It was about three months after the return of Misty to the coven when things began to shatter around you and you knew quite early on where this was heading, even though you fought it with every fiber of your being.
The last three weeks were hard, Cordelia really tried to spend as much time with you as possible but in between her usual supreme and headmistress duties, council meetings, morning gatherings, and looking after her precious plants, there was now not just you to look after but also the blonde witch with curly hair, Misty.
Cordelia tried very hard and long to push the feeling away she felt whenever Misty walked past, whenever Misty smiled at her or spoke to her, or whenever she found her in the greenhouse, where they would soon spend a lot of time together.
The supreme trying to stay rational, she pushed the feelings away she felt, the little tingles in her body or the butterflies in her stomach, thinking it's just her mind tricking her every time and not actually being able to believe yet that Misty is back. After all, they never were together before her death but the feeling is quite similar to back then before you arrived at the coven. Eventually, Cordelia couldn't hide it from herself anymore, and then she let it happen, she let the feelings continue to grow, not pushing them back and that day was the day you lost her, even though none of you knew it yet.
At first, you tried sending the uncomfortable feeling away and just swallow it, thinking that they are just friends and Cordelia would never betray you in such a way or hurt your feelings. It didn't help that Misty was always really open, friendly, and nice to you and any girl at the academy and so you thought you are mistaken.
The first time you noticed that there might be some truth to it, was one afternoon when you were just hanging out with the girls, Zoe and Madison and then you walked into the greenhouse. You saw Misty and Cordelia high-fiving each other about some spell or potion they just managed to work on but one of them pulled the other one closer and they got way too close for your liking. As soon as Cordelia saw you standing there, she distanced herself from Misty and smiled at you. '
'Hi, there sweetheart'' she greeted you and Misty simply took a step back, smiled politely and things turned even more awkward after this. Without ever saying anything, Misty and Cordelia knew that there were these underlying feelings they had for each other, long before Misty's passing. They never had to speak about it to know that they have a special meaning in each other's lives.
Misty tried explaining it by Cordelia and the academy eventually saving her and her finding her tribe and that's why she would feel these things whenever she was close to Cordelia either back then before you were around or when she returned to the academy. Cordelia tried seeing Misty as any other student but it was quite adamant even back then that the blonde has and always had a soft spot for Misty and that nothing or no one, not even you could change that.
You still remember one of the first conversations with your friends about it, Madison being against it from the start saying ''There is no way she would leave you for that swamp witch'' but deep down remembering how they used to talk to each other, used to touch each other and how Cordelia cried for hours after Misty passed in her arms and how the grieve almost consumed her but Madison didn't want to believe it herself back then.
Zoe was the one that took your concern and prediction more careful and seriously. She placed her hand on your shoulder in a comforting manner, trying to give you some advice like maybe observing for a little longer or even approaching Cordelia about it. After that conversation with them, you returned to your room that night, hoping to find Cordelia there and being able to speak to her about your concern, praying deep down she will tell you that you are just reading this wrong and that there is not a bit of truth in it.
However, when you actually got to the room late at night, she wasn't there and that's when everything started crumbling. You didn't question it or decide to go and look for her because you feared and asmued the worst, her being with Misty somewhere, doing god knows what. You would always find her in bed the next morning but the main difference was that she wasn't wrapped in your arms like before.
Her blonde curls wouldn't fall losely around her pillow and your face and tickle you in the process. You wouldn't be woken up by her kisses or soft whispered love confessions, there was silence. That silence stayed for a while and things became strange between you two and at some point you started seeing Cordelia as a stranger again, someone that you didn't know or recognize anymore. Her warmth and tenderness suddenly gone out of your life as it was ripped out without a warning.
Maybe the universe sent you a warning the day that Misty returned but you never dared to mention it at the beginning way too scared to loose Cordelia in the process. Eventually you hoped that your worst fears would come true, that you would walk in on them kissing or something, so your buzzing mind would finally calm down and all the overthinking and assuming the worst would just be stopped.
Everytime someone knocked on the door, you hoped it was Misty and Cordelia, walking in together wanting to speak to you about them not being able to hide it any longer, that you are a nuisance and that they need you gone. You were unaware back then that all of those scenarios in your head never actually happened, at least not until after you left the academy a while later. That Cordelia didn't spend all those nights with Misty, that most of them she spent them in her office because the guilt was killing her. Her own feelings towards you and Misty consumed the usual strong and confident woman and suddenly she turned into the old Cordelia, so insecure, so unsure what to do and not wanting to hurt anyone, unaware that the silence is hurting you more than the truth.
Eventually everyone at the coven noticed, how you would avoid Misty whenever she spoke or walked into a room or how you and Cordelia seemed so distant with each other. No more cute whispered love confessions around the academy, both of you acting all shy and goofy around each other.
No more touchiness and Cordelia's hands either resting on your shoulders, your head or her hand reaching for yours under the dinner table. ''Ugh gross'' Madison would often say but everyone thought it was quite adorable and soft indeed. But it changed, you barely showed up to gatherings or dinner anymore because the glares between Cordelia and Misty killed you inside.
It was like secret love confessions just through their eyes and it caused this empty and lonely feeling inside you. For a while you thought you were going absolutely crazy until Madison pointed it out. She was the last straw, her doubt at the beginning always holding you back and thinking you are just simply insane or something. But then she found you one night, sitting on a bench in the gardens of the academy.
Her emphatetic look and the cigarette she offered, were a silent confirmation of what you feared all along. You had lost her and you had lost her ever since the blonde swamp witch walked right back into the gates of this coven. ''I think it's time for me to go Madison'' you said as you inhaled the toxic fumes of the cigarette. ''What do you mean?'' she asked a bit dumbfounded and slightly shocked. ''Leave the academy, I can't keep doing this anymore and I know she can never truly be happy with me here'' you said, tears forming in your eyes.
''Y/N you can't just leave and set her free like that, you gotta fight for her, get her to look at you that way again and not let anyone stand in your way'' she tried to motivate you and tried to get your sense of fighting back but something within you died long ago.
You realized that maybe Cordelia never had the purpose of being your soulmate or fixing your broken soul at the time you joined the academy. Maybe she was just a little guide on your journey of self love and discovering who you truly are and what powers you have. That night you decided to give it one more try and if it truly wouldn't work with her anymore, you would leave and accept the academy was only another temporary home with people that would stay in your life regardless, either through their actions or the memories you had shared with them.
Somehow Madison made you feel so confident, like you really wanted to fight for Cordelia but you were disappointed as soon as you walked into the bedroom. The supreme sat there quietly on her bed, hands folded in her lap and tears forming in her eyes.
You walked inside, closed the door and knelt in front of her, trying to reach for her hand but she pulled away. ''Delia what is going on?'' you asked worry and concern filling your features. Usually your girlfriend would always let you in, telling you about things no matter how small or big they seem to you and to her but that night she kept quiet. You debated whether to say something but you felt like this was now or never. ''Is this about Misty?'' you asked your voice shaking in the process and Cordelia's brown eyes instantly locked with yours.
''No of course not Y/N, we are just friends'' she tried convincing you but mostly herself. ''But Dee you used to look at me that way, used to touch me that way and used to spend that time with me'' you tried explaining and desperately getting some answers out the supreme.
''You are paranoid Y/N'' she told you and that's the last proper conversation you had with her. You went to bed that night you and her turned back to back, not speaking a single word and silence filling the usual noisy bedroom where conversations were being held. You couldn't sleep at all that night and with all you had, you tried to not take the coward way out and just leave.
However a few days later you realized there wasn't much of a point anymore, you were at the academy for such a long time and you learned pretty much everything. Your only purpose was to teach others and be around your friends there. It only took you a few days to make the final decision and Queenie but especially Zoe and Madison were devasted.
They tried to convince you to stay but both of them knew deep down that this was the right choice, not for Cordelia and Misty but for your wellbeing and soul. You sat with them the entire night in their room, remembering all you had been through together so far and how none of you ever had meaningful friendships like this.
Of course you three cried together, held each other but eventually it was time to say goodbye. It broke you in a way that you had never been broken before, leaving the academy and walking out what you thought might be your forever home. You said your goodbyes to the witches in the evening, not wanting more tears in the morning.
Thankfully the morning you left Cordelia wasn't in the bedroom and didn't notice your packing. She was in her office, after falling asleep in there, the thoughts so loud and the guilt so strong that she couldn't face you anymore. You packed your stuff and walked to her office in the early morning hours.
A knock awoke the supreme and she quickly composed herself and said ''Come in''. You walked in with your bag in hand and she instantly knew. ''Y/N?'' she asked surprised and with one look at your bag she instantly knew what was about to happen and what she initially caused to happen. ''I think we know where this is headed Dee'' you whispered, trying hard to fight the tears back but part of you hoping she would at least let you in on the truth now. She simply nodded and looked down, tears streaming down her beautiful face and you almost caught them and wiped them away but just almost.
''Thank you for everything, helping me with my magic and giving me a home'' you said not being able to control the tears yourself. She looked at you so conflicted and for a moment you thought you saw the old Cordelia, fighting inside of her to not let you go but you both knew it had to be this way. ''I love you Y/N'' she said through tears, her chin quivering and her eyes locking with yours. ''I love you too Delia'' you said and those are the last words you ever exchanged after just calling it quits and leaving the academy.
It hurt like hell when you took a bus to nowhere, you didn't even look where it was headed and your head was filled with questions. You couldn't comprehend how she still didn't talk to you, didn't try to get you to stay and even through all this silence you knew it had to happen. You did the only thing you know you could, picking yourself up.
Of course it took a while to heal but you did what you usually did, seeing where life decides to take you and going along with it. Eventually you went through a lot of citys both small and big and ended up in sunny LA.
It took a while to actually get there but no other places seemed to give you a sense of home or belonging. You had always liked the beach and with your degree you managed to find a job. The academy and Cordelia would often be on your mind and Zoe's messages checking up on you or Madison's instragam posts and stories, hurt and sent you memories and flashbacks all over again but you learnt to deal with it because what other option did you have?
Only about two weeks later it consumed you again when Zoe called her voice laced with empathy and sadness. ''I know this is painful but I thought I should let you know that you were right all along, they are together'' she informed you and somehow it didn't even surprise you. Part of you felt relieved that you weren't paranoid after all and that running away was the best choice even if it was painful.
That you did give Cordelia the freedom she needed to be with who she truly desired to be and who could make her as happy as you once did. That phone call was the final piece you needed to finally move on and build a life somewhere else without always thinking about the events of the past years and you learnt to appreciate the time you had with them there instead of regretting it. Of course you were terrified of ever returning and maybe it took you almost a year because you needed to truly heal and learn how to rid your heart of that pain.
''Y/N I'm sorry I just really want to clarify some things'' the blonde says and walks over to you again after shutting the door and Misty leaving. You snap out of your thoughts and the flashback of your last conversation with her and you think to yourself
''Funny how you want to clarify after a whole year and not back then'' but you didn't say those words, not wanting to cause any arguments or bad blood because that's the least you would ever want.
''Okay Dee, I am here to listen'' you say calmy because you are indeed curious what she has to say. Cordelia sits down at her desk again, giving you a compassionate smile and placing her hands on her desk, fiddling with her rings nervously.
Something that catches your attention is that she is wearing the same frog rings she usually wore, back when you were still together but there is a new ring. Your heart stops beating for a second when you see the ring with a little diamond attached to her ring finger. For a moment you debate whether they would have actually got married or engaged already but you quickly push the thoughts away when Cordelia starts talking.
''I want to explain this to you Y/N'' Cordelia starts and you take a deep breath bracing yourself for what painful truth you might learn now. ''I never understood my feelings towards Misty, not years ago before she passed and not when she was brought back to us'' she starts explaining and as you scan her features you see nothing but honesty and not a single lie between those words.
Cordelia seems different and as if she accepted that all those white little lies she used to use aren't going to make anything better, quite the opposite in fact. ''I never meant to lie to you or-'' she carries on but this time you can't keep quiet and you have to speak your mind. ''How come you did? how come you told me you two were friends?'' you blurt out which causes Cordelia to look at you with a slightly shocked expression.
''It sure as hell doesn't look like friends now does it?'' you add but instantly regret your word choice. ''Sorry Delia I- '' you quickly take back the words without noticing you just used her nickname.
Cordelia's breath hitches not just because of your words but also the name. She was always used of people calling her that, when she was young in school, Fiona or Myrtle but for some reason it never sounded special to her or it never made her feel anything apart from when you used it for the first time and it left your beautiful lips.
''I don't mean to argue I just want to-'' you start but Cordelia nods and stops you ''Y/N I understand truly, you have no need to apologize at all'' she reassures you with a forced smile, trying to swallow the pain.
Cordelia glances at you in an effort to read you, not with her magic like she had done plenty of times in the past but just by your features. You still have the same dimples and creases that she always secretly loved whenever you were irritated or annoyed.
''I am the one who owes you an apology'' she carries on which causes you to take your eyes of her fiddling hands and lock eyes with her. ''I know I will never be able to apologize for hurting you the way that I did but I want to thank you Y/N'' Cordelia says which only adds to the confusion you feel in this moment.
''You were always there for me no matter how I was feeling and you loved me, the way no one has ever done before, you loved me at my worst'' she says her voice now cracking and tears threating to spill from her beautiful brown eyes at any moment.