Violet.
I leaned slightly into Harry when we laid in the blanket. "Love is really scary. There's this Italian poet who lived ages ago, named Lucretius, who explained it quite well. He said that when two people connect their bond with a relationship, they only grow more dependent on one another. Love is the only thing that, the more you have, the weaker you get. And it never truly fulfils. Physically, we want to become one with the other person, but that's not possible. Mentally, you can never read each other's minds, there's always a part that you can't reach. Lucretius called this the 'chilling sadness' of it all." I murmured, staring at the grass that I laced through my fingers with each movement.
"There's always going to be a weird look, or a smaller smile than you expected, or a shorter touch. There's always going to be this... uncertainty. It drives some people mad." I continued.
Harry listened intently, a slight frown on his forehead. We were facing each other on the blanket, both half lying down and smoking our cigarettes quietly.
"And he didn't stop there." I sighed, "Lucretius said love is nothing more than a projection of what you want to see, on the other person. It's a painful truth, and the best kept secret out there."
"So, what he's saying is that it's not real?"
"He's saying love is a concoction of our imagination. We see what we want to see, which is why it makes us so blind and therefore, weak."
Harry frowned a bit and stayed quiet, bringing his cigarette to his pink lips that folded around it, sucking in for a bit until he let go and inhaled the smoke. "But what about all that soulmate stuff?"
I nodded. "That's something else. Even Lucretius admits there is only one person for us in the whole wide world. Plato spoke about it in his Symposium, centuries ago. Apparently, humans used to be born with four arms, four legs, two heads and two hearts. Man and woman were one, and they were powerful, so powerful they could challenge the Greek Gods. Zeus didn't like this, and ordered Apollo to split all humans in two, weakening them. One soul split into two bodies, so from then on they were separated and took all their time to search for their soulmate. They couldn't live in peace or rest until they found their soul-twin, because the feelings of fear and anger would only subside if they found one another again. They were weak and easy to kill when they were apart."
"Do you believe in that?"
I shrugged a bit. "I kind of do. They were quite heteronormative though back then. And I think we can love more than one person in our lives, we can even love more than one person at the same time. But there is only one soulmate for us all, and there's a good chance we don't even find them. Ever."
"So we're doomed to be unhappy?" Harry chuckled dryly and I shook my head. "Not necessarily. You can be happy with someone, you can love someone. It's just... difficult." I sighed, "Feelings are difficult."
"You seem to have a lot of them." He remarked and I rolled my eyes. "You're the one who said you loved me."
Harry rolled on his back with a groan and a frown. "I wish I could erase your bloody memory. Can I make an adjustement to that statement?"
I cocked up an eyebrow with a small smile on my lips before I nodded. "Go ahead." I leaned on my elbow, lying down on my side. Harry mimicked my position, face to face with me.
"I like you."
I didn't know why that statement meant more to me than him saying he loved me. Maybe because this was something he actually probably meant. His face lit up when he saw my reaction, which consisted of a beaming smile and a slight blush on my cheeks as I broke the heavy eye contact.
"Okay."
"Okay." Harry chuckled.
I cackled a bit and my shoulders shook with amusement. We fell quiet again for a bit and I noticed Harry had fluttered his eyes closed as he was on his back again, enjoying the rays of sunlight that were lighting up his skin a bit. He seemed calm, peaceful. I put out my cigarette in a patch of dirt in the grass, chucking it in an empty beer can that I would later dispose of.
"How do you know so much about this love-stuff?" Harry asked. I tried my best not to stare at him, but on the other hand I wanted to take this opportunity since he had his eyes closed. He had shaved a couple of days ago, slight stubble appearing on his jaw and upper lip. It suited him, gave him a bit of a scruffy look that only added to him looking older than his actual age.
"I took a class in college about philosophy of sexuality. Not really anything to do with my job, but I had always been interested in mythology so I just did it for myself."
Harry nodded at my answer and let out a content sigh, feeling warm on this March Monday, in the sun in the park.
"So how did it end with this Lucretio-guy?"
"Lucretius." I corrected him. "And how do you think? The idiot fell in love, couldn't deal with heartbreak and ended his own life."
"Hmm." Harry hummed in an answer.
"Louis mentioned something about me joining you in another meeting." I mumbled and Harry looked to his side to see my face as I rolled on my stomach, holding myself up by my elbows. "Would you?"
"We both know what that would mean. I don't have an out then anymore."
"I tried once, about a year ago, to ask a girl to a meeting for a second time. She was nice, and pretty, so I decided to risk it. But she knew what it meant and freaked out tremendously. She called me the devil."
I chuckled. "That's not that bad." My fingers played with a daisy that grew in the grass, slowly plucking it from the petals it had, one by one.
Harry laughed. "She literally called me the personification of evil. I'd rather not be referred to as that."
"The devil isn't a little man with horns and a tail, Harry. Many believe that he was once an angel who defied God and eventually fell from heaven. He takes a lot of forms in human life, but he can be beautiful." I peered up and Harry's green eyes captured mine instantly. The sunlight made them slightly lighter and I quickly looked back down, "He used to be God's favourite once."
After a few silent moments, I spoke up again. "Why does Gabriel insist you bring a girl to every meeting, and why is he so set on official relationships?"
Harry sighed and slowly shook his head. "It's a long story. He had one great love, a long time ago. She was taken from him and died. He's different ever since, doesn't really let anyone in anymore. He always had this really bad reputation of being completely vicious, but when he met her... he completely softened up and let himself be vulnerable. He's the one who told me about all that soulmate-stuff. He insists we bring girls because... I don't even know, because it looks good? Powerful? Makes us look strong and protective or something. He said love was the highest form of happiness and he wants all of us to find one person and one person only, but then he also doesn't want us to make that person too important."
"He had a wife and she died?" I frown and Harry nodded. "Wasn't his wife, more of a girlfriend. But they loved hard, and passionate. He did everything for her, he had this... infatuation and absolutely adored everything she did. It was like she lit him up completely, and so he let his guard down. It was almost too easy for the rivalling gangs to take him down. He had always been mysterious and closed off, always on his own for the exact reason that they had nothing to take from him if he didn't have anything. And then he did have something, and they jumped at the chance to hurt him and make him weak. So they took her."
"Fuck... That's horrible." I mumbled, eyes focussing on the now naked daisy in my hand. Harry nodded, plucking some grass with his fingers as his eyes stayed closed, "He's really respectful, Violet. And it's why all the women in our gang get so much protection. We know it's a dangerous life, rival gangs are jumping at the chance to weaken us and they do it by playing dirty. They take the people we love."
"Is that why you've never had a girlfriend?"
"Partly, yes. I know what I would ask of someone and what they would have to give up. A lot of freedom. You don't just put anyone in that situation, and I've closed myself off for a long time. The less you have, the less you have to lose. The other reason is that I just never really found someone I wanted to do that with. I've met a lot of girls in my time, but none made me want to make that commitment, or ask it from them."
I frowned a bit. "So basically... Any girl who is in a relationship with either of you has a target on her back? Because they want to kill the girl to weaken you and thereby weaken the gang, to take your spot as top distributor?"
Harry let out a sigh and slowly nodded. "It's a lot."
"So that's the reason why Eleanor doesn't have a job, never joins Louis at the bar or never leaves the house." I concluded, it all making sense now.
"Gabriel likes that about Eleanor. She stays out of things and does as she's told. Louis can separate the two quite well and doesn't bring Eleanor into any of the business-stuff, she doesn't distract him from it. It's not that hard for us to defend ourselves when we're attacked in public, but they hardly even ever do that because they don't want to kill us. They just want to hurt us by taking our closest people, it's torture. When our significant other is there, it's like we don't have enough eyes to protect them."
"But why does Isobel join Liam then?"
"Liam's less paranoid than Lou. We're not really sure if they even know yet who Isobel is and that she's the one Liam decided to keep. So she's safe for now."
"And they know who Eleanor is?"
Harry nodded while still keeping his eyes closed in the rays of sunlight. "Her and Louis have been together for a long time, can't keep someone hidden forever."
I fell silent at this information. I liked Harry, and it was safe to say I had a bit of a crush on him. Part of me wanted to keep seeing him, but other part of me didn't know if it was all worth it. I knew he was somewhat baring his soul to me and that he had never been this vulnerable with anyone before, but was I really about to let myself get persuaded into a lifelong commitment? Having a target on my back for all my life, worrying about being killed the minute I stepped foot outside the mansion. Would I have to give up my job?
"And... What if we kept doing it like this? You know, seeing each other every once in a while, dating a bit." I carefully proposed, "But you'd bring someone else to the Sunday meetings?"
Harry raised his brows and popped himself up on his elbow to look at me. "You want me to bring other girls to the meetings but date you?"
"Just so it would stay low-key." I nodded, "But... You know, you don't kiss or sleep with them."
I could almost hear the smirk on his lips as I decided to not look him directly in the eye. "So you don't want me kissing or having sex with anyone else but you?"
I shrugged. "If you put it that way..."
"Right." He grinned smugly and I let myself drop on my back with a sigh. "Whatever, you're the one who's in love with me." I mumbled under my breath, receiving a smack on my arm from Harry while I snickered. That joke would never get old.
"So this lady in Gabriel's life, did you know her?" I asked, eyes still trained on Harry who had gone back to lying on his back with his eyes closed. He froze for a second but eventually nodded.
"What was she like?" I followed up, my curiosity getting the better of me. Harry didn't move when he heard my question but let out a shaky sigh. "She was beautiful and warm. Just a really great person overall, everyone in the company loved her. She was a dancer, by the way. It's why Gabriel wants us to dance each week. She's still missed so often, really left a hole in all of us. You... remind me of her a bit."
Harry's description of the mystery woman left me baffled. He talked about her with so much respect and admiration in his voice, even a small smile tugging on his lips when he was clearly remembering her in his brain.
"It seems like you're quite close with Gabriel, closer than the other boys." I remarked in a bit more of a quiet voice. Harry froze again and opened his eyes, just staring at the sky and trees above us. I could tell he was conflicted on giving me an answer and I was pretty certain I already knew what he was trying to say.
"You don't have to tell me." I added, not wanting to make him uncomfortable or pry information out of him that he wasn't ready to share. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes again. "It's not that I don't want to tell you."
"I know."
Harry seemed content with my answer and relaxed a little bit again. He took another sip of his beer before the can was empty and he put it down to the side of the blanket as he shuffled his body closer to mine.
His body hovered slightly over me, and I peeked one eye open to see he was blocking the sun from my view. He was just staring at me, and I cleared my throat in discomfort. "What're you doing?"
Harry didn't answer as he leaned down and captured me in a kiss, letting his hand rest on my waist as he pulled me into him a little bit. My eyes fluttered close as our lips softly and slowly moved together, and I reached one hand up to hold onto his neck.
He sighed into my mouth when I granted his tongue access, and his hand squeezed my hip before moving down to my thigh. He reached the naked skin and I felt goosebumps rising where his fingertips danced over me, until he rested his warm palm flatly on the back of my thigh, assisting me in rolling over slightly until I was on my side.
"Hmm, you drive me crazy." He mumbled quietly as we pulled back for air, and he rested his forehead against mine. We kissed again, and I almost forgot we were in a public space. All I could see, feel or smell was him. His hand was gently kneading my thigh as I held onto the nape of his neck.
When a dog loudly barked near us, we both jolted up and broke apart. The elderly lady, who was the owner of the dog, shot us a dirtly look as she walked us by and Harry cleared his throat before he moved back to lay down on his back, lips swollen from the kissing and in a slight grin.
My eyes darted around the people that were in the park, seeing some families with children, joggers, people with dogs. My eyes stayed trained on two men on a bench with leather jackets on, seemingly out of place in the light atmosphere of the park and the high temperatures of this day.
"Harry... Is it safe here? You and me in this park?" I mumbled, eyes focussed on the two men who sat next to each other. The sunglasses on the bridges of their noses prevented me from knowing what they were looking at. After what Harry had told me about Eleanor and the target on the back, I suddenly found it suspicious.
"We're not doing anything, right?" He frowned as he opened his eyes and followed my line of vision. "Shit." He muttered under his breath before locking his eyes with mine.
"I think you should go, Violet. It's not a good idea if you stay here or go with me. They know where I live and watch this place like a hawk. I should've..." He frowned and shook his head, "Fuck, I'm stupid."
Harry got up to his feet and started collecting the remainders of the food that were sprawled out on the blanket. I decided not to ask, and followed his actions by getting up from my lying down position. I grabbed the blanket and shook it out, getting all of the grass and dirt off of it before I folded it up and handed it to him.
"Don't kiss me. Just grab your things and go. I'll call you later, petal." He muttered, not making eye contact. I quickly nodded, deciding not to react to the nickname he had just used. I trusted him completely with this information and didn't want to put him or myself in any danger, so I did as he told me.
"Okay. Call me." I turned on my heel and walked out of the park, looking over my shoulder one time when I was nearly around the corner. Harry was walking to his front door in a hurry, and my eyes darted to the bench where the two men had been, but I frowned when it was now occupied by an elderly couple who were throwing bread crumbs for the birds.
I quickened my pace as I hurried home, and my breath hitched in my throat when I noticed the two men waiting for the same subway as me. They kept their distance and didn't make any attempt to approach me or talk to me, but they were there. I refused to make any eye contact as I tried to get a seat on the tube as far away from them as possible. I quickly texted Harry when the subway moved.
Message to: Harry
They're following me.
I flicked my eyes up to the two men who were a few seats away from me. There were many people in between us on the busy tube, and I quickly diverted my eyes back to my buzzing phone when one of them looked at me.
Message from: Harry
Shit. Are you safe?
Message to: Harry
They're not making any attempts to talk to me or approach me. There's a lot of people around me. Guess they want to know where I live.
Harry didn't answer for a while and I got up when we reached my stop, not surprised that they also got up and exited the subway. I felt slightly relieved that there were so many people here and I was fairly certain they weren't going to try anything in order to not attract any unwilling attention.
"Hello?" I spoke in my phone when I saw Harry's name popping up on my screen. He seemed slightly out of breath on the other line. "Stay on the phone with me until you're inside, okay?"
"Okay." I answered, glancing over my shoulder to see them walk about a few feet away from me. People wouldn't notice they were following me, they kept a good distance. A cigarette dangled from the one man's lips and I frowned when he took his sunglasses of and I recognized him. "Harry. It's that guy we saw at the bar that one night."
I felt annoyed by my own extremely vague description, but Harry seemed to know who I was referring to instantly. "Jason?"
"Yes." I nodded, remembering his name now.
He let out a sigh and a groan and I heard him shuffling around. "They're not going to do anything, they're just shadowing you. They're low rank. Okay, I'm going to get a few guys from the Oliveira gang to do the same thing, they'll be at your house 24/7 for protection and follow you everywhere. I'll get one of them to drive you anytime you leave or want to go somewhere."
I frowned. "What? That seems... unnecessary."
"Violet, trust me. They've seen you with me, they know you're... special."
"But you said it yourself, we weren't doing anything." I retorted, fear creeping up in my stomach when realization hit me that I was now a target.
"Fuckin hell, Violet, you think I picnic and make out with girls at the park every day?!" He snapped and I sucked in a breath before it trembled off of my lips again.
I glanced behind me again and took a sharp left so I was in an alleyway. I started running quickly before they could see me, and hopped over a few fences, crossed a few yards and climbed over a fairly low brick wall before my building was in sight.
"What are you doing? You sound out of breath." Harry's voice sounded slightly panicky.
"I think I shrugged them off. I'm home." I breathed into the phone, hurrying into my building and up the stairs until I was in my living room. I felt safe inside even though it was a lie. My building had pathetic security, the old locks on all the doors were so broken down anyone could get in if they tried just a bit.
"Good." Harry mumbled and I heard him sighing on the other end.
"So, I'll see you in a bit." I spoke.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm working at the bar tonight, right?" My eyes landed on the pile of bills at the dining table, knowing Pierre always laid them out for me when they were due soon.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"I need the money, Harry. Stack of bills smiling at me as we speak." I huffed, rummaging through the many envelopes on the table. My breath hitched in my throat when I saw another bill from Saint Mary's Hospital.
"Fine. I'll have you picked up by 9. Guy's name is William, he'll call you when he's there." Harry shortly answered before the line went dead. I could tell he was annoyed, but I couldn't just put my life on hold because two men had followed me home. I had jobs to do and bills to pay, I had places to go.
Harry's idea about protection seemed extreme, but I knew he meant well and that he deemed it necessary. The idea that someone would drive me to work every day was honestly quite appealing, much more so than taking the dingy train to the RSP every morning.
I sat down at the table and opened the envelope from Saint Mary's with shaky hands, ready to see how much I owed them this time around. I was about ready to just give them my full paycheck by now.
My brow furrowed a bit when I noticed how thick the envelope was and how many sheets of paper were actually in there. I shrieked when I saw a handwritten note, my eyes reading the first words.
'Hi Vivi'
I dropped the letter immediately and got up from my seated position while breathing heavily, staring at the paper from a distance.
It was too far away from me to read the words properly, thanks to my awful eyesight. I couldn't believe he had written me a letter.
I'd recognize that nickname and handwriting any day. I thought nurse Ella had said that he wouldn't contact me unless I gave permission? What on earth was this.
My shaky hands grabbed my phone as I angrily dialled the number of the psychiatric hospital.
"Saint Mary's, this is Lennon, how may I help you?" The female voice chirped.
"This is Violet Rae, I am the contact person for James, who is a resident at your facility. A couple of weeks ago I got a call saying he wanted to get in touch with me, and I specifically said no to that request. So why on earth am I finding a handwritten letter in my mailbox today?!" I gritted through my teeth, more harshly than intended.
Lennon had done me nothing wrong, but my anger and hurt were overwhelming at this point and I needed to snap at someone.
"You're the contact person for James?" Lennon asked. The sweetness in her voice only set me off more. "Yes." I bit.
"I'm checking his file right now, miss Rae. Apparently his therapist thought it was a good idea to contact you in that way." She concluded.
My heart was hammering in my chest as I paced around the living room. "I didn't condone any form of contact. I specifically said I didn't want to get in touch with him, so I don't appreciate this whatsoever. No means no, I don't want to talk to him, and I don't want to receive letters." My voice was shrill by now.
"Would you like to hear the explanation from the therapist himself?" Lennon suggested.
I rubbed my forehead and groaned. "No. I don't want to hear anything or speak to anyone. I want to be left alone."
Lennon sighed. "Miss Rae, schizophrenia is a difficult thing to deal w-"
"Spare me the fucking lecture on schizophrenia please, I lived with him for half my life, I know very well how difficult it is!" I barked, "Look, I pay your bills and appreciate all you do for the mentally ill, but I don't want to talk or hear from James ever again. Is that clear?! Don't contact me." I ended the phone call abruptly and slouched down against the wall when I felt like my knees couldn't hold me up any longer, heart hammering in my chest from the confronting phone call.
I never usually yelled at people, and I felt bad immediately, having half a mind to ring Lennon back and apologize for snapping at her.
I noticed movement to my right and saw Pierre's head peeking out of his bedroom door. "Everything okay?" He sounded slightly worried, which was unlike him. Pierre and I didn't have any kind of relationship, I didn't expect him to cheer me up or console me.
"I'm fine. Thanks." I muttered back, shooting him the most reassuring smile I could muster at that point. He nodded. "I left my share of the money in the drawer." He pointed to the hallway table and I nodded. "Right, I'll get to it in a bit."
Pierre disappeared again and I was on my own against the wall in the living room. The windows shook slightly when a train passed by and I tried to focus on my breathing and my trembling hands before I mustered up the courage to get up again and sit down at the table, the many envelopes in front of me, waiting to be opened.
I shoved the handwritten letter to the end of the table, as far away from me as possible, folding it up again without looking at it and shoving it back down the white envelope.
A/N
I'm actually so obsessed with my own story bahahhahha I have over 50 chapters written!!! Makes me so sad that people aren't actually reading it lol but at least I enjoy writing it