I strolled along behind the stablehand as he led us to the horses, my boots grinding into the soft silty ground. The day was seasonably warm but a gentle breeze rolled from the ocean along the mostly open plains of the Tijuana river valley, just enough to stop the heat from being irritating. I lagged further behind a bit to meet Ant's steady pace, glancing around quickly before I spoke.
"Do you have a gun with you?" I muttered quietly.
"Wh- what makes you ask that?" Ant looked suitably baffled.
"I don't know I just thought of it. Jase carries one everywhere he goes," I wasn't sure if it bothered me or not. Part of me felt comforted by the unseen presence of the weapon, and another part felt there was something fundamentally wrong with that.
"I'm not legally allowed to carry a firearm in the States," Ant responded with an even tone, the ghost of a smile across his lips.
"That doesn't mean you don't have one," I pressed.
"Is horse riding considered a dangerous sport then? I wasn't aware you wanted to actually play cowboys," Ant grinned as we neared the stables.
"No, I was just wondering," I murmured, swallowing as a rawness in the back of my throat prickled and my head juddered with fuzziness.
"You're safe with me, Paige," Ant spoke seriously all of a sudden, his cool commanding voice always slightly lazy with a touch of arrogance that suited him. "And should the need arise, I'm equipped to deal with it."
"Here we are, this here's Bodie," the stablehand led a beautiful mahogany stallion forward, a white elongated diamond adorning his forehead. "Bodie's for you," he nodded to me and led the horse to the mounting block. I stepped forward respectfully and stroked his nose.
"Can I give him a mint?" I asked, shimmying my hand down Bodie's silky mane.
"Sure," the stablehand called back as he retrieved Ant's horse. I peeled open the foil concealing the Lifesavers, known to me as Polos, and offered one to Bodie. He took it gently and crunched it.
"One more," I whispered, stroking under his jaw. I climbed up the block and hoisted myself over into the saddle, resting my feet in the stirrups and coaxing Bodie forward with a click of my heels.
"This is Tido," a huge chestnut stallion was led into the middle of the barn.
"Jesus, you're big aren't you," Ant awed.
"You know it's always the men that are nervous?" The stablehand chuckled.
"Well he's massive," Ant scoffed. He let the guide show him where to put his feet and how to ascend over, Ant nodding receptively but looking a little out of his depth. I urged Bodie out of the barn and into the sunshine, instantly enjoying the sense of liberty. There was a strange primal independence and power to being on horseback, the sense that you could really travel somewhere as opposed to just going there. I knew it was exactly what I needed; fresh air, nature, and freedom.
We meandered down the river valley on a sandy white trail, verdant trees creating a shady canopy overhead. Wild nasturtiums in vibrant red decorated the path until the trees opened out to rolling plains, thick with luscious emerald vegetation; only the white sand trail disturbing the green, carving winding patterns into the land. We hacked on down to the beach, the wind picking up as we neared the shoreline.
"How do you feel about a canter?" I called behind to Ant, guiding his horse over a rock with uncertainty.
"That's the fast one right?" He called back.
"Not as fast as a gallop, no," I smiled.
"Yeah let's do it," Ant decided suddenly.
"Okay, go into a trot first," I suggested, easing Bodie into a gentle ride and watching Ant do the same after a first attempt. "Now breathe and sink deep into the saddle and stirrups," I glanced over to him as he adjusted himself. "Move your legs so one is right at the girth and the other is just behind it, sit up straight and hold the reigns firmly but with no pull against him," we continued trotting towards the shore, Bodie edging ahead with his supple, clean movements. "You're going to ask him to canter in a moment; you want to make sure your back is straight and tall and head is up and looking ahead. At the same time you want to anchor deeply with your lower body, relax your core and sink into his movements, okay?"
"Okay," Ant responded, looking incredibly out of place with his large muscled frame atop the stallion.
"Alright now apply some pressure with your legs and follow with your seat, make a clicking noise if you want, and once he's into it release the pressure on his sides," I instructed and watched Ant attempt to guide Tido to a canter. "A little more pressure and give him a verbal indication- that's it!" Tido relaxed into the movement, rocking Ant rhythmically. "Relax your shoulders, put the movement in your hips not the shoulders."
I urged Bodie into a canter and quickly caught up with Ant and Tido, almost forgetting to embrace the feel of the wind in my hair and the clear coastline before me with a fog of strange warmth obscuring my thoughts- it was making me slightly unnerved, but not enough to prevent me from soaking up every second of this experience. A gallop was out of the question for Ant, it could be dangerous for the both of them. But I had enough experience under my belt to open Bodie up to his full potential across the rugged landscape and surrender myself to the exhilaration of freedom.
I shortened the reigns and adjusted my seat, lifting myself up from the saddle and holding my own weight above Bodie's back whilst leaning forwards to his neck.
"Don't go any faster, just stay as you are. I'm going ahead," I yelled over to Ant above the smashing of the waves. I didn't wait for a reply as I squeezed in at Bodie's sides, urging him faster until he broke and launched into a full gallop across the terrain. I left Ant in the distance behind me as we surged forward across the sand, surf licking Bodie's legs in our rhythm. Wind streamed through my hair as I sucked in a deep breath, euphoria coursing through me. There was nothing like this. We flew across the coast until the snake of the river became visible and I slowed Bodie down into a soft canter, persuading him around with the reigns to retrace our course back to Ant. Once again we hastened, sun shimmering down, wind beating against my skin. I fell into the pulse of the movement, hands so supple on the reigns I could let go and trust in the synchronicity between the horse and I. You could let go. Surrender. So I did. The leather dropped against Bodie's neck and I focused on the cadence of his gallop, relying on the certainty of his movements and my balance. You could reach up, feel the wind slip through your fingers. I felt my hands reach instinctively for the sky, and suddenly they were there. Nothing holding me to the horse but our harmony. I gasped as the elation rolled over me and laughed out loud with a furore I thought I'd lost.
Ant returned to view, ambling in a trot on Tido. I relaxed my hands back to the reigns and compelled Bodie back to a breezy canter, swirling around Ant when we reached him.
"Were you really not holding on?" Ant exclaimed, finding it difficult to reprimand from the uncertainty of his position on horseback.
"Only for a few seconds," I smiled, still exhilarated. My cheeks stung from the force of the wind, a symptom of the thrill and happiness I'd found in life again, if only for today.
"You're nuts," Ant proclaimed.
"Let's head back," I said breathlessly, still heady with stimulation.
"So," Ant walked slowly beside me along the beach, our shoes swinging in sync as our feet dug into the sand. He'd made it back in one piece to the stables, stating with admiration to the staff that he had no idea what a workout it was going to be. We'd had lunch on the ranch and greeted the other horses until the sun was nearly setting. "Rob's Tinder date didn't go so well."
"Oh no, what happened?" Rob hadn't fancied the idea of horses, not so secretly hoping I'd have chosen the San Diego Zoo as an outing.
"She asked if he wanted to join her and her boyfriend," Ant cackled.
"No, and she didn't say anything before?" I gaped in amazement.
"Nothing. It got awkward after that, so he made an excuse to leave and paid for the tab they had so far. She asked him to add more on because she hadn't eaten yet!"
"Oh wow, that's awful. Did he take himself to the zoo instead?"
"No, he booked us tickets to Vegas tomorrow," Ant rolled his eyes.
"Vegas!" I exclaimed, suddenly a little anxious at the thought of resuming isolated life with Jase. "What will you do? Are you going to do the Area 51 tour?" That was the only thread of allure Nevada held for me.
"What, an independent tour bus showing you the patrol cars? No," Ant chuckled. "I've been in the Navy for years, I've heard enough UFO stories to last me a lifetime."
"Really? That's a thing... just something you all acknowledge?" My eyes widened in amazement.
"Well, a UFO is just an unidentified flying object. But a lot of military guys will talk about it, air force especially, Navy too. How do you explain the unexplainable?" He tipped his head questioningly towards me. Ant was relaxing to be around, his intentions and emotions always clear in his body language or expression. I recalled finding him brutish once, back in Jordan. But now I realised he'd been the commanding force I'd needed.
"You going to be okay with Jase whilst I'm in Vegas?" His blue eyes bore into mine. It unnerved me, feeling him read me. I paused a moment as I walked closer to the surf and swished my feet in the cool water, probably a moment too long whilst I contemplated the complexities of my relationship with Jase.
"I really hate him, Ant. I can't stop hating him, I don't know how to. It eats me up sometimes and I worry I'll never be able to have a normal life the longer he's in mine," I stopped in the sand, raising my foot and watching the imprint disappear as tiny grains filtered in.
"That kind of negativity will weigh on you, you've got to let it be. I know you hate feeling left out of the loop or like there's stuff you're not being told, but sometimes... sometimes the way you feel isn't the most important thing. I know it's shit, but that's the way it is. I wouldn't have left you with him if I thought we couldn't trust him, and I know that doesn't make much sense to you... but..." he trailed off, his gaze suddenly distracted by the amber sky.
"Wow," I muttered in awe, following his line of sight. The sun hung low over the horizon, ripples of pink and purple shimmying across scattered cloudbanks. The sky kissed the sea in a brilliant orange hue, peaks of waves catching a crimson reflection. The tide was coming in, water rippling halfway up my shins and dampening the cuffs of my rolled up jeans, but I didn't care.
"Yeah," Ant murmured, standing beside me in the swelling shallows of the ocean. Wind licked my face and whipped my hair but I was unnaturally warm all over, sedated in the beauty of the sky. A wild break of water teetered me off my balance and Ant's frame weaved forward smoothly, one large hand grasping around my waist, the other interlacing with my delicate fingers.
"I've got you," he rumbled softly.
"Thanks," I blushed, looking up at him ruefully. His piercing eyes met mine, his thumb lightly brushed against my hand until a wave crashed and sent us staggering back. I cried out in surprise, laughing suddenly at nature's interruption.
"Fuck," Ant grinned and guided me out of the surf with a gentle hand on my back. He wrung out the ends of his t-shirt as I assessed my lower half, chuckling to myself. "You're fucked," Ant cackled, looking at my sodden jeans. He wasn't much better off, but I seemed to have soaked up most of the tide.
"It's going to be a soggy journey home," I shrugged, still smiling. "Ant, I've got to tell you, I've had the best day. I really needed this, thank you."
"I'm glad, that's what I wanted for you. I'll only be gone a few days, but I'll get Jase to take you out more, maybe you could go riding at the weekends or something," Ant gazed at me tenderly. "You've come so far, it's only up from here."