"Why are we here?", I ask annoyed that I was called to the Hand of the King tower. I thought I made it clear enough to everyone that I did not want to speak to most of my family members. I heard footsteps behind me and saw Tyrion enter the room.
Joffrey emerged with a wide smile on his face but I just tapped my fingers on the table impatiently. I shared a confused look with Tyrion. He didn't know why we were here either.
"Killed a few puppies today?", asked Tyrion sarcastically.
"Show them", ordered Joffrey. He was practically jumping off walls with excitement.
Grand Maester Pycelle extended a piece of paper to Tyrion and I awaited for him to read it. Unfortunately, the Grand Maester dropped the paper right before Tyrion was able to grab it. I sighed in frustration. Everybody took every chance to embarrass my little brother. I picked up the paper from the floor quickly, giving it to Tyrion and staring my ice cold gaze at Pycelle.
I was in pain and I projected that into anger. I have never been this on edge in my life, but I was now. Anybody who looked at me wrong was risking the chance of being on the wrong end of my sword. Even Cercei. She has been trying to get me to her bed for a couple days now. I had denied every time. Father has been trying to speak with me, I had come up with some unbelievable excuse every time as well. Not that I couldn't come up with a good excuse, I could, but I wanted my father to know that I didn't want to talk to him.
"Roslin caught a fine fat trout, her brothers gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding. Signed Walder Frey", read Tyrion out loud and dropped the paper on the table. I looked confused at him.
"Is that bad poetry or is it supposed to mean something....?", asked Tyrion and I looked at the others expectantly. Joffrey's smile unsettled me however.
"Robb Stark is dead", announced Joffrey and my heart dropped. "And his bitch mother".
My ears began ringing.
Audelia.
She was the only thing I could think about.
Was she dead too?
"You have gotten to be joking", I mutter and Joffrey shook his head, the smile still not fading.
"Write back to Walder Frey, thank him for his service and command him to send me Robb Stark's head. I am going to serve it to Sansa at my wedding feast", said Joffrey. I looked at him in shock, and then I looked at my father. He was already looking at me, and tilted his head slightly like he always did.
"Your grace, Lady Sansa is your aunt by marriage.", warned Lord Varys. I turned to look at Tyrion and he was also in shock.
"It was a joke, Joffrey did not mean it", defended Cercei.
"Yes I did", replied Joffrey.
"I am going to have it served to Sansa at my wedding feast".
"No", said Tyrion. "She is no longer yours to torment".
"Everyone is mine to torment", seethed Joffrey as he crossed the room to look at Tyrion.
"You do well to remember that you little monster", sneered Joffrey and I slammed my fist on the table.
"Apologize", I ordered with a strict voice.
"What did you just say to me?", asked Joffrey, looking down at me. I looked up at him. I could barely control myself to not slap him with my new golden hand.
"You heard me", I seethed. "Apologize".
"Your grace, Ser Jaime is tired from his travels, and he has recently lost his hand. I am sure he didn't mean what he said. Forgive him. Ser Jaime, you should rest", said father and I looked at him with a look I had never looked at him with.
Pure hatred.
He seemed a little surprised to see it. Cercei too, same as Tyrion. I had never spoken out of turn, I had never done or said anything against my family.
But what was family?
Cercei was disgusting. Joffrey was a horrible King. In some aspects, even worse than the Mad King. At least Aerys Targaryen started out well, he wanted to change the world for the better, only time made him go mad, slowly chipping away at his sanity. Joffrey was always like this.
"Right, Ser Jaime?", asked father. I let out a breath as I knew I wouldn't win.
"Sorry your Grace", I apologize and Joffrey looks me up and down.
"You better be. Or you'll end up like all the others. With your head on the wall", threatened Joffrey.
"Perhaps the King shall rest", proposed Tywin. "Get the King to bed, he is tired".
"I am not tired", yelled out Joffrey but he regretted raising his voice as soon as my father looked at him.
"Grand Maester, perhaps essence of nightshade", added father.
Cercei led Joffrey out of the room, Pycelle joining soon, and Varys too. Me and Tyrion were about to leave but father stopped us.
"Not you two".
"You just send the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper", said Tyrion sarcastically. I sat back down, feeling tired.
I have been tired for a long time now. Ever since I got back to King's Landing. I was supposed to feel better, feel restored, like a new man. But I just felt like cutting my throat and get it over and done with. Especially now, that there was a chance Audelia was dead.
"You are a fool if you believe he is the most powerful man", replied father.
"Ah that's a treasonous statement, Joffrey is King!", continued Tyrion sarcastically. He smiled at me but saw my expression.
"You think the crown gives you power?", asked father and I sighed loudly, as I tried not to lose control over myself.
"What is it Jaime? Spit it out. You have been moping around the castle in your glorified armour looking grim. Do you not like your new hand? Or perhaps you finally realized that you should take the position as my heir and return to casterly Rock?", asked father and I looked at him with the same hate filled look as before.
"No", I simple replied.
"Then what?", asked father.
"Who else died?", I asked carefully.
"Who are you asking about in particular?", asked father in return. I was about to answer but Tyrion interrupted.
"I wanted to know if Audelia Stark also died, Sansa will ask about her. Jaime just wanted to save me the embarrassment of admitting that I still have feelings for her", said Tyrion quickly. He knew that if father knew about my feelings for Audelia, he would not hesitate but use it against me.
"Oh really?", asked father, not completely believing Tyrion. He looked at me with a somewhat amused look in his eyes.
"Yes, now answer the bloody question", I seethed, making Tyrion turn to me with a look warning as father sat back into his chair, looking at me with the same anger filled gaze I had learned to avoid at all costs since a young age.
"I have not received word about her yet. But I imagine if she were dead, we would have heard about her", replied father after a moment. I nodded, getting up and heading for the door.
"What is happening to you, Jaime?", asked father, making me stop dead in my tracks. "If you do not get yourself under control, I will not be able to protect you forever".
"Respectfully, father. I do not need your protection. I can manage just fine on my own", I bit back and walked away.
I began descending down the stairs, then I heard rapid footsteps behind me, and I knew it was Tyrion.
"Well that was a first", he began with a small smile but it disappeared when he saw my expression.
"She may be dead, Tyrion", I began, the pain very clear in my voice. "I send her to her brother, I broke her heart so she could be safe with her brother". I began and clenched my hand tightly. I could barely contain the anger. Anger at everyone, at my family, but most of all at myself.
"And now her brother, and mother are dead. Most of her family is dead. There is only two more of her siblings left, one is at the wall the other is a Lannister", I seethed.
"Jaime you have got to calm down, I have never seen you this mad-", began Tyrion but I breathed in sharply.
"The love of my life could be dead. I send her to her imminent death, thinking that it was her rescue. I may have killed her. Do not tell me to calm down", I sneered and Tyrion's eyes widened a little.
He has never seen me like this. I have never been like this. I just felt like a part of me was ripped from me when I broke Audelia's heart. Ripped away, forever. And no matter what I did, no matter where I was, nothing could leave the big hole she left behind. Now I understood why Robert Baratheon was the way he was after Lyanna's death. I could understand it very well. I was beginning to slip down that same slope. I have been drinking way more than I have used to. At least three goblets of wine with every meal. And the only way for me to be able to fall asleep without thinking of Audelia was if I was passed out drunk. It was the only way for me to get some shut eye.
"Jaime-", began Tyrion as we entered his quarters. I immediately went to the wine, pouring myself a glass, gulping it down, pouring another, and then finishing it completely too. I was about to pour myself a third but Tyrion stopped me.
"Jaime, you are breaking", he said, finally realizing how bad it really was.
"What was your first clue?", I ask sarcastically, reaching for the wine but he pulled it away further.
"You need to pull yourself together", whispered Tyrion harshly and I rolled my eyes.
"You are not helping anyone, especially yourself or Audelia if you become like the old drunk Robert. Get a grip of yourself", continued Tyrion and I just looked at the ground.
"I can't", I finally uttered, looking up at him. "I am so.... tired".
"We all are", said Tyrion. "But you don't see me let myself go".
I looked out of the window, at the beautiful sunny day outside. How dare the gods send such beautiful weather. How dare they? Audelia may be dead, and they are mocking me with the bloody weather.
Tyrion followed my gaze outside. I sighed deeply. What would it feel like to jump out of that window right now? Just let myself go, forget about everything and everybody, and just end it?
"Jaime, no", whispered Tyrion, as if reading my mind.
"Give me a reason not to", I begged him.
"Live for Audelia", he began to beg. "She may be alive for all we know. She may still love you. Imagine how hopeless she would feel if she heard you were dead. Don't do that to her. Don't do that to me. Please".
I looked at him, no longer able to conceal my tears. Tyrion looked at me sympathetically. He has never seen me this broken, not even after I killed the Mad King, or when Cercei was married off to Robert. I was truly broken now.
All my dead enemies must be loving to watch me now.
"Jaime...", continued Tyrion as a tear slipped my eye.
"Get yourself together. Stop drinking. And go find your love", continued Tyrion and I shook my head.
"She wouldn't want to see me. Not after what I did. I don't doubt Robb and her mother told her what I did to Bran, what I did in captivity trying to escape. She accepted me even though I had three bastards, and slept with my sister. Even though my family cut off her father's head. She would never accept me now that her brother and mother are dead, and she knows I crippled her brother".
"I don't think you give her enough credit. She is a strong woman. She is forgiving, and smart. She is alive, I know it. She is too strong to die".
"She may be the strongest person I know, but she isn't invincible, Tyrion", I whisper, looking up at him.
"She has lost too much, and gained nothing in return", I continue, playing with my golden hand.
"And so have you", added Tyrion, making me look up at him.
"Maybe what you need is to gain each other".
"A Wolf and a Lion don't mix", I laughed sadly. "She deserves someone strong, gentle and brave. Someone honorable. Someone who would never break her heart".
"Then become that person", pushed Tyrion.
"Be strong, gentle and brave. Honorable and someone who would never break her heart. Become that man. Not tomorrow, not in a week, not in a year. Now. Now Jaime. After you slept off your hangover of course", said Tyrion and I chuckled at the last part.
Tyrion was right.
I couldn't break apart. I had to live.
For Audelia.