It was Wednesday. Two days to go before I had to settle the debt with Sam, and I wasn't any closer to finding a way out. If I had a bank account, I didn't know of it. The last few years had been all cash. My vivid imagination had done nothing to help me, instead I had conjured several different scenarios of how Sam would hurt me or even kill me. All of them were irrational and stemmed from a paranoid mind, but I was still afraid.
I was hiding in the apartment like I had for these past few days. I didn't dare step outside because the craving had been too big. It was a monster I couldn't control. A beast unleashed. I read books to keep my thoughts occupied, but I was out of good ones to read that I hadn't already gone through at least twice.
Sex. There was a lot of sex in the books, and I knew that sex was one of the fastest ways to get money on the street. I'd done it before, but only when I was high as a kite. I figured it would be very different if I wasn't jacked up.
My stomach rumbled, reminding me that I hadn't had anything to eat in days. I knew that went directly against what Marc had told me, but it didn't matter. He didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I was empty. Hollow. It wasn't a bad feeling, at least not entirely. It was familiar and reminded me of Jace.
I missed him.
At one point, I was sure I was in love with him, but the feeling melted away with another set of drugs. Still, it was the closest I'd ever been to love.
I sighed and opened my eyes to flee from my thoughts. Nothing good came out of thinking about Jace. It wasn't helping me, and it wasn't helping him.
The room was dark. I had blinds on every single window, and the only light in the entire apartment was the small display on the microwave. It read 9.45. I hoped it was PM rather than AM.
I couldn't discern the smell of the apartment anymore, so I was pretty sure it stank along with me. A shower would be nice, but it required me to actually rise from the bed. I hadn't planned on it, but then I probably should get up instead of giving up. I'd been through too much to let my life waste away holed up in a dark room.
Removing the blanket, my skin was exposed to the frigid air. It felt like someone had turned off the heating. Hopefully, it was just that I'd stayed too still for too long. The air wasn't moving around enough. Shivering, I made my way to the bathroom and turned on the lights. The white fluorescent glow strained my eyes, and for a while, I couldn't do anything besides blinking.
Fuck this, I thought and felt my way to the shower. I dropped my dirty boxers on the floor, stepped inside and opened my eyes to find the thermostat. The water was cold at first but warmed enough for me to take the final step into the falling rain. Yes, it was one of those showers, and I loved it. Without a doubt, it was the best feature of the entire apartment.
As the water warmed my cold, tired limbs, I continued to think about ways to get money that wouldn't get me into trouble. I knew I couldn't take a loan or any kind of credit for that matter, and I didn't have a single thing to pawn.
For a second, something flashed before my eyes. The box. When I saw it in Marc's house, I had been strong enough to resist taking anything. I hadn't even peeked even if I was sure there was something in there. My resolve was weakening, and I entertained the idea to go and have a look. Perhaps I could ask to come over.
The entire idea was repulsive, and I discarded it a second later. I didn't want to let Marc Matthews down. I wasn't sure exactly why, but I also didn't want to delve too deep into that question.
I washed my hair and scrubbed my skin until it felt raw while thinking about selling myself. That idea should have been more repugnant than "borrowing" something that I had every intention of giving back, but it wasn't. Sex is just sex, right?
So, I prepared myself. If I went out on the street, the least I could do was smell good. That way I had a chance of scoring someone who would pay me a bit more than 50 dollars. Given the right clothes, I knew I could get a rich dude who wanted nothing more than to bang a guy who might as well pass as jailbait. Those guys paid even better if you allowed them to be rough about it.
I guess I should have felt disgusted by their morals, but I didn't. Using drugs, using people, I didn't' feel like I was in any position to judge anyone.
The water turned cold, and I reluctantly stepped out and wiped myself dry with a towel. The mirror was covered in a thin film of water, keeping me from seeing anything of myself. I liked it that way. In one way it made me feel like I wasn't really there. I was just a figment of my own imagination. Not real.
I smiled. It felt odd, but then I did it again just to make sure I hadn't fooled myself the first time. I smiled because if I didn't believe in reality, then reality was limitless. I could do exactly what I wanted, like they did in The Matrix. Laws didn't apply.
My reality was simple. The only thing I had to do was put on some deodorant, brush my teeth, dress in my best clothes, and hope they would let me into Grand Escalier. There I would find the richest guy in the room and offer myself for the small price of 5000 dollars for a full night. Like I said: simple.
Fifteen minutes later, I was out of the apartment. I didn't have enough money for a cab, so I trudged through the thinning layer of snow toward the city center.
Thirty minutes of walking used to be nothing, but after lying down for two days straight without a proper meal, my body was protesting. Every step became a struggle, but the familiar lights ahead beckoned me to continue. It was no use giving up when I was so close.
I forgot the cold air that drove down my lungs and continued, step by step, until I was standing outside the infamous bar. The bouncers looked me up and down, so I stood as straight as I could. One of them looked at me funny.
"You're not old enough."
Not wavering in my stance, I fished out my id-card and handed it over. "I'm 23."
The bouncer gave my id to the other guy. He squinted, looked at me and gave it back with a nod.
"Fine, get inside." The bouncer opened the door and let me into the warmth. It welcomed me with open arms, and for a moment I stood there, thinking of how dreamlike it all appeared. It felt high even if I wasn't. Perhaps it was the lack of food. Everything still seemed fog-like.
"Sir, you have to leave your jacket."
I turned toward the voice and saw a middle-aged woman standing behind a counter. It felt weird that she called me 'Sir'. She wore a polite smile that didn't reach her eyes.
Reluctantly, I gave her my jacket, but not before getting my phone. It was the only life-line I had, and I wasn't letting it out of my sight until I felt safe. I placed it in my pocket and walked away, setting my course on the bar. Not that I had any money on me, but it didn't matter. I could ask for a glass of water while I stood on the one place where I could either pick someone up or avoid them entirely.
The place was already crowded even if it wasn't very late, and a Wednesday at that. Several guys had a look in their eyes that I remembered all too well. Like me, they were looking for a quick income tonight. None of them appeared to be far into their addiction yet, but things could turn quickly if given the right, or wrong, circumstances.
One sugardaddy later, and these guys would have a hard time getting back into a normal life.
I didn't want a sugardaddy, had never had one either, but I could see the appeal.
With a glass of water in hand, I stepped to the side and looked out across the room. Everything appeared just as hazy as before, but I did make out a few faces in the crowd. I wasn't looking for the good-looking ones; I was looking for the well-dressed ones. It wasn't the sex I was after, it was the money.
Ten minutes later, one of the men must have grown tired of my staring because he waved his hand, telling me to come. He was impatient. I could see it.
He patted his knee, and before I had time to hesitate I sat down and leaned into his chest like I knew I was supposed to. That way, onlookers would think we knew each other. Yeah right, as if everyone doesn't know what kind of place this is, I thought bitterly.
He brushed the shell of my ear with his lips. "Welcome, little one."
I stopped myself from squirming and regretted that I hadn't had at least a drink prior.
"Can I get a kiss?" he whispered.
I went through the motions, placing my lips on his and letting his tongue explore. He tasted of alcohol, but not enough to scare me away. In fact, he was the perfect candidate.
He held me on his lap for another thirty minutes until he announced it was time to leave. He had downed another whiskey during that time, but hadn't offered me anything. I wished he had, but I couldn't argue.
When we got outside, he pushed me up against the wall and gave me a hint of what I could expect. He was rough, but not violent.
This was love without love, and since I didn't know love, I wasn't sure it mattered.