・❛ i have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants
i sometimes so madly indulge in.❞
┊iv. four
twenty fourth of december, 2013.
The cold winter already began to carve the air with its fierce snowflakes long ago, like misty petals falling from a levitating breathless garden. Clary felt as if her soul was in a farmyard as she left the ballroom, the pressure on the back of her neck as on her eyelids fatigued her and she felt a faint trickle of breath carving itself into her heavy lungs. The sheet music still throbbed in the back of her mind, her body's responses to the music had drained her energy. She had a brief fantasy of lying on a quilted blue cloud as her plumage loosened the rope of emotions like a hand flowing water from a faucet.
Just so.
Clary understood herself deeply─she knew that, beyond being tired, she was upset with herself for being sad on one of the biggest holidays of the year. Not contacting her parents was really taking its toll.
Too high a price. Why did it keep going up? God, or was it their damn guts? They'd always been underweight in love terms, but lately they were really acting like they were on some kind of substance─What was the reason? She wanted them to tell her, not keep playing Simon Says like they were at kindergarten level.
Jackson had written to her as soon as the sun had risen, he was so straightforward─how are you, did you sleep, and please don't overload yourself.
It wasn't so bad, she was still convinced. The thing was, Clary pictured his reason but her system rejected his reason, she didn't want to calm down─overloading herself with false serendipity was the only way to escape reality, like walking into a short maze of which you know the way there and back but keep looking for other exits out of mere distraction.
After all the teachers hailed her long hours of hard work these days which the trainees used to enter a familiar and comforting sphere─Clary also felt afraid that the privilege of success that provided her a third welfare would be taken from her as easily as a landlord takes a visitor's room, but she felt like a tornado as she disliked the imposition that had been made on her─they had a lot of power.
A lot.
She pretended to understand, but she was always more concerned with her own understanding of the matter than to care about their reasons─She couldn't control others' and others couldn't control hers. But they didn't want people all over the place, people like her. And she still hadn't said anything to the girls.
She felt uneasy and had to get up before she started to cry, she was terrified of that sadness just remembering it─Not again, this anticipatory drumming, before the beat bomb broke the ice. A spark inside her broke her capsule of optimism and began to spill out of her lagoon─This is all happening for a reason. This will make me stronger. It's not that they don't love her, the work is just too much and she could relate. Maybe they've just had hard days, they'll call anytime, sadness is no good when it comes to anticipating a happy time.
She would tell them they were the best but she couldn't go to Canada with them, because this was for their long term well being, it would be better than they could imagine─but they would try and maybe this would be the year she would run away with them, like any trainee. Video games on the jet and the smell of mum's champagne and swinging in the backyard of the big ranch, the sound of pure nature. Even if they were going to the Caribbean because they found they fancied an island that wasn't covered in ice, even if she knew deep down she wouldn't normally delve so deeply into her slow-motion melancholy─that was all the moment allowed her to think about, that was where she wanted to stay, pointing her fingers at dreams and constellations while it was still daylight.
Clary knew she had to stop when the race of thoughts became too fast, and her heart more and more empty of ecstasy, like an oasis without a palm tree─Like a beaver digging its own cave, she forced herself to smile outwardly. She was sure she looked on some serious crack and the thought barely lit her candle as she shook her head.
The voice of girls entering the hallway brought her out of her bubble like a cathedral echo. Clary recognised Jennie and one of the girls she used to share a singing class with behind her.
"Unnie?" When the girl looked up willingly, Clary stood up to greet her properly, "Miyeon-unnie, it's been a while!"
"Yes," she said, wrapping her in a hug, "It really has. Lots of things, lots of things," she hummed in an awkward fashion, Clary felt her eyes narrowing in concern. "Ready to be successful?" She uttered, mimicking a victory dance.
Out of the corner of her eye, Clary saw Jennie give them a sidelong glance as she opened her locker. Clary laughed, cradling her mouth with her hands then said something more carefully, "I should ask you that. Have they finally put you in the finalists line yet?"
"You see, I've had," she surveyed the environment with her eyes, to Clary it landed like a cold bucket, "some problems," Miyeon pursed her lips, "But we should talk about this when we have more time," her hand hovered over her donsaeng's for a few seconds like invisible quotes in her mouth. She started to walk away, a roundabout goodbye, "I have a date with the black tie guy."
The ettiquete professor, she understood. Clary decided not to be a curious George for once and helpfully said, "Anytime!"
But as soon as she left, she turned to Jennie and instinctively said, "What was she talking about?" She wanted to convince herself it was gossip, but she knew herself a little too well.
Jennie picked up her black bag as the creaky locker closed its doors between blue and white, she squeezed a smile, probably because she had already anticipated the question. Jen spoke in a whisper, as if she was afraid to weave it all the way through and the whole building would turn into the thousand-eyed Greek monster - or was it a hundred?
"She's been seeing someone─I think it was a guy from her neighbourhood, who for some strange reason is among my FaceBook friends," Clary shot her a look, "A situation I've already resolved. Thank you very much. "
Clary interrupted her dramatically, "Wait! You're getting sidetracked," she raised her eyebrows, "Who are you and why do I like you?"
"Hanging out with you is a bad influence."
"I get it, bae," she rolled her eyes in Jennie's elegant, francophile fashion, "your iq is 130+. Now shut up," Jennie let out a laugh.
Jennie put her arm on Clary's shoulder, "Save your tears, girlie."
Clary pressed the elevator button for floor 3─the cafeteria. Yes, it really was 11am and she hadn't had breakfast. But hey, when you're a trainee, it's more what you're prompted to skim breakfast than actually medicating your stomach with it─As the descent approached like an auditory tunnel, Clary swung Jennie's arms with her hands as if she were doing a very niche 'Billie Jean' dance in a disco at the crescent bloom.
"You really can't stay still, can you?"
Clary, who was previously just humming, responded with a very loud verse from EXO's latest song to the beat of some tap steps with her shoulders, "나 으르렁 으르렁 으르렁 으르렁 으르렁 대. 나 으르렁 으르렁 으르렁 으르렁 대."
The gates of heaven that were to lead her to the kitchen opened to introduce her last two academy angels, I mean, there were three of them. Sooya, Rosie and Lili. Jisoo's agitated countenance surprised Clary more than the fact that they were precisely there.
"What happened?" Clary inquired as she stepped into the elevator next to Jennie, Jisoo took a few steps back as she stepped into the elevator.
Rosé wiped the fake sweat from her brow as, as had become usual, she explained, "We ran into Winner but Lisa was so awkward."
Jennie cradled her hips with her hands as she leaned into Rosé's orbit, seemingly interested, "you ran into what?"
Jennie hadn't finished speaking when Lisa, indignant, opened her mouth, "Says the one who lurked in the corner for like 40 seconds straight."
Clary squeezed a smile as she imagined the situation, only to look with somewhat clouded vision at Jisoo, discovering that they were all looking for her pomaded look of approval or denial in the serious case.
Jisoo, holding up her hands, gave a hundred-pecuniary reply, "I don't know, man," She made a few crescents with the backs of her palms on her chest, to emphasise her answer, "I'm kinda sorry for the camera's guy, though. He's about to see the most awkward fancam ever."
That was so bad Clary snorted. She could almost see a sign going up announcing: TIME FOR MOM'S JOKES and Lisa shaking in the dance studio.
When Clary looked back at Jennie her expressions and posture had barely been pasteurised, Clary was briefly reminded of the look on T.O.P.'s face when he was over-drunk and trying to decipher the mystery of the elevator buttons with a crawling hormone, especially with that fashionable cut that made the boys look like a freshly peeled potato.
But she decided to save the comment for later, because she felt hilarious asking the girls about this particular brush with Winner.
Clary, in a neon bubble, fidgeting and excited, asked, "How do y'all feel about them?"
"I feel like I'm never going out you all anymore," Lisa looked at Jisoo and Rosé. The former threw a condescending heart at her with her hands like a howitzer.
Jennie looked at Clary, and she knew exactly what she was going to retell that experience even though she had already spelled it out for her several times in a row. "I actually met them in the studio," she told the others, memories flashing through Clary's mind like playing an ocarina, "Mino and I are rising twins," she said proudly.
"Which are the down twins?"
Jisoo had continued a conversation with Lisa and Rosé in the background, "Well, if it is about food, I don't think that opinion would stand still for long, baby."
"I kinda wanted to pull his wig," Clary told her, as she voiced the action with her hands.
Rosé sighed, it sounded to Clary like a plea as she too was induced into a painful reminiscence, "I love food," she said in blue tones, "I'm so hungry I could eat the air."
"Air is delicious," Jisoo replied, reflexively as she watched the elevator floors descend.
In the tunnel of deduction of what they were likely to get for lunch today, Clary pouted, like an elementary school child, "I like avocados. Avocados are lit. I want avocados."
"I don't like them that much," Rosé admitted. His words were like a punch to her heart, Clary was just trying to maintain positivity and the universe seemed to get by with its dark cosmos all the way to her galaxy. Suddenly very irritated, Clary glared at it.
"That means that if I'll were to marry avocados, you will not give me your your blessing?" She tried to tuck it up her sleeve like a tickle, but knowing it sounded too offensive and seeing her parents' faces again along with little thoughts in the back of her mind, she tried to lighten the gravity before it weighed, "Long live avocados, girl."
Jennie seemed to understand, as she said, "Wait, we were literally talking about Winner, cupcakes!"
"Oh, yeah," Jisoo braided the rope, "they called us ALPFEM," she huffed, "YG Ent. really is the best gift," she shouted at the security cameras.
"Please stop."
"I swear to satan!" Jisoo tore her entire soul in that phrase.
"She's one of the down twins."
Clary, freeing herself from the sack on her shoulders, laughed, "땡 (Ddaeng.)"
Jisoo scolded, "Oh, ye faithless humans," she rolled her eyes, "They were wearing gold and black. Sait it Clary."
Clary smirked triumphantly, "I know─Gold and black ALPFEM's official colors."
"I support," Rosé said quietly. Something in Clary fluttered, like the wings of a butterfly's imagination. She could still make it right, she would make it better. She smiled.
However, Jennie broke the barely established magic, "I object," she pointed her fingers at the maknaes accusingly, "You all are just traitors."
"We do have the best decision council," Clary retorted.
Jennie turned on to her, quite feeling herself at the moment, Clary pictured a dancing skirt. "You know what, I'm going to badmouth you to Chae-rin-unnie."
Her words were meant to make Clary stick out her tongue. But she merely stated, "Do it. It's not she'll ever notice you."
"The tea is hot!" Jisoo threw wind into the fire just as the lift hit the preferred floor.
Clary interrumped her, barely containing her smile as she slowly got out the elevator with Jennie, not wanting to let go. "Shut up you mini m&m."
"So you against my stature? Is that what you said? Tell me it's not what you just said─"
Lisa was laughing uncontrollably at this moment, she remembered the nickname, "Unnie short pants!"
"Y'all are gonna regret this!"
The cafeteria was a big place, as essential as the enamel is to the tooth on the building map, a dead end to body image expectations, wasn't it?
No. This was South Korea, it was the pinnacle of thinness idealised by beauties, of diets recommended by grannies who didn't even have those standards back in the day. Once again Clary was reminded of this as she crossed the wing of tables to the sound of Jennie and Rosé at her sides.
"Aye," the Seyeon-sunbaenim cook stretched her face, "Jennie's not allowed to eat that."
Clary looked with confusion at the cook as if the bile in her throat had been personified as the cartoon Grinch. Then she looked at Jennie, squeezing out a response. For her part, Rosé was doing everything she could not to die of embarrassment─or guilt─ in front of all these onlookers.
"The managers told me I had to lose 3 kg," Jennie replied, reluctantly.
Clary impulsively replied, "But you're already 50 kg."
"Manager's right," Seyeon-sunbaenim shut the door of options on them, needless to say Clary expressed her disgust on her face, "Can't believe you girls went so low. You surprise me eating such food," Seyeon-sunbaenim turned to her, "It's about time they tell you the same. I see a peak of honey thighs so I will spare you the coffee."
Clary dismissed her comments, "Just one piece will be ok."
Jennie denied, playing it down, "It's okay." She said, as she took the corpuscle of chicken broth that Seyeon-sunbaenim extended to her instead of checking the appetizers, "I'm going to eat this instead," she tossed a spoonful of the soup into her mouth, "It's good."
Clary and Rosé just watched her every move minutely as in unison they engaged her in a glare generated by anything less than serotonin.
Clary turned away without bothering to give Seyeon-sunbaenim a goodbye as the cook left her own errand on the table, "I wish beauty standards would take in to consideration that everyone is shaped differently and distibrute fat differently," she said in an intentionally high pitched tone.
Jennie looked at her sympathetically, then turned to Rosé, bringing up a topic out of nowhere that only made Clary's irritation at the cook increase, "I wish my face wouldn't get bloated easily," Rosé nodded, pretending to listen as Clary pushed her cheek with her tongue from the inside, "I'll press right on the beggining of my jawline in order to reduce the swelling after I eat."
Rosé responded with another fun fact, as if it were a crossword puzzle, "I've always been pretty skinny. So, for me, honey thighs were honestly goals before I make it to Korea."
Clary picked up the plastic container in which cherry tomatoes glistened like blood on the icy mountain as she made her way to the elevator and felt her friends' footsteps beside her, still itching to go for Seyeon's throat when Rosé's whispery but assured voice broke through the silence between the trio.
"Honestly, I'm afraid to say this out loud," she surveyed her surroundings, "but I was so hungry that I ate the pork and kimchi jjigae this classmate left behind while I was in maths class. I don't even know how I did it without getting caught."
Clary's face slackened in tremendous wonder. Jennie uttered before her, "Does the class know you're a trainee here?"
"No," Rosé dryly denied with a hard expression that the lump in Clary's throat didn't seem so suffocating. Clary barely dropped the realization of what she had just implied to her. "You think I'm stupid?"
Clary shook her head, feeling like a lone bird of the flock in the wind, coated by the abrupt reaction she augured to explain. She said tactfully, "We never alluded to that," she meant it.
In that first person oblivious to the slight condescending tone to the receiver, which Jennie did detect, and immediately reproached her with a look that exclaimed a halt. Clary, distracted, was still oblivious in her pale, internalised response, short-legged in eloquence. Jennie thought it was due to the atmosphere and the distant conditions in which they had to spend this exciting time.
Rosé seemed irritated or at least misty to give her next words, "I think I left my water bottle upstairs."
And off she went. Extending her drink to Jennie, who took it more out of reflex than intention. She, too, needed some time.
Clary felt a stab of thunder in her already aching soul, now she could distinguish nothing but a wave of melancholy flooding the mountain of her chest. She too felt like running, and she was doing well, from her troubles. Finding a jungle and running with Twilight movie effects might distract her.
Clary said without a breath, "I'm going to the bathroom," and held out what was supposed to be her lunch. She couldn't see Jennie's wrinkled face of pity, she didn't want to.
"Next time I'll bring a dress suit and see what the professor has to say about my integrity as a person," Jisoo whispered in the ear of a fatigued Clary, as they walked out of the classroom also running away from the horrible stereotypes they were made to personify.
Clary snorted, shaking her head, "Actually yes it would be fun to instruct him in some minion culture as our default on TV to shock his highness even more."
Jisoo gave a sidelong glance at the pendulum in the living room where they now stood, "We should go upstairs, Jennie-ah and Lisa-ya finish their linguistic session at 11."
Clary gave a small, involuntary nod, "Chae-ah must be taking her vegetable nap," she smiled in amusement. Feeling lighter, as if the notes of a soprano were overlaying Jisoo, even though the older girl was a definite mezzo.
The atmosphere brightened more like a highway ahead at dawn as the radio defined Nicole from KARA weaving the ecstatic melody of "Damaged Lady," and she spotted a crowded group of girls doing unabashed karaoke. And she sensed the fun was coming. She held hands with Jisoo as they made their way, without a trace of shyness, to the spotlight.
"I wish I could get my hands on the player and loop your entire discography!" Jisoo said, pride a frost in her tone.
Clary also told her above the din her intentions, "I want to grab that microphone!"
All the gleaming, aspiring eyes did not go unnoticed by Clary, who set about locating who was handling the microphone. Some fourth year girls. Quickly up the pavement to stand in the illicit line, Jisoo leaning her arms off her shoulders as they visualised the list of songs to be played, Clary eagerly ran through the verses.
She came up behind Soojin, who was chatting with her fellow students, smiling at her as soon as she caught her eye. Clary proposed, her tone beaming with excitement, "What do you say we make Twinkle's melody shine even brighter?"
"You noticed that too!" she said in a squeal as they held hands, "Let's go get that crowd."
Together they made their way to where the chorus was sparking strength of talent like a volcano in a desert terrain, the melody rising higher and higher in intensity as a microphone was handed to her─a swooning chill enveloping her as she fed that melody alongside Soojin, who ploughed through the verses with her clear soprano tone, in the chorus blasting glorious high notes as Clary effortlessly added adlibs and they made their way to the bridge of the song. Nothing subdued, Jisoo strapped her vibrant voice to the karaoke as the Seohyun part was transcribed on the big projector screen. Voices all around but when Taeyeon's demanding part approached Clary knew it was her moment. She immersed herself in the colours of those notes like a swan in the hymn of its lake, heart as full as the sun of fiery light, and made them her own with relentless, powerful voice.
The troubles, mistakes. The sadness. It all faded for a blessed instant.
The sumptuous songs repeated, as the refrain of Into The New World repeated, she said smilingly to Jisoo, thinking of the unfocused future. "I wish every day was like this!"
"And in a moment, we'll be like this," Jisoo cast an eye at the sky, as if the crowd would descend from there in a gilded bubble. "But in front of millions. It's a reality!"
"What great bliss to practice like this!"
She had so much faith. In her. In all of them. In all five, because they had to stay that way.
Clary took a swig of her pomegranate and berry smoothie - guaranteed to be minus 150 calories to her body's thirst─in a hurry. They were in the sanctuary where the magic sifted, liquefying unguided goodness of the music that spoke lightly to her through the soon-to-be turned off radio.
The studio, room 0724, was large and chilly, filled with ultramarine-coloured furniture and divided into two sections separated by the thinness of glass. But they were not yet allowed to practice on the microphone and with the sound controls, they had to do it on encore so that the managers could firmly evaluate their vocal performances. They had not yet found the perfect method for the lip sync, so Yang-nim did not trust those crumbs that would scandalise the public if the reality ever leaked out.
So everything was even more difficult.
Rosé said as she went over the sheets containing the letters they had set to practice today, they were all sitting on the floor, as usual. "Let's go calm."
"No D6," Jisoo looked at her somewhat accusingly, Lisa laughed softly. "Five octaves."
Clary repositioned her stance, "Nothing five that isn't Fifth Harmony on the radio."
"Us in the future," Jennie winked at them as she inserted the records into the cornet.
"Wow─that would be so cool," Rosé smiled at the air, "Are we that cool?" She raised her gaze to meet Jennie's. Clary took a sip of her drink as she reviewed the possibility.
Clary nodded, determined, "We will be."
Jennie hit play on the first song and the melody broke down into the ambience, howling echo, Rosé started with the first verse, the ballad flattered her honeyed voice, with the swiftness of a deer in a run, her vocal swung symphonically─Clary leaned in, resting her head in her palm to hear better.
Jisoo piped up, "Nice E5."
"Your voice sounds... really stylistic," Clary said in a fit of doubts.
"My teacher would be proud if he heard you say that," Rosé gave her a faint smile, "Personally I prefer style over technique."
Clary asked, "Isn't that the same thing that Taeyang-nim and Bom-nim use?"
"Teddy's a bit obsessed," Jisoo shook her head.
"Yeah," Jennie conceded, "He keeps recycling techniques."
Clary snorted, "I remember when they made me sing in─you know the half-air half-voice technique?" to everyone's unison nod, she continued, "Well, it was atrocious. I looked like a JYP trainee wannabe. I'm so thankful I made it out of there."
"I think that's the same teacher who said I had projection problems," Lisa mused, "Nothing that can't be solved with time," she shook her head softly, "How did you convince them?"
"That teacher is nice, but I don't take singing lessons from her," Clary went straight to the point she wanted to get to, like a spear to the bull's eye, "My parents hired me a vocal coach in 2011 who works for the SM. I'd like to know what you all thought about bringing her here one day, so she can coach us all," Clary flashed her gaze at them all, expectantly. "She's really good."
"That would be great!" Rosé was the first to agree.
"Any tricks?" Lisa lifted her head from the letters.
"You just have to learn to develop all your resonators. Believe me I got as much as the average person would get, I found it hard to focus without thinking but.... Eventually, you evolve. Your voice is always there, you just have to empower the muscles and the strings... and for that, you have to start getting to know your body. Connect with it."
"Like dancing. I love that," Lisa's smile was infectious, she was happy to see it, "Releasing my emotions with the art of dance."
"Oh my god," Jennie looked at her incredulously, "that was deep." Jisoo let out a laugh as Lisa glared at her.
"But speaking of voices, I like Jisoo's voice," Rosé added, "Very deep. Husky-like."
"Yeah. Wine," Clary said, leaning back from the couch, "It gets better as it gets older."
"I think Jisoo-unnie has a very Dreamcatcher Company-like style," Rosé uttered in a half-voice, as she laughed at her own comment.
Clary mused, "She'd look good in rock."
Jisoo took one of the couch cushions as she finally spoke, "I like singing─really─but, if we're being honest, I think it's getting to the point where style is overtaking technique," She pointed in Rosé's direction, "Maybe that's why Rosé gets coached in that voice."
Clary stirred in her seat, thoughtfully. "In less time than we think, it's going to be hard to find performances that aren't pre-recorded."
Jennie, sensitive to the reflective frequency environment, spoke up, "Can we try again? I want to see what the song would look like with a darker timbre. I think it would add flavour."
Clary conceived, "As you wish."
After one more reel of songs. Clary went over her lines. Music didn't hurt even the reflection of her skin against the light, so she liked all kinds of sounds and instruments. All of them, the more essentially strange, the more fascinating. But they had to walk the standard string, unfortunately, so the OST 'Maria' from 200 pounds beauty appealed to her, not because of its tone, but because of its unaccustomed meaning in the context of South Korean society.
"Her voice is really high," Rosé said, her gaze resting on her notebook she carried with her all day.
Jisoo said, as she sipped a sip of water to cool her voice, warm in use, "Good timbre."
"That was good," Clary agreed, "What note was it?"
"A4."
"I think I can do it better," Clary slid her hair over her shoulder, "I'll try again that. E5 Belt, in the Maria, Ave Maria part."
"I need some water, "Jennie stood up to the mini-fridge, which only held a dozen bottles of water, because, diet.
"Can you add an ad-lib to that part? I want to see what it sounds like."
"No, no. It's out of your range. You can hurt your voice."
"We should take a break," Clary proposed, as she stood up.
"Where did Lisa go?" She surveyed the place at the noisy absence.
"She probably ran off again," Jisoo said, faithless.
Clary was about to open the door when Lisa bolted, nearly sending her to the floor as she exclaimed, like a sponge dripping with adrenaline, "Dementors, dementors!"
Jisoo sat up, interested. "Harry Potter-like?"
"Don't worry," Clary shut the door quickly, as she laughed, "it was just the producers!"
"On that note," Jennie joined in, "we've got it all under control," she smiled slyly.
"You mean that time Tae-ya chased them away by asking them if butterflies felt human in their stomachs when they fell in love?" Rosé looked at her with a grimace.
"How unprofessional," Lisa rolled her eyes dramatically.
"I love butterflies," Jisoo said, out of nowhere, "It's funny because they scare me in real life."
"Yeah, yeah. Wing-kick," they all turned their gaze to Clary who thought aloud, "Whatever.."
Jennie shook her head, "You all don't know the real deal. We all should give Lisa a standing ovation because she finally found the will to clean her room," she effortlessly dissed her.
"I'm never gonna say anything anymore. I've already been humiliated."
The orb of the sun was closing in, teary from the winter damp, old James Dean style, and the amethyst sunset was blinking out the newborn stars. Out of the corner of her eye she could watch "Home Alone" playing on the small TV, but neither she nor Jackson were immersed in it. They were set to their much-needed annual job of renewing their bracelets every Christmas Eve.
The cold embodied the gravity of the bassoon that barely her quilted garments could contain, but she didn't care. Jackson was on his privileged break, which was only limited to 3 days due to this special month, the rest of the boys were with their families, and Clary didn't want to think of anywhere else to spend this family warmth-thirsty occasion than with him─and a couple of bottles of cheap beer.
"Do you prefer pink or orange marbles?" Clary held up both marbles to give Jackson a better idea of the contrast.
"Orange," he replied immediately, as he took it upon himself to complete the girl's bracelet.
"I'll go with pink then," Jackson scowled at Clary's response.
"Then why are you asking?"
"To integrate you," she replied with complete politeness.
Jackson snorted, "I don't think you're interested in joining in on eating sultanas."
"The only person I know who genuinely likes sultanas is you, Jack."
"And you're a Chelsea fan," Jackson countered, as he threw some marbles at him and stood up.
"That's like saying I'd rather have a friend call me gay than a gay call me friend, honey."
"Half my family," Jackson replied in a high pitched tone as Clary could hear the corkscrew squeak twice in a row.
Clary stifled a laugh, "I guess they haven't seen Markson debut yet."
"And here I thought Jay Why Pee would save us that crap!" Jackson shook his head, as he held out a bottle to her. "You know I'll deliver the cracker for either of 'em, but not everyone in the band is comfortable with that proposition."
Clary threw three bitter gulps down her throat, sweeping away her subconscious thoughts that strained her sporadically, shared the essence of dots in the vision before one fainted into oblivion. She then said with full awareness, "We should rent goku costumes."
"Yeah, sure, we'll sing Miss American Pie while we dress up."
"Definitely. But I was thinking A Change Is Gonna Come would be a great alternative."
Jackson bobbed his head, alluding to the melody in lowercase whispers, "It's been a long. A long time coming, but I know.."
"A change gon' come."
"Oh yes, it will," they both smiled as they connected verses.
"Yeah, 'cause we're totally healthy, Rissa," he said, as he sat down next to her and slipped his arm around Clary's shoulder naturally.
"At least I didn't eat a tranny thinking it was sausage."
"The waitress was the one who offered me that while I was under substances," Jackson exclaimed as Clary cackled, showing her palms, "you didn't have to leak that information."
"In a time of war...," Clary choked on her drink.
"Shit, no. This has already gone to another extreme."
Clary focused her eyes on the film that was halfway through, Jackson chuckled from time to time, especially when the iconic scene of the cornered robbers came on. The clock struck 11.
It was fine.
Then the pendulum swung to 11:30 and her breathing harshly hitched. She excused herself to get another bottle, solitude would give her some focus, and Jackson gave her a sidelong glance.
No, she was a happy musician, using the same strategy as Elvis when Priscilla left, yes, but they left too. And she was dealing with that. She had to suppress the bursting of this bubble of panic, half begging for anaesthesia, or amnesia.
Swallowing the words, the thoughts, that they no longer cared about what they once felt, because in that heart pendant hanging around her neck the three of them looked smiling, in that parallel universe, made her doubt that it was just a painting rather than a palpable reality.
They were gone. No explanation. Her lost cause.
No, she didn't want that. She wouldn't give up.
She picked up the phone and dialed a number with a vague memory. She had to at least tell them to take the memories with them. Better to lose, than not to try.
The phone's countdown consumed her. It knew how to turn her hope on and then off. And yet, it was so hard not to cry when after four tries, the same answering machine pounded in her ear.
There was no answer. Why didn't they answer?
If she had been looking for pain, she had succeeded. There was no longer any case.
Again remembering what she was, she began to sob, like glass melting in the face of radioactivity.
What had she done? Why were they better off without her? Why had Jackson's mother sent her a present and her parents hadn't?
As if a storm rolled in and she rose up to claim it, she stepped onto the gelid ice and drowned in that polar river as if she'd never had a chance to skip it─She felt arms wrap around her, and she wept, choked with tears, her soul burned as her throat burned as iron melts before the forge.
"This is torture," she told him in a shuddering breath.
"It's good to cry, Rissa," Jackson pressed a kiss to her temple, "It's not your fault. Just don't isolate yourself for encouragement," Clary tensed, "You're like my little sister, there's never been camouflage between us. If you feel distressed, tell me about it. Even if it's a hug I'm sure I can offer you."
She hugged him more rigorously, eyes closed, wanting to be part of his serenity, breathing deeply. "I'm sorry, really, I didn't mean to -"
"You're not to blame for anything, Clary," Jackson took her face in his hands, comfortable as the coastal breeze as it palmed, his glistening eyes reassuring her. "But we're going to get through this."
Inside, her sadness didn't need a disguise now. "Together," they both nodded, and Clary beamed for the first time that day without the weight of her accusatory thoughts.
"I love you, Jack."
"I love you, Clary."
author's note.
i am deeply sorry for my delay, i've had too many complications, zero motivation and simply sitting down to write a chapter without any idea of how to direct it stressed me even more. I was finally able to finish this chapter, maybe i'll edit it later, but i made sure to leave some ideas of what the next ones will be like.
i really love all blackpink members and i'd like to know what do you think of where this narrative is going. you can leave your requests or word promps here !
i'll leave you some graphics i made for the born pink concert era we're blessed to live in ;