It may have taken a spiralling series of hapless events to lead me to such a realisation, but in spite of how I got to where I did, it's important to note that along the way I learnt two very important lessons:
The first of which being, that small moments, despite their intent or nature, despite who instigated them and despite their initial objective, can be life altering. Bad choices often sow the seed for something good, and sometimes good choices sow the seed for something bad. Life's ironic like that. But the worst of all is that moments in which you assume will bring everyone together, can often be exactly what tears everyone apart.
The second thing I've learnt, keeping the first lesson in mind, is that often these life altering moments become irrelevant, their repercussions no longer suffocating, the intent is disregarded and their nature is forgotten, it all becomes simply meaningless.
I don't think people realise until it's too late, that in fact it is not the moment itself that breaks you, or defines you, or changes you, but in fact it's who's doing the breaking that causes the most damage. Because despite what they say, everyone playing the game is always in it for themselves.
I just wish I didn't have to find that out the way that I did.
After the accident, I awoke in a room unlike one I'd ever seen before, the lights were harsh and piercing and every surface was distastefully white, almost clinical, as the bitter scent of bleach stood prominent in the air.
A large window sat on the opposing wall, the golden rays of sunrise leaking through the glass, spilling warm amber shadows across the tiled floor, although in spite of its vibrancy, it drew in a dry and bitter breeze that counteracted the warmth of the iridescent, yellow light.
There was a glass door in the furthest corner of the room, a criss cross pattern etched across the surface of the glass, although that didn't disrupt my ability to see right through it, out into a long corridor, the interior of which not much different to the room I was in, abnormally bright and clinical, although it seemed to be swarmed with activity as people passed briskly in and out of view.
To the right of my bed, just beyond a very uncomfortable looking chair littered with blankets and cushions, was a white door leading to what I could only assume was a bathroom, and just as quickly as I noted the red symbol just below the lock, indicating it was engaged, the muffled sound of a toilet flushing resonated through the room and the door began to creak open.
"Tonks?" I questioned groggily, my throat agonisingly dry and raw, as I began blinking repeatedly to awaken my tired eyes and bringing myself into a seated position.
Tonks whipped her head around furiously at the sound of my voice, her tired and sunken eyes immediately lightening up and a beaming smile, one which appeared long overdue, spread itself across her face.
"You're awake" She exclaimed, throwing herself onto the bed and engulfing me into an almost painful, bone crushing embrace, although it was a nice contrast to the numbing pain lingering inside me.
Tonks sat up, brushing my hair frantically out of my face to gain a better look at me as she rested her hands either side of my cheeks, smiling down at me with tears welling in her eyes, "We thought we'd lost you" She sobbed, pulling me back into her arms, although this time it was softer, more delicate.
Never, in my sixteen, almost seventeen, years of existence, living through a war, the loss of family, the chaos of the world slowly closing in on us, the misguidance and abandonment we faced from so young, as we fought to survive, had I ever seen Nymphadora Tonks cry.
It wasn't the sign of weakness I think she believed it was, in fact it was quite the opposite, never did she radiate such strength.
"I'm okay" I sobbed back, suddenly overcome with emotion, my head beginning to throb and my heart growing heavy as I looked around the room over Tonk's shoulder, my breathing growing laboured and my body beginning to tremble. "Tonks, where are we? Where's Fred? Is he okay? Where's dad?"
"We're at St Mungos and Fred is fine, just a broken hand" She whispered into my hair as she smoothed it down lovingly, halting her own tears, allowing me to sob frantically into her shoulder, although she neglected my last question as though she didn't hear it.
"Where's dad?" I asked again, slightly more bitter this time as I pulled out of her arms and stared deeply into her eyes, the burning salt impairing my vision as I tried to keep my focus on Tonks.
She took a deep, wavering breath and sighed, a look of what seemed to be guilt etching its way across her face, although her eyes soon softened and brimmed with sympathy as she took my hands in hers.
"It was a full moon last night. Sirius and Remus left yesterday afternoon, that's why I'm here, they have been here the rest of the time though. I should go and get a healer, tell them you're up" Tonks explained, running the pad of her thumb across the tops of each of my hands, this simple gesture enough to steady my heart rate, even for a fleeting moment.
I nodded, as Tonks began to stand, when a sudden and frantic reliastion washed over me and I held onto her hand tightly, preventing her from moving away any further as she looked down at me in confusion, "What do you mean 'they have been here the rest of the time'...Tonks, how long have I been here?"
She fiddled nervously with a strand of her pink hair, twirling it repeatedly around her index finger as she sat back down onto the bed, her hands still in mine. She breathed slowly, attempting to avert her gaze momentarily,
"Six weeks"
I released a ragged and shaky breath I had unintentionally been holding in as I choked on another broken sob, falling back into Tonk's arms I pressed my lips into a firm line to delay any further cries and screwed my eyes shut, guiltily wishing to be wrapped in Remus's embrace instead.
"I want dad. Now" I demanded unapologetically, overcome with emotion and paining exhaustion, despite having been asleep for over a month, needing nothing more than the warmth of Remus holding me as the scent of peppermint tea, the kind he always drank the day after the full moon, engulfed my senses.
Tonks stood up immediately, brushing down her trousers before heading for the door without another word, leaving me to sit alone in the hospital room, the only thing to accompany me being silence and my own thoughts, never a good combination.
How had I been so reckless?
I knew the ice wasn't safe, I said it myself, and yet that didn't prevent me from having a brush with death, ending up in a six week coma, giving my boyfriend a broken hand and almost erasing the future I had only just started to build with Sirius.
Fuck, Sirius.
I didn't want to know what he thought, this was not what he signed up for and yet here he was, having spent the last six weeks of his life living out of a hospital room because a girl he barely knew was impulsive and thoughtless.
My brain began to spiral, an endless cycle of inescapable thoughts drawing me nearer and begging me to submit, but just as quickly as this deterioration began, it was halted by the sound of the door opening and a healer standing in the entryway.
She was a small woman, no more than five foot two, with graying hair and kind eyes that crinkled slightly as she smiled and she wasted no time in walking into the room and seating herself on the chair beside me, what looked to be, endless vials of different potions in her hands.
"Hello dear" She spoke softly, placing six different vials on the cabinet beside my bed along with a glass of water, "Glad to see you awake lovely, do you remember much from the accident?"
I nodded slowly, the memory of ice skating with Fred prominent in my mind, the sound of his joyful laughter filling my ears and pulling my lips into a subtle smile.
I remember the nauseating feeling as the ice cracked below me, I remember its bellowing sounds, and then I remember the water. The numbing, blue, water, so cold it almost burnt, the way the ice encased my skin and stilled my movements as the beating in my chest began to audibly slow. I remember the shouts from Fred above and the feeling of impact as he punched the ice, the way his crimson blood coated the surface as the moon light disappeared and the darkness found me.
I remember the way I felt, just before it all went black. Fred's shouts and brutal grunts slowly slipped and their sound was no longer audible, although something inside me told me they were still there. The water around me refrained from rippling, and the distant moonlight no longer illuminated the surface of the ice, although the darkness hadn't quite taken me yet.
I remember that feeling, as though everything was still, perfectly so, nothing around me was real as the means of reality slipped and my existence became questionable. I had never felt so calm, so free. I wasn't trapped by the legacy of my name, I wasn't trapped by a haunted past, I wasn't trapped inside my own head. The repercussions of life were irrelevant and tomorrow was nothing but a meaningless prospect.
I remember it all. And I couldn't help but miss that feeling, just for a brief second.
"You are safe now dear" The healer assured as she watched the distress slowly etch its way across my features, "The girl with the pink hair, she has gone to get your dads. They should be here soon with any luck. Drink these vials in your own time, I'll be back with lunch in an hour"
The healer slipped out the room, my eyes trailing her through the glass until she disappeared from view, and I soon turned my attention over to the potions sitting in glass vials beside me, beginning to pick up each one, consuming their thick and bitter contents whist pinching my nose to avoid the sickening smell that was bound to come off of a potion that colour.
I watched the clock on the wall beside me, counting along with each second as I waited for Remus and Sirius, unable to shake the sickening guilt that Remus had endured the full moon last night and I did nothing to help, but I pushed that fear aside once I heard the door slam into the wall as it was pushed open with harsh and unforgiving force.
"Ardelle" Remus breathed with a heaving chest as he stood in the doorway, his eyes were sunken and dim and his skin had been stripped of all life, his hands were trembling and his body visibly weak, countless cuts and fresh gashes trailed his neck and arms whilst a pool of deep crimson stained his shirt.
He studied the look of relief on my face, a grateful smile which he soon reflected for a brief moment before striding towards the bed and engulfing me in a heartfelt and protective embrace, kissing the top of my head profusely as he smoothed down my hair, shushing me gently and rocking my shaking body as I began to sob again.
The way he held me was no different to the way he always had, even though our lives were different now, it was as though nothing had changed, and I couldn't help but imagine that he was simply comforting me after something as mundane as a nightmare like he had done just a few months ago, before I had come to Hogwarts, before I had met Sirius, before everything seemingly "fell into place".
Because truthfully, the more I studied the notion of things "falling into place", the more I noted the ludicrousness of that sentiment, sure the surface was neater, but beyond that, it was just as messy as it had always been, perhaps messier.
Soon, I felt the mattress dip slightly as someone else sat on the edge of the bed, and I lifted my head from where it was nuzzled in the crock of Remus's neck, to see Sirius smiling over at us, his icy blue eyes pooling with tears as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.
I moved slightly to lean into Remus as opposed to hugging him, before motioning for Sirius to sit beside me, the two of them looking down at me lovingly as they wrapped their arms around my back, hushing me gently until my whimpers settled into slow breaths.
"I'm so sorry, I was so careless. I knew the ice wasn't safe and that I shouldn't have been out there, but I did it anyway. I was an idiot, I was reckless and made a bad choice, I'm just so sorr-" I began to ramble, shifting my gaze from Remus to Sirius every few seconds to register both their expressions, but was soon silenced by Sirius.
"Pup, you did nothing wrong, neither you or Fred could have predicted what was going to happen, you are okay and safe, and that is all that matters" Sirius explained with sincerity, rubbing my lower back and dropping his head on my shoulder.
"We are just so glad you are safe Poppet" Remus added, leaning his body into mine as Sirius did the same, both their frames now completely crushing my body as I struggled between the two of them.
"Guys" I choked out through a laugh, spluttering slightly as silent and hot tears continued to stream down my face, leaving trails of burning scarlet in their wake, "Can't breath"
"Right, sorry" Sirius chuckled, both of them loosening their consuming embrace and standing up off the bed, allowing me to shuffle back under the covers whilst they sat in two of those uncomfortable looking chairs, interlacing their hands as Sirius dropped his head into Remus's shoulder.
And as I began to aimlessly stare at them, simply basking in the presence of something I never thought I'd have, a daunting realisation washed over me.
"Wait, what's the date?" I asked suddenly, evident guilt laced in my tone as I silently begged that what Tonks had told me was wrong, even by just a few days, a few days would be enough.
"March 15th" Sirius answered, his smiling failing to falter as he confirmed my suspicions and the guilt bubbling within my stomach intensified.
"What's wrong poppet?" Remus asked, leaning forward in his chair and placing his hands on the end of the bed.
"I missed your birthday" I whispered embarrassingly, hanging my head as I felt my cheeks burn and my stomach churn. Sirius and Remus exchanged glances before both audibly laughing as they looked over to me, my brows furrowing as I evidently missed the joke.
"Ardelle Lupin-Black, you never fail to amaze me. You almost died and your main concern is that you missed my birthday?" Remus chuckled in astonishment, a warming grin plastered across his rosey flushed cheeks, the light reigniting in his eyes, a light I hadn't noticed how much I missed until it returned.
"Maybe we could do a celebration when you're feeling better? A birthday for Moons slash glad you didn't die Ardelle type of thing?" Sirius asked in total sincerity, and Remus and I failed to stifle our laughter, Remus muffling his chuckles in Sirius hair, whilst I burrowed my face into the duvet.
"No no actually that's a brilliant idea Pads. Maybe Fred could make carrot cake?" Remus joked, causing Sirius to erupt in laughter whilst an embarrassed heat rose through my body and my cheeks burnt ruby red.
"I hate you both" I muttered into the duvet as I pulled it over my head to conceal my humiliation, as they desperately fought through giggles, like two childish school girls, which I suppose they were in a way.
"But seriously Ari, how is that going? I don't have to kill him yet?" Sirius asked as his gravelly chuckles began settling into steady breaths once again.
"No, not yet" I grinned, pulling the covers from above me head to stare over at them, watching as Remus looked down, silently debated within himself, before walking over to a large duffle bag in the corner and retrieving a clean shirt.
He slipped into the bathroom and returned just seconds later, having removed the blood stained shirt and replaced with a charcoal grey band tee and his blue sweater, the one with the tortoise shell buttons, before saying "There we go, much more presentable for our guests"
"Guests?" I questioned curiously, subconsciously flattening down my hair, and as if on cue, a knock sounded on the glass door, and I turned my gaze to be met with Harry, Hermione, Ron, George, Ginny and Fred all stood in the doorway.
They wasted no time in piling into the room, running over to me and crowding onto the bed, Ron placing a brown paper package on the cabinet beside me before throwing himself into my arms, Hermione, Ginny and Harry following in suit whilst the twins seated themselves on each side of me in the bed and immediately tucking themselves under the covers.
No one said a word, no one needed to, we all knew exactly how we felt, words were irrelevant, and never in my life had I ever felt so loved.
Soon the group let me go, and Ginny reached for the parcel Ron had brought in and started emptying its contents out onto the bed, different quidditch magazines that had been evidently gifted by Ginny, a couple of books courtesy of Hermione, more chocolate than I think they stocked at Honeydukes, and a card in which everyone had signed, including a small scribble in the bottom corner from Draco.
"I love it, thank you" I beamed up at them gratefully, my eyes scanning the endless signatures littered across the card, as they stepped off the bed in order to give me some room.
"We weren't sure what chocolate was your favourite so we sort of...got it all" Harry explained nervously, gesturing to the endless confessionary scattered across the bed, before he stuffed his hands into his pockets and anxiously began rocking on the balls of his feet.
I lifted my head from the card, flicking through the pages of the books Hermione had brought before lifting my head to catch Fred's gaze, his worried and guilt riddled eyes softening as he looked over at me lovingly, his lip trembling slightly as he absentmindedly played with the bandaged secured around his right hand.
Something visibly clicked in his mind as he used this opportunity to launch himself forward, evidently giving in to the walls he desperately tried to hold up and abandoning any attempt at masking his emotions, as he pulled me up off the bed and secured his arms around my waist.
"I am so sorry love" Fred whispered into my shoulder, nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck as I breathed in that familiar scent of hickory, except this time it was laced with the evident burn of firewhiskey, although I chose to ignore it as I lost myself in his arms.
"Don't be" I whispered back, wrapping my legs around his middle as he stood up straighter, tightening his arms around my waist as though he would never be given the opportunity to hold me so close again.
"It's all my fault" He whimpered, pulling his head from off my shoulder and staring into my eyes, his dry and cracking lips quivering slightly.
"No, it's not. Don't blame yourself Freddie" I assured him, brushing away a few strands of messy ginger hair that hung in front of his face to reveal his sunken and raw eyes, the deep pools of amber swimming with guilt, differing drastically from his typical beaming and joy filled gaze.
However, upon further inspection, as I studied his features, it wasn't only his eyes that were different from the usual untroubled countenance of Fred Weasley.
His skin was pale and washed, as though all sense of life had been stripped from his very being, his cheeks were hollow and his lips, usually full and pink, were thin and dry and with every breath he took the scent of burning whiskey laced with tobacco intensified.
And as much as I tried to remind myself that this was the same Fred I had always known, the same Fred that liked The Beatles and sang in the shower, the same Fred that used his wand as a drumstick more often that he used it to cast spells, the same Fred that lived his life so candidly that it almost made you envy him.
I couldn't help but think that this Fred Weasley in my arms, was not the Fred Weasley I knew just a few weeks ago, he was different somehow. Something was missing, like he was broken perhaps.
Fred Weasley had changed, and there was no going back.