Today is the day. The day I finally go into Marisela's room. I can't wait anymore. Everyday that I pass I'm more tempted to go in.
Everything has changed now. I've slowly started moving on. She isn't a distant memory, she will always and forever be in my heart.
If I were able to bring her back, I would in a heartbeat.
When everything first happened, I thought I wouldn't be the same. I never thought I would be happy again, my whole heart was taken away from me. But it changed once Veronica came into the picture.
I like to believe that Marisela sent Veronica to me. I know she watches over me, and I am forever grateful.
Standing in front of her room, I take a deep breath. My hands are shaking slightly, sweat is starting to form on my forehead, and my nerves seem to be jumping everywhere.
I can do this, I can do this. Chanting this to myself will help. I clench and unclench my fist trying to shake the nerves out.
The good thing is I'm the only one at the house. It's just up to me to go in. Taking another deep breath, I take a step towards the door and put my hand on the handle.
Turn it Mateo.
My thoughts keep telling me to go but my body isn't cooperating. Tears started to form in my eyes. Fuck. I can't, I can't. I let go of the door handle and put my hands in my hair.
"Fuck!" I yell out and start going down stairs. I can't hold back the tears anymore, so I just let them go. It was supposed to be easy. I'm ready, or at least I feel like I am.
Not even thinking, I pull out my phone from my pocket and dial Veronica. My breathing is fast as ever, my vision is blurry, and I'm shaking so much.
The phone begins to ring and I place it in my ear. It feels like forever before she finally answers.
"Hello?" Her sweet voice asks and more tears form in my eyes.
"Veronica," I manage to breathe out.
"Mateo? What's wrong, are you okay?"
"N-No. Can you c-come over?" I squeeze my eyes shut trying to calm myself down. I can't. I can't be by myself right now. Shit this is worse than I thought.
"I'm on my way. Stay on the phone okay my love," just hearing her voice calms me down more, but I don't calm down completely.
The whole time she's on her way she's talking to me. But I can't seem to talk back. I just hum in agreement trying to stop myself from shaking. It feels like the world is crumbling around me like I'm just becoming smaller and smaller.
"I'm here, open the door," I get up instantly and march towards the door. I pull it open and see Veronica standing there with a worried look.
She meets my eyes and immediately pulls me into her warm embrace. She rubs my back gently as I sob onto her shoulder. I can't keep holding everything in. It just makes everything else.
We stay like that for a couple minutes until she pulls away and walks me into the house. She walks me to the couch in the living room, sits us down and brings me back into the position we were in before.
"I'm sorry," I let out. "I shouldn't have called you."
"No you should have. I don't like it when you're alone feeling like this." She replies.
Her hands move up to my hair and call me down even more. She knows every little thing that helps me feel better.
A few minutes pass by and I'm now laying on her chest. One of her hands is in my hair while the other is rubbing my back.
"Can you tell me what happened?" She breaks the silence.
I look up at her and she has concern in her eyes. I have to tell her.
"I was gonna go into Marisela's room. I feel ready, I know I am. I just don't know what happened. One minute I was confident and the next it felt like I just crumbled." She nods and places her hand on my cheek.
"Are you sure you're ready? There's no rush Mateo, there's still time."
"No, I'm ready. I can't wait any longer, Veronica. Everyday I pass by there I'm tempted to just walk in but I can't do it alone. Can you be there with me?" I need her to be with me. If I can't do it alone then I'll do it with her.
Her eyes widened when she realized what I asked her.
"Mateo I-"
"Please Veronica. I need you to help me."
She releases a breath and begins to nod her head. I stand up from the couch and take her hand. We walk upstairs and stop in front of Marisela's room.
I squeeze Veronica's hand but not too tight.
Attempt number two. This is it. I can't back out again.
"Hey," I turn my gaze from the door to Veronica. "It's okay to be nervous. I know you say you're ready Mateo, and I trust you, but it's okay to back down." She smiles and rubs my back with her free hand. I stay silent. I'm afraid if I even say one word I'll break down again, so I lean down and kiss her forehead.
I take a step forward and set my hand on the handle once again. I can do this, you have to do this.
Slowly, I start to turn the knob. This is the most nerve wracking thing I have ever done. But I'm not going to back down this time. When I've fully turned the knob, I push the door and release the handle. It's as if Marisela is teasing me, the door is opening very slowly just like she used to do when I would knock.
My breath catches in my throat when I see her room.
It's just like how she left it. Her bed is pushed to the corner of her room like how she wanted it. Her perfumes and lotions are around her table where she would do her makeup. I let out a small chuckle when I saw all the candles she loved buying. She was so obsessed with candles.
I take a step forward and pull Veronica with me but she doesn't move. I turn to look at her and see a small smile on her face.
"You go. It's your time to be with her again." She nods and loosens her hand from mine. My grip on her hand is still tight, I don't want to let go. "You're okay. Go, I'll still be out here." She reassured me.
Reluctantly, I let go of her hand and turned back to face the room. Here I go.
Taking slow steps into the room, I take in my surroundings. It smells just like that perfume she used to love wearing. Lavender. She loved the color, the scent, the flower. Everything lavender she loved.
There are pictures stuck onto the wall to my left. I walk up to it and start looking at them. A smile takes over my face when I see a specific one.
We were taking family photos since Mariana was born. Of course, Mom was so strict on how we should pose and what we would wear. It was the last few pictures and Marisela kept telling Mom she would make a funny face whether she liked it or not. Before the last photo was taken, she whispered to me telling me to make a funny face. I agreed with her and that is how the picture turned out. Both of us made funny faces. It feels like it was just yesterday.
My eyes begin to water for what seems like the thousandth time today.
I miss her so much.
When I turn away from the pictures I see something that makes my heart drop.
Her camera.
There could still be pictures she hasn't printed out yet. I want to just grab it and look through it but I'm scared. I can't just leave it, I know it's gonna stay in my mind until I look through the pictures.
I pick it up and turn it on. Once it's on, I start looking through the pictures. The very first one I see is a picture of baby Mariana being held by Marisela. She's smiling down at her and this picture just shows love. The love I wish would have stayed a little bit longer. I take a seat on her bed and look at all the pictures.
The tears I had in my eyes began to fall out again. The picture I stopped on just breaks my heart all over again. It was just a few weeks before the accident. She was wearing that same lavender jacket like always, grey sweats and her lavender socks to match. Her hair was held up with a big clip like she always wore around the house. She was standing on her bed with sunglasses sticking up the peace sign. I was sitting on the bed holding baby Mariana just in case Marisela fell. Mom took the picture saying it was a "perfect moment."
She was right. Every moment all of us had were never taken for granted. Now looking at it, I could never ask for a different family. This is where I belong and I could never be unhappy living in this house.
Marisela taught me a lot of things. One of them being to always be happy no matter what. "Look at the positive side," that's what she would tell me. She always found a way to cheer me up and now I'm proud to say I treat Mariana the same. I share the same love Marisela gave me to her.
I look at the picture one last time before turning off the camera. Yeah I still miss her, but now it doesn't feel like there is an empty hole in my heart. It finally feels like she's fully with me. Like she will never leave me again. I love and miss her a lot.
Everything happens for a reason. After taking in the picture, I turned off the camera and set it back where it was. I stand up and look at the room one last time. I know I'm able to come in here but I'm not going to disturb her privacy. It's still her room and I want to leave everything like it was.
When I'm back at the door, I take a deep breath of the lavender scent and shut the door.
"See you later Marisela."
It's not goodbye. It's see you later. One of my teachers told me that 'Goodbye' means forever. I know I'll see her soon.
Someday I will and when I do. I promise I won't ever let go.