"...because whatever
darkness you bear
is nothing compared
to my love for you."
I sigh as finishing to read the poem to myself and, as much as I'm satisfied with the result, this heavy, sad feeling continues to pester me whenever I think about it. Considering how I kept writing the poem and keep rereading it again through all of this, I must be a masochist of my own feelings, as well. How deplorable.
The professor asking for the assignments has me standing up to place it on the desk along with the other students, though not all of them.
All that is left is to sit back on my chair with this mild anxiety mixed with relief in my chest, trying to hold onto anything that'll distract myself from either this or the thought of what has happened, but it's difficult since nothing seems to be interesting enough.
None of the guys contacted me after I left and I don't care if all the signs point to it, I just don't want to believe they wanted me just because of the necklace then leave again, not to mention I have literally no reason to doubt they can show up out of sudden to erase my memories. Keeping the memories isn't all I want, damn, I also want Frank. Everything seems so close yet so far, escaping my touch whenever I reach for it. These ten days since I last saw Frank feel like forever and nothing at the same time.
"(L/n)?" The soft voice of the professor brings me back to reality. "The hour is over."
I blink a few times and look at her with a nod, sighing as noticing the room is empty whilst she organizes her desk. "Oh, yeah, sorry," I mutter, quickly shoving my things into my bag after standing up.
"Are you alright?" The professor stops me before I can leave the room. "You seem to be a bit distracted."
My mind just stops – I continue staring out the room, hand griping onto the strap of my bag, trying to think about something that won't earn me any other question. "Just didn't sleep well. Thanks for the worry." I glance back with a small smile, deciding not to even give her an opportunity to answer, and walk out of there.
"(Y/n)! (Y/n)!" Ryan's voice cuts through my thoughts – or the lack of them – on my way down the hall, followed by the sound of two pairs of feet tapping against the ground. Stopping, I look back to see Ryan and Dallon, both stopping when reaching me, a bit out of breath but smiling nonetheless. "Hi! You disappeared for these few days!" He furrows his eyebrows lightly, tilting his head. "Something happened?"
"Um, not really." I smile, feeling even guiltier to be lying and not talking to them now after remembering what once happened. On the other hand, I don't feel so bad anymore about all the disagreements that happened with Brendon before he left – he wasn't nice at all with being rejected. To be honest, now I am aware of how the situation could have been a lot easier and simpler if I knew better, though it wasn't like it would be as interesting. Meeting Frank isn't something I'll ever regret. "But how are you guys doing?"
Dallon shrugs lightly, noticeably relaxing. "Just fine despite all the stress of the deadlines, y'know."
Ryan nods, humming. "I had already finished everything some time before, but I was still nervous. Like, I tend to forget things, so I was afraid I'd forget to bring it. A shame not every teacher accepts it online, but that's fine."
"Agreed, but things were a bit different to me." I press my lips together into a smile. "I spent most of the two months procrastinating then practically did everything in a single night, but I think it's good." I think back to not having anything else to do since I couldn't sleep, what directly leaded to me grabbing the notebook and starting to scribble down exactly what wasn't letting me sleep. Needless to say, I was in such a state by the morning that mom insisted I should stay home.
"Sounds like you," Dallon says as shooting me a look – all of us laugh at that. "Random, but what about Jeph? You haven't been hanging out with him a lot."
I try my best to not react to the mention of his name, just pressing my lips together as nodding. "Yeah, man," I sigh, "I just haven't really been hanging out with anyone, to be honest." And it's not a lie, just not the complete truth.
The day passes by quite slowly, not really a problem considering how I am able to clean my mind from the whole demon Frank subject enough, hence it's easier to control the thoughts. This numbness buzzing in the back of my mind sometimes makes it easier for me to deal with things.
"Hey," Bert greets as soon as I walk past the gates, apparently been waiting for me.
"Hi." I nod, both of us walking down the sidewalk side by side. "How you doing?"
Bert and Dan the only ones I've been keeping contact with, even though I rarely talk with Dan – that's already something considering how I haven't even seen Quinn or Jeph's face around for a while, not to mention the way things have been with the other four. It's honestly deplorable. Nonetheless, I'm not sure if I'd want something to happen right now because I feel like I would just fuck it up.
"Eh, things have been... A bit too calm," Bert breathes, lighting a cigarette. "Like, weirdly morbid. Boring." He exhales, smoking melting away into the air as he looks up at the sky for a moment. "Not in the good sense."
And I know what Bert means. It's this discreet anxiety bugging us the whole time because things just can't end this way or else it'll be unfair, frustrating, continuously bugging us. What mildly comforts me is how I'll be lucky if Frank decides to take my memories again whilst Bert still has centuries ahead. Yet, these are nothing more than useless and hopeless thoughts.
"I know the struggle," I reply simply, finding comfort in talking with him.
We quietly walk towards my house, rather slowly in a wordless agreement to spend more time together. That because we don't bring any pressure to each other nor are obligated to fake anything to avoid coming up with lies.
There's a shared pain, even if in different degrees or for different reasons.
Mom isn't around when I get home, so I just leave my bag there and take my phone as deciding to go for a walk – alone, this time.
Houses and buildings fall back, giving place to trees, then only high grass whereas the sidewalk is replaced by dirt once I reach the road, probably having been walking for some time already, but this numbness continues there, maybe inconveniently, maybe not. There aren't many cars going down the road and only the vague but steady flow of vehicles makes me company.
How dramatic. How annoying. It's all so fucking stupid. Why can't I do anything about it? Why did Frank get so confusing? Now that I remember everything I went through with him – all the cuddles during rainy days, how caring he is, among many other things – my body aches even more for him; I hate being away from him even more. I don't care about how he changed or anything because I even fell in love with him once again, it's all about the way he makes things messy, difficult.
Thinking about this makes this sting ring through my chest, though it doesn't stop there and I'm literally yet again aching to have Frank here. Would I yell at him for being so stupid or cover him in love? Even I don't know.
Only a cold sensation on the back of my neck brings me back to reality. Seeing the thick drops of water falling to the dirt in front of me has me understanding what's going on and I look up to see the dense dark gray clouds, wishing I had at least paid attention to the weather before deciding to come for this walk.
I sigh bitterly, my mood falling even worse in the moment I notice how far I am already. Fucking idiot. The way back is completely terrible, if it wasn't enough.
More and more cold drops fall until there's a steady and heavy rain. Oh, yeah, because things weren't bad enough already, right? The sound of a thunder roaring faintly makes a shiver run down my spine and I try to walk faster, uselessly running away from the storm I'm apparently stuck in.
A car – a blue corvette – catches my attention as it slows down next to me, but I don't stop walking. It comes to a stop instead, by the side of the road, in a way I'm unable to continue. A door opens and Frank soon shows up, eyebrows furrowing as he looks over to me. "You're soaking," he says, apparently awkward at first, throwing the door shut behind him. "C'mon, I'll take you home."
"I don't need it," I reply, heart tight in my chest. I didn't deny because I'm too proud of myself or some other shit, no, I just know I wouldn't be able to endure spending over a couple of minutes in silence with him inside that car after all this time, all of this.
"You do," he insists, but I don't give in.
Both of us stand there, in silence for a few moments. As much as I can feel my clothes clinging to my skin and the cold feeling almost numbing it, along with fear starting to bubble up in my stomach as the thunders sound louder, I can't bring myself to worry about anything rather than Frank. Perhaps it's knowing he'll keep me safe no matter what, perhaps how now may be the last time I'll ever see him and know who he is and what we've lived. Only the thought of the latter option has me sick.
Frank wants to say something, spending the long seconds thinking about something whilst both of us only get wetter through the time – everything loses importance as he takes long steps towards me and the warmth of his lips against mine feel like heaven.
Tears inevitably fill my eyes, hot and stingy – they don't stop me from kissing him back and pulling him closer with my hands on his hips before my arms are wrapped around his waist, his hands taking place on the side of my neck and cupping my face. And there's relief. He's finally here, he's finally kissing me, touching me, even if that doesn't clarify whether he really loves or he pities me or this is simply a last goodbye. Nonetheless, I enjoy every second of it.
We need to pull away, eventually.
I don't pull away completely just yet, bringing my arms to around his torso to hug Frank close and tightly to finally feel something, feel him against him and believe it's real.
"Why don't we go somewhere, babe?" Frank tries again, breathing into my ear, arms around my shoulders. "I don't want you getting sick. Let me just take you home, hm?" A soft kiss on my neck follows his offer.
"No, you're taking me with you." I hug him tighter, sighing shakily and hating how he makes me feel, but what in the hell is love without suffering? This drives my hate to all the poems or anything romanticizing this pain because all I want to do right now is rip it out of my chest – weirdly enough, part of me wishes I could just drown in this feeling already.
"Okay," Frank finally answers, sighing. "But let's go now."
The ride is weirdly comfortable, even if I can't exactly determine the feelings being back in this car brings me. My attention is focused on looking out the window the whole time, mainly so I won't do anything wrong, uselessly believing the carefulness will stop Frank from taking my memories again if he wants to do it. He obviously notices that, the tension murmuring quietly between us under all the relief of being with each other again, like this.
We come to a stop in front of a fairly wide house, to which we rush inside under the persistent – I stop a few steps after walking past the doorway, observing the place with amused eyes. It's like if I had just stepped through a portal to the Victorian era.
The wooden tiles of the floor and the warm tones of the carpet reflect the soft light coming from the chandelier, only the natural light coming from the outside helping me identify the staircase by the left. Everything is in warm colors, from the curtains around the tall closed windows to the frame of the mirror hanging above the fireplace.
"C'mon," Frank says softly and I rush to get rid of my shoes to follow him upstairs, not failing in noticing the nice paintings of the four hanging along the wall by the stairs, each one painted in a different year or something, apparently.
Their piercing gazes makes a shiver run down my spine even if not real.
The vintage style is kept in the whole house, apparently, saving for the few technology that's resumed to energy, apparently a TV room, a few things in the kitchen and whatever adaptation to make things more convenient, but it somehow never feels out of place.
With a brief explanation about how he's going to take a shower in the main bathroom and I'm able to use the one in his room then change into a few warm, comfortable clothes he fixed me, I walk into the bathroom and lock the door behind me with a sigh. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror, just getting rid of the wet clothes to leave them in a corner. The water runs to warm up while I set a towel aside.
A sigh escapes my lips at the pleasing warm sensation, but I make sure of being fast.
Everything is silent when I leave the bathroom, asides from the soft, continuous sound of the rain against the roof and the windows, only turning the atmosphere comfortable, if anything.
I decide to enjoy the time alone, I look around, quietly observing the room while holding the hoodie's sleeve to my nose, what became impossible to avoid after I found out it smells like Frank.
A picture, however, on top of the drawer catches my attention, but I'm unable to go check it further with Frank walking into the room.
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