･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.
･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.
It was hot in the room. Each window and door seemed hammered shut, leaving nowhere to escape. Her surroundings were loud; even over the music, she could hear everyone and their mother talk about the two new Victors. Two. Two Victor's who were in love.
Johanna found it ridiculous. She didn't know if she dismissed the act or the people who believed it more. What she did know, was that she needed another drink if she had to spend more hours hunched over a table listening to the same crap.
Normally, the parties were bearable. Normally, she wasn't quite as alone.
It had been three days since Odette had walked out on her. That was a rarity in itself. Odette never got upset, no matter what Johanna did or said. Odette never left. Odette never not talked to her for three days.
The silence had been unsettling. Finnick talked to her, some other Victors sat with them at lunch, but that seemed like nothing.
She didn't see or hear her, but somehow Johanna sensed when Odette entered the room. All it took was a quick glance to find her; she'd always been more radiant than anyone else. Perhaps Johanna just thought so now that she didn't have the pleasure to look at her whenever she liked.
Odette was in a cream-colored dress that seemed to shine under the faint light. Her hair was straightened, and she looked less like Odette and more like someone who belonged at parties like these. Confident, with a smile and looks that just fit, and engaging in small talk as if it was easy as breathing.
If Johanna hadn't known her she would not have thought twice about it. But Johanna did know her, and Odette belonged anywhere but at parties like these. The small faltering of her smile, the way she clutched her drink, and even in the rushed movement of pulling her dress strap back up.
"Ah," Finnick appeared beside her. She hadn't heard him. He held two glasses, passing one to Johanna. "I thought you looked thirsty, but maybe I brought the wrong thing."
He grinned as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever said. She would have laughed had they not been where they were. Had things between her and Odette been normal. Instead, she shoved her shoulder against his arm, but took the drink. "If that's all, you should leave before I punch you."
"Someone's not happy," he followed her gaze, as if he knew too much. "What happened?"
Johanna looked into her glass, the strong liquid dark with fucking glitter in it. "Why do you think something happened?" She took a sip, perching her chin on her palm.
Finnick chuckled, she felt his gaze on her. "Come on, Jo," he said. "You're still you, she's still her. We both know she'd be here if you didn't fuck up somehow."
Of course it was true, but that didn't mean Johanna liked to be reminded of it. "I didn't fuck up. Why is that the first thing anyone thinks?"
"I don't know, you fuck up a lot?" He spoke as if it was simply known. A fact. Anger bubbled under her skin. She puffed out a breath, putting the glass down with more force than needed.
"Fuck you."
Again, he smiled. It seemed wrong in the conversation. Johanna couldn't explain why it mattered so much. It never had before. Except before, Odette had been the one constant. "See, if I was sensitive, you would have fucked up. But really, what happened?"
The worst part was, despite his teasing, Finnick really cared. He always did. "I don't know, she just got angry."
"She got angry?" he sounded surprised, placed his glass down, and stood a bit straighter.
Johanna barely believed it herself. She'd said mean shit to her over the years but had never been greeted by even a rude word from her. "Yeah."
"Didn't think she had it in her. Why did she get angry?"
Johanna sighed, taking another sip from her drink. She still didn't really know. "For some stupid reason, said I was angry at the wrong people or whatever."
"You should probably not say it was a stupid reason." He gave her a smile and Johanna rolled her eyes. She didn't mean to stare at Odette, but she was simply there, in line of her sight. Why would she look at anyone else?
"I know that," she snapped, suddenly needing fresh air. "It's just... Weird."
"What is?" The music was loud, their conversation had drowned out the Capitol people. She'd rather listen to them than have this conversation. Still, Johanna could not stop herself from telling the truth.
"Not... Having her around here. It's so... Quiet." It had the be the alcohol talking.
"Lonely?" He suggested, as if he'd ever been familiar with that feeling. As if he didn't have Mags and Annie and everyone who loved him.
She had to force the words out, would rather have kept them in. "I guess."
He was silent for a moment. The noise of the room slowly returned. The music, the talking, the scent of food and too much perfume and so much alcohol. "You could apologize. She's more than reasonable and totally has a soft spot for you."
Johanna scoffed again. "She doesn't, you idiot." Odette was like that with everyone. Johanna saw it in the way she laughed at Finnick's jokes, the way she held herself stronger than she was so Cecelia didn't worry. Even now, looking across the room, she saw that gentle softness as she spoke to Capitol people.
"Wouldn't say I'm the idiot here," Finnick mumbled, finishing his drink.
Johanna shoved him. He lost his balance for a moment. "Alright, enough advice. Fuck off."
"I'm serious! Just... You know, talk to her. Say sorry and try to mean it," he didn't join her at the table again, instead gave her what could pass for a casual grin before he waved at Coral and left Johanna alone.
She drank the last of her drink, involuntarily glancing back at Odette. The woman was pushing her strap back up, laughing at something that was said.
Johanna hated to admit it, but the situation affected her more than she wanted it to. Odette was an excellent buffer, though she wouldn't be reduced to just that. They only saw each other two weeks a year.
Maybe she would try and fix it if she knew how to. If it would be worth it. In two days, they'd be on the train back home. Next year, they would have forgotten the argument, and things would go back to normal. So Johanna left the table, just to be certain she wouldn't change her mind when she glanced up again.
***
The assholes showed them 'live footage'. They were filming the new Victor's fresh out of surgery, talking to their doctors, the nurses, the stylists. Johanna would bet money on that they were wearing makeup. Kids in an artificial coma with makeup just so others could look at them.
Johanna had left the room then. She remembered coming home, being hugged and there were so many tears. Over the following two weeks, she forced herself to watch everything they aired. She remembered seeing herself on a hospital bed. It had been strange. Watching it all had been, but there was something so wrong about seeing yourself unconscious and hurt. It was a moment not meant to be captured by a camera.
Of course, shortly after that had been the least of her worries, but it never failed to anger her.
Fresh air didn't help; the balcony was small and beneath her, she heard the loud voices of the people setting up the ridiculous fireworks. All they were talking about were the new Victor's.
She was already on edge when she was ushered inside to watch the fireworks with all the guests. At least that meant the night was finally coming to an end.
Everyone was already gathered at the large windows. Excited hums ran through the room, the music had cut off and somehow that was even more terrible. There were hushed whispers, meant to be shared between just a few people. Loud and drunk chatter and laughter. The thin atmosphere of 'party' had been broken.
Johanna found a spot with fewer people near the end of the window. The sight was blocked by a few trees and the curtain that wasn't pinned to the wall anymore. She didn't care. She didn't care about their stupid fucking fireworks or this stupid party.
She stood behind a handful of people, most were quiet in their anticipation. Johanna just wanted this to be over with, but a few kept talking and giggling. Her eyes followed the noise, only to find Odette smiling at a man, his arm around her waist as he whispered something in her ear.
She wanted to storm off right then. Was she seriously doing this? With some Capitol fool, nonetheless. Johanna was nearly seething, not certain who she was really upset with.
The lights dimmed, soft gasps rising through the crowd. Her eyes stayed fixed on the duo before her. She couldn't help but notice how Odette stepped out of his embrace once he turned his attention to the sky.
Inside, the loud noise was muffled, the bang before the colors almost not frightening. It still sounded eerily similair to the cannons.
She'd never liked fireworks. Blue and pink and green explosions in the sky, but who cares. It was a waste of money, time, and resources. Johanna just wanted to go home. She had trouble keeping her eyes on the sky. They kept drifting back to Odette. Her dark hair was beginning to spring back in its waves near her face. One strap had dropped from her shoulder, but she'd stopped pulling it back up. Her arms were crossed, grabbing the other as if she was cold. From her spot, Johanna couldn't see it, but she knew her dark lipstick was creased and perhaps a bit smudged by now. That was her favorite look, partly because it meant they were going to kiss soon, and partly because there was something so wrong about Odette looking like she belonged in the Capitol.
Johanna wanted to say something. She was looking for the right words to begin what may turn out to be an apology for... well, everything. Words had never been her strong suit. It had never mattered before, because Odette wouldn't wait for her to string words together. She said all the right things and was content with whatever Johanna felt like giving. It seemed like that wasn't going to happen this time.
The man beside her leaned in closer, his face still turned towards the window. He whispered something to Odette, who offered him her best fake smile. His arms closed around her waist again, he turned to face her, continued speaking. Odette's smile faltered, which was a rarety. She picked it up just as quickly, but Johanna knew she was looking for a way out.
She leaned back, away from his touch, eyes darting around for someone to escape to. Everyone was watching the firework. Johanna was moving before she'd made the decision. She didn't have words, she didn't have anything to offer her, but that didn't mean she should be with that asshole.
People parted without complaints, the sky still exploding with different colors was much more interesting. She pulled the man's hand off Odette's waist, who took a few quick steps back. "Back off, can't you tell when a girl's not into you?"
The man gaped at her for a moment, then realized they weren't alone and he should say something. "Excuse me, we were having a lovely chat."
"Are you that fucking delusional?" Johanna snapped, shaking her head. "Don't talk to her again or I'll turn your fucking teeth inside out."
He spluttered, the few people around them averting their eyes back to the window when Johanna's attention left the man. She looked at Odette, expecting to see a frown. She'd gotten angry again, of course, that wasn't the way Odette liked to handle delicate situations.
But Odette wasn't frowning or angry or ignoring her. Odette was smiling. More like the full grin before the giggles came. "Oh, no, you're going to regret laughing tomorrow," Johanna whispered, grabbing her elbow and pulling her away from the people.
"Why are you always saving me?" Odette said as they left the people behind them. She'd pulled her arm free, but they were walking together. They both needed to get away for a moment.
"Why do you always get in situations you need saving from?" It came out sharper than she meant. Not that she was upset with Odette, in fact, she was relieved the girl wanted to talk to her now. "What did he want, anyway."
Odette pushed open the door to a balcony. In each corner was a big pot with roses. On this side of the building, there was no firework, only the bang and strange twinking sound. At least no one could eavesdrop. "What they always want," the smile had been wiped off her face as she leaned her elbows on the stone barrier with a sigh. "What party I'm going to be at next, when they can see me, when I'll be at their party."
"That sucks," Johanna had gotten her alone. She'd gotten her to talk to her. Now what? She'd hoped the right words would flow to her, or that se'd at least know how to start.
"That's one way to put it." For a long moment, Odette said nothing. She just stared out over the garden, the color of the firework temporarily coloring the bushes, the trees, Snow's mansion in the distance. Johanna stood next to her, at loss for words. She was gripping the barrier, trying hard not to look at Odette. "So, you've got me alone. I suspected – perhaps hoped – you'd have more to say."
Johanna sucked in a breath. She'd never felt the pressure to say the right thing before. There was always more than one chance. "I thought so too, turns out, I'm worse with words than I thought."
Odette turned to face her, but Johanna didn't meet her gaze. Afraid of what she might see this time. "No, Johanna," Odette said softly. She'd expected her to be angry, but there was just softness and honey in her voice. She turned her head. "That's not enough this time. I need you to try."
She was trying. Couldn't Odette see? She was fucking nervous to talk to her. She gripped the stone tighter, the roughness grounding her. Perhaps she wasn't trying hard enough. She could do better. "I guess I don't feel... great about what happened three days ago," she forced it out her, doubtly very sincere, but Odette placed her hand over Johanna's. "And, well... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten angry at them."
"Then why did you?" Somehow, it didn't sound accusing. Johanna released a slow breath, relaxing her hands a little. The fireworks were becoming less frequent.
"I don't know," she did know. It was easier than any other reaction. It was her default. She'd gotten good at blaming anyone but herself. "I'm just used to it now."
Odette smiled, turning back to look over the garden. Her hand remained on Johanna's, her thumb rubbing soft circles. "It suits you," she said after a pause. "I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. It just became... a bit much, I suppose." She paused, Johanna could tell she wasn't done yet. She looked at her again. Her lipstick was indeed cracked and smudged. She smelled more of sweat than of her sweet perfume. The wind had messed up her hair a bit more. "Am I just a distraction for you?"
The question caught her off guard. Why did she think that? Sure, she was distracting, but... "No, you're Odette Byrne, no one compares to you."
"Then why do you act as if I don't matter?" Emotion rose in her voice. She pulled her hand away. "As if our moments are... a convenience but nothing that's important to you? It's so easy for you to walk away."
She didn't know what to say to that. There were tears in Odette's eyes. She didn't try to conceal them, only waited for Johanna to speak. She expected an answer. Johanna didn't know if she had one. It was a loaded question with answers she didn't want to think about. Tell her to go away, a voice in her brain demanded. Beg her to stay. "I don't... that's not the case at all."
"Then why do you make me feel like it is?"
"I don't mean to," Johanna stepped closer, reaching out for her. Odette still leaned into her touch. "When we're together, everything is right for a while. You get me. Or don't make me feel bad about myself. You're..." how would she begin to describe Odette? A girl with a smile so warm it put the sun to shame. A girl who was kind through and through. A girl who was... "You're Odette, and you deserve everything."
Everything Johanna was not. It didn't matter, a few more days and she was on the train again. They wouldn't see each other for a year. Johanna didn't need to be able to give her everything. She could give her a good time in this wretched place and keep disgusting men away from her.
Except Odette didn't seem to think what Johanna did. Her eyes were big and glossy, not with tears this time. Her hand was clasped over where Johanna had placed hers, keeping her in place. She looked as if Johanna had just offered her the end of the Hunger Games.
"I'm going to kiss you right now," Odette said softly. "and we can just enjoy these last two days."
Capitol citizens were just a window away, but Johanna didn't care. It had been three days. She pulled Odette closer, the woman did as she said and pressed her lips against Johanna's. it felt good to kiss her again, good to hold her. Just two more days, her brain told her. Better enjoy it while it lasts. She intended to. She pulled Odette closer, satisfied by the way she melted into her.
･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.