Hi guys! I here!
so i know i havent written in a while, but that doesnt give me an excuss. i'm very mad at myself for fogrtting my goal, but...
I MET MY MOST FAVORITE BAND IN THE WORLD IN MARCH AND I GOT TO MEET ALL BUT ONE OF THEM AND I GOT TO HUG THEM AND THEY SAID THEY LOVE ME AND I GOT OF THERE SIGNATURES AND GAHHHHH!!! THERE PREFORMANCE WAS AMAZING AND I TOUCHED MITCH GRASSI! HECK I HUGGED HIM! AND I LOVED IT!!!!
So basically that was a fangirl molment, and ya...
but the band that im fangirling ( yes it is a verb) over is called Pentatonix
MY BABIES!!!!!!!! <3
But, my fangirl molment described it for you and thats not what im writing about. i did have fun at the concert, but it was after the concert that made me go, " Wait, whats that im missing?"
so I'm not even going to go into story time because the feels, but I will tell you why Im writnig this chapter.
So like i said earlier, Mitch Coby Grassi, Scott Richard Hoying, Avi Kaplan, and Kevin Ousual HUGGED ME!
The most important one to me was mitch. I love him to death. he is fucking fabulous and he doesnt care what haters think of his style! He is my firece queen who will never die in my mind :D and yes, he is a guy but hey, guys can work that crown like a bitch!
ANYWAYS... so when he hugged me, it wasnt one of those hugs where is one sided. he embraced me. ( and I died) But once i let go, i felt cold. his warth made me keep going this long, but honestly. I have never been hugged like I matterd before.
Sure my family members always do, but i dont feel it. but when mitch hugged me, it wasnt one sided, at all.
After the concert, and few days later im stuck in my bedroom crying. why? Because I needed another embrace like that again. And over. and over again.
Im pretty sure I sound selfish but honesty, wouldn't you think that your hugged like that from family and not some celeberty who doesnt know you, at ALL!
I felt realy depressed for the first time and i just wanted a hug like that again. but i knew i wouldnt be able to find it for a while. I needed love and family love wasnt going to cut my selfish desire. ( yikes! I watch toooooo much anime) I wantd someone to love me back as if we were married and in love. that type of love.
I have never been on a date before and now I wanted someone out of the blue to just say i love you. Im very pathetic, but i just wanted to be held, but i couldnt get that.
My brain took over
my right hand started to scratch my left wrist as hard as it could. Scars are still here from That March, but it wasn't my fault. It was my brains fault.
For wanting embrace, fo wanting love, for wanting acceptance. Is that all wrong to want?
Well apparently it took me in the wrong direction ( dont make a joke on 1D please, I swear to god...)
The scratching became frequent and up until now, No one, and i mean no one has noticed
I come up with really elaborate stories when eople do ask me about my scars and they believe it was true.
they dont even ask twice. And my friends say im bad at hiding.
I have a different mind when im not around them, and if they found out I know what they would say.
" Try looking at others hard lives before you think yours is the worst"
" i thought you said you never thought about hurting yourself... why"
" why didnt you tell me"
" Why now of all the times."
" do you need a hug?"
Well no i dont need a freaking hug. I need love.
##########################################
Sorry about the depressingness this chap. dont worry. the next story will surely make you smile :)
This chapterly hashtag is...
#PTXperience
#PTXonMyWayHomeTour
#Scar
I love you guys who read. I want to be one of those authors who people comment on like, " ILL LOVE YOU!" and stuff like that. Well for what its worth, I Love You