I felt only anxiety. It was the night of the premiere of the last season of Sunnyside up. I had a normal red dress, perfect jewelry, hair and makeup but something was missing.
Maria walked into my hotel room. Before New Year we were left that Sean would be my plus one but I hadn't heard him for weeks.
I knew Stefan had text to him as soon as we got home even though Kylie had told him not to. Then I hadn't text him, neither did he.
I missed Sean, his presence, the way he made me laugh, wake up and find him playing the piano. Yet I'm felt that it wasn't meant to be, Sean was not to be missed especially now that he wasn't making himself heard to ask how I was, if our agreement had ended or whatever.
I had probably scared him and Maria had come to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. Maybe it was for the best, Sean and I had to stay apart.
-He will not come-
-I suspected it-
-Can I know what happened between you two?-
I hadn't said anything to Maria and Sean probably hadn't said anything to Rick.
I didn't want to say anything to anyone, he would have looked like the bad guy but he wasn't. He had been away when he realized that his presence scared me, he had called someone to help me, he had sing a song to calm me down. He wasn't the bad guy, but he was, somehow.
-I don't know yet-
-Try to agree, you cannot change your mind once a week-
-You can leave me alone-
She didn't hesitate and leave.
I wanted to go home, fuck the photographers, the cameras and the success. I wanted to go home and hide under the covers. I already knew the questions will be about future projects and Sean, nothing else.
I had spent these weeks distracting myself by going out with friends but it hadn't made me feel better. I didn't know what I felt or what I had to feel. Sean was not the right person for me and everyone knew it and yet I think it was inevitable for me to falling for him. He was not like my father, but will he become like him?
I picked myself up and left the room, I was an actress I had to act like one and pretend.
Sean
Turned on the computer and watched the live with Julian and Josh.
I was impressed with how beautiful she looked even with a simple red dress.
-Why didn't you go man?- I didn't even look up from the screen to look at Josh.
-Cause I'm not ready to see her-
Julian punched me in the arm.
-You're not ready? Dude I've never seen you engaged in anything like this. She must know and introducing you tonight would have been great-
-Not yet-
I turned up the volume to listen to the interview.
"-And here she is our little Kaycee. How are you girl?-
-I am alive-"
They both laughed at the joke but I know Kaycee was sad, she just couldn't tell. Maybe I was the reason.
"-This is the end of the show that started your career. How do you feel about it?-
-A little sad, it always hurts to say goodbye. At the same time I am happy to have the opportunity to dedicate myself to something else-
-Like a love story?-
-More like a new project, or maybe myself-
-So there are no boys or girls in the picture?-
-I don't know, it's all so confusing right now-
-So is someone there? Are you just not official?-
-As I said, I don't know-
-Two years ago we were here talking about Caleb and you seemed so much more confident. Maybe you should take it as a signal-"
I saw Kaycee's face change. She had given me that look many times. It wasn't the night to piss off Kaycee Rice.
"-My relationship with Caleb was not the same as the one I am living now. Yes maybe it will be even more complicated but it does not mean that it's wrong. I don't want to go further by explaining something I want to keep to myself. Now excuse me but it's better if I go-"
And with this she went away, without saying anything else.
-Wow man she was wild. I think she really likes you- I look at Josh who was already look at me and then look Julian.
-She deserves at least a good luck-
-And more, but am I the right one for her?-
I had missed her, since Julian came to my house on New Year and took the bottle out of my hands, I had missed her too much. I hadn't slept, I had spent weeks writing songs and maybe resting a few hours from exhaustion. I went out, more often than I wanted but I did, I had to.
When Rick came to tell me I had to go to the premiere I said no, I wasn't ready to see her yet, not after what I had made her feel. And she kept carrying on the show, she hadn't cut me off. Was she sure of what she was doing?
-I don't know this Kaycee girl. But I like her, she makes you more human and real- Josh said.
-You love her, aren't you?- was Julian's question instead.
Josh had no idea of the deal, Julian did and yet they had told me such similar things. Maybe it was true, maybe I was falling in love with Kaycee Rice, maybe I was already in love with her. But that was just one more reason to wait before seeing her again.
-Yes, maybe I'm in love with her-
Kaycee
I took a seat in the front row with the others. I had to wait another forty minutes of video plus ten of various greetings, then I could go home and hide from the world.
I took the phone out of my bag just so I didn't have to talk to anyone. A message caught my attention. I had Julian's number since Sean's birthday party, the boy said I'd need it.
I opened it quickly and immediately see a picture of Julian smiling, behind him Sean and Josh were sitting on the sofa but looking at the computer screen whit the live of the premier on it. Clearly the other two boys were oblivious to the photo.
"He will not be there with you physically but trust me it is by your side. We are proud of you, just be patient"
I smiled, maybe Sean didn't hate me. Julian was just telling me to wait, I didn't know what but I would.
-Are you smiling at a message from Sean Lew?-
I turned to Nia and stopped smiling. Nina also seemed interested in the likely conversation that was about to begin.
-Kinda-
-I don't know if he's the right guy. I had sex with him once, great but I don't know if he's a good boyfriend-
-You only saw him once, I have had to deal with it much longer-
-Sorry, I did not want to...-
-No it's okay, you just try to be a good friend-
-I'll be the only one who told you but I like you and Sean- Was Nina's comment at my other side.
-Not because of the "opposites attract", you two are very similar. Both with a normal life, then success took away from you something you loved and it destroyed you and now you have found yourselves to fix each other. If he loves you he will save himself for you as you will stand up for him.
Since you've known each other he hasn't constantly been at parties to get drunk to end up in some fights or in bed with other girls. You are stronger and more determined, already tonight you look sexier from the confidence you transmit despite your completely normal dress.
I don't know why he's not here tonight or what's between you two but I'm sure the longer it goes the better for both of you-
Nina's smile and Julian's message had been the turning point of the night. I just had to wait.
Thoughts?
XX Clary