Charlie
My feet were glued to the ground, unable to move. The second I heard her say my name I knew this was a mistake. Why did I listen to those idiots? And what was I thinking about coming here without a plan? What am I supposed to say why I came to see her? To profess my love to her?
I can't.
Even if my friends were right and she does feel the same way. I still feel too guilty to do anything about it. I have to talk to Bill first. I have to go and see him and I have to confess what I've done. If I make it out of there alive, then perhaps I'll think about it. It depends on how he'll feel about the whole situation.
The worst part was that due to us not talking and Rhylee not mentioning anything, I had no idea if he ever got around to asking her out or if they were together. I would know if they were, right? But then again, Rhylee was very private about her life in England and Bill hasn't written to me for far longer than I would like to admit. The only thing I knew is that he was in the Order like I was and that he has taken a desk job at Gringotts, leaving everything behind in Egypt.
The fact that I admired him for it was an understatement. He gave up his job to be closer to home, to help out with the Order as much as he could and what was I doing? Feeling sorry for myself and beating my head over the fact that I am drifting further away from my family every single day.
Bill was the better man, he always was. That's why I need to talk to him before I do anything else. It's time to man up, Charlie, and own up to your fucking mistakes.
"Good evening," I said, grinning like an idiot.
"What are you doing here, Charlie?" She looked exhausted.
We have been pretty busy working on the case but I know she loved every minute of that and I had a hunch that something else was wrong. Her eyes were puffy and she had a handkerchief in her hand. Was she crying?
"The guys missed drinking with you so I came to see if everything's okay." It terrified me how good of a liar I was becoming.
"I'm fine. Just...tired." She tried desperately to hide the handkerchief behind her back.
She smiled weakly and invited me inside.
"Can I make you some tea?" She asked softly.
"That would be great." Merlin's beard did I want to ask her what was wrong but I didn't want to intrude on her privacy.
If it was about the trial or the dragon she would've told me by now.
I sat on the sofa cross-legged and leaned on the side of it, observing her making the tea. My eyes were scanning her body, every inch of it imprinting on my brain. She was wearing a sleeveless shirt and pajama shorts and for some reason woolen socks even though it was the middle of May.
Damn, it irritates me that I can't find the words to describe how beautiful she is. Extraordinary would come close. She was so graceful moving around her small kitchen, even though she wasn't radiating her usual confidence.
"Here you go." Her voice brought me back to reality.
"Thanks," I murmured.
She sat down next to me, one of her legs over my crossed one. Why did she have to be so affectionate and why did I have to overthink it every time?
"You know what I never asked you?" She said, her eyes on her cup.
I simply hummed to make her continue.
"How do you like Fleur?" She blew on her tea.
"Fleur?" I repeated the name.
Who in the bloody hell is Fleur?
"Bill's girlfriend?" She chuckled upon seeing my reaction.
Bill's girlfriend? Bill has a girlfriend? I don't know what hurt more. The fact that I didn't know, that he didn't tell me, or that she knew and I didn't.
"You don't know?" Regret of telling me formed on her face.
"Emm..." I swallowed hard. How am I supposed to tell her that Bill and I haven't seen each other since the Christmas I met her? "Bill and I had a bit of a fallout." Saying that out loud felt like someone pierced my chest with an arrow.
"Oh." She put her hand over her mouth.
I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to know more but didn't dare to ask. She knew Bill was my best friend and I hated that she felt sorry for me. I don't deserve it.
"I thought you were dating Bill." If I was going to talk to him, I have to get as much information as possible.
Did he ever talk to her like he planned? Did he ever tell her how he felt about her?
"Me and Bill?" She bowed her head. "No. Nothing ever happened between us." She said, shaking her head.
I felt like a piece of shit. This was because of me, wasn't it? Because of the mistake, I've made.
"He did ask me out." I could barely understand her words as she mumbled into her cup. "But I said no." Her voice broke.
"Please tell me that you did it because we..."
"And what if I did?" She interrupted me.
Rhylee, don't say stuff like this to me. You know I won't be able to resist kissing you.
"I said no because I meant it when I told you I only see him as a friend. I always did. I didn't lie to you and I didn't lie to him." She quickly continued when she saw my eyes widen. "And also because," she swallowed thickly, "because of what happened between us."
Silence fell upon us as neither of us said anything. She was waiting for me to reply and I didn't know what to say back. This didn't make me feel good. I was proud of Bill for gathering the courage and asking her out and I felt sorry for him at the same time because she turned him down. I should've been there for him when that happened. I can't imagine how he had to feel.
"Charlie, listen..." With her head still down, she leaned closer to me.
Rhylee, what are you doing?!
"If you don't know about Fleur and that Bill asked me out..." Her voice broke again.
What was she not telling me?
"I think I'm the reason Bill stopped talking to you." A single tear ran down her right cheek but she quickly brushed it away as if I couldn't see it. "When he asked me out and I said no, I panicked. I knew I hurt his feelings and it pained me to do so because he's such a sweetheart. I didn't know what I was saying. I was trying to find excuses why I couldn't be with him and..."
Oh, please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going.
"Rhy, what did you do?" I whispered.
I didn't have the strength to be louder, my heart beating hard against my chest.
"I told him we slept together." She pushed away from me and buried her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry, Charlie. I...I know it wasn't my place to tell and I probably ruined your relationship and I know how close you two were and you have to know..." She sobbed. "You have to know I didn't want to come between you. I didn't and I am so so sorry."
Without thinking twice about it I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight against my body while she muffled her crying with her head in my shoulder. Everything made sense now. It was crystal clear why Bill wasn't talking to me. I knew he had to know about us since his letters became rarer and rarer but I didn't want to believe it. It might be tearing me apart and I might feel guilty but I would bear all the pain in the world if it meant for him to be happy. I was never the person to hurt anyone, let alone my family, my brother.
"Shh..." I was searching for words while stroking her hair. I had to say something, this was clearly on her consciousness for a long time. "It's okay. I don't blame you. He would've found out sooner or later."
She nodded her head and I could feel her body relaxing in my arms.
"The whole thing's my fault and I know I'm a horrible brother for letting it get this far." I inhaled sharply. "I'm planning on taking a few days off to go and see him," I explained. "I want my brother back," I whispered more to myself than to her.
She lifted her head so abruptly that she almost bumped into my chin. I reacted quickly, jerking my head backward. We were so close to one another. Too close and I was too weak for this. I felt like shaking but I knew I had to keep it together.
Charlie, you can't. You have to talk to Bill first.
How could she look ravishing even when she was crying? Without really knowing what I was doing I leaned closer to her and she did the same.
Did I try stopping myself?
I did. But I couldn't.
I didn't want to.
Not anymore.
Our lips brushed – touching so slightly that it tickled me. In the name of everything magical, I had no idea how deep my desire to kiss her was.
I...I can't. I have to wait.
If I could resist and torture myself for such a long time, I have to endure for a while longer. The second I come home today I am checking my team's schedule to see when I can get a few days off. I need to talk to Bill. I need to get my life together and when I come back I need to be with her.
I tried pulling away from her. I really did.
We weren't kissing, but she didn't move away either, our foreheads pressed together. I could feel the tension between us. The curiosity of what would happen if our bodies crashed together. I couldn't make the decision. I was simply not strong enough.
"Charlie, we can't." She decided for me.
Her breath brushed my lips as a summer breeze. She hastily pulled away as if remembering something and I followed her lead.
"I'm sorry...I..." I didn't know what to say. I knew why I wanted to pull away but I had no idea what was going through her head. "I thought you wanted me to." I breathed.
I had nothing to lose by being honest with her.
"I know." She looked away, biting her lip. "I know." She repeated, more to herself than to me.
She took a deep breath and wrinkled her face as if she was going to regret what she'll say next. "I'm seeing someone."
If someone was in the kitchen I would say that they dropped something made out of glass and it shattered all over the floor. But it was just my heart, breaking inside my chest. She was seeing someone? And she told me this after lingering over my lips for a solid minute?
What kind of a game was this? What was she thinking? What was she doing or better yet why? This was a new level of cruelty. It was brutal. I felt like someone ripped my heart right out of my chest.
I was still getting over the fact that we almost kissed – how close we were. My heart barely calmed down from that and she throws this bombshell on me?
"His name is Nick." She continued.
I don't care what his fucking name is, Rhylee!
"We started dating a month before I started working here." She didn't stop.
This was the first time I wanted her to shut up. I didn't want to hear any details.
A month before she started working here? She was joking, right? This had to be a joke. She had a boyfriend the entire time. All this time I didn't make a move because I felt so guilty about Bill and she was in a relationship?
Then what were all the mixed signals she was sending me?
All the silence?
Every time I caught her looking at me?
Gazing into my eyes?
All the unspoken words that never left her lips?
What was that about? She's going to tell me that all of that was just something friends do? Because it bloody well didn't feel like friendship to me!
What about every time she hugged me or leaned on me? Or the fact that she sobbed into my shoulder when she told me about Kyan? I didn't see her doing that with anybody else here. Were those just friendly gestures too?
I didn't know how to feel. I felt numb as if my body was shutting down. What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to reply? I didn't know if I was sad, frustrated, miserable, or angry. Probably all at the same time. I was mad at her. Furious, to be more specific. She claimed that she's the type of girl who doesn't play with anyone's feelings, then what is she doing to me?
"He's," she hesitated for a moment, "nice."
Is it ridiculous to say that I didn't believe that? Is it insane that I still had hope? That even though I felt my heart breaking I somehow wasn't bothered by it at the same time. I hated all these feelings. All the emotions which I can't explain. I hate that I don't know what they mean.
This was all too much. I need to get out of here! I can't sit on her sofa, in her hut and pretend that I am not completely shocked by her words. I can't be around her. For the first time, I wanted to get away from her. For the first time, I couldn't stand being near her.
Is it wrong to wish that she told me about this sooner? Why didn't she? Why did she wait for more than half a year to tell me this? She started working here in September. It's May, for fuck sake! Why did it come up now? Did she expect something to happen between us again and she waited for the right moment to crush my heart?
I didn't know how to feel about her right now. She looked so innocent, waiting for me to say something. I didn't. I couldn't trust myself not to say something harsh or to shout at her. She had to know I had feelings for her. I know I never said anything but I wasn't exactly hiding it either.
"He started working in Gringotts last March and we started dating in August."
Why does she keep pushing it? Why does she think I want to know this?
"I'm happy for you." I surprised myself at how sincere I sounded. I didn't feel happy for her. "Look, you're right." I got up. "I crossed the line and I'm sorry." I started walking toward the door.
"Charlie, wait!" My hand was on the doorknob, waiting for what she has to say but nothing came out of her mouth.
"Don't worry about telling, Bill." I turned to her and bestowed her with a weak smile. "I'll talk to him."
I opened the door and stormed out. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I wanted to go home, change and go for a run but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop running. I had to do something. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I wanted to scream and shout and throw stuff around. I wanted to bang my head against a wall and take my heart out to stop the pain.
I felt sorry for myself as much as I was pissed off. I brought this on myself. I should have never had slept with her. It ruined my relationship with Bill. It ruined me. It ruined everything. I was happy before I met her. I loved my life and liked my lifestyle.
Did I want to meet someone like her? Yes.
Did I long to have a deep connection with someone? Yes.
Did I ever think it would be so hard and so excruciatingly painful? No.
I thought love is supposed to be easy. I thought it's supposed to bring you warmth and make your brain all fussy. It's supposed to bring you joy and give your butterflies. Not make you want to be fed to one of the dragons.
"Charlie!"
I really can't catch a break, can I?
I turned around and saw Andrew, John, Evan, and Theo approaching me, waving.
"How did it go?" Asked John before they even reached me.
"Did you tell her?" Theo wanted to know.
"Did you kiss her?" Andrew smirked.
"She has a boyfriend." I know I sounded bitter but I didn't care.
"What?" John's face sank.
"You're joking!" Theo said incredulously.
"If you don't believe me, you can go ask her yourself." I spat out. "Meanwhile, I'm going to sleep and..." I headed toward my hut. "And if you mention her or my feelings ever again, I will fucking feed you to Ren," I said over my shoulder, leaving them behind, astounded.
I didn't care what they thought. I didn't care how harsh I sounded. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I took my time walking to my hut. The fresh air made me feel better. My head was completely blank. What would I even think about? Now, more than ever did I miss Bill. Merlin's beard did I miss him! Is this how he felt when I wasn't there for him when Rhylee told him everything?
Great, now I feel even worse. How did my life turn around so quickly? How did everything become such a mess? I didn't know how to get out of this. Perhaps I deserved pain. I just knew one thing. I have to talk to Bill. I have to make up with him. I will beg for his forgiveness. I will kneel before him if need be. Now, more than ever, did I realize how important family is and how foolish I was for what I've done that night at the Burrow.
Family comes first and I needed too long to figure that out. I needed too long to see what is important. Nothing matters more than family. Nobody will be by your side as your family when something like this happens. Nobody will get even close to understanding as they will.
And I couldn't even tell them. I don't even want to know what they thought of me. I always wrote to them that I can't come home because we were so busy here. I made up stupid lies to hide the fact that I was a complete scumbag. That I hurt my older brother and affected my whole family because of it. I know they miss me and I have been selfish for not showing up at home. What a sibling I was for not taking care of them!
I don't think I was ever so disappointed in myself. Did I really need more than 2 years to realize that this went too far?
2 years and 5 months...
That's how long I haven't talked to Bill. That's how fucking long I needed to muster the courage and decide to visit him and talk to him. Was that how you treat your brother? Was that how you behave when you're an adult? I was ashamed of myself and if I could I would beat the complete shit out of myself.
I hope Bill will do it. I hope he breaks my nose and sets me straight. I would deserve every punch and I would gladly take it.
This was my breaking point.
I unlocked my front door and shut them behind me with such a force that for a second I thought the windows were going to shatter. It definitely wouldn't be the only thing breaking tonight.
I took off my clothes and went to take a shower. The water pouring over me was so hot that it burnt my skin but I didn't care. It covered the tears that were running down my face. I didn't even know why I was crying. Because of the heartbreak or for feeling so guilty. I just knew I couldn't hold them in any longer. All of this was too much. Too overwhelming, too painful to handle.
I was a simple man. I wanted my dream job. I wanted a simple life, living somewhere in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nature. I wanted a simple girl who I could ask out without thinking twice about it and she would gladly say yes.
Without drama.
Without secrets and regrets.
A simple girl who would love me just as much as I would love her. Somebody that would enjoy spending time with me and have a family with me.
That was all.
And what did I have?
A broken heart.
A girl that will never be mine.
And a brother for which I didn't even know if he will ever want to talk to me again.
Damn, was I living a different life from what I imagined to have.