𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐨
𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝚗𝚍, 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟼
I hate him.
I hate him for everything he has done to mother and me.
A father should be some kind of role model for his son. He should've taught me important stuff, should've gone on adventures with me and he should've been there for me in general.
He wasn't and he will never be. He messed everything up and he is the reason why he, mom and I will never be a perfect family.
A part of me doesn't even hate him because of the fact that he is my father, that part of me hates him because he isn't the father I've dreamed of. I could always live with the thought of not having a nice and caring dad, but the worst thing was to know that I'm not the son he dreamed of either.
He didn't hide it, he didn't act as if he cared, he just showed me that I'm not enough for him. I tried to make him happy, I really did, but no matter what I've changed about myself, I never did the right thing to please him.
It took me years to realise that I might not be the problem. That it could be possible that he, my father, is the problem.
I'm not even sure if the name 'father' is the right word for him. Because he isn't. He has never been a father for me. It was like he just lived in my house and tried to change me. But he has never been my father, not really.
Every time I fell, he didn't help me up like any other dad would've done. He got angry, asked me why I can't even do the simplest things.
Every time I needed help, he wasn't there for me. 'Malfoy's are strong. They have to do things on their own, because they are everything but weak!' I don't even know how often I heard this sentence coming out of his mouth, but instead of standing by my side, he said this specific sentence to me.
Every time he actually did something good, he proved me wrong after all. It didn't matter if he bought me the best broomsticks, the best clothes or everything I've always wished for in general, because it was always the object that made me happy, not the man who gave it to me.
After every good deed came another disappointment. He didn't gift me because he loved me, he gifted me because he simply had the money to do so and probably because mother told him so.
He never showed me what love means. He never gave me a hug and told me how happy he is about my presence. He never told me that it's okay to not be okay.
The goal Lucius Malfoy always followed was to make me the son he wished to have, but I never fulfilled his expectations.
In a few situations, I felt like I could make him at least a bit happy. Bullying Potter and the Mudblood were little things that satisfied him, but it was never enough.
Be strong and brave, Draco.
Be fearless and don't think about others, Draco.
Be like me, Draco.
But I don't want to, father. I don't want to be like you. I've never been completely fearless, I just showed you that I am, so that you don't scream at me. I only pretended to like what you taught me, because I was scared of what you would do to me if I expressed my opinion openly. I only listened to you, because I was scared of what you could do to mother if I followed her advice instead of yours.
I've never planned on being the kind of man Lucius Malfoy is, but here I am now.
He destroyed everything for me.
If he would've gotten that stupid prophecy last year, I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now.
I carry the Dark Mark on my left forearm because of him. I've detached myself from every person that once brought me joy because of him. I have to kill a man at the end of this school year because of him.
Standing in front of him and telling him everything that is on my mind sounds really tempting, but he is rotting in Azkaban for what I hope is the rest of his life. The thought of my father sitting behind the bars, screaming because of the pain the Dementors are putting him through, brings me some kind of joy.
I'm aware that it's cruel to think like that, but he doesn't deserve anything else.
The Dark Lord and his supporters are trying to get him and the other Death Eaters out of the wizarding prison and I'm not sure what to think about it.
I don't want to see him, because I would probably beat the shit out of him. At least that is what I always tell myself, but when the moment comes and he is standing in front of me, I don't have the guts to do it anymore.
On the other side, there is a chance that he could do the task for me to repay the Dark Lord for his mistake. Besides that, I guess mother would lighten up again because I know how much she misses him. Even if I can't understand why.
Whatever happens in the future, I won't forgive him.
I am the one who has to suffer for his failure. I am the one who is sitting in the Room of Requirement, day after day, to search for the stupid incantation to fix the bloody cabinet. I am the one who is working his ass off to keep his family alive.
Fo the first time it's me, Draco Malfoy, and not my father. For the first time in my life I can prove myself and I hate it.
I'm holding a ripped out page of one of the books in my hand and that's when I realise, that I've been captured in my thoughts for too long.
Feeling a bit guilty for mistreating the book, I stand up to stretch myself after sitting for hours in the same position.
My back hurts and I need to move in order to make it stop. I can't focus on my task anyway, so taking a break won't affect my work in a bad way.
All the broken or unused furniture is stored here and I start to walk around in hope of finding something interesting or to simply distract myself.
I reach the spot where the floor is covered with glass, because I didn't clean up the mess I caused around a week ago.
The sharp sensation I feel when I drag my fingers over the splinters lets goosebumps rise all over my body.
It should hurt, feeling the glass cut in my fingertips, but it doesn't. On the opposite, it feels relieving.
Pain is the only way I can bring myself to feel. It doesn't matter if I hurt myself physically or mentally, both do their job perfectly fine.
Small cuts can be found on my skin now and I pull my hands away, not feeling the need to hurt myself any further.
I look at my left and right in order to find something interesting and after a few seconds, something catches my eye.
Broomsticks are leaning against old wooden furniture and I remember that Blaise told me about todays Quidditch practice.
Seeing the brooms makes me miss flying on them even more. I wish I could just play Quidditch once more, feeling the wind in my face when I race through the air, trying to catch the Golden Snitch.
Blaise offered me to join the Quidditch team again, after I told him that I'm quitting. I can't though, even if I desperately want to.
If I can't feel the joy myself, I at least want to watch the others having fun.
I don't know if it's weird to ask Blaise if I could join him on the Quidditch pitch, watching them play, but I'm already on my way out of the Come and Go Room to walk towards the Slytherin common room where he is most likely spending his time right now.
While I'm walking down the stairs, some kind of happiness or delight is flowing through the blood in my veins and I've almost forgotten what that feels like. My face doesn't show anything about my current mood, staying cold as always, but I can feel it. I can feel the sudden positivity and I really hope that I'm not letting myself feel good just to get disappointed after all.
"Oi Zabini, have a moment?" the second I open the door to the common room, I see my best mate sitting on the sofa in front of the fireplace.
"Draco, is everything all right? Did I do something?"
"What- No, I just want to ask you something."
Now that I'm standing face to face with him, I ask myself if I'm doing the right thing.
What if he doesn't want me to go with him?
I'm overthinking again and I'm afraid to be rejected by him, my best friend. I have no right to be, because after all I am the one who is always letting him down. I'm the one who rejects everyone, especially Blaise.
"Mate? What is it?" he asks after I didn't break the silence.
"Oh, right. I was just wondering if..- Well you have Quidditch practice today, right?" the question is directed to him, but I don't wait for his answer because I already know it. "I was just wondering if I could watch you all play. I mean you don't have to say yes, I understand-"
"Of course Draco! Why would I say no? You know if you want to play again I can talk to the others and I'm sure you can have your position back." his eyes widen with every word he speaks and his hand is lying on my shoulder, showing me that he is more than okay with me accompanying him to the pitch.
Still, I feel a bit uncomfortable for asking him. I know that I have no real reason to feel like that, but I just hate to ask for anything.
"Nah, I don't want to play again. Just felt like watching, you know?" I give him a slight smile, not knowing if I'm faking it or if it's real.
"Well, okay. But we have to go now, it starts in half an hour and you know how long I need to get dressed."
His hand falls off my shoulder and the two of us walk out of the dungeons.
I must say, that I feel like a little child right now. The feeling I have is the same I had in second year, when I first stepped foot on the grass of the pitch. The only difference is, that I'm not playing this time, but watching the others is just as good.
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The hallways are dark when I step out of the Hogwarts kitchens, a green apple and a bread roll in my hand.
I missed dinner once again, but it's not a great deal anymore. It's the same thing every day. I don't participate at the feast in the Great Hall, get hungry in the middle of the night and get myself food.
Maybe it would sound a bit weird to others, but sometimes I like it better that way. Being in the same room with all the students, hearing them laughing and talking makes me feel left out.
Of course I'm the one who detaches himself from everyone and I could choose to be a part of the others, but it seems more difficult to be with my friends than being alone.
I can hide from everyone when I'm not in the Great Hall with them and I don't have to worry about making excuses if someone decides to ask me something.
It's a part of my plan to protect my friends. Even if it might not seem like I'm doing the right thing, I know deep down that I am. I won't risk endangering them just because I feel lonely most of the time. The way it is now is for the best and everything will be fine in the end.
Finally arriving in the Slytherin gathering area, I find my way towards the fireplace, searching for warmth. I should go to my dorm, trying to sleep, but I already know that I'm not tired enough to drift off, so I decide to stay where I am.
My arms are stretched out a bit, warming my hands at the fire and the heat stings a bit, but it's okay.
The orange fire has a green-blue touch in it and the moving flames are catching my attention, letting me review what happened today.
Quidditch practice lasted for around two hours and it was probably the best time I had in so long. Even if I didn't fly on one of the brooms, looking at the others was enough to please me.
I can't deny that seeing the players float in the air wasn't connected with some sort of pain, because it was. Not being able to be a part of the team feels worse than I thought it would, but I had to quit in order to fully concentrate on the task and the orders the Dark Lord gives me.
I cling to the thought of riding a broom in the future again, but the bit of hope I have fades every day a bit more.
The mark on my arm is a sign of devotion to the Dark Lord and as long as he lives, I'm captured.
Every day, I live in fear of doing a mistake and I can't afford to actually do something I like, because it won't bring me any good.
His mark is a daily reminder of my fucked up life and I can't change it. With every step I take, I have to think about him, because I'm scared of upsetting him, of doing something wrong.
It doesn't feel like it's my life anymore.
My life is controlled by another and he can end it at any given moment.
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𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟺𝚝𝚑, 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟼
Professor Sinistra is talking about stars and their different positions and even though I find the subject rather interesting, I can't focus right now.
The reason why we are at the Astronomy Tower at this time of day doesn't even make sense to me, because the sky is blue and cloudless, not black and covered with white dots.
My parents possess a telescope at home and mum used to show me the night sky, letting me explore the different planets and stars. I was and still am interested in the universe and that's why I wouldn't really need to attend this class, but I do it anyway.
Already knowing everything about the subject means that I can focus on more or less important things.
My gaze wanders from person to person until it falls on the curly, dark hair that belongs to the girl standing near the railing.
I wonder for a short time if that is what her hair looks like naturally or if she curled it on purpose.
Either way, her hair is the least interesting thing about her right now.
My mind takes me back to last Saturday.
The day I found out that her father is dead.
I'm not sure if it is sympathy I feel towards her, or if it is just my curiosity, wanting to find out more about his death.
I can't really imagine being this sad about my fathers death, but on the other side I don't know how close she was with hers.
Thinking about it, I wouldn't be so sure how I would react if I'd find out about my fathers death. Mainly, I wouldn't care much. He is an asshole and he wouldn't do much damage leaving this world behind. A small part of me would probably feel something else, something bad or sad.
My attention quickly falls back on Evans, shoving the thoughts about my father away.
Seeing her unfocused and absent annoyed me, but her weak appearance brought me what I think was joy.
I was mocking her out of fun, I didn't expect her to spill one of her secrets. I don't even know what I shall do with that information.
Provoking her in front of everyone and making her life hell would be a possibility, but I could also threaten her with exposing her little secret, scaring her with it, even if I have no interest in telling anyone.
I sort of have her in my hands now and I can't decide if I like it.
The sudden movement of her head causes me to jump a bit, not expecting to lock eyes with her now.
I get to see her face only for a short time, because when she realises that I'm already looking at her, she quickly turns away again.
She really feels threatened by me and my lips curl up in a grin out of amusement.
The lesson is almost over and I consider talking to her afterwards because of the next date for our practice, but I decide not to.
According to her words, she'll let me know when she has time and I can wait.
It's not like I'm the one who needs to practise.
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