fact, true. Lexa did make her that promise every time she had left for Polis. She knew that her little sister would miss her dearly while she was away, so she continued making her that promise as a form of reassurance that she would always be back for her.
"Alright, alright. Come here then, little one."
The younger one cheered, racing over to her sister and climbing up onto her lap. Her big bright eyes held nothing but admiration and anticipation for what story was going to be told this time, and the adorable toothless smile she wore was irresistible in all its entirety.
"So in our last story, we left off with what happens when a mighty warrior comes out victorious in their conclave. Do you remember what that was?" Lexa questioned, making Leila think for a moment.
"Then the warrior becomes the next king or queen right?"
"Well, not necessarily." She chuckled. "They actually become Commander, and earn the title as Heda."
"But what if they don't wannabe Heda?" Leila wondered. "What if they wannabe queen?"
Lexa grinned as she poked the little girl's tummy, making her giggle. "Tell you what, little one. If you somehow manage to obtain nightblood, and you win your conclave, then you can be our clan's first ever queen. How's that sound?"
"Really? Okay!"
"Now to continue with the story, we're going to discuss the events that follow after a warrior's victory. While I was training in Polis the past few days, I was taught all about how first, they must undergo a purification where they bathe in the finest of oils and fresh hot water. It allows them not only to receive relaxation and rejuvenation, but also proper cleanliness. Their war paint fades away, because the time of war is over and they must get ready for their ascension."
"What's an esenchin?" Leila wondered, mispronouncing it entirely.
"An a-scen-sion is the ritual that is performed to officially make a warrior a Commander. In this case, a vital link from the spirits of the former Commanders, referred to as the flame, is transferred over into the warrior's body so that they can carry it and lead with guidance." Lexa further explained. "Does that make sense?"
The younger girl nodded her head though she was really confused as ever. No matter if the explanation was simplified, it was still so technical and bizarre to try and comprehend, so Lexa didn't feel the need to make her understand. After all, she only told her these stories to entertain her. Other than that, the girl didn't really need to know unless she was curious.
"But here's the tricky part." Lexa added. "In order to gain full access to all that the flame carries, the magic words must be spoken."
That fact immediately made the little girl gasp in excitement. "Magic?! What words?! What words!?"
"Well, unfortunately for you ai strisis, that's something I'm unable to tell you."
"Aww, why not?" She pouted.
"Well if someone who isn't a Natblida gains access to the flame, it can harm them and be fatal. I just don't want anything bad like that to happen to you, and neither does the Fleimkepa. Do you understand?"
"I guess." Leila huffed in disappointment, crossing her arms childishly. "Can I at least get a hint?"
Lexa thought for a moment, before a grin formed on her face. "I suppose so." She winked, before meeting the younger girl's awaiting eyes and booping her nose.
"Seek higher things, ai strisis. Seek higher things."
Present day,
As the memory slowly faded, Kota was left with those three specific words that her sister told her.
Seek higher things.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized that the day Lexa first spoke them to her, wasn't the last time she ever heard those words. Soon after that day Lexa had returned, she was immediately called to fight in her conclave in which she came out victorious and was quickly sent off to Polis as the Commander. It was such a traumatic time for Kota/Leila that it had a major part in why she forgot everything about her life with her sister. But one thing she did remember, was that when she worked under the Commander in the capital years later, there were numerous times where Lexa continued telling her that phrase.
Like the time Dakota was fixing a bath for her, and was envious of all the fine oils and floral arrangements in the water, as well as the fresh grapes that were provided. That day was a very laborious one, leaving Kota exhausted and in pain from running around the city for different duties. All she wanted was a moment to relax and rest, so she carelessly commented on how much she would give just to be bathed in the same riches of luxury if it meant she could make use of such reserved delicacies.
Though she didn't really mean anything by it but humor, it resulted in Lexa (whom the girl hadn't realized was her sister) looking at her with such a stoic expression. "Don't be fooled, Dakoda kom Trikru." She spoke to her softly. "For the most finest treasures in life may seem like fancy riches, but those are meaningless. You must seek higher things." She encouraged.
After that, Lexa had shared some of the oils with Kota, opting to lather some in her hair to make it shine and smell good. She even taught the younger one how to braid her hair, knowing that Lincoln probably couldn't. She sat on her bed, with Kota on the floor in front of her, just how the latter learned to do with Octavia. Together they shared the plate of grapes, and talked the night away.
Dakota hadn't thought much of it at the time, but every chance Lexa could, she would always tell her those three words:
"Seek higher things." Kota found herself whispering, as she looked at the flame in her hands. She didn't really expect it to do anything, she was just voicing the words aloud in thought.
However, doing so ultimately triggered another memory, she had stored away. It caused her to remember the time Lexa showed her the Fleimkepa's room, where Bekka Pramheda's ship resided, and where the story of how the first commander came to be was painted on the walls. Kota remembered staring at a specific portion on the mural that read "seek higher things" and under it was the words "ascende superius" painted in bold.
So out of curiosity, she spoke those exact words aloud to see how they felt on the tongue.
"Ascende superius."
The next thing that happened took her completely by surprise. The flame resting between her thumb and forefinger suddenly came to life as those very words activated the A.I, which Raven referred to as ALIE 2.0.
Little spider-like antennas flowed out from the bottom of the chip, and immediately became attracted to Kota as they reached out for her. Out of fear she backed away, but that only caused the flame to quickly close back up like nothing ever happened. It was then, at that moment, that Kota smirked to herself, as she thought about her older sister's words.
Looks like she had figured out the magic words after all...
She was soon pulled away from her thoughts completely when her radio went off once more. Since she was so preoccupied with her past, she unfortunately hadn't been paying attention to the present, and that meant that she had no idea what was going on with the others. So, she grabbed her walkie and raised it towards her mouth in order to figure out what she had missed, but before she could speak into it, Clarke's voice rung out instead.
All it took was the first word, for Dakota's whole demeanor to change instantly. It was just a name that the blonde began with, but it was enough to send a shiver down Kota's spine, knowing that the name belonged to a demon from her past. Their past. One that she had somehow forgotten about due to the most recent events in her life.
"Emerson--,"
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A/N:
yes, i know. it's been awhile. i'm so sorry to keep you all waiting so long, life has been pretty hectic. idk how many of you are still interested in this book, but this chapter was just a filler. things are definitely going to pick up from here and i can't wait for you all to see what i have in store to conclude this story. i'm hoping to start regular updates now, so stay tuned! as always, thank you for reading <3