A/N: I have to admit that this is my absolute favorite chapter and I don't care about the extra-length. I'm sure you won't mind either because this chapter is beyond soulful to me. I put all my heart into each chapter but I have never re-written a chapter so often until everything seemed perfect. I'm in love with the result and waiting the past weeks to finally share this chapter with you has been the longest wait in my entire life. I hope you all enjoy some soft Bucky and the day YN and him spend together. So put on some cute pop music and enjoy reading. <3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Y/N] is standing behind the closed door of her room, her left hand on the handle, her right hand grasping the key in the lock. She sighs and closes her eyes while leaning her head against the door. She is tired. Tired from 5 days of floundering thoughts and thinking about how to slow them down. 5 days of inner restlessness and feelings of guilt, suffering and despair.
And as if 5 days of this chaos weren't enough, it's more than 24 hours since [Y/N] realized how strong her feelings for Bucky really are. She knows that it's too early to say that she's in love with him but what she feels is way more than a crush or simple attraction. And she'd like to talk about it with someone but the awareness of her feelings for Bucky is just another part of the storm inside her.
She is tired of hiding. She is tired of locking herself in her room for a few hours every day in order to organize her thoughts and still not get ahead. And she doesn't know what to do next because she doesn't know who to talk to. Not only her thoughts, her heart seems to be confused too. Steve, Natasha, Bucky... her closest friends are just waiting for [Y/N] to open up. But [Y/N] doesn't know who the right person to talk to would be.
Bucky has been by her side for days. She doesn't want to burden him any further and yet she knows that it would hurt him if she talked to someone else first. Bucky probably understands her best because their fates are similar. But her racing heart near him, which she can no longer control, especially since yesterday, is not exactly beneficial.
Steve would be the next obvious choice. Especially because they still have to talk about how he got that file of hers. And he's the only one who can probably guess what's really going on between Bucky and her. But something has kept her from going to his room for hours.
Natasha is her female best friend, but [Y/N] could never tell her about Bucky. Bucky and her still have that pact to keep their little affair a secret and she'd never break his trust. Who knows if it would even change anything if she talks about her feelings for him. Still, [Y/N] favors that Natasha is the person most likely to distract her with her own strength. But distraction is something that [Y/N] doesn't long for at all at the moment.
Silent tears run down her face when [Y/N]'s right hand turns the key and thus locks the door, while she sinks to her knees exhausted and doesn't know what to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's past lunchtime when a knock on [Y/N]'s door, which is still locked, interrupts her doings. Said sits on the floor and stares at the drawings spread around her. But instead of arranging them, new drawings have been added once again. Though this time, they aren't scenes from her past but drawings of a man that, without her knowing it, is standing on the other side of her door. She has drawn him sleeping in her bed, laughing or simply sitting on her sofa, a book in his hand. There's even a drawing just of his dog tags that she has taken a closer look at way too often by now.
"One moment!" [Y/N] shouts in response to the knock and quickly collects her drawing sheets and stows them in a folder, which she puts back on the shelf. Then, she quickly checks herself in the mirror to make sure that there's no sign that she has been crying a few hours ago.
Finally opening the door, [Y/N] sees Bucky all dressed up in a black leather jacket, dark clothes and wearing his black leather gloves.
"Wow, you look lousy today" he greets her but his voice is full of concern.
"Jeez, you really don't get any better with your compliments" [Y/N] complains, rolling her eyes, but her voice is oozing with sarcasm. She knows that Bucky only wants to cheer her up with his teasing and it's working. "You're going out?"
Even if there is still something like worry in his gaze, his eyes sparkle at [Y/N] full of affection and care. "I know you're all busy hiding in your room and I accept that you're not ready to talk about whatever is going on inside that stubborn head of yours. But, and please hear me out, I'm done spending time in your room, reading. I've finished A Game of Thrones and am halfway through A Clash of Kings and as long as you don't have A Storm of Swords on your shelf, we're leaving the compound today. So you have 10 minutes to change and get ready to meet me downstairs."
"Damn it, Barnes" [Y/N] laughs, impressed by his persistence that leaves no space for arguing. "Calm down, I'm getting ready" she says and closes the door in front of his nose.
Not knowing where they're going to, [Y/N] decides to choose an outfit matching to his leather jacket and grabs an outfit that Natasha borrowed her a long time ago when she had barely any own clothes.
With the new outfit alone, [Y/N] feels a lot better already. She likes her cozy outfits but has to admit that black leather looks great on her. [Y/N] likes the jacket with its crooked zipper alone, so that her hand glides admiringly along the fabric. Her hair is braided in no time so that individual strands still hang around her face. The joyful expectation of seeing something other than her own walls or the daily jogging round also ensures that her mood is immediately better, making her forget about her confusing feelings for Bucky as she heads downstairs to meet him.
Said one just stares at her with wide eyes when she finally joins him, as if he had never seen a woman in leather clothes before. He looks at the clock again to make sure that it really didn't take [Y/N] more than 10 minutes to slip out of the sweatpants into this sexy outfit.
"What's the matter, Barnes?" [Y/N] asks teasingly when she notices Bucky's speechlessness, which is the exact opposite of the man from 10 minutes ago.
"You're killing me, you know that?" he sighs as he continues to check her out some more before approaching her to lay his arm around her shoulder.
"I think you need to be a little more distinctly" she answers as Bucky guides her to the elevator.
The latter feels a burning desire within him as they wait for the doors to open. He has completely forgotten about the fact that he was trying to distract her, now that she's all distracting him with those tight clothes and sexy look. Heck, he should really be able to control his hormones after all those brainwashing and reprogramming but just the thought about being so close to her in a separated room sends him chills.
"Earth to James" he hears her say, his real name coming from her lips always bringing him back to reality, sending a warm shiver down his spine. James. He still loves to hear those 5 letters because coming from her, they sound like home.
"I'm sorry, what where you saying?" he asks while locking away that new desire as they finally enter the elevator.
"I was asking you where we are going and more especially, what we're going to do."
"Oh trust me, you'll love it" he says all self-confident, a big grin on his lips.
[Y/N] looks at him startled, wondering where his mind went off to just a few seconds ago and how's it possible for him to find back to the self-confident man that always make her knees go weak.
To her surprise, the elevator doesn't come to a hold downstairs but continues to the basement where the parking area is at. Curiously, she follows Bucky, knowing that she'll find out about their ride at any second.
Suddenly, Bucky comes to a hold in front of a big motorcycle that, to be honest, looks pretty new and cool. Smirking widely, he hands her a helmet. "You have to hold onto me tightly, doll" he winks as he climbs onto it, putting on his helmet while waiting for her to sit down behind him.
"You're not going to flip that thing around all Bucharest style once we're on it, right?" she chuckles and then puts on her own helmet.
"We both know you couldn't take your hands off of me if I do that crazy stunt again."
"James, darling. I can't keep my hands off of you already" [Y/N] plays along and puts her arms around Bucky from behind.
"Careful, doll. We don't want things to get heated" Bucky warns her and whilst he starts the engine, [Y/N] can only think about how he has no idea how heated things are for her already.
***
She has done a lot of crazy things but never before has she sat on a motorcycle. Therefore she does not know if it's the adrenaline from the ride that makes her heart beat like crazy or if it's the whole situation with Bucky. He does not only look incredible sexy with that leather jacket, riding a bike, but he seems extra flirtatious today. As if things couldn't get any more complicated for her, she graps onto him tighter as he drives through the city, leading them far away and further into the nature.
After a ride that felt way shorter than it actually was, they come to a hold on a parking area that leads to a National Park named Yosemite, like [Y/N] reads on a sign. Still confused about their travel, she waits for Bucky to put down his helmet and explain things to her.
"I know there is a lot of earth around us but don't do anything stupid, doll. It'd only ruin this beautiful landscape" he smirks as he walks over to grab her hand.
"One more sassy comment and I guarantee for nothing" she responds and raises an eyebrow at her company. Maybe, she thinks, its the leather clothes that make both of them extra sassy and flirtatious today. Bucky just chuckles and begins to lead her further to the national park, gently stroking her hand with his thumb.
"So you're still not telling me why we are here?" [Y/N] asks after a few minutes of silent walking.
"I'm not telling you everything just yet but I thought it would be nice to go somewhere we don't have to hide for a while and enjoy some privacy" Bucky answers. There's a small grin on his lips but his voice is all soft and cheering.
"This brings back memories" [Y/N] replies but it's more a thinking out loud.
"What kind of memories?" Bucky asks with a smirk. Actually, he already knows what she's talking about because he's thinking back to the same evening but he wants to hear it from her mouth.
"Don't make me say it" [Y/N] chuckles slightly.
"Well, why not?" he asks curiously as he feels her shifting nervously next to him. [Y/N] is no one who gets embarrassed easily and he's a little confused why she's getting all shy about that topic.
"I don't know. Walking down a way together, my hand in yours... I think we have done that before" [Y/N] says and tries her best to sound as confident as possible.
"Well, today is even better though" Bucky replies with a slight smile as [Y/N]'s fake-confidence was able to fool him and he's getting a little lost in his own thoughts.
"Why is that?"
Bucky stops walking and the hand with which he holds her, tightens its grip and pulls her closer to him. "Because we've come quite far since then, don't you agree?"
"You have no idea how far..." [Y/N] mumbles quietly more to herself than to him.
"What was that?" Bucky asks softly, chuckling as he hasn't quite understood her. He sees the soft blush on her cheeks and it flatters him.
"Nothing" [Y/N] says quickly and then sighs. "I'm sorry, I'm just really lost in thoughts today" she says and averts her gaze. She fears that if she looks into his beautiful blue eyes she's going to loose her mind completely.
"I know, that's why we're here, remember?" Bucky chuckles again and places his index finger under her chin to lift up her face. "Eyes up here, doll. I was just talking to you."
[Y/N] lifts her gaze to look at Bucky with an apologizing look and meets his kind and loving gaze. "You were saying?" she asks gulping as his beautiful blue eyes once again make her melt and she feels her sanity saying goodbye.
"I was saying we've come quite far since our date. We're kissing, spending the nights together... I wouldn't do that for every woman, you know?"
"Of course you wouldn't. Because you could barely talk to a woman without insulting her with your weird compliments" [Y/N] jokes as she tries to calm her racing heart. Out of all the days they're spending together, Bucky had to choose today to compliment her, when her mind is a complete mess already. She wants to focus on his words and admire him the way he deserves it but she can barely focus, let alone be all serious. She fears to give in to her strong feelings for him.
Eventually, Bucky realizes that [Y/N] feels really upset today and has real problems to focus. He pulls her into his arms with a sigh and rests his head on top of hers. The trip was supposed to distract her some but now he's not so sure about his actions anymore. Maybe he should have left her in her room because it seems like that trip has made her condition only worse. "I really care about you, doll" he admits mumbling and begins to rub her back.
To other visitors, [Y/N] and Bucky surely look like a couple being all in love as they stand there, hugging tightly. But instead of walking on, they hold onto each other as their minds are full of worry. The latter keeps rubbing her back and misses the time just a few hours ago when she was cracking jokes with him and laughing. Ever since their arrival, she seems to be in a complete tizzy.
[Y/N] leans her head against his chest and closes her eyes. She feels Bucky's warmth and perceives his scent, which smells of cedarwood and musk. Despite her strong feelings for him, she can feel how her heart slowly begins to beat more calmly, simply because his presence always calms her down. She knows that her strong feelings go back far further than their date and are the reason why she couldn't stop thinking about him when he was in Wakanda. Finally, she seems to be able to focus again and lifts her head with a sigh. "Don't" she says softly as her eyes fill with sincerity. "I know this look."
His gaze is soft and caring and yet a little curious about what he will be able to read in her eyes. "You do?" he asks with his right eyebrow slightly rised, trying to lighten the mood and hide his emotions from her.
[Y/N] chuckles as she remembers the last time they had a similar conversation but then continues to rebuke him. "Don't blame yourself, Bucky. It's not your fault my mind is off today."
"I just want to help, not make things worse" he sighs. "Is it right that I brought you here?" he asks sincere.
Instead of answering his question, she smiles at him lovingly as her eyes become even softer and almost adoring. "Tell me, James. Do you finally think you deserve all the happiness in the world? Because I think you do."
"How can I be happy when you are not?" Bucky asks in a soft voice and begins to stroke her cheek with his left thumb tenderly. The leather of his glove doesn't feel cold at all and is an unusual contrast to the metal of his arm.
"Now, so much for you not being a softie, hm?" [Y/N] smirks and finally places a soft kiss on his lips.
"Careful, doll" he chuckles against her lips when they part some and wraps his arms back around her to pull her closer again and re-connect their lips. He doesn't know either where these soft words came from but he knows that he means them and he doesn't care that he told her out loud. Because right now, with [Y/N] in his arms and a smile on her lips, everything feels right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"These boots really aren't made for walking" [Y/N] complains more than a hour later and hears Bucky chuckle.
"We're almost there, [Y/N]" Bucky chuckles next to her as he can already hear the rush of the water whilst [Y/N] feels the increased humidity due to her powers. She knows that there must be a waterfall somewhere nearby and is looking forward to enjoying the view of the National Park a little more, no matter how much her feet hurt from the boots that she has only worn once before.
About another 10 minutes later the path clears again and [Y/N] can look far out over the park even before they have reached the edge of the viewing platform. Proudly, Bucky leads her further forward and is relieved to see that they are the only people up there at the moment. The rushing waterfall in front of them is so loud that he can barely hear his own thoughts and the air feels pleasantly cool. The wind blows a few gentle drops of water over to them and carries the scent of pine, moss and mud. He squeezes [Y/N]'s hand a little tighter as he basically drags her with him while the smile on his face grows bigger.
Arrived at the edge of the viewing platform, Bucky lets his gaze wander over the nature in front of them and for the first time in ages, he feels free. He feels to onehundred percent free.
Bucky is beaming as he turns to [Y/N] after taking in all the beauty of the landscape and the feeling of freedom. And it's not the view in front of him that makes this moment so special but her company. He still holds her hand tightly in his and is in love with the way the wind blows away her few loose strands of hair and her eyes move while she too examines the landscape. He's in love with those little dimples that show whenever she smiles, even if there is still that trace of exhaustion and sadness that has been on her face for a week.
At this moment, he forgets everything. At this moment, he's just James Buchanen Barnes. A young man from Brooklyn who knows no war, doesn't have a metal arm, hasn't killed anyone or knows about the name Hydra. Only when reality slowly catches up with him does he wonder what [Y/N] is doing to him that he can feel so free and happy for a while. Even after all these months that have passed, Bucky doesn't think that he has the right to feel this way but when [Y/N] is around, he doesn't mind to.
Said one now also removes her gaze from the scene in front of her and looks at Bucky.
"Do you still want to know why we are here?" Bucky shouts loudly to drown out the roar of the waterfall and [Y/N] nods. Bucky points down to the bottom of the waterfall. "Can you bring us down there?"
"Well, yes I can" [Y/N] replies just as loudly. "But didn't you say no earth bending?"
"No earth bending expect this one time" he replies smirking. "It's safe though, isn't it?" he shouts more nervously, now that he thinks about it further. Not to mention how many rules they're going to break. Again.
[Y/N] smirks widely because she hasn't seen Bucky that doubtful ever before and steps closer to him. "You might wanna hold onto me for this one" she shouts and Bucky wraps his arms around her instantly. [Y/N] creates something like an elevator and sends them down the mountain by basically driving through it. Once they're at the bottom of the waterfall, [Y/N] stops and creates a door that opens right behind the waterfall so the two of them can face the water.
Bucky lets go of her, feeling his shaking arms that proof how scared he actually was but is impressed by that amazing skill and the proud smile on her lips. They're literally right behind the bottom of the waterfall thats top they just stood next to a few seconds before. The roaring is so loud now that he needs to move his lips next to her ear and shout as loud as possible to keep talking to her whilst the cold water hits his leather jacket and skin on his face. "You may not want to talk about what's bothering you right now, but you'll scream it out right here!"
"What?" [Y/N] laughs out loud, thinking she has misunderstood her counterpart.
"I want you to let your feelings out. Scream your guts out or do whatever you have to do to calm this storm up there." As he shouts the last words, he gently touches her forehead with his fingers.
"Bucky, you're crazy" laughs [Y/N] and tries to turn away to head back but Bucky stops her.
"I'm serious. What are you afraid of? We're alone here and nobody will hear you. The water is way too loud for that. Not even I can hear you very well right now!" Only now does he slowly let go of her hand and takes a few steps backwards until his back hits the wall of the small room [Y/N] has created. Expectantly, he raises his right eyebrow to tell [Y/N] that he will wait for her.
Said one uncertainly embraces her arms and walks even closer to the water until it's too dangerous. Bucky seems to have lost his mind, she thinks. Surely, the mountin air has made him crazy. Maybe Steve's dinner yesterday has been rancid. She hadn't been hungry so all she had eaten was an apple, so who knows. Whatever the reason is, Bucky definitely has lost his mind.
She looks over her shoulder and sees that Bucky is still waiting for her to get started. He smiles encouragingly at her while his eyebrow is still raised.
[Y/N] decides to just stand at her spot for a few minutes so that Bucky thinks she has complied his request. But while she waits for the minutes to pass, she closes her eyes to listen to the rush of the water as its drizzle brings single waterdrops that hit her skin and within a few seconds she has the same scenes in her head as she has the last few days. Scenes that rob her of all strength and bring tears to her eyes. And while she's battling this pain and squinting her eyes shut to stop the tears, she lets out the first scream. A cry of frustration that she fails to stop her thoughts.
Surprised by her own sound, which was barely audible through the water, she opens her eyes in shock and lets out the next scream of frustration. And suddenly, all the dams that she has been desperately trying to maintain for days are broken. Tears run down her face as she gives in to all of the frustration, despair and pain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The loud noises of the raging water keep Bucky from hearing the screams escaping [Y/N]'s mouth but the shaking of her body, which he can only see from behind, reveals that she has given in to her feelings. Her dams seem to be broken and even if Bucky is already hurting to see her suffering again, he breathes a sigh of relief. He knows all too well that she has to surrender to the pain in order to process it and that now, that [Y/N] can let out her pain and frustration, things will get better.
Slowly and careful, he approaches her after some minutes and wraps his arms around her from behind. "I'm so proud of you, doll" he says loudly, his lips brushing against her ear. "But I'm honestly scared as hell standing so close to the edge. Do you mind bringing us back where we came from?"
[Y/N] doesn't know how much time has passed since she let go of all her frustration and pain but she quickly whipes the tears with the back of her hand. Not saying a word, she takes a few steps back, forcing Bucky to walk backwards and within seconds, she has brought them back up to the viewing platform.
Out of sheer shock as everything had happened so fast, Bucky still holds [Y/N] tightly in his arms and this time he feels his legs tremble as well as his arms and is more than happy to have secure ground under his feet again and be back up where they started. "Remind me to never mess with you. Your powers can be bloody creepy" he mumbles from behind her and then gives her a kiss on the cheek. "Impressive but creepy" he admits.
When his legs and arms calm down again and feel less shaky, he carefully turns [Y/N] around so they have to look at each other. "You okay?"
The moment [Y/N]'s [y/ec] eyes meet Bucky's blue eyes, she realizes that this was the release she needed. Tears run down her face again when she starts shaking her head. "Nothing is okay, Bucky" she sobs as she falls into his arms and buries her head in his chest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next few hours are exhausting but liberating.
Of course, [Y/N] needs some time until her tears become less and she catches herself again. But shortly afterwards, they both start to leave the viewing platform and continue walking through the national park. These are hours in which [Y/N] can open up. These are hours in which she tells Bucky about her nightmares. The ones she had before Steve left and those she had for the last 4 nights. She tells him about the mass of images and scenes that she just can't sort out and her fear of what will happen to her memory. She tells him about the feelings of guilt in all of her deeds, but above all, the feelings of guilt for having forgotten these deeds and people. She even tells him that she can barely remember her life before Hydra and that she had hoped it was just a coping strategy, which was why she kept it from everyone.
It is already evening and slowly getting dark outside when both of them arrive back on the parking area. Bucky hands [Y/N] her helmet and gives her a soft, encouraging smile while he inspects her face to make sure she is currently okay.
"Hey Bucky" she mumbles as she moves the helmet back and forth in her hands and watches the light from the parking area lamps reflect in it. Only after Bucky mumbled a questioning 'Mhm?' in response, she looks up at and joins him. Bucky's already sitting on the motorcycle but now turns to face her better. "I don't know what all of this was about today..." she mumbles embarrassed and tries to process what happened in the last few hours and how it came to that point. She feels weak by now but somehow lighter as well. "But thank you very much. For everything."
Bucky puts his helmet on the seat and takes [Y/N] in his arms. With his right hand, he lovingly strokes the strands of hair from her face that had freed themselves from her braid in the last few hours and strokes her cheeks with his thumb. He doesn't really know what happened either and can hardly believe that his plan worked. It had been more of a spontaneous idea while being under the shower as he wanted to scream out of frustration himself, but it seemed to have been exactly what [Y/N] had needed. "I mean what I said" he says softly, looking deep into her eyes. "I can only be happy if you're happy, too."
This time it's [Y/N] who leans her head against his hand like he does so often with her and her gaze becomes even softer than it already was. "What are you doing to me, Bucky?" she sighs softly, not really thinking about the words that just escaped her lips.
"I could ask you the same thing" Bucky replies just as softly. It's only been two weeks since their little affair began but it feels like months to him. Almost as if every day together was a whole week. With his hand on her face he pulls it closer to give her a loving kiss on the forehead. "How about some dinner before we head home?" he asks and feels [Y/N] nod.
"I'm starving, actually" she says and puts on her helmet. "Whose motorcycle is that, by the way?" she then asks as she takes her seat behind him.
"You might not believe it but it's T'Challa's. We're allowed to borrow it though. He's not there to use it anyway" Bucky chuckles and feels [Y/N] chuckle as well.
"Once trying to rip you off of one to borrowing you his own. Things really do change."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If I had known we were going to be away for so long, I would have brought a blanket" Bucky apologizes as he puts his leather jacket around [Y/N]'s shoulders.
"Aren't you getting cold?" she asks worriedly while she reaches into the paper bag and hands Bucky his sandwich that he bought in a town earlier. Afterwards they drove a little further until they had a little more nature and fewer people around them to enjoy their dinner.
Said one looks at her with a cheeky grin and raised eyebrows, as if to ask her if the question was meant seriously. He was never one that feels cold easily but ever since becoming a Siberian cyborg, he is used to the cold. [Y/N] has to grin and mumbles "Nevermind. Thank you."
Grinning, Bucky bites into his sandwich and is happy that his friend is much less tense than at the beginning of their trip.
***
"What's up?" she asks a little later and takes a sip of her Coke. Bucky has been watching her for a good two minutes now, his eyes are sparkling and a casual smile lies on his lips and yet [Y/N] can see that he is lost in thoughts.
"We should leave the compound and drive away more often."
"Why? Can't get enough of my sexy biker outfit?" [Y/N] grins cheekily. Her words cause Bucky to laugh, who's all impressed by her cheeky flirtatious self-confidence that she pulls of every here and there. It's a loud, liberated laugh that [Y/N] hears far too seldom for her liking and which makes her grin turn into a big smile.
"Believe me, doll, I really can't" he replies, still laughing slightly and grabs the coke out of her hand. "But what I was actually getting at is that I like to spend time with you."
"For someone who said he's not a good company, I like to spend time with you, too" [Y/N] replies, eliciting another laugh from Bucky as he opens her coke and then empties it before they drive on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When [Y/N] and Bucky arrive back in the underground parking lot of the Medical Center, the atmosphere between them is very relaxed. Whilst [Y/N] was completely dissolved and confused this morning, she now feels almost balanced and has concrete goals in mind of how to handle things from now on. Bucky's worries have also decreased, as he can clearly feel how relaxed [Y/N] is now. Her jokes come from heart and are no longer made up to reassure friends or to pretend that everything is okay. When she laughs with Bucky, it is a honest laugh, so that the sparkle can be seen in her eyes again and the dimples are clearly more visible than during the last few days.
Bucky puts his arm around her shoulders as they step back into the elevator, a satisfied grin on his lips as they both smile at something that [Y/N] has just said.
As soon as the elevator doors close, the mood between them changes again. Bucky immediately feels [Y/N] shifting nervously and tense up and yet it is not as worrying as it was before. [Y/N] pulls herself out of his arm to look at him and Bucky can see the determination and affection in her gaze. "I don't think I need your company tonight, Bucky. It's not like I don't want you next to me but-"
"I know" Bucky says with a slight chuckle. He knows what's on her mind ever since they got off the motorcycle. It's been five days since Steve is back which makes two weeks where they haven't had a proper conversation together and he knows that [Y/N] stings to talk to Steve about the mission that included her file. And he knows her well enough by now to know that whatever comes to [Y/N]'s mind can't wait until the next day. "But I want to show you something before you run off tonight" he continues and grabs [Y/N]'s hand to pull her closer to him again.
Once in the living area, Bucky forgets to let go of [Y/N]'s hand because his mind is five steps ahead already and he just leads her straight up to his room, not even checking if anyone is still up. And since [Y/N] doesn't know what Bucky wants to show her, she just lets him lead her to his room and feels how he increases the pressure on her hand when he starts to get nervous. Without letting go, he closes the door of his room behind both of them and there are immediately sparks flying, the air full of curiosity and various tensions. The close proximity to [Y/N] and the renewed change of mood make Bucky's breath unsettled and without thinking about it, he takes another step towards her and presses [Y/N] with her back against his door. Hungry, lusting and adoring, his lips meet hers as he intertwines their fingers of the hand he is holding.
[Y/N] reacts to this intense touch immediately and just a moment after their lips have met, their tongues join and [Y/N] lets her free hand slide under his arm and clings to his back, which automatically pulls him closer. Their tongues fight for dominance, none of them ready to submit. Bucky lifts their hands up and presses them against the door as well, right above her head, while their bodies press together. Still fighting for the upper hand, [Y/N] escapes a small sigh that seems to relieve the tension between them. Bucky is finally able to break away from her lips, his pupils dilated when he looks at her in surprise. "I'm sorry, I have no idea where that came from" he mumbles embarrassed, but his voice is hoarse with arousal.
"You wanted to show me something?" [Y/N] whispers and tries to hide her own arousal, startled by the sudden intensity of their kiss. She can still feel the adrenaline rush through her veins and the heat of their action that seems to burn her skin.
"Right" mumbles Bucky and now completely breaks away from [Y/N]. If she hadn't sighed, he doesn't know if he could have stopped himself this time. He desires her more than ever, but [Y/N] is so confused right now that he doesn't want to take advantage of her instability. In his eyes, he's doing that more than enough already. He shouldn't actually kiss or caress her until she is feeling better and can be really sure that she wants this and doesn't just need it because of her bad state. But Bucky can't control himself around her, as if it were the most normal thing in the world to be so intimate with her.
Said one watches as Bucky goes to his closet and digs out his old backpack, which she hasn't seen since their escape in Bucharest. He puts it down on the bed and [Y/N] sees him pulling something out. Books. Notebooks to be more exact. Colorful adhesive strips are attached to some of the pages. He puts them on the bed next to the backpack and turns to look back to [Y/N]. "When my memories began to come back, I was very scared. I couldn't quite understand what was happening" he explains, recognizing the slightly confused, yet understanding, inclining look in [Y/N]'s eyes. "Whenever I would remember something, I wrote it down. At some point, I tried to organize these memories. It was difficult but it helped me to understand what had happened to me and to organize the chaos in my head" he finishes his explanation and then shrugs. "Maybe this information will help you somehow. But you have to let out what is on your mind."
Almost embarrassed he shifts from foot to foot because he has never shared those personal informations with anyone, not even Steve. These notebooks are probably the most personal items he has, are his biggest secret and are therefore the most sensible information about him.
Touched by his confession, [Y/N] looks at the notebooks, whose colorful sticky notes presumably represent different periods of time. She feels a certain curiosity to read how he has come to terms with his past. To read the way he wrote down his memories. But the fact that Bucky told her about the books in the first place is already a great vote of confidence and a strong form of affection and is more than she would've ever asked him for.
Since there is no suitable answer to this confession, [Y/N] approaches him and only stops right in front of him. She looks intently into his blue eyes while she places her hands on his forearms, gently squeezing them and lets them slide down to his hands. Her voice is gentle but decisive as she speaks. "I'm going to do something now and you have to promise me to stop if you feel uncomfortable."
Bucky looks at her in amazement. [Y/N]'s gaze does not allow any stupid jokes but absolute sincerity and Bucky gets his hackles up when he nods. "Promised" he presses out and swallows hard with tension, not knowing what's going to happen next.
[Y/N] squeezes his hands lovingly and then leans in to kiss Bucky. She puts all her feelings into the kiss as best she can because she doesn't know how else to show Bucky her affection, gratitude and appreciation. There are no words that can express what she conveys to him through the kiss. This kiss is free from desire but rather gentle, loving, and appreciative. It's a kiss like he's never experienced before and it takes Bucky's breath away. He is not used to this intense form of affection and gasps in shock and surprise as he stumbles back a step and yet he immediately puts his arms around [Y/N] to prevent their touch from breaking off. With this kiss, [Y/N] reveals a rollercoaster of emotions that almost drive him crazy. Guilt re-emerges that he doesn't deserve to be kissed like this, that he was the Winter Soldier and no one could love a killer like him and yet the feeling is so beautiful that he doesn't want it to stop. And suddenly, he feels something hot on his face - salty tears caused by the overwhelming of his emotions. Yet he holds her tight, even tighter, while his lips move in rhythm with hers and the hot tears run down his face as he lets himself be carried away by the wave of affection and wellbeing mixed with his own pain. It might hurt him to be kissed like this because it breaks through the walls he has build up around him to somehow live with his pain of his deeds but at the same time, every second her lips touch his with such tenderness, she seems to heal his wounds.