Her mouth couldn't help but to fly open. I'd expect her to with what I just confessed. And it seemed as though for the first time, Dr. Union was at a loss for words. She covered her mouth with the most baffled expression. After the initial shock wore off, she spoke.
"Excuse me? Wh-, um, wait." She said trying to put her words together. "Who's face haven't you seen?" She asked.
"Shawn's." I plainly replied until the gravity of my own words struck me.
I pinched my eyes shut as I felt the uncontrollable urge to sob. "God I never even got the chance to see him." I cried, placing my face into the palms of my hands.
"Beyoncé, I'm gonna need you to back up and explain this to me. How long were you and Shawn together?
I sniffled. "We were together for about a year."
"And you mean to tell me you been with him for that long, yet never saw his face? She asked.
"Yes."
"Feel free to explain." She finished with a slight chuckle while walking back to her usual seat.
She grabbed her notepad in preparation.
"I was blind when I met him." I replied in short. There was no other way to say it but bluntly.
Today has been a truck load of surprises for her because she actually dropped her pen. Her face was scrunched up, bewilderment on her face.
"Wow, you were blind? Were you born blind?" She questioned.
I shook my head. "No I, I wasn't." My mood lowered the further we got into this session.
I really had enough and wanted to go home at that point. I glanced over at the clock on the wall. 24 minutes left. I needed this to be over already. Gabrielle looked at me with a knowing smirk.
"You have more than enough time to explain."
"Can we not do this today?" I asked rubbing my forehead.
"I know this is difficult for you to do, but I'll let you in on a little secret." She leaned in as if someone else was in the room listening in on us. "It doesn't get any easier the longer you wait."
"I know." I sighed.
"So just let it go Bey." She replied flaring her arms up high, big and wide. "You have to start letting go."
My lips trembled, more like my whole face. I was falling apart and she was forcing me to retell details that I tried so hard to forget. Why does she want me to remember? Why was she doing this to me? Foot shaking, I closed my eyes as the memory began to resurface trying to force it's way back where it belonged. As a distant past memory.
Let it out. Let it go. It's okay.
I could faintly hear her voice chanting. Coaching. More tears streamed my face.
"Oh god." I softly whispered in a choked-up tone. "I uh... um." It resisted leaving my lips.
The room fell quiet. The ticking from the clock could be heard and I counted them internally. Waiting for the last tick that will signify the end of this nightmare only made the time seem agonizingly longer. Time felt suspended in a cruel way. Like it wouldn't let up until I answered her questions.
"May I ask how you became blind?"
There was the question that opened up a cascade of images from that night.
"Bey please, you can trust me." She persisted with a reassuring smile. "Trust me."
I looked deeply into her eyes, though I wasn't an expert in lie detection like she was, there was nothing but genuineness in everything she said. Her eyes pleaded with mine, in hopes that I would confide in her.
"It happened about 6 years ago." I sighed finally opening up.
She nodded with her brows raised in encouragement.
"I was fresh outta grad school and Boris and I were living together in Harlem. I was 23 and happy. My dream of opening a gallery was in the transition of becoming a reality. My friends and I had got a bank loan approved for the lease on the location we're still in now in the lower east side. The three of us went through hard times getting the gallery off its feet for a couple of months. It took a toll on our spirits a little bit, and it bled over to my relationship."
Intermediately she would input her mmhmm's and go on's. I continued. "But that night was a good night." A fragile smile emerged as I thought of that part of the memory. "I had sold my first painting and was so excited. My girls thought it would be a great idea to celebrate and go out. So I did." I stopped again and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. The tears were forming again.
"You're doing great." She continued to coach.
I tilted my head far back, resting completely on the back of my chair and gazed at the ceiling. Vivid mental images of my recollections were projected onto it like a movie screen. In my head I was transported back to that night. That god-forsaken night.
~~~~~~~~~~
I laid sprawled out on the backseat of Michelle's car with my heels scattered on the floor. One foot under the driver's seat, the other god only knows where. My feet were killing me. We danced all night at some club we found a flyer for stuck to our shop's window and took it as a sign. Kelly and Michelle were in the front still talking about the hot bartender and debating which team he played for-if you know what I mean. I laughed as they seriously engaged in a full on debate.
"It don't matter anyway cuz you thirsty broads ain't gettin' none no how." I teased.
"Beyoncé shut yo' ass up and remain seated...in the back!" Kelly retorted while tossing her wrist band at me.
"I'm just sayin'." I said in defense.
Michelle shook her head and laughed in agreement. "Yeah gurl, wasn't you sleep?"
I yawned. "Nah, but I'm 'bout to be as soon as I get home."
I was already envisioning my bed with me underneath the sheet, mouth open, and drooling. I was that exhausted. I reached into my purse which was serving as a pillow at the moment to grab my cell and check the time. It was about 3:30am-seeing that alone made my eyelids heavier. My phone began blinking, informing me of a notification. I had 12 missed calls. All from Boris. I sat erect in my seat and looked out the car window. Recognizing the street signs, I knew home was nearby and placed my phone back in my bag. I'll just talk to him when I get inside. I was curious however. Sudden but slight panic struck through me. What if something was wrong? 12 missed calls seemed urgent. Before I could reach back into my bag, Michelle pulled up to my brownstone. When I didn't immediately get out, Michelle turned around in her seat to look at me.
"You feelin' okay Bey? You drunk?" She jokingly asked knowing that I didn't drink nearly as much as Kelly did.
I snapped out of my thoughts and feigned a smile. I didn't want to worry them with the millions of bad scenarios I was playing through in my mind.
"Ask ya friend that." I jutted my chin towards Kelly who was now slump into her seat with her forehead rested against the glass.
Michelle giggled. "You right."
I quickly felt around for my shoes and exited the car, heels in hand. There was no point in putting those things back on.
"Night Bey." Michelle said.
"Good night chelles." I shut the door, walked up to Kelly's window, and thumped on the glass.
She shot up, jumping out of her skin and looked around frantically. Then groaned and slouched back into her seat. I held my stomach as I laughed at her. She glared at me and said her goodbyes with a middle finger.
"I love you too." I called through the glass, faced pressed against it.
"Whateva. Bye!" She plainly said.
"Bye." I waved as Michelle pulled away and drove out of sight.
I walked up the stairs and rummaged through my purse for my keys. Before I could even put it in the lock the door flung open. Boris stood there looking disoriented; he was sweating and mumbling to himself. I dropped my things and grabbed his face.
"Baby, are you ok?" I asked walking into the apartment.
"Where were you?! I was calling you!" He yelled, now pacing back and forth. He had his hand pressed to his lips, which were moving rapidly. Unintelligible words were spewing out and I struggled to catch them all.
"What happened? What's wrong?"
"Can't you see their watching us?" He asked finally stopped pacing.
"Boris who?"
He sprinted over to the window and looked out, searching. More befuddled words were coming out of his mouth. I was utterly confused. I stood there watching him watch the window. He had been acting so strangely lately. This wasn't the first time he's behaved out of character. Often, I found myself wondering what was going on with him. Was it stress?
A few months ago, Boris' father has been relieved of his naval duties and with that went a lot of his benefits. His pension, his health care coverage, everything was relinquished just like that, leaving Boris' dad and mom in a sort of destitute situation. Boris has been so stressed and under pressure and I attributed his occasional irrationality to his parents financial problems. It was taking a toll on him having to worry about his parents' welfare. Gradually he had been less of his usual self. But tonight was a whole new level. Different from every other night. He looked crazy.
He rubbed the back of his head and bit his nails and periodically checked the window.
"Baby, please say something. Tell me what's going on." I pleaded
He swiftly walked up to me and grabbed my shoulders tightly and looked me in the eyes.
"Don't you see it?!" He screamed shaking me in the process.
I tried to break out of his hold but his grip was really strong.
"Owww Boris, see what?"
"The signs! Listen, the bald eagle came by the window with a note in his beak, when the clock strikes 12 everyday. And I would time it because that's when I would see the plastic bag floating up to the ceiling." He rushed out.
"The eagle? What?" Confusion was written all over my face.
He wasn't making any sense. Ignoring me he continued on anyway. "Yes the note said the grapos are coming." He exclaimed.
"B-, baby I don't understand." I replied with tears building in my eyes. "You're scaring me." I said as I removed his hands from off me.
I started to back away when he grabbed me again. Panic could be seen in his expression.
"We gotta go, don't you understand?! The grapos are coming, the eagle told me with the note at 12! WE NEED TO LEAVE! THEY'RE MONITORING US THROUGH WIRE TAPS!" His voiced escalated and he grabbed me again trying to drag me into our bedroom.
"Oww Boris let go!" I shook and writhed, trying to get out of his grasp again. "You're acting crazy!"
He grabbed my face, pulling me closer to his. "Listen let's go! They're gonna kill us!"
I shoved him off of me and he came back full force and pushed me back, where I stumbled onto the floor. I gasped and looked up at him. I couldn't even recognize him. He looked deranged. I backed away from him, tried to stand to my feet but he grabbed me by my legs-dragging me down the hallway.
"LET GO OF ME!!" I screamed, kicked, and twisted my body trying to crawl away from him. I clawed at the ground.
He yanked me again and flipped me onto my back where he got on top with his knees on either side of me. He lifted me head, squeezing it. That's when I caught his eyes. The eyes that were always so soft and that lit up whenever he spoke were now the darkest I ever seen them. Pitch black. Demented. Fear slithered up my spine. Tears ran down to my ears.
I pleaded with him. "Boris please."
A sharp, hot pain shot through my body as he banged me head against the floor. It stole my breath. Eyes bulging, he screamed at me before banging my head again. The excruciating pain surged through me, traveling all the way down from the back of my head to very tips of my toes. I tried to scream but it was caught it my throat. I gripped his wrist in attempt to pry open his hands.
BANG.
The sound of my skull crashing against the hardwood echoed in the hallway.
"WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!" He screamed.
BANG.
"WHY WON'T YOU JUST LISTEN?!
BANG.
Crack!
My hair was damp, blood pooled out around me. His words were becoming inaudible as I felt myself losing consciousness. I could barely feel the blunt impact in my head anymore, but knew it was meeting the floor again as it rebounded. Slowly he faded into darkness. The last vision I had-those dark eyes.