"The trouble is, you think you have time." -Buddha
Time. What an interesting concept. It defies all odds and when you need it most, it's nowhere in sight.
You never really know how much time you have left. It flies by in the blink of an eye. Time is something you can never get back.
I never understood the topic of time. Why do we have to measure time? Why is time so valuable? Why is it even a thing at all?
I finally know the answers to all those questions. We measure to make ourselves miserable. It's valuable because you can only receive it. And it's a thing, because without it we wouldn't know how much time we really have left.
Time never went by any slower last night. Harry had brought me back to his house, and left me there alone. I stared at a blank wall for hours, unable to capture anything in my mind.
It wasn't until he came back that I finally saw something. I saw grief. I saw anger. I saw despair. And I saw guilt. Harry's guilt.
We went to bed in separate rooms. Him in his, mine in the guest. He had told me before we parted that Niall had pulled a few strings and the funeral is tomorrow. I didn't even bother questioning since I was lost on time.
I guess we're all technically on borrowed time
This morning, I woke up very early. I slept maybe three hours and tossed and turned the rest. I got out of the big white bed similar to Harry's, threw on a crew neck, and walked out and to the kitchen downstairs.
I was expecting to see Harry there. Dressed, eaten, ready to start his day as per usual. Harry was there, but not how I expected.
Harry was sitting at the kitchen table with a laptop in front of him. His head was in his hands while he was only wearing grey joggers. He still had a messy bed head and what looked like a cup of coffee beside him.
It's probably whiskey but I'm not going to judge
I've never seen him like this. Unmotivated, messy, sad. I was kind of lost on what to do. But, I promised him that after yesterday I'd be there for him, so I will. I always keep my promises.
"Harry." I whispered while I walked closer to him at the table. He didn't move. He stood as still as a rock.
I grabbed a chair at the table and dragged it beside him. I sat down in the cold white chair and looked towards Harry. He still hadn't moved but now I could actually see his face.
It wasn't sad, it wasn't filled with tears. He looked tired, broken. Unfixable beyond unfixable.
"Harry." I whispered again and moved closer so our legs were rubbing against each other.
The touch made him flinch and move away as fast as he could.
"Hey, Harry. It's just me." I kept my voice low as I moved myself and the chair back towards him.
"Go away." Harry demanded in an angry and annoyed tone. I wasn't going to leave him though, he needs someone right now.
No matter how much he won't admit it
"I told you that after yesterday, I'd be here with you no matter what. And I am. So just let me sit here. You don't have to talk, you don't have to do anything. Just let me be here." I grazed my leg against his again, signifying that I was here and I was staying.
"Go the fuck away." Harry demanded again. His voice was slightly shaky but it was still stern.
"No." I barked back.
Harry shook his head in his hands and then removed them. He revealed his tomato face and blood red eyes.
He was high
"Harry. Are you high?" I switched my eyes back and forth between his with a shocked expression painted to my face.
"What's it to you?" Harry's eyes locked on mine, causing me to stay on his. They were in a dead stare.
Hey, that's more words than go away at least
"Drugs aren't always the solution." I broke eye contact and shook my head in disappointment.
"Hugging and talking out your feelings isn't always either." Harry rolled his eyes while slamming his computer shut.
"You're right, it isn't. But sometimes pushing away the inevitable is worse than actually being a man." I stood up from my seat and walked mindlessly towards the fridge.
"What did you just say?" Harry stood up a few seconds after me and stomped towards the fridge. As I opened the stainless steel door, he slammed it.
"All I'm saying," I slid under his arm and walked around the counter. "Is that maybe if you weren't such a pussy then you would actually be a man." I turned my back to him and pressed it against the cold counter top.
I need to get him angry
"You don't know what the fuck your saying." Harry appeared in front of me and pushed his body against mine. He pinned his arms on either side of my body.
"Awe, is the little man getting angry?" I spoke in a baby voice with a slight shake in my voice.
Something I've picked up with Harry is in order to get to him, you have to rise above him. Show him that you're not below him, that you can be higher than him. He's not as dominant as he plays off.
"Are you trying to make me want to kill you?" Harry's eyes were black and his jaw was tight.
"I don't know Harry, am I? Or is this the only way to get to you because you can't even let me help you!" My whisper quickly turned into a shout as I moved my face closer to his.
"I don't want to be helped!" Harry barked back. His jaw was still sharp and locked. His eyebrows were deeply furrowed.
"Why not!" I screamed back.
"None of your fucking business!" Harry spoke through his teeth while veins bulge from his face and neck.
"Just tell me!" I wanted to push him or punch him because he's being absolutely ridiculous right now.
"No!" He hissed.
"Yes!" I lunged towards him.
"Fine, you want to know fucking why?! Because everyone I let help me and get close to me dies!" Harry shouted back, his eyes swirling with darkness.
I pushed my back against the counter. His words threw me off. He just admitted something, An insecurity. Something I sadly had to forcefully pull out of him. But it worked, getting him mad worked.
I have methods to my madness
"I've never had a fear of death." I lowered my voice back to a whisper as I pulled my hand up to cup the side of his face.
Now that the hard parts are done, I can be there for him.
I broke a small part of him. The part that Ryleigh's death had fractured. The part that's been bruised since both his parents died. The part that was put back together when he loved Ryleigh all those years ago.
The part I just broke again
Harry didn't respond. Instead, he collapsed his head to my shoulder and let out a breathy sigh. This definitely wasn't what he was planning, but I really hope it was going to help.
"That's not the point, Kennedy." Harry's scream was now a whisper to match the energy in the room.
"What do you mean?" I moved my hand from his cheek to the back of his neck while he slouched in front of me.
"Ryleigh killed my past girlfriend, and I let her in. Ryleigh, who first broke through me, is now dead. My mum, the first woman I ever truly loved and trusted, is dead. Everyone I get close to is dead or winds up dying before me. And I can't stop the stupid fucking cycle." Harry whispered into my shoulder. His voice was broken and defeated.
"The guys are still here." I whispered into his ear, trying to find anyway in hell to comfort him.
"I don't confide in them. I confided in all those people." Harry lifted his head off of me, causing my hand to break away from his neck.
"It's not what happened to them, it's what happened with them that matters. But Harry, don't worry about me. I'm terrified of death but if it looks me in the eyes, I'm going. And that is not your fault." I stepped closer to him as he backed away. He shook his head.
"Yes it is." Harry closed his eyes and kept his head down.
"No, it's not. I don't know how many secrets you have or how much damage you've done. But what I know right now, in this moment, is that everyone of those people were lucky to get to know you. And that you're so worth loving, that they took everything you gave them to the grave. And even if you're scared, that's not stopping me from trying." I lifted his head up by his chin and made his eyes direct to mine. They looked so weak.
He collapsed his face. All his eyebrow furrows, his thumping veins, his sharp jawline. He let it fall to reveal him giving into me for the time being.
"How do you do this? Get to me? No one ever sees me like this." Harry collapsed his head again.
"Maybe I'm just as crazy as you Styles." I chuckled a bit while he lifted his head on his own.
Harry shot his head up at me with a confused look. It's almost like my words threw him off guard. But I'm not lying or trying to make him feel better. It's true, I'm just as psycho and insane as him.
"Impossible, I'm a unique type of insane." Harry suddenly smirked at me, wiping away all forms of sadness.
"Oh really? I could go on all day about what fucked me up to get me here." I crossed my arms and smiled.
"So can I baby." Harry winked at me before turning around and walking back to his laptop.
Baby, he's never called me that before
Harry sat down in front of his laptop and opened it again, leaving the conversation at that. He looked in a bit of a better mood, but I know it's just a hoax. I do it all the time.
Like I said, I'm just as crazy as him
"I hate to ruin the new happy spirit, but what time is the funeral?" I pulled my lips to the side awkwardly.
"In two hours." Harry looked up from his laptop and shut it once more before grabbing it and tucking it under his arm.
"Shit, really?" I watched him get up and start to walk towards the stairs. I followed behind him like a lost puppy.
"Yea, it's going to be a very long day." Harry started to walk up the stairs, me following close behind.
He stopped in front of his bedroom door, turning around to look down at me. I just stood there, looking back into the emerald crystals that take up shop on his face.
"I'll be there for every minute of it." I flashed a small smile to try and show him that I'm simply not going anywhere.
"Whatever you say." Harry dramatically rolled his eyes and pushed his bedroom door open.
I chuckled a bit before turning around and walking to the guest bedroom. It was a door or two away from his bedroom. I opened the golden knob and stepped into the room.
It was an all white room, kind of similar to Harry's. The bed was big and white with a golden bed board. It had a huge wall of windows and a small dresser across from the bed.
It had its own small bathroom but that was about it. I liked it, it was small and comfortable. I don't know how long these sleeping arrangements are going to last or how long I'll be staying here, but for now this is fine.
I grabbed my duffle bag and searched through it until I found my one and only fancy black dress that I just so happened to stuff in here. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was packing that night but I definitely need to go back to my apartment soon since I'm running out of outfits.
I took my toiletry bag and the dress and headed into the bathroom. It was an all white bathroom with a toilet, small shower, and sink. It was small and comfortable which is nice.
I didn't spend much time in my shower. I just washed my hair and body, doing a quick shave before stepping out. If anything I was washing away all the tear stains on my face.
The dress was a tight black charmeuse dress that stopped at my knees. It had openings around the middle of my abdomen which was covered with a see through black material.
I wore this dress to my dad's funeral, along with the same pair of black heels I was matching it with. I thought it was only fitting.
I dried my hair and lightly curled it. I applied light makeup and light jewelry. I didn't want to over do it but it is a funeral and you're supposed to look nice for a funeral.
I grabbed my phone and pocket knife, typing my pocket knife around my thigh with a garter for protection. I wanted to see if Harry needed any help and how he was doing.
I just want today to be over
He's being so strong. If I was him, I'd be destroyed. He's keeping it together, mostly because that's the only thing he knows how to do. Which I heavily admire. Although, sometimes keeping it in isn't very healthy.
But that's easier said than done
I made my way out of the room and down the hall to his bedroom. The door was wide open, welcoming me inside. So, I peaked in to see Harry standing in front of his mirror trying to tie his ty.
He was in his usual black tuxedo, perfect as always. His hair was a mop of curls and his cross chain was exposed unlike how it's usually hidden away under his shirt. It looked beautiful out in the open.
Harry was gritting his teeth while he attempted to tie the tough fabric.
"Need help?" I chimed in, pushing off of the doorway and walking into the room. Harry turned his head towards me.
His expression was tense and anxious as he watched me walk towards him.
"I always tie these with no problem, I don't know what's wrong." Harry pushed his hands to his side as I gripped his black tie.
"You're probably just anxious, don't worry. I used to tie these for my dad all the time." I smiled gently as I began to fold and manipulate the material as I used to do it.
"My dad would do it for me." Harry cleared his throat while keeping his head straight towards the wall.
I stopped my tying and looked up at him. His dad used to do his ties for him? As in the big bad murder dad who caused Alea to go to shit? I mean, I guess there's good in all of us.
Right?
"Do you miss your dad?" I began to tie again, trying to let him elaborate on his bold statement.
"Sometimes. I just miss the good side of him." Harry shrugged while shamefully watching me in the mirror.
"It's okay to miss both sides of him." I fixed his shirt collar before tightening the tie around his neck and adjusting the collar again.
I smoothed my hands across his chest and down the tie. I turned him towards the mirror and showed him my artistry.
"Tadah!" I looked at his face through the mirror, watching his eyes dance up and down the tie.
"Thanks." Harry mumbled while tracing the outline of the fabric. He looked like he was in a trance.
"My pleasure." I smiled in the mirror, keeping a hand on his shoulder while he stood perfectly still.
I don't know what he's thinking right now. He looks as if he's numb or shocked. Or maybe there's nothing in that brain of his and he just mindlessly works as a person.
"Uhm, we're going straight to the church. It's a small gathering since we need to keep Ryleigh's death on the down low." Harry cleared his throat while turning around and walking towards his bed.
"Okay." I nodded, keeping a subtle eye on his body language. He looks so anxious, but I can't pinpoint why.
Probably the fact were going to bury his friend
"Let's go." Harry tucked his gun in his belt and stormed towards the door, me following after him.
He led the way down the stairs, into the garage, and into his convertible. I don't know why he's choosing the convertible, but he is. Maybe he's trying to be happy, but I don't even know if happys in his vocabulary.
We both got in the front seat, buckled up, and pushed sunglasses onto our face. Immediately, Harry pulled us out and onto the street without another moment to waste.
The radio was faintly playing some old music as the connection cut in and out. As I listened to the song, I watched him the whole entire time. Watching his movements and his breathing, he was so off.
Before I even noticed, the car had stopped in front of a huge church in the middle of the city. There was old wood furnished to look old on the outside, and people in suits gathered in front of it.
Harry and I both got out of the car, Harry meeting me at my side. He stood there, staring at the church. I looked down between us, watching our hands barely touch.
"May I?" I nudged my hand against his, feeling our cold rings rub against each other.
Harry looked down between us and gulped.
"Yes." He responded, pushing his hand into mine. I interlocked our fingers, feeling his palm rub against mine.
He was slightly shaking, shaking in fear. I wrapped my other arm on the same arm I was holding his hand in and pulled myself closer to him. I was going to be there for him, just like I promised.
"Whenever you're ready." I whispered, looking into his fragile eyes. He looked so petrified.
Harry started to walk slowly towards the church, pulling me up the two stairs and in front of the group of guys. They all turned around as Harry cleared his throat, showing their faces.
Zayn, Liam, Louis, and Niall were standing together in front of the front door of the church. They were all matching with Harry, their ties perfect just like his. They all looked at him, then to me, then back to him.
"Styles." Liam nodded, looking away from him and sniffling. They were all probably so hurt.
"You ready to read a eulogy?" Louis looked down between us and back to Harry with a frown.
"Mhm." Harry nodded and looked down to the ground, unable to make eye contact with any of them.
He felt so guilty
"We're going to go inside and uh, see her." Niall cleared his throat before turning into the church.
All the guys followed and I even caught a glimpse of Natalie hiding in the back. I didn't even see her. She was clutching to Niall's arm, hunched over and crying into his suit jacket.
That made my heart ache
"Let's go inside." I looked up to Harry, seeing his stare on the concrete. Harry nodded.
We took a few steps towards the church until we heard a car door slam and heels hit the pavement. We both turned around and stopped in our tracks.
"Mom?" I called out as I watched a lady with short black hair and a tight black dress walk towards us.
"Kennedy?" She picked her head up to reveal it was in fact my mother. She stopped in front of us.
My mother rolled her eyes down my body, moving her orbs to me and Harry's hands and immediately shooting her head towards me. She grabbed my arm and tried to pull me away, but I kept a grip on his hand and arm.
"Get away from him." My mother moved towards my face, whispering into my ear so Harry couldn't hear.
"Hello to you too." I pulled away from her grasp, pushing closer to Harry for protection.
"Kennedy, get away from him." My mother glanced up at Harry who was watching us closely.
"Why? He's treated me better this past week then you have." I hissed at her. I'm not in the mood for her bullshit.
"Kennedy, you don't know what you're saying." My mother rolled her eyes and chuckled.
"Really? So you were there to help me after I had a panic attack? Or you were there to fix my wounds after Leonardo kidnapped me? Oh wait, you told me I should have been kidnapped." I narrowed my eyes at her in anger. She has the audacity to tell me what I can and can not do right now and that's pissing me off.
"Kennedy." My mother sighed.
"No, don't Kennedy me. What are you even doing here anyways? You live in Brooklyn, not in Las Vegas." I tightened my grip on Harry's arm because I needed something to hold me back.
Her presence was making me mad
"I'm moving here to work with Leonardo." My mother looked down at the ground in shame.
"You're what?! Oh so I say no to dad's position and you take it instead. Did you know about everything? Huh? The shootings, the training, the man he made me kill!" I started to slowly loosen my grip to Harry.
Harry pulled me back as I started to lunge towards her.
"Kennedy, stop it." Harry whispered in my ear, trying to calm me down. That only made me angrier.
"No, because I wanna know if she knew my father was a fucking-"
Before I could finish my sentence, Harry cupped his hand over my lips, making me stop. My mother shot me and him daggers as he turned me around to look at him.
"This isn't about you, it's about Ryleigh. So shut up and deal with this another day." Harry kept looking back at my mother as he spoke to me.
He removed his hand and took my hand again before I could answer, and pulled me into the church.
He's right, I was getting out of hand. But she just makes me so angry now, seeing how she's lied to me my whole life about who my father really is. And now, she's taking his position.
bitch.
Harry pulled me into the dimly lit room. It was filled with rows and rows of pughs. There was a slightly elevated stage in front of the seats, that's where Ryleigh laid in front of Niall and Natalie.
They were talking to each other while looking down on her, Natalie still death gripping Niall's suit jacket. They both looked so torn and tired from the emotional rollercoaster everyone's been on.
"Let's go say goodbye." I gripped his arm again, bracing myself for what was about to happen.
Harry started to walk up the middle aisle, me right by his side. I know he isn't going to cry, I know he isn't going to show any emotion. But just the fact that he's going to say goodbye, is such a huge thing. For anyone.
We got up to the big black open casket and Harry stopped. He looked to Ryleigh and sucked in a breath. Instead of pushing him, I let go of him and walked towards her.
Niall and Natalie cleared out knowing me and Harry were coming, leaving her out in the open. I stopped in front of the open part of the casket, immediately starting to tear.
Ryleigh laid with her eyes closed, colored a perfect brown. Her lips were a dark red like usual and her hair was perfectly placed on her shoulders. She was wearing a tight black dress as she held red roses in her folded hands over her stomach.
"I'm gonna take care of him, Ryleigh. Until he shows me a damn good reason not to. I've got him." I grabbed the edge of the casket, looking down on her. I felt the tears flow down my cheeks.
"I'll help him become the man you tried to show him he was. I will carry on your legacy, Ryleigh. We could have been amazing sisters. Rest in peace Ry, goodbye." I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and let out a shaky breath.
I stepped away from the casket and looked up. Harry was standing beside me, hearing every word I said. But I don't care. He should have already known I'm picking up where she left off.
I walked away from him, giving him as much privacy as he deserved. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I wanted him to have his own time, to say goodbye. Properly, say goodbye.
I met up with the guys and gave each and every one of them hugs. I kissed their cheeks and said my sorry's. I was going to be there for them, even if they didn't need me to be.
I gave Natalie the longest hug of them all. She was broken in her black attrite and makeup-less face. I didn't need to hear her speak in order to know they were close.
They had known each other for years and they could have been as close as me and Nat. They were sisters, best friends, and co workers. Everything to each other that the other couldn't be.
I sat down next to Natalie, letting her lean her head on me. As everyone sat down, the priest and Harry stood on stage beside each other. The priest was old, short, and chubby.
"We are here together to celebrate the life of Ryleigh Emerson Lynette Horan. First, we will hear a eulogy from Mr. Harry Styles on behalf of her life." The priest nodded and sat down beside Harry.
Harry stood in front of a stand with a microphone. He adjusted it to his height and looked down at me. I nodded to give him the go.
"I knew Ryleigh when we were little kids. Then more as teenagers. Ryleigh wasn't just one of my employees. She was my first love. My first outlet of light. My first everything. She showed me and many others that not everything was darkness. I will never be able to repay her for the things she had done for me, no amount of anything will. Ryleigh will forever have a place in my heart, my casino, my life. She will live forever because of her kindness. So, thank you Ryleigh. For everything." Harry looked down at his paper and back up to the church.
"Thank you." I whispered before getting off of the mic and running down the stairs as fast as he could.
The rest of the ceremony was beautiful. Everyone read eulogies, talked about memories, read prayers, and sang a song or two. Harry sat beside me, holding my hand as tight as he could.
All the guys carried her out and into a big black car. It immediately started its way to her grave sight while the rest of us loaded into our cars.
Harry and I had a very silent car ride to the cemetery. He sniffled a bit, but otherwise kept everything in. I don't know how, but he did. This is only going to hurt him in the end though.
He parked behind everyone and instantly went out. He wanted to get this over with as quick as possible and to be honest, I don't blame him. The poor man just wants to cry.
We walked over to where everyone stood around, holding roses to match the one she was holding in her hands. The guys and Natalie surrounded Niall, while my mother stood beside Leonardo and Eliza.
They were her parents, so Niall let them come. Eliza and Niall talked on the phone to plan all of this, as per Natalie. She rambled in the church while Leonardo did his eulogy.
"Harry." Leonardo's obnoxious voice spoke up from behind us as we stood beside the guys.
Harry and I both turned to look at him.
"Leonardo." Harry nodded, turning us back around to face the now closed coffin. It was slowly being lowered into the ground.
"We know what you did Harry. Killing Ryleigh." Leonardo's words made us both turn around again.
"I didn't kill her. She killed herself." Harry furrowed his eyebrows while trying to explain himself.
"Bullshit. You killed her. And I want you to know, I will get revenge. She was my step daughter, she was family. I won't let my family die in vain." Leonardo glanced towards me and back to Harry.
"I didn't fucking kill her Leonardo." Harry answered again. I didn't think he did, but Leonardo wasn't buying it.
"Is that what you told her?" Leonardo looked towards me with nothing but a sadistic smirk.
"If he didn't kill her, then he didn't kill her. Drop it dickwad." I stepped in, unable to see him get accused of murder.
Although it was attempted
"Harry's a big boy, he doesn't need a princess standing up for him." Leonardo rolled his eyes.
"You're going to let him talk to me like that mom?" I looked towards my mother who was watching the whole encounter.
"Your sick sweetie, he's just trying to help you learn your place." My mother nodded towards me.
Oh so I'm sick now?
I looked towards Harry who was looking down at me. He looked concerned but on the same page as me.
"Let's go before I literally blow a casket." I whispered between us, shooting lasers at my mother.
"I'll meet you in the car." Harry let go of my hand as I moved towards the guys to say goodbye.
I explained why I was leaving and everyone understood, especially Niall. He seemed like he wanted to leave too. Niall said he was watching Alea with everyone tonight to celebrate Ryleigh if I wanted to come, which I might take them up on.
I waved the grave goodbye before stomping over to the car and slammed the door shut. I totally would have hurt someone if I stayed there any longer.
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a/n: Sorry for the not so good chapter. Funeral stuff is hard for me to write but it was necessary. I promise, next chapter will be better! love ya :)