I'd been praying for him.
I kept on wondering if I had met the right one, or it was just the idea I had in mind that I finally found the person whom my soul loves.
Unquestionably, I saw him as the perfect person made for me. Whenever I was at church, I asked Him if this thing going on between us was His will, or if we were really destined to be with each other. I'd been asking Him if double happiness would be there for me until the end of the unidentifiable ending.
That was the prayer before Rex was diagnosed with leukemia. Now, the only prayer I could utter to make him stay longer is: Lord, please heal him. Please give him more time to live.
I know I've been constantly asking a lot in my prayers. I know He listens every time I call on to Him. He never abandoned us, never will. All I need to do is wait for His answers. Along with waiting is acceptance. Whatever it is that He wants to happen in my life, in Rex's life, is what He has planned.
The past months have been a roller coaster ride. A lot can happen in just a blink of an eye. So, while we still have time, make the most out of it.
I was on my way to church, the same church where Rex and I used to go back in college. I decided to drop by just to give thanks, and maybe find some time alone. There were thousands of reasons to be grateful for. First, for my growing family - dad and mom were able to reconcile after a long time - but they still chose to live separately.
My brother had also been rekindling a relationship with dad, especially now that there was already someone who would urge him to do that. I'd been looking forward to attending my brother's wedding day for a year or so.
Second, for the opportunity to be back in college again. Last month, I finally decided to enroll and just see where it would take me. Fortunately, I'd been enjoying what I was doing, the school, the new environment, the young classmates I had.
Lastly, for being continually blessed. I could go on with the list, but those are the primary reasons why living wasn't just about struggles and difficult times. In every dark corner, there's always a ray light waiting ahead.
I was taken aback when I saw Perry before he saw me. He was walking out from the church; he'd made an abrupt stop the moment he caught sight of my appearance. I was standing inches away from him, and suddenly became unsure of what to say and do.
Maybe we were both shocked to see each other here. He was the last person whom I expected to come across with, especially at this place.
In his most casual way, he beckoned and waved a hand without smiling. Amused by what he did, I returned a shy smile to compensate for his own version of friendliness toward me. Without doubt, he was trying to be nice, and I appreciated his manner.
I wanted to speak to him and ask, what was he doing here? Unfortunately, no words came out of my mouth.
Still standing a couple of steps away, "Hey," he said.
I responded by also saying hey. I was out of words whenever I tried to talk to Perry. His presence alone was enough to make me feel ill at ease around him.
We stood there, staring at each other for a moment. Hesitant if I should depart or stay a little longer, I rove my eyes. How should I break the ice? I thought to myself.
"I just want to express how grateful I am to you," he said. "We owe you big time."
"Oh, it doesn't cause me trouble. That was nothing."
He cleared his throat. "Do I make you feel uncomfortable?" he asked.
Maybe he can read my mind.
"No. It's just odd to see you here," I answered.
Though the confession from Rex came to mind. Perry was in a relationship with Catherine, Rex's ex-girlfriend. I shouldn't be thinking weird things toward Perry and that girl, but I did think that their setup was inspired by an infamous TV series. Those with love triangle type of stories.
"Yeah, it's weird to find myself here," he said.
"That's not what I was trying to say. You live on the other side of this town, right?" I continued. "Anyway, everyone's welcome here. Nevermind whatever I said."
"He's still inside."
Those words made my heart skip a beat. Perry didn't have to state the name of the person that he was referring to, I knew deep down who he was. I wanted to scamper right away into the church. He'd been staying in the hospital for three weeks for chemotherapy.
Perry was looking over the church when he said, "This is where he wants to go after chemo. Indeed, life has ways to make a person pray."
"I think you need to go and see him. I've already taken some of your time." he said.
I smiled at Perry before walking away, "See you around."
I still believe in miracles.
"Ask in prayer and you will receive."-Mark 11:24
I remember the first time Perry did us a favor. It wasn't a huge one either, but by recalling it was enough to make me laugh.
Looking at the direction his car was going, I tried to patiently wait until Rex was back from looking for a parking space. It had been two months since we left college and today would be the first get together of the gang. Kirsten and Prix agreed to go, and Angelo would bring Mitch along. Although Sten had her someone specifical, she didn't invite him to join in the fun. It was that we were already used to seeing Mitch, that's why no one would argue if Angelo wanted her to go.
We all agreed to see a movie as a group. Rex dropped me off at the entrance of the parking area, I was standing outside just close to the elevator door. All I had to do now was wait until he got back. Rachel let us use her car. Rex knew how to drive and after several months of test driving, he had improved.
There was a parked car next to me. I approached it without thinking twice and looked at my reflection at the car window, using it as a mirror. I was combing my hair using my hands, and adjusting the faded denim blazer I was wearing, I looked closer at my reflection. The tinted window made it hard for me to see if someone was inside. I bet there was no one, it was just a parked car.
"What are you doing?"
I saw Rex's reflection next to mine.
"Grooming."
"Don't you know who's the owner of that car?" he asked, looking at me.
"How could I know that? Some stranger is strolling at the mall right now."
"You shouldn't just randomly use someone's car window to primp yourself up. I'll give you a nice mirror."
"I have one. It's from Ayala, but I left it at home."
I stepped closer to him and made him look at the car window too.
"Now, let me fix this black as charcoal hair. Will you get a haircut today?"
I was just about to touch his hair when he moved away, stopping my hands from reaching the strands of his hair. He knocked at the car window.
"Hey, why are you doing that?"
"I'll just ask him a question," he said with nonchalance, at least he was not angry.
"What?! No one's going to-"
I wasn't done with my sentence when the window rolled down slowly, revealing a face who was inside of the car.
"What?!" the voice asked, annoyed.
Shock registered on my face when I saw who was the owner of this car. Meanwhile, Perry didn't seem shocked to see us together. I bet he had been laughing at me while watching me primp myself up in front of him. If I had an idea that this was his car, I wouldn't have come near it. I was embarrassed right now and I couldn't take back what had been done. I just hope he didn't record a video of me.
"Enjoying the view?" Rex moved closer to and put his hand on the window, his head protruding on Perry's side of the car.
I was looking at Perry when he held a middle finger in the air. Rex chuckled with what his brother did.
"What are you doing here? Got a date?" he asked, not aware that Perry was already pissed with him.
"Shut up," was Perry's response. I could tell he was not in the mood to play jokes on Rex or to play along with his tricks.
"My, not so gentleman. Where's Catherine?" he asked. I could see the smile on Rex's face like he was mocking his brother.
Perry stared at him. "Just leave."
His gaze landed on mine and he said, "Are you done using the car window as your mirror?" I just nodded.
What shouldI say to him? Should I thank him? When Perry started talking to me, I was lost in words. I got nervous when he was near me. I always thought he didn't want me near him either. Anyway, he couldn't do anything now that Rex had started to bug him. What was he doing in a parked car anyway?
"Take a picture of us." Rex demanded. That was a surprise. He was asking Perry to take a photo of us. What in the world?
"Idiot," Perry said.
I would want to agree with him and laugh at Rex, but I was frozen on my spot, tongue stuck at the roof of my mouth.
"Come on, Perry. It's the last favor I would ask from you. We will leave you in calm and peace after this."
And without a preliminary, he just took a snapshot of us using his phone. He didn't show us the photo, which I bet we looked retards. He put his phone back to where he got it and rolled the window down.
We banished from Perry's sight and walked back to the mall.
"What is he doing here?" I asked Rex.
"He loves to wait in the car. Don't ask me why, I just knew. He's waiting for Catherine."
How did he know that Perry was waiting for Catherine? I did not ask. Catherine would be the last person I wanted to talk about. Her name didn't sound so interesting to me and I knew mine was the same to hers.
Rex was walking ahead of me. I made a look at him, his back to me. He was holding his phone. Maybe he was checking something on it. I continued to walk behind him.
The clothing stores easily got my attention. It was a habit of mine to scrutinize every mannequin on display with the clothes they had on. I admire the quality clothes and how the color of each matches the exact type of dresses I wanted to wear. I don't usually buy things impulsively so I just take a look at them and think of when's the right time to purchase one.
"Have you told those three that we are already here?" Rex asked, looking over his shoulder to meet my gaze.
"Yeah, I did."
He stopped in his tracks and waited for me to catch up with him. "How about we get some snacks while waiting for them?"
"Sure, anything you want." I said.
His eyes were checking me intently. "What do you want to eat?" he asked before walking beside me.
We walked side by side, talking about the food we should get. We decided to have something new on the menu. Not the usual order we had when eating out.
I let him choose where to eat, I was just walking after him. Admiring how he had grown into a man just after months of wearing that school uniform. He was not wearing the usual t-shirt with band designs on it. Not Marianas Trench or Red Hot Chili Peppers on the front to depict the bands he admired. He had on a white t-shirt with one horizontal black stripe on it. He was also wearing a black jeans this time contrary to the faded jeans he usually had on or the shorts he loved to use. Even the color of his sneakers caught my attention. He was dressed to impress someone today, and that could be me.
He looked just like someone who could make your head turn as he passed by.
As we were about to pass by a clothing store for men, a girl who was standing in front, holding two paper bags, waved her hand at us. I glanced at the back to see if she was waving for someone else. I think I knew who she was from this point.
No one was walking behind us. We could be the receiver of her friendly wave.
"You knew her?" I asked Rex, he was looking in her direction.
"Yeah, she's Cathy. I mean Catherine," he said. "So, he's really here because she's here. That old man," he was talking to himself, it seemed that he was saying it to himself.
When we walked closer to Catherine's waiting spot, I had confirmed that it was her. The exact same smile, those eyes, they were familiar to me. I expected that we would stop by where Catherine was waiting, and we did. She said hi to Rex and asked if he was with his friends. She looked at me and said nothing.
"We are seeing a movie," Rex explained. "What brings you here?" he asked.
She held up the paper bags. "I'm doing him a favor," she said. Those paper bags were from the store where we were at.
She shopped for Perry? If it was what she's implying, then it was the favor she was talking about.
"That's good. He's starting to look like a dog while waiting. He's bad at it."
I watched the two of them talk, totally out of place. She started smiling while Rex was talking about his brother and how short his patience could be. She smiled like a princess. Yes, she was a real beauty. I couldn't be like her even with makeup. Catherine was like a living barbie doll and I was the pauper.
She looked at me and held the gaze for a moment. I wonder what she had in mind about me. She didn't talk to me or ask what my name was. I think she knew who I was. Catherine didn't have to ask Rex. All she did was entertain Rex just like I was his shadow.
The next thing I knew, we were walking away from Catherine and he was holding my hand. It was the first time he held my hand in front of Catherine. We were not so good at showing affection in public or even when we were together, but when he did he could turn my world upside down.
He does love to play with my hand when no one's watching but this time it was different.
"Hey, what are you doing, Asis?"
It has been the most asked question for the last half day of my life today.
There was no reason to let go of his hand. I didn't protest. Something inside me was longing for this to happen.
"I just felt like holding your hand."
"If you're doing this because of-"
"I'm not doing it for anybody," he said, the tone of his voice had changed into something serious. "You're not my friend, Ivy. I don't see you as my friend. I hope she does understand that."
Catherine was there, his ex-girlfriend. She must have seen how Rex held my hand. She must think we were crazy to play this game and I was crazier to play along.
She once held his hand. She once played the role I was playing in Rex's life now. Catherine used to be the girl walking next to him, a hand binding them together. She chose to let go of that hand. I wouldn't repeat the same mistake. I wouldn't let go of his hand; I would hold onto it until it hurts.
Until it hurts.
~