THERE'S A MILLION AND ONE THINGS I WANT TO DO WITH YOU, BUT IT'S PAST MY BEDTIME //
♪
10: wanderlust
AMY'S VOICE ALWAYS SOUNDS SOFTER OVER THE PHONE.
Her thank you's are quieter and her I love you's are even softer, like honey sliding off concrete, something sweet against something incredibly hard. That was one way to describe his sister but another way to describe her is a total and absolute hardass. She's been that way since they were kids; blunt to a fault with an arsenal of truths that strongly resemble insults. Five feet three in body but six feet four in personality. It still baffled everyone that they got along so well. After all, Mamés was everything Amy wasn't: amicable, slow to anger with a heart of gold (at least that's what they tell him) while Amy was (irritable, a cynic, and a hurricane wrapped in warm pudgy flesh) the opposite. But they still kept their relationship after the divorce despite their varying idiosyncrasies and personalities. According to Jun, Amy fell in love with him at first sight when they moved in and had vowed to Jun that she was going to take care of him all his life, swearing to be the best big sister known to man. Mind you she was eight at that time and wasn't that much bigger than him, but her words still stand through even today (seven years later).
Today, Amy speaks to him in a French accent, mixing her French with English. Each rolled "r" and "s" makes him smile. Amy takes pride in being a polyglot, what started as a hobby has grown into something so much more ever since she started college to study linguistics. French is her weakest language since she took Spanish instead in high school so she has no prior experience like she has in other languages. Subsequently, Mamés took French instead of Spanish and is pretty confident in his speaking.
"So, are you going to tell me what's been bothering you or are we just going to ignore the elephant in the room?"
"Oh sorry," Mamés says dryly. "I didn't know helping you practise your French was a game to you. I'm sure your teacher will be glad to hear that."
"Mamés," she says in a warning tone.
Even over the phone, he can feel her smouldering eyes.
"Fine," he concedes, a little too quickly. "If you can ask me the question again in French then we'll talk."
"Ha. Have I been too complacent that you think you can bargain with me?" Amy scoffs. "Fine. You underestimate my busybody skills especially when it comes to you." Pause. Then slowly, "Vous me direz ce qui vous a dérangé ou allons-nous simplement...ignorer l'éléphant dans la pièce?"
"Parfait," he grumbles. She laughs, you know, the type of laugh that comes out of a villain while they stare down at the demise of the hero. Yeah, that laugh. The only quip is that Mamés is not the hero, more like side character #38.
"I am waiting," she sings.
Mamés rolls his eyes, blowing out a hard breath through his mouth. Screwing his eyes shut, he tries to pinpoint the reason for the stomach-clenching anxiety coursing through his veins. There are too many to count. Lulu wasn't eating (he's been trying to coax her to eat something since yesterday but she's rather interested in staring at the bottom of a bottle). The fact that Mel still wants him to call Christian and convince him to come back to the band, the thought alone makes his blood boil. His growing chemistry homework. Football practice. The list goes on.
He decides on something simpler. Something relatively harmless. Not because he doesn't trust her but more so because he does. None of his problems are things she can fix anyway. He tells her about the party he's going to with Ana.
Amy's silence is too long. He can hear her thinking, mulling over his words ever so slowly before—
"So, you have a date?" She concludes.
"How is it a date? I just told you—she's a friend."
"Yeah, trust me I heard you. Friend. Person, that is not those three pests you hang around with. Two people that like each other going out? Sounds like a date to me."
"Please don't say things like that about my friends. You know how much it bothers me." He tells her. "And it isn't a date. Look, I really like her as a friend. She's so cool. She honestly blows my mind a lot. It's like when I'm with her I can be anything, I can do anything. I'm sure you would like her too."
Amy snorts. "Yeah. Like the friends you have now? I doubt it.
Mamés pretends he doesn't hear her. He is not in the right mindset to doubt. Their friendship is a clump of wires that looks intricate but it isn't: a little tug and it's going to come apart or maybe it's so tightly wound and that tug would strangle him.
"I think I have to go. I need to start prepping for dinner."
"Hey, I'm sorry. Don't go. Let's talk about something else." Her voice is notably softer, kinder. And he feels his eyes well up
Eyes burning, he swallows the lump forming at the back of his throat and tries a smile that she can't see but knows it's there. "How's Bruce?"
The rest of the conversation sails on smooth territory. She whines about her boyfriend who she loves and is probably going to marry. And he talks about how gruelling football practice is. The closing credits to their phone call are in Chinese as always. She tells him she loves him and he tells her he loves her more. Which is true. It's not that he doubts her love. He is just confident in his. Mamés always loves more. It's just who he is.
♪
Ana arrives at his house at 8 pm sharp and Mamés is beginning to have second thoughts. Not because he doesn't want to leave. Man, did he want to leave. He wants to burst out of this house, this town and explode out of his fucking skin. But, guilt and responsibility are anchors tied to his ankles, keeping him grounded.
Earlier when he tried to get Lulu to eat, she snapped at him and shoved him. Hard. Mamés doesn't remember what made him trip. Was it his own two feet or the shock? But, he remembers the descent. The horror crawling on Lulu's face and the pain that shot up from his spine as his back snapped on top of the side table. He blinked up at his mother and she blinked down at him, horror, surprise, and silence filled the room. He didn't know how long they stayed there staring at each other until the phone rang and the spell was broken. Lulu helped him up. Her hands were shaking so badly that he felt his body vibrate with it.
"I'm so sorry Mamés. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to push you so hard. It just felt like I was suffocating and you just wouldn't leave. Please go, Mamés. I want to be alone. I'll eat. I'll be fine when you get back, so please just leave." Then she walked to her room and locked the door. Mamés called Jun immediately in panic, the sensation of her trembling made him feel faint.
Jun's voice was a crashing calm, reassuring him, telling him to stop crying (he didn't even realise he was), telling him to go to his party, to have fun and be a kid.
And, when Mamés asked, "What about my mom? What about my mom?"
Jun said, "I am coming over, she won't be alone. I'll take care of her."
An hour has passed since then, Jun is inside his house and Ana is outside, and Mamés wants nothing more than to forget his problems. That's why he is currently sneaking out of his house. He opens the door only large enough that he could pass through before closing it swiftly behind him.
There's a question in her eyes, but she doesn't say anything about his odd behaviour. The porch lights are off and he is grateful for the darkness as they walk the short distance to her car. He needs a few seconds to decompress. To remember he's just a teenager and it's okay to feel this way. This drumming excitement in his belly, this weird sensation of weightlessness that he's beginning to attach to Ana. Does he deserve to feel this way? It's an answer he's afraid to know.
They are beside her car now, and the street lamp flickers like a firefly above them. Mamés finally takes a look at her. Ana is dressed in long black pants that flare at the end; a short-sleeved white shirt covered by a mint green sweater vest paired with black shiny Docs. Her hair is in a high ponytail, and she has a black face mask, again resting at the bottom of her chin. Her signature eyeliner is gone but the pretty rosy flush on her cheeks looks too pink to be real.
Effortlessly beautiful. He can tell just from her body language how comfortable and confident she is in her own style. Compared to her, Mamés feels overwhelmingly ordinary in his matching white jogger set.
"Are you done?" She asks and he realises he's been staring. "So, what's the verdict?"
"I like it. It's giving me cool Grandpa vibes."
"Exactly what I was going for. Come then Grandma, the night awaits us."
Mamés smiles. "Whatever you say. Grandpa."
♪
True to Delilah's words, it can hardly be called a party. He can count roughly twenty people in attendance. Delilah the girl in question, unfortunately, wasn't even in attendance because her sister had caught a cold and she was babysitting. She had told her cousin beforehand so there wasn't any mishap concerning their invitation. An hour had already gone by since they arrived; chatting, playing foosball, and lots and lots of karaoke. Ana, of course, was a natural, she fit right in with the other tall, smart, funny twenty-something-year-olds that were in attendance. She's dangerously charming, since they arrived there has been a steady circle of people around her. Her energy is magnetic. Her mask covers most of her face but everyone can see her smiling eyes. When he asked her, what was the deal with the mask (this is the third time he has seen her with one) she told him she was coming down with something. And no, he didn't need to worry it wasn't serious. She is recovering, she just didn't want to spread anything.
Now, they are on the rooftop of the apartment building with five or more other strangers scattered about listening to the music trickle up and into their ears. The sky outside is a startling charcoal black. And it's cold–so cold it bites his ears and swallows his nose–so cold that he doesn't think much of it when their hands find each other in the pocket
of his pants.
"They are really good," Ana remarks.
"Very," Mamés agrees, singing along to the next line. "And I don't know what to do with myself."
Mamés looks up, dipping his head so far back that it is uncomfortable and he feels the throbbing on his collarbone from the alteration earlier. There isn't a star in sight just the vast never-ending darkness staring back at him. Then he looks down, eyes finding houses swallowed by trees, the litter of people and cars rolling on the roads so miniature from this height. The wind feels strong enough to carry him, it could whisk him away right now and he wouldn't mind. Take him all the way to Germany making pitstops in random places so he could collect souvenirs—a baby cactus, a magnolia, space garbage. and a kiss from his sister for the road. He's on his toes and for a second he thinks he's actually being carried away when suddenly a coil snaps and he's pulled back. Crashing down to earth, to reality. He looks back to see the coil is Ana.
Mamés realizes two things as he stares at her face.
One, he had been moving towards the edge of the roof and was leaning dangerously into the fragile rails. And two, Ana is scared. Not scared of him, but scared for him. Her eyes are wide and shiny with fear but she manages a smile and he admires her for that.
He gives her hand a reassuring squeeze and mirrors her shaky smile. "I think of jumping off rooftops like this a lot, not because of what you're thinking. I have a habit of falling off things—a bridge, stairs, bicycles. When I was younger, I fell off a roof. Of course, it wasn't nearly as high as this, but the short distance it took for me to reach the ground was unforgettable and since then I have been obsessed with the feeling of weightlessness—freefalling and hurtling to the ground. You know like a superhero or something," He trails off stupidly, scratching the back of his neck.
"Or like a comet." Ana offers.
"Yeah," he mumbles, feeling his heart clench at her words. "Just like that."
"Let's be best friends, Mamés. I want to be able to call you at 2 am for no reason just because I can. Being just friends isn't enough. So let's be best friends."
He scoffs. "Is it that easy?" He asks, thinking about the years accumulated before he earned the best friend badge from Mel.
"Sure," she pulls out a scrap of paper and a pen from her pocket, scribbles something furiously, and hands it to him. "Here."
DO YOU WANT TO BE MY BEST FRIEND?
TICK: YES NO MAYBE
Mamés laughs as he reads. Taking the pen from her, he ticks: YES.
She takes the paper back, examines it, and smiles. "See? Easy-peasy. We are officially best friends. I'll send you the certificate by mail."
They both begin to laugh. Heads bent, crackling like inebriated fools. Mamés doesn't want the night to end.
"Don't jump off buildings Mamés. When you're my age I'll take you bungee jumping. We can jump off a plane together. Okay?"
"You make it sound like you're ancient."
"Well, I am a grandpa. What do you say Mamés, let's jump off a plane when we are old and grey. Okay?"
He blinks at her, "Promise?"
"Promise."