Season 4
Sensitive Subject ⚠
Riley's POV:
I sat in my office, clicking my pen on a continuous repeat. I didn't even realise until I looked down and saw the miniscule scribble on one of the form sheets, having been created as I hovered my pen above the paper. I sigh, grumbling under my breath as I moved the sheet away and dropped my pen on the desk in front of me, watching the blue shielding hit the wooden surface.
My pupils perform a great eyeroll before ascending to the wall above where the clock was positioned. It was now four in the afternoon and I was supposed to be meeting Alfie in the lounge. I know Michelle told me to, but I can't right now. I haven't stopped thinking about James ever since he arrived here last night and I just can't seem to stop pondering over how quick he was to forgive me earlier this morning. How quick he was to say he loves me; to remind me of the people we used to be; the relationship we used to have.
My phone vibrates in front of me and a text message flashes across the screen. Both my lock and home screens were of James and I. His sisters were also in the photo. It was one we had taken at McDonald's when we took the girls out for the day and James and I were sat on one of the outdoor benches when we took the photo. Black sunglasses rested on my head over the top of my loose blond locks as I smiled, my hand resting under my chin and my elbow pressing against the table. James was smiling into the camera as well and the hand he wasn't holding his device with had been placed on my hip when he wormed his arm around the bottom of my back. Lola and Georgia were playing on the red climbing frames behind us and Piper had performed a back bend with a girl she had made friends with that day.
We still meeting up? the text read. It was from Alfie.
I ignore it and bite my lip, taking my phone into my hands and unlocking it with my fingerprint. I don't want to stand him up. I don't want to hurt him - that's the last thing I would ever want to do. But at the same time, I know I'd be hurting myself if I was to do what Michelle had told me to. I can't mess this up any more than I already have. Michelle's advice may be good, but that sort of concept is something that would have helped her during her Eldon and Hunter situation two years ago. This is my situation so I need to do things my way. It's not like I could commit any more severe damage, even if I tried. I did that when I kissed Alfie.
I reluctantly click on James's number after scrolling through my contacts. I still had the red heart and 'my world' emojis tagged along next to his name. I'd changed his name from being saved as 'Babe' to 'Jay' ever since Emily made fun of me because of it the first time he had rung me when I was over at hers and she saw. She found it completely amusing and started mocking me, bringing up the times I would despise James for calling me that name.
My most recent text message to him stated that we needed to talk. I sent him that text twenty minutes before I had called him last night, when he responded with a message that read a simple and plain: 'Okay'. That's when he showed up in my office. I hold back my fears and doubt as I begin to type out letters to form a text message. I didn't want to seem too-desperate, nor too-soft or harsh. I don't know where our relationship is at and I don't want to make assumptions where I act as if everything is fine between us when it clearly isn't.
Hey, where are you at the moment? I'm ready to talk to you. I need to.
I hope I wasn't coming across as eager and cross my fingers under the desk as three loading dots appear on the screen to tell me he was typing. My mouth was dry, my throat feeling clogged and used up. I'd cried so much lately that all my tears had come out like a series of waterfalls. Emily claims I'm dehydrating myself by not paying attention to the lack of water I'm consuming and even insisted on setting alarms on my phone. I got rid of them things the second the first one rang, making my head spin like mad.
My phone pings with his response:
Ok. I'm in the junction with Piper - checking if she's alright. You wanna go back to my apartment? I need to talk to you too.
Then as soon as I'm about to text back, he adds:
Without Piper, don't worry.
I text him back:
Okay.
I avoid passing through the lounge, not wanting to come across a baffled crush of mine. Crush. How can I have a crush when I have a boyfriend who I'm in love with? I've never felt anything like this before and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe if James was here this wouldn't be happening. Maybe I've gone delusional during the course of time he's been gone, but without knowing the facts and how I'm truly feeling, I can't be sure.
Entering the junction, my gaze almost immediately lands on James where he was sat on a green sofa in the corner with his arms resting behind him as he leant back, one leg folded over the other and he chuckled with his sister laughing to the side of him. They were clearly talking about something amusing as she continued to giggle like she was being tickled with a feather. I want to smile and laugh along with them. But I don't.
If it wasn't for the current situation I probably would have made my way over and sat down sideways on James's lap, nuzzling my head into the crook of his neck and he would have instinctively wrapped his arms around me. But in this instance, I hesitantly make my way over and their laughter comes to a sudden halt. Piper looks at me, swallows and bows her head, withdrawing eye-contact from me. It hurts, but I know I deserve it. I betrayed her as well as her brother and let them both down. James looks at me and presses his lips together.
"Hey," I say in a quiet voice.
"Hey," he mumbles in response. Piper doesn't say a word. "Are you okay?" he asks me. I'm the one who's in the wrong and yet he still feels the need to check up on me. This is exactly the reason why I don't deserve him.
"No," I answer, murmuring. "I'm not."
"Do you want us to leave and go back to mine now?" he questions solemnly. I send a partial nod. He gets up and slides his phone into his pocket after grabbing it from off the table. As he passes Piper, he rubs her arm lightly and leans down to kiss the top of her head. "I'll see you at home later, yeah?" I hear him tell her. She nods. And without another spoken word from her, James shortly joins me by my side and places a light and on my back.
He doesn't say anything until we walk out of there with me following him. His black five-seater car was parked only a few feet away from the front of the building and once he unlocks it, I get into the front passengers seat with him walking around the other side of the road to get into his own. I don't even finish putting on my seatbelt before he shuts the car door and then places his hand on my knee, getting me to look up at him. The seatbelt compartment clicks once it's in and then he talks.
"I'm not mad," he says. I feel far-too guilty to say anything. "I want to know how you truly feel, Riles." He called me Riles. "I love you and the last thing I want to do is have a go at you for something you have no control over even if it pains me." I lick my lip.
"I love you too, James." He smiles softly. "And I never meant for any of this to happen. I've been so confused lately and I just need a reboot," I sigh. "I want to start again. Not by us breaking up but by remembering what it's like to be your girlfriend." His face softens. "I know it's only been a few weeks but without you, I've felt so lost to the point where it feels like I have no purpose at all. I want to be your girl again, James. I want to cuddle you and kiss you and make-out in the bedroom because I've missed all those things and now it feels like there's nothing that links us. Nothing that connects us. Video calls just aren't the same."
"I want that as well," he responds. I look down where his fingertips were tracing shapes over my exposed kneecap where the hem of my skirt was resting. "You are my girl, Riley. Nothing's changed that. Unless you want to be with Alfie," he exhales. His hand finds its way to being linked with mine and then he places the other on my cheek, impulsively turning my eyes to become fixed on his. "Do you want to be with Alfie?"
"I," I state. Then pause. Then stutter. "I don't know." His left eyebrow arches upwards. "I want to be with you but at the same time I still feel something for Alfie. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's actually there or if I'm imagining it-" I'm cut off by my phone buzzing, the screen lighting up with another text from the guy we were talking about right now.
Where are you? I'm in the lounge waiting.
"Is that . . . ?" James asks, not daring to say his name. I nod, turning my phone back off and stroking my hair back stressfully. "Were you supposed to meet up with him?" His voice is soft and mellow, almost melancholic in a way. I shut my eyes for two seconds and breathe out before reopening them.
"I was," I admit. He frowns and removes his hand from off my knee. "James," I say. I snatch his hand back, keeping his eyes on me. "I don't care about him, okay?"
"You don't care about him?" he scoffs. I shake my head. "Give me a break, Riley. Quite clearly you were supposed to talk to him before me so why are you even in here with me right now?"
"Because he's not the one I need to fix my relationship with. You're the one I want and I needed someone. You told me this morning that if I needed you then you're here for me, so if that's the case then where are you right now?" I snap.
He remains silent.
I let go of his hand and sigh, trying to suppress the violent quiver of my lip as I begin to roll the sleeve of my cardigan up. His eyes meet it from where he had started to rest his elbow on the edge of the car door against the window with his nails digging into his temple as it rested against his knuckles and palms.
"Riley, what is that?" he questions when he sees the scars. I breathe in and sniff a little, attempting to compose myself. He turns and lightly grabs my wrist, viewing it for himself properly. "Did you cut yourself?" he ponders, rubbing his thumb over one of the cut lines. I wince. He takes my silence as a 'yes' and then looks back up at me. "When did you do this?"
"Ever since I kissed Alfie I've been feeling like shit. Even before that," I tell him. "No one wanted me to be studio head, James, and I knew I couldn't do it without you. I overheard A-Troupe talking in the rehearsals room one day, planning to get someone to dethrone me. I lost the first qualifiers and everyone sulked because of it. Sloane complained to me when I took her off the trio. Piper hates me because she saw the kiss. Michelle wants the solo and I won't give it to her because of how hard she's been working herself lately. Skylar began to detest me after I gave my spot to Amanda instead of Cierra. Everyone hates me and I just don't feel worth it anymore and I couldn't tell you about it because you weren't here," I cry.
"You weren't here and no one else could help me. The only person who understood was Alfie and he's been through so much with being a prince that it just felt good to have someone who understood the feeling of misery, so I'm sorry for kissing him! I'm sorry for having an affair with him! But where were you during all this?" I retaliate, letting out a small pant. "You were in London dancing your heart out," I say through a breath of air.
He looks down - in shame, I'm guessing.
"I couldn't tell you all this because I didn't want to disturb or bother you. I didn't want to let you down because you had so much faith and belief in me and I couldn't live up to it. I've been a crappy, horrible, unbearable girlfriend these past few days but no one's been there for me and that's the reason why. Instead, I had to be on the other side of things with everyone coming to me with their problems but no one acknowledged how upset I was. How many problems I was causing. And cutting myself felt like the only solution to take the pain away. It made me feel numb. Made me feel better. Because I couldn't go to you for help when I needed it. I had to wait for you to come home."
The entire time, he was listening to my spiel with full content, his eyes glancing from my cuts, to my face, to what a mess I look like. I lean forward to hug him when he opens his arms for me and my body reaches over the components in between. My face reaches into his neck, the tiny bristles of his face scratching my temples. I liked it. I liked the way it radiated his warmth onto me. I missed his hugs. With Alfie he could never hug me or cradle me or kiss me the way I wanted. I could kiss James for hours and never get sick of it. I could be in his embrace and never feel too-squashed. I could cuddle him for days and never get too-hot or bothered by it.
"I'm sorry, baby," he whispers into my ear, sending shivers down my spine at the mention of the name he had called me. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed me most, but you could have told me. You should have. I would have come straight home just for you-"
"That's exactly why I didn't want to tell you," I mumble, pulling back to hold his hands. "If I did then it would mean having to not only let you down, but also Eldon and West, and even though you might forgive me, I know that they would never. Not when it's such a big opportunity to become professional hip-hop dancers."
"That may be true, but I don't care about that, Ri. I care about you and I care about your health and safety. What if you continued to do this if we hadn't talked things out? What if I hadn't come back?" he questions. "You would have developed a large amount of blood loss and could have passed out and gone to hospital and I might have not known. You shouldn't be doing this to yourself. I don't want to see you suffering like this."
"I'm sorry," I apologise. He sighs and pulls me into him again.
"It's not your fault. I should have checked up on you more often."
"Does that mean we're good?" I ask slowly.
"If you want us to be. But if we are then we need to make sure that prince of yours is aware. You can't be dating two guys at once, love," he laughs a little.
"Don't worry," I chuckle. "I'll make sure to fix that."
"Good. But for now, how about we actually go back to mine, like I said in the first place, and we watch a movie? Your pick."
"Okay," I laugh, pulling out of his touch. "I've missed that. I've missed you."
"You have no idea how much I've missed you too," he tells me before sitting back and putting the keys in the ignition to start the car.