I had this song in my head so I wrote a scene around it. Then I ruined it. Okay thank you xx
~Jesse's perspective~
Soft jazz is playing softly through the speakers, food happily bubbling against the sided of pans on the stove, a smiling man humming along: the perfect setting for romance to happen.
The music seems to flow through me as I spin around the living room. I sway along to the melody, not having been able to stop singing and dancing since I got home, even though I can not do either. When I came home I jumped into the shower with a happy playlist, singing along until my throat was sore. The jazz music while cooking was the perfect rhythm to my hands' dance with the ingredients.
How could I not be happy? My work was going great, I got myself a great guy who was coming over, I looked amazing and that ragu tasted absolutely delicious. My smile grows wider when I hear the doorbell ring, and my face starts to hurt when I see him.
"Hello beautiful, looking good."
His eyes twinkle at my words, creating butterflies that swirl through my stomach.
"You're in a good mood."
He takes off his coat. His scent is intoxicating, but I keep my composure as to not give neighbours a show. The door closes at the push of my hand.
"How could I not be, you're here."
He does look incredible, especially with that shy smile away from me as he puts his coat away that makes me feel like I could explode from love. I can not help but wonder how this amazing man willingly showed up at my house when I was a mess, how this astonishing soul wants to spend time with me. How this wonderful being longs for me. Soft drums start playing a familiar intro as we walk into the living room. I twirl him into my arms, taking him along in my dance.
"Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars."
"Let me see what spring is like on.... Jupiter and Mars."
I feel my heart get lighter as I hear his voice. His voice sounds straight from heaven, though I am not sure if he is actually good at singing or if it is just the sweetness of his eyes that makes me forget any singing I have ever enjoyed, just leaving his voice as the only pleasant sound to exist. I take over again.
"In other words, hold my hand." I hold his hand closer to my chest. He looks up at me while singing his next words.
"In other words, maybe kiss me..." I answer his question by leaning in and feeling his soft lips that created that beautiful sound.
"Fill my heart with song..."
"And let me sing for....evermore."
"I will...I do not ever want to stop listening to your singing..."
He blushes and I lean in once more. But before I can taste him again, the doorbell rings. I pause the music.
"Goddammit, don't move."
"I won't."
As I am leaving the living room I look over my shoulder and see him smile at me. I wink and smile back, though that smile quickly wipes away as I see who is in front of the door.
"What the hell." It is her, and she is mad. Her eyes are stone cold, so cold that I feel chills shivering down my spine. But on the other hand... it is kind of hot? What-
"Hi Jolein."
"Are you kidding me?"
"I can't say hi?"
"You're unbelievable."
"I know it's hard to believe such a perfect human being-"
"Perfect human being? PERFECT? Would a perfect human being go and sleep around with the person who broke his first marriage?"
"Excuse me?"
"For the past year I constantly thought I was treating you too harshly, that maybe my instinct was wrong, that maybe I should give you another chance. Thank you for showing me I was right I guess."
Another chance? What?
"What do you mean sleeping with my colleague? According to my calculations, you're the only one sleeping around with people who you swore you had no feelings for."
"What do you mean?"
"Jonathan."
She turns red.
"How did you-"
"I saw you at the tulip fields. Real nice to take him to one of our places."
"I- it was his- it's not the same."
"Well, maybe you should look at yourself before jumping to wrong conclusions."
"What?"
"Newsflash: I'm not sleeping with Rob. We're just colleagues pretending to have something going on so I get more publicity for my plan."
I do not know why I still lie to her. Is it because I do not want her to feel replaced? Or does it hurt more to know you are not right, and feel like you are overthinking it too much? Is it to show her how much she still seems to care?
She is completely bewildered and can only stare at me.
"Well, when you're ready to see me every week again: I'd also like to see my children since I'm not a threat to them. It's fine right now since I still have some work to catch up to, but I think it's important for my children to see their father. So until then, goodbye."
I shut the door in her face and return to the living room.
Rob is still standing there, but his beautiful smile is gone. It is replaced by ugly tears and anger.
"I told you it would hurt her."
I sit down on the couch and rest my face in my hands. Why did our moments have to be ruined?
"She's being hypocritical."
"You aren't even telling the truth! Why? Don't you want people to know? Are you planning on dumping me after you've got enough publicity?"
Does he really think that low of me?
I slowly raise my head, my eyes burning from holding back tears.
"Do you really think that's why I'm doing this? Do you think I would, or even could play with your emotions just for my own personal gain? Do you really think I would go through all this trouble, buying you flowers, making you dinner, holding you close, hell, even sleeping with you just so I can get more attention? Do you really think that low of me?"
"You just lied through your teeth to someone you're supposed to love and make her feel bad. What do you expect?"
"That's because I don't know what hurts more. That's because I don't want to throw away chances."
His expression changes. I should really stop talking when I am angry.
"What do you mean?"
Air fills my lungs as my fingers move to the bridge of my nose. I could punch myself. And yet, I keep talking.
"She said it herself, she was considering giving me another shot. I don't want to lose two people."
"So you still see a future with her?"
"I don't know."
"Because if you do, what am I doing here?"
"I don't know!"
"So do you want me to leave?"
"NO! I- God I don't know how to explain it."
"You're supposed to be a politician so try it."
I look up at him, his eyes staring at me impatiently. How do I even explain what I am feeling? I do not even know what I am feeling. My thoughts are a whirlwind, and it is almost impossible to find a coherent thought. But he is right, I should at least try to explain it to him. Before I can properly think about what I am going to say my mouth has already started a word vomit.
"I fell for Jolein as a kid, which granted was obviously very different from any feelings I had later on. But it started everything for me. For years I was secure in myself, in everything I felt. I knew who I was, and I was determined for great things. Then I got elected as chair for DWARS, and everything was going right, my entire track was clear, and I was ready for anything that was thrown at me. Until I met you. Suddenly, I felt unsure of myself. I was plagued with feelings that I did not understand. And it wasn't until-"
Blurry flashes of memories suddenly overwhelm me.
We are walking over the boulevard of Scheveningen. I feel jittery, as if I am walking next to a cute girl, just like I did when I was on that date with Jolein a year ago. But instead it is just Rob, my friend, my sort of colleague. And on top of that: he is a guy. So I can not feel that way, I just can not. I am just excited about being with a close friend, that is all. And of course, my candidateship into the Kamer.
"I will become prime minister!"
I hear him chuckle behind me, my stomach fluttering. But that is just the alcohol upsetting my stomach, I am sure of it.
"Then you have to beat me." his voice sounds confident and unslurred, unlike the rest of our previous conversation. I turn around and see him standing firmly, chest out and looking me directly in the eye. He looks absolutely adorable, but there is also a little part of me that is intimidated. I did not ever think about him going up against me, about him also having ambitions that would go against mine. It was stupid of me to not think further than my own ambitions. But alright, I could play intimidating too. I walk towards him, feeling more confident with every step I take. When I can smell the alcohol on his breath I stop, searching for a hint of unrest in his eyes. But he looks at me with fiery eyes.
"Are you really going up against me?"
For a split second something in his eyes changes, for a split second I want to bridge the gap between us- but no, no, I need us to talk away from the light, to not be distracted by his face. Away, away.
He says something, but I have already grabbed his hand and pulled him to the beach. Away, away from the light. Away from the world. Away, away.
"Where are we going?" I laugh at his silly question. We are going away, away.
But the sand is tougher to run through than I thought. We slow down. I can still feel his hand in mine, and now I am looking at him, the urge to lift him up suddenly coming up. Before I can stop myself, he is in the air, desperately grabbing any part he can to not fall. His waist is in my arms, and it feels so great. I hold him as tight as possible while he yelps something in fear of falling. But I will not drop him, I will hold him up for eternity!
Okay maybe not eternity. All this spinning is making me a bit dizzy...
His feet hit the ground again and luckily he is there to steady us. Our arms are holding each other as we look into each other's eyes. But even in the slight illumination of the moon and the far away street lights I still feel it. That warm feeling I had felt before.
"I am so glad that I met you."
"I am glad that I met you too."
I peer through the darkness to the slight twinkle in his eyes and the faint outline of his face. The moon illuminates his features, and as I am following them with my eyes I wish it was my fingertips. And I wish to kiss him.
"You know Rob-"
Wait a minute, I want to kiss him. My world falls back as I realise the implications. Up until now I could have denied it, said all the feelings were just platonic, just wanting to be friends with this cool person, just some good friendly chemistry. But now it was more than that. Now it was changing everything about my life. This was nauseating.
No, that was not nauseating, the alcohol just needs to come out. I let go of him as I feel saliva filling my mouth.
"Jesse, what's wrong?"
I turn around just in time to not get anything on him. My shoes might be ruined though.
I shake off the thoughts. If it had not been for my heavy intoxication things might have gone very differently. I meet his eyes as I gather my composure.
"It wasn't until that night that I realised what I was feeling. But well, you know how that realisation went."
He smiles slightly as he remembers that night too.
"I wanted to say something, I truly did, but I was just confused. I had seen Jolein for a bit a year prior, but wasn't sure if it was actually her, twins and all that. But there was something else holding me back, something that I could not quite place, something that kept me from speaking to her even after we had a date that made me think this was the woman I would marry. And when I realised what it was, I did not want to actually deal with all that. I saw the clear vision of my future falter, making me unsure of everything that would surround these new feelings. At that point I was not ready to face everything that surrounded my feelings. So I put it off as just some drunk thoughts. Not actually meaning anything.
I chose the easy way out. For quite some time I thought I was right, and maybe it was the right way as well. Sure, I was excited every time we would spend time together, but that had nothing on the excitement I would feel coming home to her. And we didn't see each other often enough to actually pay it any mind. And so I built a life with her, and I did not just fall in love with her, but also with our life.
It wasn't until we actually started working together every day that I finally realised that what I was feeling was real, and not just some drunken thought. But by that time it was too late, I was too far gone. And why would I ruin it? I had the perfect little life, I was back on track, and I could just surpress whatever was going on between us, especially since I was still in love with her. And so I thought I just had to deal with it, and it would be fine for the rest of my life."
He sits down next to me and holds my hand. I can feel tears coming up, but I attempt to keep them down by talking some more.
"And so I dealt with it, keeping in my feelings to protect her, to protect my family, to protect the life I had built. I believed that uprooting all that would not make any sense, you were with Sjoerd, so you could not possibly feel the same way. And so I took the easy route, and maybe it was the right route too. All the way up until the Resse ship happened, and suddenly all of this became very precarious. Suddenly Jolein could see all that had happened over the past years. Suddenly she started feeling what I feared she would feel. Suddenly it was no longer up to me to decide wether my feelings were reason for divorce.
So now I can build up a life with you, and fall in love with that. These last few weeks have been so wonderful, and I do truly wish it does not end. But if there's a possibility to get that life back I fell in love with, I want to keep it around. To make sure I don't lose everything when you're tired of me."
Tears are streaming over my face, but I do not care. I want him to know that what I feel is real, not just an act to get more publicity.
"Why do you think I'll grow tired of you?"
I look into his misty eyes and see a small tear making its way down his face.
"Because you want a stable relationship, someone you can come home to, someone who you can love openly. That's why you were holding back the first time."
He puts his arm around me and pulls me closer.
"Jesse, I want you."
"That's what you say now."
"That's what I want now."
Desire takes over my body. There is so much more to say, so much more that needs to come out. But right now, I need him, and he wants me. The ragu has already turned cold when we return.
On one hand I'm throwing up out of disgust and on the other hand I'm throwing up because it's so CUTE.
Anyway, I should really work on my own "relationship" but like, no❤