Edited: 06.29.2022
Song: Blackbear - idfc (small snippet slowed)
𝔚𝔚𝔚
Alessio
I've done many horrible things in my life.
Things that to the regular everyday person, would be immoral, illegal, unethical. And my actions would deem me a monster, inhumaine, cruel.
But it was business.
Mistakes were overbrushed, dealt with and moved on. Feelings were never considered. There was no room for regrets or apologies and there was never any compassion or affection.
I never thought of myself as a person who enjoyed touch.
I simply hated to be touched.
I didn't like people around me. The only time I would consider touching was sex. But the touches were never soft, they were harsh, never filled with any affection or compassion, just skin slapping skin that got me what I wanted.
A release.
But innocent touches without a clear purpose? Or if there was a purpose, it was for something deeper - below the surface. Something tender and soft. Not sexually driven, but ones out of pure endearment and warmth.
Those were never even considered in my lifetime.
My parents were never affectionate. I never had a girlfriend nor wanted one. The farthest I got was love for my Famiglia. But even then that love had its limits, of course the loyalty was limitless, I would die for what I built and the people that have built it with me. But love? True sentiment and feelings?
I never went that far.
But it fucking terrified me how fast I found comfort in something like that. Something so dependent. Something so out of my control.
Something like her.
The innocent touches had grown on me. I didn't shy away from them, nor did I want them to stop. The why was unexplainable, but the evidence was clear as shit, I- Alessio Galanti liked sharing innocent touches. There was nothing wrong with that part, the part that was questionably moral was the Who I was sharing those innocent touches with.
It was fucked up, for so many reasons.
She was the last person I was to be touching.
But somewhere in my mind I had deemed it acceptable because those touches didn't mean anything. They were innocent and mutually beneficial.
At least that's what I told myself.
She needed affection, I was merely an easily accessible able body.
Only she had to go and ruin everything.
I felt like shit.
The second I calmed myself down in that bed and snapped back into reality, I wanted to rip all my teeth out.
How could I have been so fucking stupid?
She was a hormonal teenage girl. One that didn't fucking know what she wanted - aside from the fake picture she'd painted in her head.
I didn't want her.
I couldn't want her.
But all the self loathing had dissipated the second I heard it.
A soft little sniffle, enough to have my heart stopping. I'd tried convincing myself I was hearing things, that it was so quiet I couldn't be sure. But I still waited until she was asleep to peek over at her, to get a good look at her face and confirm what I was scared of.
And when I saw the dried tears on her face as she slept, I felt it.
Regret.
For the first time in a long time that nasty feeling crept up and struck me right in the heart.
The events would play back in my mind and I would wish I could go back and tell her that wasn't me. I didn't mean it. I would never hurt her.
But it was me. I was rough, selfish. I was too much for someone like Giana. She couldn't handle it.
Not only did I take advantage and taint the picture she'd built up in her head, but I got carried away.
Giana was off limits, always has been, always will be.
Which is probably why it's a good thing I woke to an empty bed, despite feeling like it's not.
I skip breakfast, yet still end up running into her.
She doesn't see me though, she's too busy following around one of the maids in the kitchen. She speaks animatedly with the girl I'm guessing she's befriended.
And the sight of her, so young and full of life has a ball of disgust lodging itself in my throat.
Christo, what was I thinking?
I was fucking sick.
The girl was less experienced, delicate and innocent compared to me.
I went too fucking far and I didn't stop to comfort her, I didn't even fucking know how to.
I pulled my finger out and disregarded her like she was nothing but a body.
she wasn't use to sexual desire and pleasure like I was. She didn't know anything. She was a fucking virgin for Christ's sake and I don't know what prompted me to take it that far.
But I did.
I let my anger consume me and I lashed out on the one person I didn't want to see that side of me.
I saw the way she looked at me. The disappointment, the fear. I wasn't the man she saw the good in anymore. I was a monster.
And it affected me more than I liked to admit.
I knew it could never happen again. I would never allow her to rile me up to the point where I'd snap.
I would never allow her to make me that angry again. Angry to the point where all I wanted was to punish her. Angry to the point where I was moving faster, harder just so I could finish her off quickly, because I had realized somewhere along to way I got lost in my own pleasure.
Somewhere along the way I had been attracted to her, and somewhere along the way I had wanted to taint her. Claim her.
And that was what terrified me most.
Because I couldn't. I wouldn't.
I wasn't going to get greedy. The innocent touches were fine, they catered to my emotional needs. Ones I didn't know I even had, where she made me feel.
But that was it.
She wasn't going to fuel my arousal as well. Which was why I wouldn't allow myself to go there. Allow my mind to fill with horrible sinful images of her.
Because mixing sex with emotion would never end well with someone like me. I wasn't the man for her and that night proved it.
𓆩❤︎𓆪
Bruh, why is this man so dramatic? Like seriously 🙄
Also;
Giana wasn't feeling violated or uncomfortable she was upset because what he gave her wasn't what she had pictured in her mind. She was crying because she was coming to terms with the reality that actual sexual actions weren't like she built them in her mind.
She needs to start realizing that her own fantasies were more love and affectionate oriented than actually sex oriented.
She was obsessed with the idea of sex she built in her head with Alessio.
It just shows how she's not ready.
She acts like she knows a lot about sex but she doesn't. She's just overly confident which hides the fact that she's still very much naive and innocent. I mean she didn't even think that he would finger her when he touched her-
Ok I'm done psycho-analyzing them.