It hurt.
It hurt like hell knowing the love of my life was gone.
When Gabriel had revealed Bellamy's 'death' on Bardo I was broken...but I still had hope. Part of me could still feel that he was alive.
It felt like I had lost that spark of hope now. Every ounce of my body felt exhausted, broken down and worn out.
When I lost my brother, it had been the hardest day of my life...but I had had Bellamy. Now, I had neither of them.
Raven had followed me into the bunker, even Murphy had tagged along. But I had refused to speak to a either one of them.
I sat on the ramp of the rotunda, my legs pulled up to my chest as I rested my chin on my knees. Staring forward, I tried to fight the feeling of my heart bursting-breaking.
Octavia had refused to come back inside, and quite frankly I didn't blame her.
I thought of her and how she felt. She lost her brother- this time for real. I knew the pain of that was unimaginable.
But so was this pain. How do you move on when you lost the person you trusted most in this life? The person you loved most.
Part of me felt that I couldn't move on. There was no hope anymore. Bellamy was dead.
How could I live each day knowing I would never see his face again? Knowing I would never feel his touch or hear his voice? I wasn't sure that was much of a life.
"No one wants to live here." Gaia announced from down below as a group of them shone lights around what would be our home for the time being. "But it'll do until we build our own shelter. There's a river close by, so plenty of drinking water."
I watched as the group gathered in the rotunda, a game plan being formulated. "Have you found another food source?" Gabriel wondered.
Pulling myself out of the ball I had curled up in, I stood and slowly made my way down the ramp to join the rest of them. I had to be strong...at least until I was alone.
Murphy shot me a quick glance, a small smile coming to his face as everyone watched me for a moment. I didn't say anything, just kept my head down.
Gaia tilted her head slightly. "We hear birds, insects...so there must--"
"What about power, Hot water?" Raven interrupted.
"No."
Murphy let out an exaggerated groan. "That's it. I'm out of here. Where's the funky ball with the green light?"
"There's no stone here." Jordan countered. "We checked."
"No. There has to be." Gabriel argued. "That's how Cadogan got his people out."
Cadogan.
The name caused anger to course through me at an unimaginable level. Clarke may have been the one to kill Bellamy, but in my eyes, Cadogan forced her hand.
"We lived here for six years." Niylah declared. "I think we would have seen it."
Raven picked up her helmet and pulled it over her head. "One way to find out."
I crossed my arms over my chest, my eyes feeling almost impossible to keep open. Too much had happened for me to focus.
"Raven, we tried that." Jordan assured. "Our helmets showed no sign of the Stone."
The helmet was barely on Raven's head for ten seconds by the time she pulled it off. "100 feet, straight down."
The stone was buried?
Upon curious stares from the rest of the group, Raven rose an eyebrow. "They gave you trash helmets so you couldn't get out."
"Perfect." Murphy clapped. "So we jump to Sanctum, have a hot shower, stock up on supplies."
"Bring my people home." Gabriel added.
A new voice spoke for the first time since the discussion...It was Clarke. "Raven, can I?"
Raven nodded, reaching out to pass Clarke the helmet as I watched them with dark eyes. Could I ever look at Clarke again without seeing what she had done?
She held the helmet for a moment, looking down at it before slowly turning away from the rest of us. In a split second she had swung her arm out and bashed the helmet off of the wall. Once and then twice.
Shocked yells flew across the room. "What the hell are you doing?" Miller yelled. "It's the only way out of here."
My hate for Clarke Griffin grew as she turned back to face us, no hint of regret on her face. "Earth is our home." She announced coldly. "Everyone from here is here...everyone we care about. I won't lose anyone else."
A bitter laugh fell from my lips as I broke the silence I had been plunged into since re-entering the bunker. Everyone's eyes turned to look at me, and it felt like the group as a collective were holding their breath in anticipation.
My dark eyes stayed locked on Clarke as I shook my head. "You mean you won't kill anyone else." I corrected, hating her for giving a holier than thou speech when she was the one who took Bellamy from us.
The words tasted like poison on my tongue as I spoke. "Stop making decisions for the rest of us, Clarke. You don't get to do that anymore."
She held my gaze for a moment, her jaw clenched as she gave a small nod. I could tell she was doing her best not to react to my words. So, she turned to the rest of the group. "Let's choose a room."
With that, she turned and stalked off toward the quarters, leaving the rest of us standing in a stunned silence.
I finally tore my eyes away from her, looking to the rest of the group. "God has spoken." I muttered before turning and making my way in the opposite direction.
I hated Clarke when she killed my brother, but I had learned to forgive her, to understand that she had actually saved him so much pain. But her killing Bellamy wasn't to save him. It was to save Madi from a potential danger. I knew there were so many other ways she could have gotten that book back- Bellamy didn't need to die.
Forgiving her was something I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to do.
---
Silence coated the room as I gently lowered myself onto one of the many cots.
I chose a room alone, not wanting to stay with anyone at this point. I couldn't handle the looks of pity, the repetitive glances and the quiet whispers. I just needed to be alone.
My mind raced with everything that Bellamy would never get to do. He would never get to be a dad, never grow old, never see a life without war.
I would never get to raise children with him by my side, watched as he grew old and I would never get to spend the rest of my life with him. Clarke Griffin ripped that from me.
My fingers twirled the ring from Bellamy back and forth, this somehow feeling like the only way to be close to him. "I'm sorry." I whispered into the darkness. "I should have fought harder to get you back."
A warm tear slid down my cheek. "I'm so sorry."
"Collins?"
The voice caused me to startle, and when I looked up I could see the light of a torch illuminating the outline of Murphy.
I sniffled, wiping away the tears as I turned my back. "Go away, Murphy. I don't want to talk to anyone right now."
He let out a low whistle as he entered the room. "Murphy? You haven't called me that in years."
I ignored him, laying down in the cot with my back toward him. "What part did you not understand about 'go away'?"
The bed dipped as he sat down next to me. "The part where I actually go away."
More tears fell from my eyes as I shoved my hand against my mouth to stop the sound of my cries. I hated being weak. Even in a moment like this.
Murphy could see the way my body shook with sobs, so my efforts to conceal my tears were essentially useless.
"Avery." He whispered, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Avery, please just talk to me."
I was quiet for a moment before letting out a large breath, my breathing hiccuped from crying. "I can't." I mumbled. "I-I don't know what to say."
All in one movement, Murphy had managed to sit me up and pull me into a hug. I stilled for a moment, not used to this kind of affection from him.
"Just listen to me talk then." He proposed, allowing me to rest my head against his chest. "I know you're hurting right now, more than you ever have. But you can't give up, Avery. You have to keep fighting for him."
He paused for a moment, letting out a sad sigh. "You don't have to forgive Clarke. I sure as hell wouldn't, but don't push the rest of us away too."
Reaching up, I tried to clear my face of the tears, but they kept falling. "I don't know how to do this without him." I admitted quietly. "He was there for me when I lost Finn, that's how I made it through. But now..."
"Hey," Murphy said sternly as he pulled me back in order to look me straight in the eye. "You have me, Avery." He let out a small laugh. "Listen...I know we didn't always get along--"
For the first time since I learned of Bellamy's death, I laughed. "--That's an understatement."
He glared at me for a moment. "But you're my best friend, Collins. Hell, you're more like my sister at this point. I'm going to get you through this if you just let me, okay?"
I digested his words for a moment. Did I push everyone away and let myself wallow in this pain, or did I accept the help I needed.
When I spoke, my voice came out so quiet it was barely a whisper. "Okay"
Grinning, Murphy stood up and extended his hand to me. "Good. Now let's go help Raven."
At some point, the lights had hummed back on, meaning Raven had managed to get the power and hot water running.
I stared at his outstretched hand. "With what?" I pressed. "She already got the power working."
He gave me a small smirk. "There's one more thing that needs to be fixed."
Reluctantly, I placed my hand in his own and allowed him to pull me up. I wanted nothing more than to sit in this room alone and cry for hours, but I knew that wasn't healthy. I also knew that that is not what Bellamy would have wanted me to do.
There was a time for tears, but right now was not it.
Murphy kept his arm laced around my waist the entire walk to the machine room, as if the minute he let me go I would scramble back to bed. He was partly right in that assumption.
As we entered the room, both Emori and Raven turned to look at us. Slightly surprised looks came to their faces at the sight of me.
"Aves." Raven breathed, setting down her tools and taking a small step toward me. "You're here."
I forced a small smile onto my face and gave her a nod. "Yeah. Is there anything you want--"
My words fell silent as her body crashed into mine, enveloping me into a bone crushing hug. "I'm so sorry." She whispered against my shoulder.
This wasn't the first time Raven and I had interacted since the bombshell was dropped, but this was the first time I looked approachable enough to try and hug.
"I'll be okay." I promised as we pulled apart, giving her a glassy-eyed look.
It was a lie, because I didn't think I was ever going to be actually okay. But I didn't need hovering eyes worried about me breaking every two seconds. For now, Murphy could worry. It seemed a lot less pitiful coming from him.
As soon as Raven and I were far enough apart, Emori had slipped in between the two of us, pulling me into an embrace against her. "We're here for you." She asserted. "No matter what."
"Thank you." I mumbled, untangling myself from her before looking at the work bench in front of them.
Sitting on it was the helmet that Clarke had smashed earlier. I looked to Raven with hopeful eyes. "You think you can fix it?"
Letting out a sigh, she turned toward the bench. "Working on it. But it's complex, it's not just trying to put the pieces back together."
I nodded, coming up next to her. "Because the helmet needs to actually work."
But before Raven could answer me, Clarke's voice ripped through the hallways. "MADI!"
I spun, startled at the sudden noise and confused as to what was going on. "Woah, what's going on?" Murphy demanded, popping his head into the hall.
Clarke rushed into the room, followed by Octavia who hovered by the doorway. I was somewhat happy to see she had made in back inside. Jordan and Hope followed closely behind them, looking as confused as the rest of us.
"Is Madi in here?" Clarke demanded, her eyes darting around. They faltered on me for a moment before continuing. "Has anyone seen her?"
Without even waiting for a response, she looked to Raven. "Did you fix it? I need to find the stone."
"Oh, now you wanna find the stone?" Murphy challenged, his voice full of contempt.
Spinning to face him, Clarke wore a distressed look. "I'm sorry, Murphy. " She gritted out. "You were right we need to leave."
"Why?" Raven questioned. "What happened?"
"Disciples are after Madi."
I felt my heart lurch slightly at her words. I could be as mad as I wanted at Clarke, but I didn't want anything to happen to Madi. She didn't deserve that.
"Has anyone seen her?" Clarke asked again.
Hope spoke, causing all of us to turn toward her. "She's in the rec room."
The minute the words has left her mouth, Octavia let out a surprised gasp as she was shoved into the room, the door slamming harshly behind her.
My eyes widened as the lock slid across, effectively locking us in here with no way out. It was the Disciples.
"No, no, no, no!" Clarke screamed, banging her fists against the glass. "Madi!"
Were we about to lose one more of our own?