" I don't want to kill you, "
- G.D
"TESSERA... tria... dyo... ena..."
Kaz watched the life descend from her body like the decaying petals of a rose. Her silver pupils dilated, black pools flooding the whites of Natasha's eyes. Her fingertips trembled against the brush of the atmosphere. The air crackled a whip across her skin.
An exalted power filtered through her blood, pulsating in her core. The feeling filled her senses, capturing her in a golden net. Silver silks glittered like deadly night stars on her body, almost causing the others to squint. At that moment, Natasha Van Doren was transcendent. A human sitting side by side on a goddess's throne.
But then it was all gone.
Night scattered like a wild beast across the sky, trickling down from the clouds like black rain. Kaz couldn't see his hand in front of his face as he stumbled around desperately in the darkness. Screams bounced off the shadows, navigating blindly through the thick fog.
Natasha could see perfectly through her creation. She swayed over towards the Frejdan, spinning his gun effortlessly in her hand. Natasha pinched him by the tip of his ears, pulling him up to her height.
She clamped her hand over his mouth, humming under her breath as she did so. Shadows oozed from beneath her skin, dribbling out from the corner of the man's mouth. He twitched and convulsed in pain, attempting to kick at Natasha's ankles.
After a few moments, of struggle, he fell motionless in her arms. His body had evaporated into a sweet-smelling wisp of smoke. It curled up into the curtain of shadows, consumed and forgotten.
Bodies pressed against Kaz's, pushing past in search of light. He stood rooted to the spot, not allowing anxiety to settle in his stomach. After all, she was still Natasha Van Doren. He had faith in her, even if he knew he shouldn't.
"Lay down your arms," Her voice reverberated off the perimeter, echoing several times. She looked over the crowd, none of them daring to move. Natasha raised an amused brow as she watched a few Ravkan guards huddle like toy soldiers around King Nikolai's carriage.
"Did you not hear the first time," Natasha sneered. She dissolved a layer of shadows with a twirl of her wrist. Dappled lights weakly fell through the umbra as golden elixir poured into the mouth of Hades.
"We will not fall," A young Ravkan cried out. The others stamped their feet in time with his chants. "We will protect our king and our country. You will fall," Natasha rolled her eyes, pushing her way through the crowds.
"You," She said. Her tone was even, a paradox to the cruelty in her voice. "Your name?" When the Ravkan didn't respond, Natasha took his chin in her palm. "I asked," She breathed, her lips against his ear. "What is your name?"
"Graham," The boy sounded close to tears. "Graham Doyle,"
"Graham," Natasha purred. She traced her fingertip across Graham's stubbly jaw. He was no older than she was. His gun rested oddly in the crook of his elbow. "You've got a twin, haven't you?" She grinned, relishing the fear sinking behind his eyes.
"How do you know?"
Natasha shrugged, picking another piece of stubborn blood from benath her fingernail. "I and Gretel, go long back. She's a durast, like your mother and father,"
Natasha tilted Graham's chin to look him in the eye. "The family failure," She said scornfully. "You couldn't even grow a beard, let alone be Grisha,"
A tear rolled down Graham's cheek. "Now, don't cry," Natasha said maliciously. "You can cry in the arms of your daddy, but not in front of me," She thumbed away the tear beneath his eye. "Well?" Natasha crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you not going to shoot me?"
She tipped her finger beneath the gun's barrel, directing it at her heart. The breath tensed in Graham's throat. "Are you scared, Graham?"
"No?" His voice trembled, his finger shaking on the trigger.
"Then why can't you shoot me?" Natasha laughed, a trickle of darkness bleeding from the corner of her mouth. "What happened to the honour of your king?" Graham fumbled with the weapon, poking it harder into Natasha's ribs.
"I don't want to kill you," Graham whimpered.
Natasha rolled her shoulders back with a laugh. "I knew it," She clapped her hands, light returning to the quay. The soldiers blinked, negligent of the other sneaking towards the Ferolind. "You didn't have the fucking nerve,"
Natasha turned her back, turning toward the schooner.
"But I do,"
A single bullet gracefully shot through the air, cutting across the sky with the force of a harpoon. The Grisha steel glinted wickedly in the sinister sun. Smoke blossomed out the barrel of Nikolai Lantsov's gun as he stood at the front of the crowd, holding a black pistol limply in his hand.
"Natasha," Alessia cried out. The Shu attempted to jump the railing and reach her best friend before the bullet could deliver a kiss of death.
"No," Kaz whispered through gritted teeth. He grabbed onto Alessia's collar pulling her back. "Don't go after her,"
The bullet wedged into Natasha's shoulder, her stained lips parting in shock. The girl fell forward, her cheek pressed against the rocky shore.
Alessia shrieked in pain, clutching onto Inej's arm. "Natasha," She whimpered over and over again. "Saints, is she dead? Please don't be dead, please Natty, don't die," Inej slumped against the side of the schooner, tears beading in her eyes.
Inej Ghafa sheathed several hidden knives from beneath the floorboard of the schooner angling them all in her palm. If she timed it correctly she could strike Nikolai Lantsov in the heart. She looked up at Kaz to deliver the order, but he was still.
"She's gone," Kaz reiterated, taking the knives from her hand and stabbing them into the railing.
Kaz paced the deck. "Keep your promise, Lantsov," Kaz mumbled, his knuckles white. He tugged at the ends of his dark hair and bit his lower lip feverishly. "Keep her alive,"
Nikolai Lantsov presented to do no such thing. The Ravkan king stepped forward - a gun proudly cocked in his palm. He addressed the crowd with a dazzling royal smile, definitely not the smirk of a supposed murderer.
He bent down to Natasha's side, his lips against her ear. "I'm going to get you out of here," Nikolai whispered, pretending to grab her wrist. He pressed warm fingers against her pulse, a beautiful heartbeat flooding down her arm. "This angle is hardly flattering, but you pull it off very well,"
Natasha made to moan something out in pain. "Shush," Nikolai hushed. He stepped over her body, avoiding the murderous eye content Kaz Brekker was offering. "Natasha Van Doren is dead," He yelled.
Frejdans and Ravkans roared in delight. Wylen clung onto Jesper, burrowing his head into the Zemeni's chest. Even Matthias was squinting back tears in the ducts of his bright blue eyes. Nina's hands clasped over Matthias's.
Everyone mourned except Kaz Brekker. "No mourners," The boy whispered, clutching his crow cane tight. He liked to imagine Natasha could hear him and had whispered the phrase back under her breath.
He wasn't sure if Nikolai Lantsov had betrayed his promise, an exchange considered lightly as a change of heart. It was an offer, lovesick, Nikolai couldn't refuse. Natasha Van Doren in exchange for the safety of the others. A small sacrifice Kaz hoped she'd one day come to understand.
"I, The Ravkan king, have killed the biggest threat to our lands for nearly a decade," Nikolai thrust his gun into the air, graciously bowing before his audience. He swept his hand through his blonde hair.
Pain shot through Natasha's shoulder as Nikolai lightly pressed the toe of his army boots on her back. "Long live Ravka," Frejdan and Ravkan alike all whooped in joy. This show was nothing but a snagged opportunity for the Grisha triumvirate. Nikolai would become a hero. The Frejdans and Shu were now in Ravka's debt for killing Natasha Van Doren.
"Monster," Nina said, nearly puking into the sea. "Nikolai Lantsov, my king?"
The soldiers marched out, one by one. All until, a small group of Ravkan soldiers were left behind. The schooner floated on open waters. Kaz, did not ot dare to give the order to leave the quay just yet.
The soldiers grouped around Natasha's body. "She's hurt," Genya whispered. She fell onto her knees, wiping the sweat from Natasha's brow. Her long red hair was braided and pinned with golden clips into a bun.
"No shit," Zoya scoffed from beside her.
Genya shot her a frustrated look. "Why did you have to use Grisha steel, Lantsov?" She snapped at Nikolai. The king rolled his eyes, sitting with Natasha's head cradled in his lap. "Now you've just made my job a thousand times harder,"
"It was the first thing Ivan handed me. I couldn't just say hand me a bubble gun instead," Nikolai snapped. Zoya rolled her eyes, unravelling the silks on Natasha's shoulder. The silvery material was a foamy red and black colour.
"Such tacky material," Zoya sighed, ripping them off her torso. "Saints, I'd have shot myself if I ever got caught wearing this,"
"I'm not dead yet," Natasha hissed in pain. Genya pressed lightly against the wound with the base of her thumb. "See that you are horrible as ever, Nazyalensky,"
Natasha shifted beneath Nikolai's tight hold. "See that Nikolai didn't shoot you hard enough, Van Doren," Zoya grumbled back, masking the relief in her eyes. The air was eerily quiet over their hushed conversation.
"Kaz," Inej said quietly. Her steps made no noise as she lifted herself onto the railing. "We should go,"
"No." He crossed his arms over his chest, snatching his crow cane from Rotty. Kaz curved his palm over the golden crow's head, leaning his weight into his cane. "We don't leave, not until I say so,"
"She's gone, Kaz," Inej whispered. She looked over to Alessia, who was sobbing into Nina's shoulder. "I know this is hard for you. You loved her a lot,"
"I don't love her," Kaz snapped. He paced the schooner several times. "I didn't love her,"
"Kaz, I get it," Inej pressed on, but he lifted a hand to silence her. She stepped back a few paces, creating a distance between them.
"I told you, Wraith. I didn't love Van Doren. I've never loved Van Doren. The girl is dead, and I don't care. She's not the reason I am waiting here," Kaz's eyes betrayed him as a flicker of uncertainty crossed his features.
"Kaz," Inej whispered through gritted teeth. She grabbed onto his sleeve and dropped it after receiving a painful glare. "Don't tell me you did what I've to think you've done,"
"I don't have a clue what you're talking about," He shrugged off his jacket, rolling the cuffs of his white shirt. "If you are accusing me of something, Ghafa, I suggest you stop talking,"
Inej's shoulders slumped in relief. "She's alive."
"It's not guaranteed," Kaz grumbled, frustrated that Inej Ghafa had already discovered his ploy. Inej looked ready to both hug and slap Kaz. Instead, she clasped her hands together.
"Saints, thank you for keeping Natasha safe,"
"Shouldn't you be thanking me?" Kaz grabbed Inej by the sleeve, turning towards the very north point of the schooner. "I'm the one who arranged it all," Inej stared as the Ravkans lowered Natasha's body onto a schooner of their own.
"You sold out one of your own, Kaz," Inej frowned. "That is worse than death,"
"Please," Kaz scoffed. "It was either sending her or the Merchling. Besides, we all know of the king's little crush. It's not my fault it's so easy to take advantage of young love,"
"Brekker, you are horrible," Inej crossed her arms over her chest.
"My plan is why you're alive, Ghafa. Have some respect," Kaz rolled his eyes, dropping his voice low. "The others cannot know about this at any cost." He followed Inej's gaze to a curled and sobbing Alessia Ivanov.
"Even Ivanov," Kaz added in a dangerously threatening tone. "I have my insurance that Lantsov will hold his tongue. Besides, imagine how horrible it would look if he made a grand show announcing the death of a shadow summoner, who he couldn't even kill. It would make him a terrible shot,"
"Natasha won't ever forgive you," Inej said. "She's going to hate you for selling her out to the grand palace," Kaz looked as the Ravkan schooner made for east waters. "What have you done, Kaz?"
The boy shrugged, thumbing over the head of his cane. "She'll understand," Kaz said with a clenched jaw. "Natasha would forgive me, I think," Kaz's cheeks turned pink as he admitted to Inej. "I don't want to hear a word of this conversation repeated ever,"
Inej grinned, her dark lips flickering with a smile. "I'll think about it, Brekker," Ghafa said. Kaz rolled his eyes, walking away. The Ravkan schooner was now only a pinprick of a golden crested eagle.
"Steer the ship, Rotty," Kaz ordered.
"Are you sure, boss?"
"Did you not hear me the first time?" He spat. Kaz turned towards the prow, resting his chin against the railing. The others had retreated into the cabins for an early night.
He felt oddly alone without Natasha's presence bothering him. Kaz peered hopefully to his left, praying that somehow she'd materialise on the stack of wooden crates. Instead, Kaz welcomed the chilled stillness of the air.
Kaz Brekker rolled his eyes, limping to his back office. It would be another week until he was back in Ketterdam. At least another four until he could receive notice of Natasha's safety. Kaz looked out the window.
The stars danced through the window, an elegant spread pattern. Once upon a time, Jordie had taught Kaz every constellation there was to know. He had taught them all to Natasha for what he thought to be no particular reason.
However, their tale didn't end - couldn't end - with the promised happy ending. The pair didn't move on to naming dogs after their favourite things, purchasing a pale-painted house on Ketterdam's harbour.
Kaz sat with his chin cupped in his palm, a flask of tea congealing in a chipped teacup beside him. The night was silent in mourning. There was no happy ending for people like them.
Two people so in love with a future so far beyond their reach. Kaz buried his face in his palms, overwhelmed with the urge to cry. Kaz knew that the beloved were always those to suffer most.
It was what had taken Jordie away from him, his mama and papa, a string of friendships lost to time. But it had been Natasha Van Doren to be the Best Beloved of them all.
A/N
- Thank you so much for everyone reading this story! Just wanted to make it clear that Natasha is not dead. If you enjoyed please vote and comment. I love you all, thank you so much for supporting me these past three months
- rosa <33