I woke up in a panic as I felt myself slip to the side of the seat and noticed that the dark has fallen upon us. Not just that, what was once rain has turned into snow. When I straightened myself, the flashes of snow on the edges of the road came to view. All the rain back home came down as snow here. A big rumble in my belly interrupted my fascination with the view.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"It's a little over midnight," She answered and a yawn escaped my mouth.
"I'm hungry," I said and Rylan raised her eyebrow and looked at me for a second. She didn't answer, though, which left me in utter confusion.
"When would we arrive?" I wondered as I knew she wasn't going to say anything.
"Two hours," She replied and I hit my head back in the seat as that is too long without food in my belly. With half-closed eyes, I gazed into the darkness, but then I smiled as Rylan pulled the car over to the side to a dinner that is open. I almost wanted to lean over and kiss Rylan's cheek, but I know that would have been frowned upon, and that deeply. I jumped out of the car and rushed for the entrance but notice that Rylan was taking her time.
"Come on," I said and walked back to pull her by the hand to speed up the process. It surprised me that she didn't force my hand out of hers as we entered the dinner. All the seats are empty as we strolled down the dirty floor. I sat down with Rylan across from me. That's when the tired spots underneath her eyes really came to show. She took a few breaks during the drive, but I forgot to consider her lack of sleep.
"Are you sure you can drive the rest?" I asked and Rylan frowned at my question.
"Never mind," I said as a waitress with eyes forced open appeared at our table.
"What can I get you?" She smiled brightly, considering how late it is. Rylan and I both took our orders; then, the lady went on her very way to the kitchen.
"So," I started, which caught Rylan's attention. She was gazing all around the dinner as if sitting across from me made her uncomfortable.
"Is there anything I need to be aware of when it comes to your, um," I stammered as I didn't know what word I should choose.
"Foster family?" Rylan raised her eyebrow and I nodded with bright red cheeks. Before we left, she did warn me that most of them would be there. It's a thing apparently that they always meet together at a certain time of the year when they all can.
"It's going to be crowded," She let out a sigh as though she dreads to go. I can understand why she doesn't want to, but for someone like me who has lived most of my life in solitude, it sounds perfect. Rylan, who needs her withdrawal from people, I can see that this is an issue for her.
"How many did your foster parents take in?" I wondered curiously.
"I was twelve when I came there and Matt and Lola were there before me," She paused as she needs a moment to think.
"Matt was fifteen, and Lola was seven. Then two years later, Chris appeared. He was ten and the last one came in a year after him and that was Maya. She was sixteen," She explained and my mouth almost fell open.
"You technically have four siblings," I said, stunned, but Rylan only shrugged as the waitress came and placed our plates onto the table and then went away with a grin.
"At least you weren't alone," I smiled warmly at Rylan, who stared at me endlessly. I realized what I had blurted out and avoided her gaze by picking up my knife and fork to attack the waffles that I craved the moment I saw them on the menu. While Rylan, on the other side, had ordered an egg sandwich.
"Are they all married or?" I asked to change the subject and Rylan let out a breath.
"Maya and Matt are both married and have a couple of kids each, which they will bring. Lola, as she said, didn't have time for a relationship last time we spoke and Chris seemed never to be able to settle down," Rylan explained thoughtfully.
"Okay," I smiled, but I know there are a lot of things that she has left unsaid about them, which I would never ask about either. These were kids who might have come from troubled homes and have had a lot of struggles.
"What about your foster mom?" I asked and a small smile came to show on Rylan's face.
"Shantelle, she has the biggest heart that you could ever imagine," Rylan sounded close to proud.
"She was also very strict as with her husband, Tucker. There was no room for lies but privacy they respected. Some of us needed space, and others needed closeness. They provided everyone with the need each of us required," She said.
"I presume you were one of those who needed affection," I chuckled and Rylan rolled her eyes. It all sounded so foreign to me. I try to imagine a younger version of Rylan in a crowded house with four other siblings around her. It's slightly hard because she is so isolated as a person.
"They have cheesecake," I grinned after I had eaten up my waffles and Rylan's eyes widened.
"How can you eat more?" She asked, baffled as she looked at my empty plate.
"I'm hungry," I shrugged and Rylan rubbed her forehead as if she can't believe it.
"I mean, maybe I shouldn't," I said, too shy to look Rylan in the eyes as I know she is in perfect shape compared to me. I looked down at my belly insecurely as I know I eat perhaps a few calories too much once in a while. My cheek flushed with embarrassment as I became so self-conscious. I've never been uncomfortable in my own skin until recently. Perhaps I'm always used to getting what I want in women. Yet, now the one's attention I want seems not to bat an eye. It's not what I am accustomed to, which is probably the reason for my newly developed anxiousness. I'm starting to doubt myself more as a person, but also in my appearance. I've never admired my features as they're so common, which is why I've always had a pull for women who are opposite of me. However, this time my attraction has turned toward someone who's also leading, predominant and controlling. Although, Rylan is on a whole other level. Oh, Hadley, how the tables have turned.
"You don't have a sweet tooth, do you?" I asked lightly, and I wondered if she hadn't heard me as she didn't respond. I have never seen Rylan eat anything that has sugar or anything really unhealthy before. While I stuff my face with ice cream, pizza and other things that I probably shouldn't.
"I don't, no. I didn't eat that much sweet things when I came to Shantelle and Tucker. Neither when I was in the military. Once you stop, you don't seem to want it as much," She shrugged.
"I don't think I can put away the ice cream," I wrinkled my nose as though that would be too painful to do—kind of as if someone pulled a limb off my body.
"You don't have to put the ice cream away, Hadley," Rylan chuckled delicately and the warmth that radiated from her felt like a soft touch to my cold, firm skin.
"No?"I questioned hopefully at the edge of my seat.
"Why would you?" She asked, confused and I shrugged nervously as I didn't know what to say to that. Rylan bit her lip and narrowed her eyes thoughtfully as she stared disapprovingly at me.
"You don't have to change a thing, Hadley," My cheeks reddened so hard to her words that I had to look outside the window as if that would hide my flushed face. That is the sweetest compliment I've ever heard someone tell me. How can someone like Rylan who is so distant, unapproachable and reserved, also be so sincere when she decides to? It's not fair.
She can't just push me away with her apathy and then abruptly pull me back in with her compassion and kindness. It's confusing my mind on how I am supposed to feel towards her. Rylan can bring out the worst of my annoyance, frustration and fury, but then in the next moment, it's like she makes me feel like I'm the only person in the room. The only one that exists in her world. It's the way she makes my stomach flutter with a need for more. How my lips demand to grin at her presence, but how my mind tries so hard to fight against the urgency to do so. I really do not want to give it away, but I can't prevent or stop my intoxication with her. What she makes me feel, I have no authority over. I'm powerless. All I can do is fight and keep my head above water. The instant I stop swimming, I know I'm gone. There will be no turning back from her if I let myself go. I'll be stuck in a spiral of endless need for her approval, affection and to be greatly desired. And in the aftermath, it will be unrequited. I will stand with nothing.
As time went by, we argued about who would pay; then, we found our way outside. I stopped in my tracks and took in the night as I gazed up into the dark sky. A cold snowflake came and landed on my nose. With a smile, I faced Rylan, who was beside me. The light from the streetlamps illuminated her tall form. I can't remember a time when I found myself drawn to someone confident, dominant and so tranquil. I always went on the hunt to find someone insecure and shy.
"Let's go," Rylan interrupted my trance as she turned to walk back to the car. Yet, I didn't want this moment to end as I saw a massive dump of snow from the parking lot place on the corner. Grinning, I walked in a direction of Rylan with determination to climb up the mountain of snow. When I reached the top, I sat down and watched Rylan come my way with her arms crossed over her chest. I could feel the cold hit through the fabric of my jeans right away, but I kept my butt seated anyways as I looked down at Rylan.
"You are going to freeze," She said.
"I don't care," I grinned as if I was on top of the world. Surprisingly, Rylan started to climb up to me, but she only stood further down and reached over her hand. I rolled my eyes as I got up on my feet. When I took her hand into mine, she pulled me up too hard and I slid. I laid my hands on her arms to keep myself up, but then she slipped as well. A pair of arms wrapped around my back tightly as we fell onto the snowy ground. I hit my forehead on her bony shoulder, which caused pain in my head.
"Are you okay?" Rylan asked, even though she was the one who took the fall.
"I'm fine," I rubbed my forehead.
"Are you made of rocks or something?" I asked, but the pain has eased now and I pushed myself up but froze as I gazed into those icy eyes of hers. If only I could lean down and steal one kiss; is that too much to ask for? I bite my lip to prevent myself from doing something stupid. We have been here before and it didn't end well. I can't help but feel the force wanting to pull me down to her. Slowly I leaned down, but a firm grip on my arm stopped me.
"We should go," Rylan said.
"Yeah, right," I shook my head and stood up. I let out a big breath as if I had been underwater for a while and followed Rylan back to the car.