It takes you by surprise when Cordelia uses those words because at times you thought she could never feel sorry for the way you were hurting after leaving the academy and even before and you saw her as someone who did nothing but betray your trust and good intentions.
Eventually, you changed your mind, knowing that the blonde could never actually do any of these things on purpose and you realized something that was essential in your healing journey in the end. The realization that everything that happened wasn't just hard on you but that it was also hard on Cordelia, initially saved you in a way.
At one point you thought back of all the coincidences of you actually meeting Cordelia and also the things you two experienced together both the good things and also the bad ones. In the beginning, when you joined the academy Cordelia was your savior. She didn't just offer you a home and a safe space to learn more about your powers and helping them grow, she also offered you a family full of beautiful witches that would soon become part of your little family.
From the start you knew that Cordelia was more than a headmistress or a supreme to you, she was your own little guardian angel. After your mother's passing a few weeks before you ended up finding the academy after the interview the supreme gave, randomly started playing one night, you finally found a purpose.
Just after her death, you had nothing apart from a tiny apartment that served the only purpose of giving you a bed but it was never truly a home to you. For weeks you were in this cycle of grief and depression, not really knowing what was real anymore and what wasn't.
First, you went through denial, telling yourself that she isn't dead and if you would simply drive to the nursing home that she would be there, sitting outside in her usual chair with that usual blanket wrapped around her legs. Then anger washed over you, mostly at yourself for not visiting more often when in reality you visited her every single day and every weekend.
That anger turned into depression but somehow just somehow you always had this strength within you, this voice guiding you through all the dark moments when you would cry in your bed and just pray that it could be over and that you wouldn't have to feel that same pain in your chest anymore.
What you didn't know however, not for a long time is that there was always this source of power within you, not just your magic but also your subconsciousness always remembering your mothers words that you did have a meaning somewhere- the academy. The coven and Cordelia were always the reason for this strength within you before you even knew the place existed or what that place truly was.
For a long time you never understood how you managed to get up every morning and go to work all day before returning home and drowning in thoughts and sadness. Cordelia would very soon become the source of your happiness, even before you two started dating.
All those nights spent in the kitchen together, looking out the window and admiring the stars and beautiful night sky, while drinking hot chocolates and just listening to each others past and the things on your minds that would usually keep you up at night. Soon you learnt that you aren't alone with all the overwhelming feelings you would feel at times and that the blonde perfect angel also had her own struggles.
You never really truly noticed that Cordelia was struggling aswell. To you she always seemed so perfect, like she was truly an angel that was just brought to earth from heaven with the sole purpose to cheer people up and bless them with her presence.
You were so naive and dumbfounded, believing that someone blessed with beauty and grace wouldn't also have some very dark and low moments, debating what actually makes sense in life and on the verge of giving up. At first you would often hold back about your feelings after joining the academy because you have never liked bothering people with your problems and feelings but there was always something about Cordelia that made it so damn easy.
Maybe it was the way her eyes would quite literally take a glance at your soul and how she could always tell whether you were telling the truth or not and not just by her magic. All she needed to do was tilt her head in that adorable way and once the slightest bit of concern washed over her features you would tell her that you lied and that indeed you aren't fine like you said.
She would always listen and never judge, no matter if you so desperately missed your family and you wanted nothing more but to have them around again, all those warm summer days when you drove past the white strange building and to a sunny destination like the beach or over to a friends house. Or if you talked about your powers and how much it stressed you out or you talking about being scared about your first classes, making friends at the academy. It could be anything at all no matter how small or big something seemed to you, Cordelia always treated you with so much value and respect that in the end you started believing the things she had told you.
''Your feelings are valid Y/N'' she would reassure you, her eyes locking with yours showing the sincerity in them. ''I know it must hurt so much sweetheart but I promise things will get better'' she told you while her hands graced your slightly. And indeed the supreme never lied to you, not when she barely knew you and only saw you as a student needing some extra help or after you two finally admitted your feelings and she would reassure you of those same things whenever it was one of those days when you doubted yourself.
However, quickly you realized that all along Delia was the one that also suffered, whether it being long before you joined or before she was the supreme or even after you started dating each other. There would also be these silent and dead quiet nights where she was so broken, so lonely and so insecure, where all the things of her past slowly came to haunt her and she needed you, just the way that you needed her.
Quickly you learnt a lot about the supreme in those late night kitchen hot chocolate conversations, she would tell you she knows about grief before telling you about some students she lost or her mother that never really was a mother to her but also her mother figure Myrtle. She told you she knows what it is like feeling insecure and worrying because all her life the blonde was put down and living in the shadows of her mother, no matter while she was around or not, the scars that woman left on her soul too strong to ever heal or be healed by anybody.
There were a few moments when you realized that the two of you are very alike not just based on your feelings and past but one key moment when Delia was at her worst and you were there to pick up all the pieces that night.
It was a normal day at the academy truly or at least it started out as one. Zoe asked you to hang out in the morning to go to the city and buy some breakfast and a few new clothes. Of course you agreed because you had just joined weeks ago at that point and you could use some new clothes. Just as you were getting ready to leave, Madison walked out the room and said ''Did you really think that you could just leave me out like that?'' with an eyeroll and what you thought would start out as the weirdest day actually turned into a beautiful day.
The three of you got to know each other better and you learnt that after all the blonde isn't completely insufferable and actually fun to hang out with once you learn to ignore her sarcasm and irony that can be insulting at times. You walked through the hot streets of New Orleans, getting some lunch at this small place and you bought a few pieces.
For some reason although you were with Zoe and Madison, your mind kept wandering to Cordelia and the academy and you wondered whether she was okay because the night before she seemed slightly upset but she didn't want to speak about it.
Every little thing reminded you of the blonde with that beautiful smile, no matter if it was the yellow dress in the window of a shop that reminded you of her because she has and had always reminded you of that beautiful sunny color. No matter the song playing while you stopped to get some coffee and remembering Cordelia mentioning the artist once and saying she loves that band. Everything seemed to remind you of her and eventually you looked forward when the three of you went back to the academy with your hands filled with bags.
You returned late at night because even though Madison insisted on just teleporting, Zoe was against it not just because she once teleported into a fence but also because your magic was still quite weak and newly discovered then. In the end you waltzed into the academy after dinner and Madison went to the kitchen first, Zoe following her because they felt hungry but your heart desired to see the blonde that was on your mind all day.
So as a result you walked to her office only to not find her there, you didn't dare to go to her bedroom and knock at this time of night and you almost went to sleep but then you saw a light coming from the greenhouse so you walked through the chilly air and into the place where your favorite blonde hid throughout the day, wanting some peace and quiet while her mind was racing with thoughts.
When you walked inside, you saw her on the other end of the greenhouse, her back turned to you. She wore this black turtle neck jumper and also a black leather skirt and some tights and your stomach definitely did funny things when you saw her like that. Her hair fell perfectly just like it always would and you smiled as you stepped inside. '
'Hi Delia, how come you are still up?'' you asked, feeling confident at this point because you and her had gotten to know each other quite well at that point and you picked up the nickname a while ago without really realizing. She turned around and focused her attention on you, giving you a short smile before carrying on with whatever she was doing.
''How was your day? Me and the girls went shopping and it was a lot of fun Madison is actually not as-'' you started rambling like you usually would but the supreme interrupted you. ''Could you please stop talking for a moment? I need to focus'' she said and you instantly stopped and took a few steps towards her, noticing how irritated and frustrated she seemed.
''Delia what are you working on?'' you asked and she mumbled some words that you didn't understand and maybe you should have stopped and turned around but you didn't and stopped right behind her. ''Are you okay you seem tense today?'' you asked gently and quietly, not to disturb whatever she is doing even more.
''I am fine don't worry about me Y/N'' she said but obviously that only made you worry more and the concern grew. ''But I do worry about you Delia'' you said, your voice filled with honesty.
''How could you?'' she whispered and you almost didn't hear it if it wasn't so late and everyone asleep and the greenhouse dead quiet. ''Of course I care about you Delia, I always do and besides you were on my mind all day, I was actually wondering how you are'' you replied, blushing slightly at the confession leaving your lips.
''You shouldn't care about me'' she said and you couldn't see how she stopped what she was working on and how her gaze averted to the floor, tears streaming down her face. ''Why shouldn't I care about you Cordelia you are the most amaz-'' you started but she turned around in that moment.
Her gaze met yours and suddenly anger washed over the usual calm and gentle woman. ''Don't just don't'' she whispered, not wanting to hear all those praises and confessions from you in that moment when she felt so insecure all day. ''But Delia you are amazing and so much more you are-'' but she stopped you again
''I am an absolute failure Y/N! My mother was right, she was always right how I don't belong here or anywhere'' she shouted, stomping her feet on the floor and tears streaming down her face. She made you flinch by dropping the jar with a potion on the floor and when it shattered she just froze.
Carefully you scanned her face and at the risk of overstepping you simply approached her and opened your arms to her until she just collapsed in your arms, crying on your shoulder and letting all the emotion she felt today out. ''It's okay Delia I am here'' you cood and placed your hand on the back of her head, gently stroking it in a comforting manner.
You held her for the first time that night and it broke you, seeing the usual strong and confident woman like that. That night also taught you something, to never just assume someone is okay and that even Cordelia that seems so strong on the outside can break and need some help and reassurance from time to time. '
'Look at me'' you said after she cried silently for a while and she did, her brown orbs met yours. ''I know that I never knew your mother personally but from everything I heard I know that you could never be anything like her Cordelia'' you said and carried on ''You are so amazing, you are an amazing leader of this coven and a mother figure to so many girls here, even Zoe reassured me of that today, you care so much about the wellbeing of everyone that I think you sometimes forget who you are and that it is okay to feel sad and break from time to time''.
Cordelia looked at you a bit baffled because she had never truly been comforted by anyone but Myrtle before but it was a complete different type of comforting. You managed to bring a smile to her face when you cupped her cheeks and said ''I know what it's like with all these insecurities and negative thoughts but if you could see yourself through my eyes, you would understand how perfect you are'' you told her and that was the moment Cordelia believed you, seeing the sincerity in your eyes. '
'Now come on it's late'' you told her and took her hand, guiding her away from the shattered glass of the greenhouse and all the emotions and insecuruties and you took her back in the comfort of the academy.
Something had day changed for both you and Cordelia. It wasn't these usual conversations you had about classes or your magic or your usual late night hot chocolate conversations, it was more.
Seeing Cordelia this vulnerable and open, proved to you that you mean something to her for her to trust you in this way. The next morning after showering and getting dressed in the new clothes you had bought the day before, you decided to make some coffee and bring it to the supreme's office knowing on a Sunday she will for sure spend the day in here and probably be awake already, preparing for the classes ahead and answering emails and phone calls.
Nervously, you knocked on her office door only for her to reply ''Come in'' with her angelic voice and as you entered and handed her the cup of coffee you noticed a change. ''Thank you'' she whispered and blew at the mug before taking a sip.
Her eyes locked with yours and even her brown orbs smiled at you and in that moment you felt it for the first time. The butterflies in your stomach but you tried pushing that away for quite some time, unsure what to make of your and the supreme relationship or rather friendship as you thought of it back then. It took a few weeks and a similar encounter for the two of you to finally open your eyes and see each other for something more as headmistress and student, supreme and witch or friends.
Madison had the idea to go to a bar and although you would have preferred to stay inside the academy and preferably spend your time with Cordelia, you agreed. You asked the blonde whether she wants to go too but she denied, telling you you girls should enjoy yourselves. In the end the supreme was so anxious waiting for you to arrive and worried that one of you would get hurt or end completely drunk that she also had a few drinks in the living room some leftover bottles that were still there from Fiona.
She wasn't drunk at all but when you did walk back into the academy, after helping everyone inside their beds and putting some water and pain medication on their night tables, figuring the hangover was to come the next morning, you found Delia. You decided to stay sober and just after walking in the kitchen one more time to retrieve some water for yourself, you saw that the fireplaces was still lit and you found Cordelia asleep in an armchair. You almost frowned because she looked so damn adorable and at that point you couldn't hide the butterflies in your stomach any longer. '
'Delia?'' you whispered, trying to get her to wake up and for you to help her in her room. ''Y/N wow'' Delia slurred her words, looking at you as if you are her whole world. ''Come on it's late'' you said and offered your arm so you could guide her to her bedroom. You couldn't really understand much of her words and you focused on getting her upstairs. You handed her some pajamas and she just started stripping in the middle of the room, you gulped and you adverted your gaze away from her body.
''I neewd some help with my ssshirt'' she hiccuped and of course you walked over to help her while looking at her face. ''Thank you Y/N'' she slurred after you helped her and just before you left her bedroom, telling her goodnight and that she should rest, she pulled your wrist and spun you around, her lips grazing yours ever so slightly. And from that night on everything had changed and the feelings were inevitable to hide any longer or push away, that much was clear for both you and Cordelia.
''What are you thinking about?'' Cordelia asks, ripping you out of your thoughts yet again, tears still swelling in her eyes. ''Oh nothing I was just-'' you try and think of something to say before explaining
''I didn't just love you at your worst Delia, we had our good moments too'' you say, implying what she had originally said when she thanked you for loving her at her worst. ''We sure had our ups and downs didn't we?'' Cordelia smiles and it suddenly feels like a little weight is lifted off your shoulders and the heaviness of the situation is lifted in the slightest bit even though you know that this conversation isn't over yet and a lot of things are still on each other's minds and to be said.
For a few moments there is silence where both you and the blonde are pulled into memories, like a little movie replaying in your minds of all the smiles, all the times you would dance together, work on your magic together, go on walks or picnics together when you actually got her to agree to leave the academy and you both remembering some of your fondest moments with each other. The painful memories and flashbacks are gone for a moment and in this moment no word, no room and no object can stop your memory from replaying some of these beautiful things you experienced here, in the walls of this academy and many of them in the arms of the woman sitting across you.
''We really did Delia'' you reply with a chuckle but the lightness of this situation and everything seeming so calm for a moment is soon to be replaced with the painful part of this reunion and conversation and Cordelia finally speaking her mind and explaining what went wrong a year ago.
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A/N: Hi everyone! I hope this story is somewhat enjoyable :) Also I think it's quite clear that the next chapter will be the ultimate sad and also big conversation chapter so I thought I would write something a bit more happy or rather happy flashbacks and memories of them in this chapter. 💛