The dress was so perfect it brought a tear to my eye.
"She's going to have the breath knocked out of her when she sees you walking down the aisle" I managed to say while wiping my hand across my cheek.
My best friend, Dinah, twirled once in front of the three-way mirror at Merlili's Bridal Boutique deep in the heart of Coral Gables, admiring the tea-length dress she'd picked for her wedding in a few weeks. The dress was pure Dinah, down to the flouncy taffeta petticoat underneath the satin skirt.
"It's so playful and pretty at the same time" I said.
"Speaking of pretty, do you like your dress still?"
"Of course" I said with a wide-eyed smile, gesturing to the sleek black maid-of-honour dress I wore that Dinah had picked for me.
"It's totally you. I wanted you to have a dress you could wear again. Maybe on a date? A fancy night out?"
The words fell on my ears with a hollow clang. Because I could no longer wish for a night out with the woman I wanted terribly.
Lauren had left me that morning on the streets of Miami, ending our brief love affair and driving away in her town car. I couldn't fault her for taking off. I couldn't give her what she wanted - an end to my secrecy. That's what Lauren needed more than anything. More than my body, more than our chemistry, even more than our endless nights together. I couldn't tell her the truth about why I'd lied to the guy with the gun who'd been waiting on my doorstep that morning when we had returned after breakfast. What could I say? He's a mob heavy who's been assigned to me to make sure I pay off a debt that isn't even mine? If I told Lauren, she'd be a target too, because that's how these men operated: they circled you, ensnaring you on all sides until the people you loved fell into their crosshairs too.
That's why I'd claimed Lauren was just some girl I'd met in a bar, rather than a high-profile entertainment lawyer with an even higher-profile list of clients. I wanted to protect her identity and keep her out of the line of fire.
"And I will wear it again. Again and again. I promise" I said, tugging Dinah in for a warm embrace, even though I had no idea when or where I'd wear this number.
After we stepped out of our dresses, Dinah paid the final deposit on both, plunking down her credit card on the counter without a second thought. I felt a sliver of envy for the ease with which my best friend could navigate matters of money. Shrewd businesswoman that she was, Dinah had turned her fashion blog into a fashion empire. If she'd owed a big, fat debt, it could be paid off instantly from her flush savings account. If I asked, Dinah would pay my debt too, handing over the dough in a heartbeat. But I wasn't going to attach my best friend to this problem because that's how it became mine in the first place - when it was passed to me, like a disease.
"Normani said the meeting with Lauren went great today" Dinah remarked as we strolled out of the shop and onto the busy street, crowded with mid-afternoon foot traffic: mums pushing strollers into coffee shops and young hipsters heading back to work after lunch at cafes with all-organic menus.
"That's great about the meeting" I said, as casually as I could.
"Did she tell you about it?"
"Normani? Why would I be talking to her?"
Dinah shoved me playfully, "Um, no. The hot girl you went to California for. The hot girl I know you're into. Are you going to see Lauren while she's in town"
I shrugged and looked away, and those twin gestures were enough for my best friend to stop in her tracks and park her hands on her hips, "Woah. What's going on?"
And with that, it was as if a tight knot started to unravel in me. I might not be able to tell my best friend about my money troubles, but I could at least let her know about my woman woes.
"I did see her, last night. I don't think it's going to work out between us" I said, and I didn't bother to strip the frustration from my voice, or the residual sadness. A sob threatened to lodge in my throat and turn into a fit of dumb waterworks. But giving in to the tears was like kicking a brick wall. It didn't do any good, and you were left mostly with a stubbled toe.
"Oh no. Why do you say that?"
"She's too far away in California. And I'm busy here. And she's all about work"
"That stinks" Dinah said, and stomped her foot on the sidewalk. The gesture was so child-like that I couldn't help but laugh, "But at least you weren't too far in" she said, her eyes full of hopefulness. She wrapped an arm around me.
I was tempted to reassure her. To tell her it was nothing, just a night here, and a weekend there. But it wasn't. Lauren was more, so much more.
"Actually, I really liked her a lot, so it's a bit of a bummer"
"Then we need to go drown our sorrows in french fries and cake. Let me take you out" Dinah offered.
I said yes, and though the french fries were fantastic, they weren't enough, not even close, to forget about the woman I couldn't have. The problem was I didn't have any room in my life for her, and if I let her linger any more in my heart, I'd surely lose a game tonight.
Tonight was for winning.
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it's monday for me :) so i'm posting
i decided to make a time schedule, on mondays and thursdays i'm going to be posting at 6pm (uk time) for all chapters to follow
yall... i had a dream about my ex last night too, it was so weird.. we were at a party before getting married 😭😂