6:57 PM
My mind tells me this revelation is too soon. I can't possibly know if I love someone that fast, but my heart, it's an entirely different matter. I ache to be with him. I long for his touch. I want to know his favorite color, his favorite food, his favorite sport, where he grew up, what he dreamed of. I want to know anything and everything about him. Once I've digested that, I want to know more.
Tori huffs. "If you think you do, then tell him. God Lola, I didn't even know you were dating someone."
I laugh. "Dating? No. It's more complicated than that."
"Complicated. Oh my God, you little slut is he married?"
Yes. To me.
"No."
"Do you get all flushed when he talks to you?"
"Yes."
"Do you hate every minute spent apart?"
"More than you can possibly comprehend." No need for puke worthy details. Literally.
"Does he make your toes curl when you kiss him?"
I feel the heat rush directly to the apples of my cheeks. "Yep."
"It's decided," Tori says, "You love him."
"But how?" I ask. It's a question directed more at myself than it is at her.
"How? Well I'm sure there is some kind of chemical reaction your brain has when you're with him."
"Thanks Tori, that's deep."
"So can I ask you something else?"
"Yeah, sure."
"If you love him, why are you sulking on your bed instead of out with this mystery man of yours, taking in all life has to offer?"
"Xavier and him hate each other." I roll over in time to see Tori's face cringe.
She holds her hand out, palm forward. "Say no more. I get it now."
"Exactly."
There's a long pause between us. "Thanks for the talk," I say, finally filling the empty space with words. "Do you want me to help you clean?"
"Are you kidding? Girl, you are entitled to ice cream and chick flicks. Like you're going through a breakup."
"If this is what a break up feels like, I don't want it. Ever."
She places her hand on my shoulder. "Go have a shower. That always makes me feel better."
Maybe she's right, plus I didn't shower before leaving Jax's place that morning. I stand, thank her again and gather my bathroom bag. "Are you sure you don't need my help?"
"Lola. Go. Have a nice hot shower, you'll feel so much better. Then you can take one for the team and go get us ice cream from the pier."
That doesn't sound like a half bad idea. Tori, despite what Xavier thinks, isn't all bad. I'm glad she was here.
I head to the showers, strip and get in cranking the dial to the hottest possible setting. I close my eyes, letting the water wash over my skin. I don't know if I'm hyper sensitive or what, but each spray feels like a tease of where Jackson's lips were just a few hours ago. I lean against the tile and will things to be right in my world when a small voice reminds me that everything I ever wanted is coming true. I wished for this. I wanted not to be invisible. I wanted to matter to someone and here he was...on this earth, flesh and bone... for me.
Problem is, I didn't even fathom that I'd have to choose between him and Xavier.
I stand unmoving under the steady stream of water until it runs cold. I'm not sure how much time has passed but I step out and dry off, wrapping the towel around me. I pad back down the hallway, being far more carefree about my near nakedness than I have ever been in the past, and swing open the door to our dorm.
The cleaner smell from earlier has intensified. Not only that, but Xavier is stretched out across my bed.
"Sorry," Tori says. "He insisted and I'm a sucker for a pretty face."
Normally this would earn her a jab back from Xavier, but not today. If it weren't for his chest rising and falling, I might think he was dead. The features on his face are frozen in an expression I can't quite measure.
"It's okay, Tori." My brows knit together. "X, what are you doing here?"
"I came to apologize."
"Oh, that's rich. For what? For calling me stupid or for doing the exact opposite of what you promised and not bothering to give Jackson a fair chance?"
Xavier's eyes dart to the ceiling then to the side--anywhere but my face. "Both," he mutters.
He reminds me of a child who has been busted for sneaking a sweet before dinner, a look of woeful regret on his face.
I bring my hand to the part of my towel where the two sides are secured together. "Turn around."
Xavier obediently turns to face my wall.
I don't care about Tori seeing my goods so I drop the towel and slip a clean dress over my head and loop my legs through some underwear.
"Done," I say.
Xavier turns back around. "Can we talk, Mouse?" He looks at Tori. "Somewhere other than here?"
I can't stay mad at Xavier. I just can't. He could be the most repulsive person on the face of the earth and I'd still turn to mush. I'll forgive him, but I want him to sweat it out a bit first. "Yeah, fine."
"Great." He stands, walks to the door and holds it open for me. "After you."
I slide underneath his outstretched arm and into the hallway.
No sooner does he close the door than his hand grabs my bicep, spinning me to face him. "Lola."
"What?"
"I really am sorry. I don't know what came over me."
"I could think of a few things," I offer. "None of them any good."
"You're right," he says, "I was being unfair."
I roll my eyes. "Call a spade a spade, X. You were being a total asshole."
"I was that too," he admits.
I cross my arms over my chest. "So, what happened after I left?"
"I spent some time with your looney boyfriend."
I can't help it. My mouth instinctively curls at the mention of Xavier calling Jackson my boyfriend.
"And?"
He shrugs. "He seems like he genuinely thinks he loves you, and yeah, unless you've done all of the talking for the last few days, he does know some strange stuff about you."
I love this bit of intel but I don't wish to discuss it anymore in the hallway. "Let's go for a walk."
He releases his grip on my arm wordlessly and motions for me to lead the way.
I head to a green space about half a mile from the dorms, selecting a spot underneath the shade of an oak tree before I flop down on the ground. I cross my legs and pluck a blade of grass from the ground, twirling it between my fingers.
Xavier sits down beside me. "So," he says. "I was gonna say. This shit is crazy Lola. You know it is. You can't even deny that fact."
He's right. I can't.
I say nothing.
Xavier looks at the blade twirling between my fingers before swinging his gaze to mine. "That said, I'm no longer convinced he'd hurt you."
"Good," I say. "He wouldn't. He's not dangerous, X."
"I know."
I smile as relief washes over me. Enjoying the company of Jackson Sunday is going to be a whole lot easier without Xavier brooding over misplaced assumptions. "I really like him," I say. In fact, I think I love him.
My best friend looks as if my words slap him across the face and then in a flash, the hard lines of his features soften. "I'm happy for you, Mouse." A small voice tries to tell me he's not. That X is not telling the truth, but I ignore it. He clears his throat. "Can I ask you something?"
"You know you can," I say.
"Were you sad?"
His question stops the nervous motion of my hands. "What?"
"Were you sad?"
"No," I shake my head. "Why?"
"Because of your wish."
"What of it?"
Xavier sighs. "You wished you weren't invisible."
"Addendum," I say. "I wished I wasn't invisible to someone other than you."
Xavier leans forward, tucking a strand of my still damp hair behind my ear. "I should have made you feel more important," he says softly. "I'm sorry I wasn't enough."
Oh.
"Xavier, you are enough. God, you're so enough but who are we kidding? You'll never look at me that way."
X is silent.
"I just wanted to be fiercely loved by someone."
Xavier's shoulders slump and he winces. "So I guess you have everything you ever wanted then."
"Not everything," I admit. "But it's a start."
"I'm happy then, Mouse. If you have everything you ever wanted, then I do too."
I spend the whole afternoon under that oak tree with X and by the time he walks me back to the dorm, I feel better about where we stand with each other but I physically feel awful. This lovesick garbage is a real pain in the ass. If it's not one thing, it's another. Xavier cheered up and the tension casting a looming shadow over us lifted considerably, but now I feel as if I'm about to expire.
X stands outside our door hands buried in his pockets. "You okay?"
"Just don't feel a hundred percent," I say, "but I'll be fine."
"I'm going to a reading at the library tomorrow. You wanna come?"
"Yes," I decide. "I think I do."
Xavier grins. "Great. I'll pick you up at seven?"
"Six," I say. "I'll buy us dinner first."
"Look at you, big spender."
"Shut up."
"Whatever. Six it is."
My cell phone, cradled in the palm of my hand vibrates. It's a text from Jackson.
I feel like death came, was repulsed by my condition and rejected me. Come. Now. Please. ;)
Xavier's eyes shoot up from my phone quickly but I know he was reading the screen because he says, "You should go. You want me to walk you there?"
I shake my head. "No thanks. I'm good."
He smiles. "Good."
I stand on the tips of my toes and press a kiss to his cheek, rugged with stubble. "Love you X."
"Love you too, Mouse."
I wait.
He says nothing.
I cross my arms over my chest and arch a brow before it registers.
"To the moon and back," he adds.
Better. "I love you to the moon and back too."
As I make my way to Jackson's I begin to wonder if I should tell him that I've fallen in love with him. None of this makes any sense but I'm tired of trying to rationalize something completely irrational. The message of Jackson's clocks couldn't be more true. Time is finite. Life is too short and I only get one chance.
I can say those three words to X without so much as batting an eyelash but to speak them to Jackson would surely bring a heavy implication that I am ready for more.
I climb the steps to the massive beach house and see he's got the slider doors open. I walk into the living room and find him laying on the couch, pale. His hair is sweaty and sticking to his face and he's sporting large, dark circles under his eyes.
"You okay?"
He smiles, holding open the blanket he's wrapped in to make space for me right next to him. "Better now that you're here."
I crawl in beside him, letting his warmth radiate against my body.
"Jackson?"
"Angel."
I say them before I can change my mind. "I think I've fallen in love with you."