Intrusive thoughts were unwanted and repetitive in nature, they pop into one's brain without warning. These type of thoughts had plagued Nina's mind well before joining SHIELD and the tragic events of Cambodia. She'd always had thoughts sneak into her mind without her consent, whether they be irrational beliefs or the phrases of the people she'd lost.
Intrusive thoughts were a symptom of OCD.
Nina didn't think she had OCD.
Though she was well aware that she probably wouldn't realise if she did.
Nina wasn't compulsive and the adjective that explained her perfectly was impulsive. Which was why she sat, handcuffed to Coulson's desk, ignoring Ward's voice echoing through her head telling her he'd killed the man she'd planned a future with.
"Are you sure the um... cuffs are necessary?" Skye asked as she rocked back and forth on her heels, feeling the tension in the room. Nina broke her staring contest with the monitor, displaying a bandaged up Ward, to answer the question.
"If you don't want me to kill Director Coulson, then yes. Very necessary," Nina answered ignoring the look Coulson gave her from the corner of the room.
When Nina had woken up from her ICER induced sleep, she'd found herself on a gurney in Coulson's office being overseen by Simmons. Nina had ordered the scientist to cuff her to the desk before Skye and Coulson walked in. Simmons had tried to argue against the command but once she saw the seriousness in Nina's face, she complied and chained up the female before leaving.
Just like Nina didn't trust herself during her panic attack, she didn't trust herself with zero restrictions while anger filled her body. She figured killing Coulson wouldn't go over well with Natasha and making an enemy of the russian wasn't the wisest idea.
"I didn't want you to find out like this," Coulson said. Nina tensed at the sound of his voice and she turned her head to stare at him.
"You mean you didn't want me to find out at all," she hissed, clenching the hand of her bound wrist into a fist before relaxing it, "you had no right keeping something like that from me."
"There was no good way to tell you," Coulson said calmly as he watched Nina strain slightly against the metal encasing her skin.
"Plainly," Nina spat out, "I don't know what I was like last year for you all to look at me like I'm a stranger now but I know for a fact that for me to be on any team there couldn't be any ambiguity. You could've just said it. Ward killed Tobias. Just like that and this could've been avoided."
"I didn't think you were ready to know."
"Ready to know?" Nina scoffed as she glared at him. She was seething but Coulson could still make out the sadness in her eyes, "I spent 3 years, looking for the man who killed Tobias. I gave up on avenging my fiancé to be your fucking hitman and you didn't think I needed to know that my best friend killed Toby... tried to kill me."
"There was no telling how you'd take it," Coulson responded as a figurine on his desk fell to the floor. Nina had yanked her arm forward, tugging the desk with her and moving it a few inches, "you weren't in the right mindset."
"Read my file, I haven't been in the right fucking mindset for years," she hissed, ignoring the watering in her eyes as she heard Ward confess over and over again in her head, "I thought he was dead and I mourned him! I mourned him and he killed... he killed him. He killed... he... oh God..."
Nina seemed to break down directly in front of Coulson and Skye, the facade that'd been holding her together dissolving right before their eyes. Skye turned around once she noticed, granting Nina some privacy for a moment the hacker knew was personal.
Coulson just stood there, frozen and unaware of what to do. Last year, he wouldn't have hesitated before taking the women in his arms and comforting her but Nina had made it very clear that she didn't like being touched.
Instead, Coulson walked towards her, crouching in front of the woman as silent tears ran down her cheeks and as her shoulders personified her pain. He didn't get close enough to evade her personal space but he stayed a safe enough distance to let Nina know she wasn't alone.
"I'm sorry," Coulson whispered as the tears slowed, "I was just trying to protect you, I'm sorry."
"Everyone's sorry." Nina snapped at the apology, tugging at the cuffs once more, "Tony's sorry for letting me join SHIELD even though it was my choice. Hunter's sorry for stealing my mother even though I question every day whether she wanted me in the first place. May's sorry for not saving me, Simmons is sorry for letting me go fucking insane. Hell, Rogers and Banner are sorry and I barely even know them. Everyone's fucking sor-"
"Nina," Coulson said softly as he noticed her frantic movement and accelerated breathing, "hey, you're okay. Concentrate on your breathing. You're okay and you're safe."
Nina nodded shakily before clenching her fists. Coulson saw the exact moment her nails dug into the reopened scars on her palms but he chose not to mention it. Nina took a few deep breaths and shook her head, almost shaking the panic out of her brain.
"Everyone's sorry," she whispered, "but no one's sorry enough to tell me why."
"You know why," Skye decided to join the conversation, turning back around to face the pair, "you died."
"That's not why," Nina was quick to shoot down the hacker's answer, "Natasha wouldn't look at me with such pity if the only thing I lost was my life."
"Nina-"
"What happened last year?" Nina cut off Coulson, "what was I last year?"
Happy. They so desperately wanted to say.
Loved and in love. Skye wanted to scream at her.
Not alone. Coulson desired to tell her.
They were spared the awkwardness of finding the right way to phrase their answers as a phone icon covered Ward's face on the monitor. Coulson sighed in relief and answered the call. Nina expected to see the caller but instead, the screen went black and May's voice echoed through the room.
"Coulson," she said and the director struggled to hide his happiness at hearing her voice, "what's the situation?"
"I struck a deal with the Senator," Coulson answered, turning to look at Nina to gauge her reaction, "he'll reverse his anti-SHIELD proposal in exchange for his brother."
"Long time coming," May answered to which, Nina glared at the black screen before speaking up.
"You knew about him too," Nina rolled her eyes, "you were the last person I expected to be lying to me, May."
"Nina?" May said, quite surprised to hear her voice. She worried for a second that she'd given something away but considering Coulson hadn't warned her of Nina's presence, she assumed it was fine, "I never lied to you about anything."
"No, you only didn't tell me that Ward tried to kill me and did kill Tobias," Nina said with a pout. She clicked at Skye and the hacker threw a pair of keys at her. Nina snatched the keys out of the air and uncuffed herself.
Coulson took a noticeable step back at that and Nina couldn't blame him for being apprehensive.
"You never asked," May said. Coulson was a little surprised by the childish answer but he quickly got over the shock when he remembered the Cavalry and Executioner were most comfortable with each other.
"Well, I'm asking now. What happened last year?"
Coulson heard the determined tone in Nina's voice and the lack of an immediate refusal from May told him she was deciding whether to truthfully answer the question or not.
"Later," Coulson said as Nina stood up, "have you landed in Belgium yet?"
"No," May answered and Coulson turned to give Nina a look. Nothing he planned to share with May was classified but he also knew that giving up Ward wouldn't sit well with Nina and right now he'd rather save the lives of hundred SHIELD agents than answer her questions.
Nina simply looked back at Coulson, matching the energy he was giving her before clicking her tongue and turning away.
"Well as an abandoned kid... I knew when I'm not wanted," she said, her words eliciting a soft gasp from Skye, a worried look from Coulson and absolutely no reaction from May.
"Nina-" he stared but Nina stopped him with a raised hand as she reached his office door and grabbed the handle.
"Save it. I really don't want to hear your justifications right now."
"I was just trying to protect you," Coulson still said as Nina threw open the door.
"Your first mistake was thinking I needed your protection," she responded as she walked out of the room, but not before saying one last thing that hurt Coulson more than he wanted to admit, "you're not my father boss, stop acting like it."
*
The concept of best friends was such a funny thing to Fitz. As a child he didn't really have one, being the awkward smart kid with a father like his, didn't exactly encourage his faith in people.
That was until he met Simmons.
Another European surrounded by a bunch of Americans with a genius-level intellect. They'd gotten along wonderfully and as years passed, Fitz suddenly understood why having a best friend was so important.
He was lucky to have Simmons... that's why it hurt so much for them to no longer communicate the way they used to.
Simmons had walked into the lab to ask Fitz for his input on the weapons she was tracking but after a catastrophic attempt of understanding each other, she'd run out in tears. Mack had come in a few seconds later, catching the biochemist's tears and seeing the ones growing in the engineer's eyes. Fitz hadn't given the man the chance to speak before leaving as well.
He'd been trying to collect his thoughts and convince himself that things would get better as he wandered through the hallways. Agents looked at him, mostly with pity as they whispered to each other, but Fitz had gotten used to ignoring them.
He wondered if Nina got the same treatment because as sad as his condition was, some would describe hers as tragic.
Fitz had been walking for a while and when he found himself in a desolate stairway, he decided it was time to head back to his lab or bunk. Though before he could act on that decision, he heard soft whimpers coming from around the corner.
The engineer instantly tensed. He'd never been good at dealing with other people's emotions and with his inability to say what he meant, he believed he would only make it worse.
Alas, he couldn't just leave. His mother had raised him better than that.
"He-hello," Fitz called out, stepping towards the sound. The whimpering quietened at his voice and Fitz heard frantic shuffling.
"I'm sorry!" a young voice echoed along the walls as a teenager came into Fitz's view. His head was lowered, almost as if he was bowing, as his body shook softly, "I got lost. I promise I didn't touch anything, please don't punish me."
"P-punish you?" Fitz asked confused, "this is a b-big building. N-no one is going to punish you for getting a little lost."
Fitz watched as the boy's shoulders tensed and his head was slowly raised. He kept back a gasp as he watched the teenager's eyes match every colour of the rainbow, showing no signs of slowing down.
"You're not?" he asked and Fitz shivered slightly when he felt the temperature of the room drop and the slight wind passing through his hair.
It didn't take long for him to realise that this boy was Seven, the stalker Nina had brought back and the boy that had wrecked the lab not too long ago.
"Of course not," Fitz managed a smile. Seven was important enough to Nina for her to save him, which made the teenager important to Fitz as well, "you said you were l-lost, where was it you were trying to go?"
"The kitchen," Seven answered quietly, picking at his nails subconsciously and praying that his ever-changing eyes would settle back to his normal blue, "Miss Nina said she'd get breakfast but she didn't come back. I went to look for her but there were so many people and it was so loud."
Fitz smiled softly as Seven said Miss Nina he thought the address was cute especially because he knew that Nina hated being referred to as anything other than Agent, Ramos and Nina. The fact that she hadn't corrected Seven yet meant she already cared about the boy she'd saved.
The smile quickly faded when he remembered seeing Coulson carry an unconscious Nina through the door that led to the basement a few hours ago. Fitz quickly wondered if Nina had done tried to kill Ward as well, before focusing on the child in front of him.
"You came here for some peace?" Fitz asked and Seven nodded.
"I got overwhelmed," he muttered, smiling a little at the use of the new word, "I'm sorry."
"No need to apologise," Fitz said, walking towards the boy. Seven inhaled sharply as Fitz got closer and the engineer was sure to smile his brightest smile to ease the boy, "I get n-nervous around the other agents too."
"You do?"
Fitz just nodded, stopping a few steps away from Seven and introducing himself, "I'm Leo Fitz, you must be Seven."
"Leo?" Seven repeated before his face lit up, "Miss Nina told me about you."
"She did?" Fitz asked genuinely surprised as Seven nodded rapidly.
His eyes went completely white for a moment before landing on a crystal blue. The scientist tried his best not to gawk at the sight but Seven didn't mind, he found his changing eye colour both fascinating and irritating.
"She said if she had to leave I should stay with you," Seven told him, recalling a conversation he'd had with Nina before falling asleep, "Leo is safe, she said and that she'd want me to be safe."
"Oh," Fitz said a little flabbergasted despite the warmth that spread through his stomach. He liked that Nina still found his presence safe, even if she didn't remember why, "in that case, why don't I show you to the kitchen? I made a sandwich earlier, it's in the fridge if you want it."
"Really?" Seven perked up as his innocent eyes watched Fitz with an amazed look. The adult of the conversation nodded and gestured for Seven to follow him. He didn't expect the boy to take his hand the moment they entered the main hallway but he didn't let go.
They walked in silence towards the kitchen, Seven with a death grip on Fitz's hand every time an agent got too close to him or spared him a glance and Fitz with absolutely no idea what to do with a kid.
He couldn't help but think back to the letter sitting on his bedside table and smile softly to himself. From what Fitz heard going around the Playground, Seven hadn't warmed up to anyone other than Nina yet here he was, holding his hand and walking freely with him.
Maybe Nina and Fitz would be able to see how well they worked together. A set of parental figures, just not in the way Nina's letter suggested.
At least not yet, but there'd be time for that later.
In the future Fitz was hoping they could still have.
*
When Coulson knocked on Nina's door he wasn't expecting a response. He'd kept something so important to her a secret and he would've understood if she didn't want to see him, though she defied his expectations by muttering a quiet come in.
He entered the room, not sure what he was expecting to see. Coulson still wasn't certain of Nina's coping mechanisms, aside from the tapping she did when she couldn't act on her emotions, but he was pleasantly surprised to see her seated on the floor surrounded by papers and documents.
At first, he thought they were SHIELD files, but they were all had the same-titled inked on the top. The Bear Foundation.
"Before you ask, I'm fine," Nina said as she felt Coulson noticed her fist. It was clutching a white towel with specs of red dotted through it, "I punched a mirror."
Coulson just nodded, taking his gaze off her to look around the room. There were boxes in the corner, that had been delivered early in the morning. Its contents were Nina's stuff from her apartment and Coulson wasn't surprised to see that the only thing she'd unpacked was her weapons.
Her sheathed katanas rested against the wall, her knives rested on the floor (cleaned after their recent use) and she had a dozen guns laid out on her bed. He was a little surprised to see them, as he'd only seen Nina use the SHIELD issued glock whenever a gun was necessary.
"What are you working on?" Coulson asked after a shared moment of silence.
"The Bear Foundation," Nina muttered. Tony had let her know about her foundation a week after her funeral and Nina fell in love with it, doing work for it whenever she could, "do you know how hard it is to hire a CEO with common sense?"
"Can't say that I do, though Pepper Potts might have an idea," Coulson suggested to which Nina nodded, setting down the file that had been occupying her attention.
Nina was still yet to meet the woman who'd captured Tony's heart unless you counted passing out for overexertion the moment she walked into the room. Recovery had been a very strange time for the agent.
"I'll keep that in mind," she responded, rolling out her neck as she locked eyes with Coulson, "let's get to why you're here. If it's to apologise again, please leave."
"It's not," Coulson said and Nina gestured for him to continue, "we're transferring Ward into his brother custody in a few hours. If there's anything you want from him before then, now's your best chance."
"Can I shoot him?" she immediately asked and Coulson gave her a look, thinking for a moment before answering.
"Only if you aim for somewhere non-lethal."
"Pass," Nina said with a scoff at the audacity, "I'll just ask Christian."
"You know the senator?" Coulson asked surprised by the way she mentioned him so casually.
"Nope but I thought I knew Ward," Nina answered with a shrug, ignoring the pit in her stomach as she said his name, "and you can't fake that kind of hatred."
"Okay, well he'll be moving through the hallways in 3 hours," Coulson said to her as she reached out for a different file and began reading it, "if you change your mind-"
"I won't," she cut him off, resting the file on her knees as she grabbed her glasses from the nightstand and put them on.
Coulson just nodded, understanding that this was Nina telling him to leave. He turned to face the door but paused before he took a step towards it. He played back the moment Skye'd called him to tell him Nina found Ward and remembered the sense of relief that flooded his body before being replaced with guilt.
He wanted to protect Nina, he'd wanted to protect her from the moment he'd met her and he failed. Coulson was only now realising that lying to her, was him failing her once more and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
Nina had proved time and time again that she was one of the strongest people he'd ever met, and he couldn't continue insulting her by treating her otherwise.
"I picked you up from a bus stop in Lola, my cherry red 62 Chevy Corvette," Coulson said turning around. Nina looked at him with a bored look, not knowing the importance of his words, "you didn't want to be on a team but I blew your cover so you got in the car anyway. Fury called on the way to the airfield and gave you no choice-"
"What are you talking about?" Nina asked, as no events triggered memories in her head but Coulson just continued to speak.
"You met Skye, FitzSimmons and reunited with W-... May the same night. Your first mission with us involved an 084 that took us to the Peruvian jungle," Coulson continued as Nina's eyes widen as she realised what he was doing, "you got shot and someone I thought was my friend betrayed us. The day ended with a hole being blown in the side of the Bus and us visiting the slingshot. Richard Hall and Ian Quinn were next, this assignment involved a new substance. Gravit-"
"Coulson," Nina cut him off, looking at him with wide and innocent eyes. There was a faint smile on her lips as she suddenly realised how much she'd been wanting to know everything she was missing, "are you serious about this? because if you're not-"
"I am," Coulson interrupted, "I was trying to protect you but I know now that I mistook protection for secrets rather than the plain truth. I was wrong and I can't take back what's been done but I can change what happens from now on."
"Why the change of heart?"
"You were right. I'm not your father but that's not going to stop me from treating you like a daughter."
Nina looked down at his words, feeling utterly ashamed by what she said to him earlier.
"Boss, I-"
"I know," he said and Nina looked back up at his warm smile, "mind if I sit? We don't have long before the transfer and a lot happened last year."
"Of course," Nina said, going to move the weapons from her bed but Coulson stopped her with a hand, taking a seat beside her on the floor. She looked at him and smiled sheepishly before asking, "where do we start?"
"Usually from the beginning but I think you'd benefit from the most important parts first," Coulson said and Nina nodded, agreeing with him, "in that case. Nina... you fell in love."
It took a moment to process the information that left Coulson's mouth but once it did, Nina's eyes widened. She gulped, ignoring the sudden urge to throw up before spoeaking.
"I did what!?"