The first night, Bucky stays awake and lies next to [Y/N] to watch her. The new knowledge about her life tortures her in her dreams, making her toss and turn and whimper. Bucky can only guess what pain she is going through but he knows that he can't wake her up because these dreams need to be dreamed. Even if he would wake her up to spare her these nightmares tonight, she'd eventually sleep and the dreams would come back, no matter how much time passes. She needs those dreams to recover. He knows too well because he had the same kind of nightmares for months. His nights looked just like hers for a long time, tossing and turning, his body bathed in sweat while his subconscious tried to process his life. It had been months of agony until a pair of beautiful [y/ec] eyes looked at him one night and slowly pulled him out of his dark dreams. Her eyes had been like a light in the darkness that he still had to think about in Wakanda. It was the memory of her looks full off affection, understanding and courage that kept him going on in Wakanda, trying to fight the Winter Soldier programming. It was [Y/N] that motivated him to not give up, even though she wasn't there with him.
When [Y/N]'s state worries Bucky too much, he begins to stroke her arm, grabs her hand or pulls her into his arms where he holds her protectively. Sometimes, when the nightmares become too much, she wakes up, frightened. But the first thing she always sees is Bucky, who looks at her sympathetically and always seems to know what she needs. When she doesn't want to be touched, he just waits for her to calm down and puts the blanket back over her until she falls asleep again. When she sits on her bed, trying to even her breath, he sits with her. Sometimes, he wraps her in his arms and rests his head on her shoulder until her heartbeat and breath adjust to his rhythm.
When the sun rises the next morning and shines in the bedroom, [Y/N] is sleeping a little more calmly, but her forehead is wrinkled, her eyes narrowed slightly and Bucky knows that she still has no pleasant dreams. Nevertheless, he is relieved to see that she seems to be slowly settling down. With a tired smile, he runs his thumb over her face and watches how her facial features relax as a result of his touch.
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The next morning, Steve walks through the kitchen restlessly and Natasha turns to him with a grin. "Please stand still for at least a moment" she says and tries to lighten up the mood while they wait for the coffee to be ready.
But Steve barely notices his friend until she grabs his hands and thus gets his focus. "I'm sorry, Natasha" he sighs when their eyes meet.
"You should be. You're making me all restless and I have not even had my first coffee yet" she grins but Steve's mood is still not improving. "Stop worrying, Rogers. [Y/N] is with Barnes so I'm sure she's fine."
"How can I not worry? It's my fault she's in that state!"
"It's not your fault, Steve" says Natasha gently and strokes his hand soothingly with her thumb. A sad expression can be seen in her eyes that comes from the concern about her friends. She hates to see that Steve blames himself whenever something goes wrong. "That was Hydra's work alone. You have nothing to do with it, therefore it is not your fault."
"Maybe I should have-"
"You've done everything right!" Natasha interrupts before he can continue. "If you wouldn't, I wouldnt't have accompanied you. It was the right thing to do and deep down you know it, too."
Finally, she seems to get through to him so Natasha lets go of his hand and grabs the two cups of coffee, of which she hands one to Steve. "Now, let's have some breakfast before you continue to overthink. The day is still long enough for that."
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[Y/N] lies in her bed and watches Bucky's even breathing after he fell asleep sometime this morning. Only when he was sure that [Y/N] was feeling a little better, he too had allowed himself to rest and fell straight into a deep sleep.
Watching him like this has something calming for [Y/N] and a smile full of admiration lies on her lips. When it comes to Bucky, she feels a form of affection that she does not feel for anyone else, leaving no doubt about her strong feelings for him. Feelings that go far beyond friendship or simple attraction. These are feelings that make her want to wake up next to him every morning, hear his voice every day and feel his lips on her skin and on her lips every day. Lips that have previously only kissed her cheek, forehead or lips and to which she is already addicted to. When Bucky is with her, [Y/N] feels deeply relaxed, as if he were her calm anchor. Lost in the thoughts of her feelings for him, her fingers begin to stroke the bridge of his nose, then circle his jawline and strokes his cheek with her thumb, always careful not to wake him up. Eventually, her hand lands in his hair and even though he looks incredible attractive with the new haircut, she almost misses the modern Jesus look to which she was so used to. His new style is just another proof of how much has changed over the last weeks.
At this moment [Y/N] wishes that she could just stay here next to him. Bucky's closeness is the same safehold for her that calms the inner storm of doubts and worries that Bucky felt with her the day after their date. But [Y/N] wishes that it would be different. She had always taken care of herself and solved her problems on her own whilst now the thought of going on without Bucky feels unbearable and is something that she doesn't want to imagine. Yet she knows that her wish to have Bucky to herself is more than selfish. At some point they have to get up and leave this bed and her room. And at some point, neither Wanda, Sam, Steve or Natasha will be caught anymore and can go out of hiding. Even Bucky and herself would be free again one day and no one can assure her that Bucky will stay by her side then.
But as for today, [Y/N] doesn't want to think that far because it wouldn't get her anywhere. With a sigh, she pushes all these thoughts aside and begins to stroke Bucky's cheek again, this time to wake him up. "Hey sleepyhead" she greets him lovingly with a gentle smile when his eyes flutter open.
"What's wrong, doll?" Bucky asks in a sleepy voice and is immediately worried about her again.
"I'm going to take a shower now and when I come back you will hopefully be in your room and rest a little. Don't you dare to worry about me any more" says [Y/N] and gently strokes his cheek for a final time.
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"On your left!" Sam hears a female voice calling behind him and while he turns around to see who it came from, [Y/N] runs past him.
"Where the heck did she come from?" Sam mumbles to himself as he turns back around in disbelief and increases his pace to catch up.
With a wide smirk, [Y/N]'s powers allow her to feel Sam catching up and she slows down so that he gets the feeling that he has a chance in this run. As soon as he's close enough, both hear "On your left!" but this time it's Steve who runs past Sam with ease.
"Oh, come on! Not again!" Sam curses after his friends that hang out on Sam together, laughing.
***
"Yo, Little Miss Earthquake, using your powers doesn't make you a fast runner!" Sam complains sometime later when he finally arrives at the point where Steve and [Y/N] are already waiting for him.
"I'm sorry man but she didn't use her powers at all" laughs Steve and pats Sam encouragingly on the back. His lips, though, show a proud grin because [Y/N] was able to keep up with him so easily.
"You know I only let you guys win because Little Miss Earthquake is socializing again for the first time in two days."
"Shut up, Wilson! You didn't even see me coming!" [Y/N] defends herself with a broad grin. "You just can't take being beaten by a woman!"
"Didn't know there's a competition this morning. Sign me in for the next race though and I'll kick your ass" Sam says and still tries to catch his breath. He can't believe that not just Steve but even [Y/N] are able to beat him that easily.
The latter turns proudly to Steve as they're both still laughing. "How did I do?"
"Top notch!" laughs Steve. He was surprised to see [Y/N] jogging this morning but then decided to cheer her up by annoying Sam some.
"You two are really premium friends" Sam says sarcastically. "Hey, how about the next time a secret government organization tries to kill you, you find shelter at her place?"
"Stop whining, Wilson" [Y/N] laughs as they begin to head back home but then gets stopped by Sam, grabbing her wrist.
"I know you're trying to be all strong for us but you know that you don't have to, right?"
"You're wrong, Sam" [Y/N] says and frees her wrist. "I'm trying to be strong for no one but myself."
Annoyed by [Y/N]'s dismissive manner, Sam rolls his eyes and sighs. "Just know you can count on us."
"You're not beginning to care for me Sam, do you?" [Y/N] mocks him.
"Absolutely not" he replies with a smirk.
The two of them would never say it out loud but Sam would go through fire for her just as much as for everyone else. He was just as shocked to read about the things that [Y/N] had to go through and even though he never shows it, he's one of those who care the most about her. But heck, he'd never say that out loud.
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[Y/N] is sitting on the floor and lots of little drawing sheets are spread in front of her. Lots of drawing sheets with drawings no bigger than her own hand. Not exactly true to detail, sometimes very smeared and unclear. But they are fragments of individual scenes from her past. [Y/N] doesn't know whether these scenes really come from her memory or are based on the documentaries she has read. But she wants to put them in order. She wants to understand. She wants to understand what she did and when she did that and why she cannot remember. But while she is looking at these drawings and trying to organize them, new images appear in her head that urge to be drawn down. Only if she draws what's on her mind, it disappears. So she reaches for the pencil next to her once again and continues drawing until even more sheets are spread around her. Not one of them sorted.
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With a loud bang, Steve hits the ground and Natasha crouches on top of him, her knee pressed on his sternum, a winning grin on her lips. "You're faltering, Rogers."
Rolling his eyes and annoyed by his own incompetence, he pushes Natasha off of him and stands back in a corner of the fighting ring. "Don't get used to it" he admonishes his friend and wipes the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.
Natasha waves to Steve with her hands, her left eyebrow is raised so that she looks at him challengingly. "Ready when you are, old man."
***
"Do you want to finally talk about what's on your mind today or want me to kick your ass a few more times?" Natasha asks a few minutes later, when she has defeated Steve for the fifth time in close combat and is just climbing off him again. This time she has Steve's arms pinned to the floor with her legs.
"What if it was wrong, Natasha?" Steve sighs and makes no effort to get up again. "Aren't you worried about how easily she sees it all?"
"Of course I'm worried. But I'm sure that she doesn't see it as easily as we think. Do you know what she does when she is alone in her room?" Natasha now stands over Steve and offers him her hand to help him up.
"Maybe we shouldn't have looked for her file after all" Steve sighs and takes Natasha's hand. It's only been three days since [Y/N] had read her own file, but she's already walking around the compound as if nothing had happened. At first, it hadn't worried him. He knows that [Y/N] hates when she is pityed. But she hadn't even knocked on his door since then to talk to him. She never even told him about nightmares that he is sure could not have stopped just like that. Not so fast. He also understands that she's trying to keep herself busy because she needs the distraction. But she doesn't seem to talk to anyone about what she has read -what she had to go through- and that worries him.
"Steve, I already told you-"
"That it's not my fault" interrupts Steve with a sigh. "That's not the point. But maybe we should never have looked for the files. Maybe-"
"Listen to the pretty lady, Steve" Bucky interferes in the conversation now, who has been standing in the door of the training room unnoticed to enjoy the sight of his best friend's ass getting kicked for a few minutes and is now joining his friends. "She's right. What you did was right."
Natasha just grins at Steve, like telling him: Told you so. Steve, on the other hand, looks surprised at Bucky, who has that playful grin on his lips that he knows too well from their youth together, burying his hands in his jeans pockets. The two men hadn't spoken to each other since Steve had nagged him on the roof of the building and since Bucky either spent time with [Y/N] or holed up in his room, Steve had only seen him at mealtimes the last few days. Natasha, feeling the sudden tension, packs her things and then climbs out of the ring. "Two's company, three's a crowd" she says and leaves the men alone.
"I was already scared I had crossed a line last time" admits Steve embarrassed and takes a seat on the bench in front of the fighting ring, where only his training bag, towel and water bottle are left.
"You're always crossing lines" Bucky replies, taking a seat next to his friend, the smirk has not left his lips. "That's why we're here, isn't it?"
"Right" snorts Steve with a slight grin and continues to look at the floor in embarrassment. "How is she doing?" he asks more gentle.
"Who of us can really tell" says Bucky with a shrug. He, too, of course, notices how [Y/N] tries to be strong and carry on as if nothing had happened. But nobody notices so clearly that she locks herself in the room for a few hours like he does. He can hear every time she turns the lock on her door to make sure no one disturbs her. Only when she's finished with what she's secretly doing in there does she unlock the door again and allows visitors. "Natasha is right" Bucky continues after a short pause. "You were right. Finding her file was the right thing to do."
"It doesn't feel so right anymore."
Bucky grins slightly when he realizes once again how little Steve has changed in some cases. Whether stubborn or impatient, he is often the little skinny boy he left in the 1940s. "You still tend to rush things. I didn't exactly fall into your arms when I recognized you either. She needs time, Steve. She has to process those informations herself first." His grin now turns into an encouraging smile and is underlined by his hand, which he puts on Steve's shoulder and briefly squeezes it. "She'll talk to us. When she's ready."
Steve looks at the floor for a few more seconds, considering Bucky's words carefully as he enjoys the way of his little speech. Not that he ever doubted it, but Steve's more than happy to see those little moments where Bucky is still the same man he used to be, even though the latter thinks he isn't. Steve, too, grins when he finally looks up to look at his best friend. "Somebody turned your head a lot."
"I have no idea what you're talking about" Bucky shrugs off with a laugh and Steve joins in and the tension disappears.
"No matter how often we have this conversation, you can't fool me. I know you, Buck" he says and now gets up from the bench. "And this lady has surely turned your head more than a lot."
Bucky follows him. "I have not forgotten that you called me her boyfriend. I am not. So you better never call me that ever again or else you're in real trouble. She's just a friend."
Steve laughs again and pats Bucky on the back as he leaves the training room. "Just keep telling yourself that, Buck. Whatever you say."
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Even before Bucky opens his eyes, he reaches out to [Y/N] but his hands end up on the empty space next to him. Her side of the bed feels so cold that she must have gotten up a long time ago. Sighing, Bucky opens his eyes and looks at the empty side next to him and wonders why he never notices when she gets up. Normally, he has the lightest sleep in the world but [Y/N] always manages to disappear unnoticed for days now. It's almost as if she knows that he wants to talk to her and always finds a way to avoid this conversation.
His body feels very warm and sticky. Like every night for the past nights, [Y/N] had nightmares that made her toss and turn and her skin sweat. And as so often, Bucky held her in his arms until she slept more peaceful again but that's why he feels just as sweaty this morning.
He thinks of the words he said to Steve just yesterday: that she'll talk when she's ready. Still, he wishes that she would at least talk to someone. That she would at least talk to him because he understands her and what's going on inside her head.
Knowing that [Y/N] won't be back anytime soon, Bucky decides to get up and take a shower.
As soon as he comes out of the bathroom, the living area of the medical center is filled with a pleasant scent, which he follows almost automatically with a growling stomach. [Y/N] is standing in the kitchen, on the stove in front of her there are 2 pans in which wonderfully fragrant pancakes are frying. He takes a moment to enjoy the sight in front of him: [Y/N] wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a dark red tanktop. Her hair hangs loosely around her shoulders and back, her forehead slightly creased in concentration. He adores this view but he'd adore it even more if he wouldn't know that she's trying to run away from her own past and pain.
He takes one more moment to assess what mood she is in today and how to address her best. He's not ready to give up being there for her but he wants to tell her without scaring her off. Way too fast, [Y/N] builds up walls to protect herself that Bucky can only tear down with difficulty. And he knows the reasons for it all too well. Anyone who works for Hydra must not show any weaknesses. Those who show weakness will be punished. And punishment means further suffering. Just the thought that she went through the same hell like him makes Bucky shudder.
Finally, he approaches her, just when the first pancakes are finished. "So this is where you go when you leave that handsome young man in your bed" he greets her and feels proud to see her smirk in response.
"James, you are a good 100 years old. You are not that young anymore."
"She got up and decided to be mean" Bucky complains with a grin and stops next to her. "Do you cook for the whole crew?" he asks with wide eyes when he sees the mass of raw dough.
"Unless you wanna eat 30 pancakes all by yourself."
The amused grin fades and is replaced by a smaller one that shows a certain kind of sadness when he averts his gaze from the breakfast and looks back at [Y/N]. "So we're just going to ignore my complaint about you leaving every morning?"
The latter sighs and puts the spatula aside when she returns his gaze. Sadness and an apology lie in her eyes when she softly responds. "I really appreciate that you keep me company at night, Bucky. But you don't have to and you know that."
Bucky is exhausted because their conversation seems to be always repeating. He grabs [Y/N]'s hands to prevent her from cooking and pulls her closer to him. "You were always there for me in Bucharest when I had these terrible nightmares. Now I want to be there for you" he says gently. [Y/N]'s entire body tingles at his words and the sincere and caring look he gives her while his thumbs brush the back of her hands.
"Bucky..." she mumbles, not knowing what to answer but feeling really touched.
"It's okay" says Bucky gently and pulls her hands even closer to him. "Just know that I'm there for you." His voice is no more than a whisper until he finally overcomes the last inches between them and kisses her lovingly. This kiss is so tender and caring, as if [Y/N]'s lips were made of glass and yet there is an affection in it that makes her feel this tingling again. She looks at Bucky with dilated pupils as she realizes how strong her feelings for Bucky actually are.
Knowing that their little affair is only going on for about two weeks and that she shouldn't feel that way, [Y/N]
quickly frees herself from Bucky's grip and grabs the spatula again to turn the pancakes before they burn. Only the distance to Bucky allows her to take a deep breath and calm her racing heart.