The momentary distraction was helpful. It was a good day.
Virat could still feel the salty breeze caressing his face. He could still feel the softness of the wet sand as they ran with the waves and the heat emitting from the glistening sand. Running on the beach, splashing water, chattering and breathing in the oceanic air. He felt alive, well, more alive then he had been feeling in the past few days.
Even just sitting there, listening to the kids bicker and the light play upon the sea water. Virat had felt at peace but now, back in his room all alone and fighting again. It was one of those days for him. Well, these whole tour had been more and less one of those days for him, where everything was a struggle and he knew what it was, the feeling that motivated and pushed him to take the extra few steps for the mental well being of his team mates, his brothers. He had first gotten a taste of depression during a tour of England in 2014, and well, he still has to deal with at times.
The one thing doctors never forget to tell patients diagnosed with depression is it's almost a life long battle. Even when there are times when life is going really well and then the feeling hits. The feelings where everything is a struggle. The feeling where even getting out of the bed is an effort. The feeling where making a cup of coffee is also too much work. The feeling where you know you've to fight with yourself to get through the day or you'll lose yourself and the hardest thing about these days are that it's never just one day.
And he had been struggling, the weeks dragging but the feelings not going away. He could feel himself slipping, and he didn't know how long he had to continue fighting to stay above the waves of life but he knew he had to fight it. He couldn't let all these voices and senseless fears get to him. He couldn't let those voices win, so, he had to struggle, he had to fight and keep on doing so.
Virat knows the kids were being concerned. He had seen worry dance in his Rahuliya's eyes more than once during the whole tour. He knows they want to help him. He know they can help him. He had slept peacefully after what felt ages when they were around after all. He know they can dissuade his fears and make him feel better. He knows talking will help. But he couldn't, he just couldn't quite make himself worry them like this. This...this was hard for all of them and he didn't want to burden them more with his fears and insecurities. Plus, it was so hard carrying out conversation these days leave about his fears.
He thought sighing as he stared at his monotonously rotating ceiling fan, pondering about the chances of it falling, what was Rohit doing? What was Mahi bhai doing? What was Nush doing? Was she missing him? Were they missing him? What was his biscuit doing? Will he sing to him if he randomly ask him too? He was generally thinking when his door was banged open and slipped in the one guy, who was all but second resident of his room.
"Hey, Kohlitooooo!! What ya doing? I feel like I haven't seen you in such a long timeeeeeeee! You didn't tell What were ya doing? Are you thinking to paint the fan or something? I don't think the hotel staff will like it if you do so," Rahul aka his Rahuliya informed him thoughtfully flopping beside him on the bed, his cheery energy banishing some of the gloomy clouds Virat had subconsciously summoned around himself.
"Heya Rahuliya! you know you were with me just like half n hour ago," Virat commented wryly, hoping he wasn't letting the exhaustion consuming him seep out. Hoping Rahul won't see the struggle every second was being for him. Hoping his cheery facade was up to the point.
"Still felt like ages bhaii. You seem tired?" Rahul asked Virat concernedly. Virat did say he was planning to sleep and then they went to beach. Did the outing tire him? Why did he seem so exhausted? "Is it the headache again?"He asked frowning looking at Virat with absolutely concerned eyes.
"yeah...yeah, its so, I just want to sleep kiddo," Virat admitted with a humorless smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Yeah, his feelings were a fugitive headache that made his soul ache at times.
"Sleep then...I'll press your head, you should take care na, did you take meds?" He could hear Rahul ask him but he wasn't actually listening to the kid, his mind was in places and he could feel himself nod along with everything mindlessly. He was trapped in his mind and their were voices whispering to him. He was slipping under the waves. At that moment, he wanted nothing more to cling to Rahul and tell him everything. He didn't want to drown.
Do you really think he cares? Honestly, they'll prefer if you don't tell them anything. Don't burden them with your struggles...they don't deserve it. They don't care. They'll be better without knowing what a crybaby softy you're.
No...they care. They love me. They're my brothers. He argued
Do they love you? Your brothers, huh!!! They left you, didn't they? Your big brother, didn't even care to tell you. Left you without telling anything didn't he? Do you really think they'll care? They must be happy, having fun and you whining to them that you're struggling. It won't do any good, maybe he left because of your whining only. Everyone will leave you.
No...they won't! Rahul promised.
And you trusted it. Fool. You should know better by now. Everyone leaves!! Everyone!!! No one really cares or loves.
No!!! They do!!! Rahul does!! You're lying. He does!!! Virat vehemently denied.
Who're you trying to fool? Rohit doesn't trust you with his troubles neither does your bhaiyaa. They don't too. They'll leave too.
The voice continued singing insistently to him and Virat couldn't help but shake his head trying to banish the voice. It was lying. His Rahuliyaa loved him.
"Bhai! bhaiyaa! Are you okay?" Rah asked Virat startled by his sudden shaking of head. Was his head paining too much? What should he do now?
"You won't leave me na Rahul. You said you won't. Tell the voice you won't, please" Virat asked him instead whimpering, his eyes begging him to say so.
"Ofcourse, I won't ever leave you bhaiyaa. I'll cling to you forever," Rahul stated firmly looking at his bhaiya with certainty. Okay, what voices? And from where did this stupid thought come to his bhaiya's mind? What was going on here actually?
"Promise...you won't ever leave. You won't drift away like them," Virat mewled brokenly as Rahul tightened his grip around his bhaiya. Ofcourse, he won't leave didn't he just promise forever brotherhood.
"I won't. You're stuck with your Rahuliyaa forever. Now, tell me why will you think of something so stupid? What's going on bhaiya?" Rahul asked Virat gently, coaxing him to unburden all his worries on him, running his fingers through his brother's hair.
"I...I know it's stupid, Rah. I'm trying. I'm really to not let all those words seep in, to not pay heed to them. But...it's not happening, feels like all sort of odd things, like I'm unwanted. I know, I'm not. I know it's not so. I know you love me but it's...it's just stupid," he muttered not meeting his brother's gaze. He was feeling too embarrassed about the whole thing, confessing about letting stupid things get to him. His brother must be thinking he was a fool.
"No, it's not stupid, bhaiyaa. I know all of it can be so overwhelming and the current scenario making it even hard to disconnect with everything. But...you've us and whenever it feels too overwhelming come to us. We will laugh it off together, alright. You're not unwanted ever. We...I love you a lot bhaiya. We aren't ever leaving you!" Rahul reassured his bhaiya sincerely keeping his emotions at bay. He handled his brother with maturity being absolutely calm about this.
Virat didn't need pity. He absolutely didn't need it and Rahul wasn't going to make him feel awkward for sharing this with him. He was almost glad that he knew what was bothering his brother now. He stayed with Virat listening to his mumbling and assuring him until he fell asleep, sure, Virat was asleep. He made his way back to Hardik's room. He was a man on mission, after all.
~~~~~~~~
"Call Mahi bhai now!" Rahul all but demanded moving back in the room. Startling, the lazing beings in the room.
"Now!! Weren't you staying with Virat till dinner?" Harry asked Rahul absolutely confused. Wasn't Rahul planning to give Virat company. But receiving Rahul's pointed look along with Jassi's glare. Harry silently complied. Didn't he say he was the one being bullied here?
This time thankfully MS picked up the call on the third ring.
"Ha Harry! Kya hua? Ab kya kiya tune?" MSD couldn't help but ask in a fondly resigned tone. What did the kid do now? There were numerous possibilities. While the boys shared looks with each other, well, they had called but none of them had any courage to talk. It was MSD, their Mahi bhai, after all.
With a deep breath Rahul begin noticing no one else had the courage too. For Virat. This for Kohlito. He mentally chanted.
"MS! Can't you see Virat is terribly missing you? Can't you talk to him just once? What's wrong with you? Why won't you talk to him? Why won't you call him? He is your brother. Isn't he??" Rahul demanded gravely from his Mahi bhai. His limbs shaking terribly while talking with MS in this tone. But it was necessary. It was for Virat. He repeated to himself.
"Yes! MS Why won't you talk to Virat? He misses you terribly. Don't you miss him?" Harry agreed with Rah, continuing to question Mahi bhai internally gulping but okay, they needed to do this if their brother was being stupid.
"Call him immediately," Jassi ordered gulping, remembering all the gods out there.
While Mahi bhai couldn't help be amused by their words. okay, what had gotten into these kids? Why were they talking like this? Did Cheeku put him on this? Was this some kinda prank he didn't know? But he was amused by their direct on the point demand.
"Accha bacchu, now, you will tell me when to call my cheeku or how to handle my cheeku, huh?"MS demanded sternly feigning strictness, trying to see how they will react now? Will they spill out the beans of this prank or whatever this was.
"we will absolutely if you're being stupid. Virat is badly MS. Talk to him. You left and everything changed and he is struggling. You left just like that, we didn't ask for a reason, we never did. Respected your choice but please, talk to him. You're hurting him and to stop that if we have to teach you how to handle our Virat bhai then be so. Do talk to him, please" saying so Rahul disconnected the call and all but slumped on the bed shivering.
He can't believe he talked to Mahi bhai like that, god, what was he going to do now? oh god!! What Mahi bhai must be thinking? God!!! But it was for Virat, it was necessary. He'll apologize when he meets bhai again. yeah, he'll do that, he tried to reassure himself.
"Did we just hang up on Mahi bhai?" Harry asked wide eyed. He couldn't believe they just did that.
"Did we really talk like that?" Jassi mumbled horrified.
"We did, I guess" Rah agreed, he was kinda feeling numb. He know he had to explain about Virat's words to them. He'll do it a little later. Let this incidence settle down first. He thought staring at the ceiling.
"For Virat" the three of them tried to reassure each other. Yeah, they were surely going to hide behind Virat the next time they see Mahi bhai.
~to be continued~
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Yeah, I'm fine and sorry.
Hope you enjoyed the update.