The game starts in a few hours. No matter how many times I roll my shoulder, I can't seem to rid of the heavy feeling of guilt as I work through my statistics textbook. End of term exams are still a good five or six weeks away but I'm very worried about statistics. I have never failed any of my classes apart from it which is the reason why it's the only one class I'm studying for weeks before dead week. However, as I stare at the textbook all I can think about are the tickets sitting in my drawer. My hands itched to pick up my phone and inform Charlie that I changed my mind and would love to watch him play but the longer I waited, the harder it was for me to do it.
The girls who were excited to watch the game wanted to sit home with me and watch it on the TV but I disagreed. There are only two home games and the next one isn't until the end of the month and they were unable to get tickets for that because it's the finals. It sold out a lot quicker than other days. I know how much they love these things. I refuse to be the reason why they don't get to enjoy it.
My phone buzzes loudly and I snatch it from where it's sitting idly next to me. I've been waiting for a sign-a reason, something that'd leave me no choice but to go to the stupid game. My heart sinks when I realise it's not Charlie or my friends but rather an unknown number. I drop it with a sigh and let it ring out. However, not a second later, my phone screen lights up with a message notification from the same number.
Text Message
Hi Lorraine, it's Isaac from the daily Bruins. I and a few other interns are going to watch the game together tonight @Sally's and I thought it'd be a great idea to invite you. Angie pulled your number from your file and gave it to me. Hope that's cool? Let me know if you'd be able to make it.
I read the message again a few times not knowing exactly what to feel about it. Despite the queasy feeling in my stomach, I feel excitement wash over me at the prospect of making new friends. Maybe it's the fact that I'm already dying to get out of the house. My fingers start gliding across the screen excitedly.
Hey, Isaac. Sure. That sounds great.
And I don't mind at all.
I hit send and wait for a reply. A few seconds later the grey bubble pops up.
Great. Would you like me to pick you up or do you want the address?
Freeride? Hells yeah
I stay at the Macgowan complex, close to the new Law building.
That's cool. See you soon.
See ya.
I grin as I save his number to my contact list before plugging my phone to charge. I close my books and head straight for the shower. Under the shower, I can't help but imagine how my evening would go. Amongst our friendship group, I have struggled with making other friends. I speak to some people in my classes but only when I have no choice but to do so. I'm aware a few people think I'm rude in my history of journalism class and I wish I could explain to them that I'm not. If only they got to know me.
But at the same time, they've never really made an effort to get to know me either.
Isaac on the other hand is making an effort-despite my unprofessional behaviour the first time we met. And that in itself says a lot about him already. The mere fact that I would be making new friends brings a smile to my face.
However, as I get out of the bath and walk into my room, I'm reminded about that video and the fact that these people which I've never met have probably seen it.
The thought made me freeze on the spot.
Does this mean they already have an impression of me without even meeting me? God, does this mean that they don't like me?
What was I thinking saying yes? This was a bad idea. I should tell him something came up. I know that it's my anxiety talking and I would regret this decision but I reach for my phone telling myself I have to study.
Yeah right.
However, before I can click on Isaac's name my phone buzzes with a message from Charlie. My heart flutters in response. I click on his message instead.
iMessage
Watching the game tonight?
Yes.
Are you excited?
Yes.
Fucking terrified too.
why?
Anxiety. I feel like I'm gonna mess it all up
The more I get to know Charlie, the more I realise he's not what I made him out to be. He can be a jackass sometimes and it might seem to the outside world that he's got everything going on great, but he experiences human emotions just like any other person. Obviously. I just always thought he has it all figured out, knows what he wants and goes after it. But for the first time, I feel like I can relate to him.
When was the last time you ate?
I had a protein shake after my weight training. Around 5?
My eyes fleet to the time. Almost two hours ago. I take a seat on the edge of the bed.
weight training?
Wouldn't that make you tired for the game?
Everyone thinks that but it's quite the opposite.
It's scientifically proven that it improves performance.
So you practised. You weight trained. You turned down my pizza yesterday bc you were eating clean. You put in all the work.
I did.
But there's something else.
I take a second to think about what it could be.
It's about your accident, isn't it?
No. It's not.
I bite my lips at his response. Before I can urge him to be honest, another message pops in.
Yes. It is.
It's my leg.
I fucked it up in my accident.
Oh.
Is it hurting?
Are you in pain?
It doesn't hurt when I play anymore
I'm just terrified the pain's gonna come back and I'll have to stop playing.
Stop thinking negatively.
Nothing's going to happen to you.
How do you know that?
I don't.
But positive thoughts will keep you focused on the game. Do you know why I asked you about what you ate?
Yes. To shift my focus.
Did it work?
A little.
Wanna know what curbs anxiety the most?
What?
A kiss.
Really, how so?
Not sure but I read it somewhere that oxytocin & dopamine decreases anxiety. Our brain releases those when we pucker up.
I see why you wanted to join Human Sexuality
I would fit right into that class, unlike stats where I feel like an outsider. I bet everyone in that class thinks I'm gonna fail bc jocks are supposed to be dumb.
people like you too much to think you're dumb.
So it's just you then?
You're not that bad.
Is this you admitting that you like me?
Don't flatter yourself
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
This is a safe space sophomore
🙄🙄👋👋
I have to go but
remember you worked hard for this. You put in the work to be able to get back on the court. You shouldn't let a scary thought stop you from living up to your reputation.
You were made for this Charlie Murtaugh. You're a natural star.
I wanted you here.
seeing you makes me feel good
for some reason
Seeing you makes me feel good.
I read the line over and over-my heart racing rapidly as my head frantically tries to come up with an appropriate response. But my mind is blank. As I try to come up with a reply, I see a message from Isaac informing me that he's on his way and would see me in 20. I put my phone back on the charger and walk hurriedly to my drawer.
I'll reply later.
It didn't take long to pick out an outfit. I've had it in mind since he gave me those tickets. I pull a short-sleeved white t-shirt on before pairing it with the blue UCLA 13 jersey Charlie gave me to keep. My body tingles at the remembrance of the night. The second night I spent in Charlie's bed. His hands around me. The tantalising smell of him. God, I wish I could go back to that night-provided I don't get a repeat of the embarrassing events that happened before. I shake my head to stop my mind from wandering to the conversation I had with Rex. I put on a white Nike tennis skirt to match and tuck in the hem of the jersey.
My makeup wasn't over the top-fluffy brows, mascara, concealer, blush and lipgloss. I spray some perfume and add jewellery. By the time I wear my airforces and message my friends about my outing, I hear the bell go. My anxiety returns immediately but I turn to look at myself in the mirror.
"This is a good thing Lorraine, you're meeting new people and finding where you fit in. It's...good."
I smile at myself before grabbing my shoulder bag and heading out of the room. I'm nervous when I reach the door but take two deep breaths.
"Hey. So bad news." Isaac who is dressed in a striped navy blue and black shirt and dark jeans announces as soon as I open the door. The smile on my face drops immediately "the bar that we booked just called to say that it's packed-you know it's games night and everyone that couldn't get tickets are rushing off to every bar close to campus." He grimaces and my mouth forms an o shape "we're going to look around but we might miss the start of the game before finding a place."
Then I remember I've got 5 tickets sitting in my drawer. "How many of your friends are we talking about?" I ask.
"3?" He replies with a quizzical look on his face.
"Perfect." I say "give me one second."
I rush back to my room and grab the tickets. I can't help the little giddy smile that takes over my face. This is the sign I've been waiting for. I don't know what I'm excited about the most-having another option that allows me to leave the house or the fact that I'm going to see Charlie. When I reach the door again, Isaac looks up from his phone and I wave the tickets in the air.
The look on his face is simply priceless.
***
"Wait, so you're telling me she had 5 tickets to the game but wasn't going to use it?" Cypher, one of Isaac's friends who is a huge basketball fanatic asks unbelievably in the back seat of Isaac's car. The first ten minutes where I met them was unbelievable. At first I was thrown off because to my they were all males and I was expecting at least one girl that I could relate to but they bombarded me with so many questions as soon as Isaac got the introduction out of the way that I had no time to worry. Although I was a little overwhelmed, I was grateful that I didn't have to worry about filling up any awkward silences. Plus, I managed to find out a few things about each person.
There's Liam who seems like the calmest out of the group since he doesn't talk much. He's got light blue eyes and sandy blond hair. He's a senior who's travelling to Afghanistan immediately after graduation to kickstart his career in War Journalism. He has been an intern with The daily since his freshman year. Kojo is an international student from Ghana. He's got the whole tall, dark and handsome thing to a T and seems like Shade's type on paper. He's a junior like Isaac and Cipher and doesn't know what area of journalism he wants to specialise in yet. He's also a crazy Drake fan. Last but not least is Cipher (an already voted favourite in my head). Funny, very problematic from what I've seen so far-he also wouldn't reveal his real name to me. He's half Indian, half Arabian with forest-green eyes, and spiky brown hair. He's big on sports and would love to work for ESPN after college.
"These times I wonder why they don't screen the people who buy tickets online. Some humans just don't deserve it."
He's also a tad bit dramatic.
I chuckle slightly as Isaac rolls his eyes "No one asked you to fall asleep when the tickets were released."
The conversation changes to a debate about whether or not Cypher was sleeping when the tickets were released after he promised he'd be awake to get all of them tickets. Cypher swears he wasn't but all the points depict that he was sleeping.
"I'm sorry Cypher, I'm going to have to agree with the guys on this one." I pipe up "you were in your bed with your eyes closed- that sounds exactly like sleeping to me."
The guys laugh.
"So you guys are all conspiring against me. I see how it is," he sulks before turning to me "you must have been up for a while to get them."
Realising what he meant, I swallow "I didn't. It was a gift from someone."
"Must be a special someone if he's giving you 5 tickets." Kojo says.
I smile a little, my cheeks turning pink as I remember Charlie's message "A little bit."
A round of whistles breaks out in the car making me blush even harder. But when I turn to look at Isaac who's behind the wheels, he's staring at the jersey I'm wearing intriguingly almost as if he can already put two and two together.
"So the rumours about you and Charlie Murtaugh isn't true then?" Cypher asks and they all go silent.
"Dude," Isaac says warningly like they already had a conversation about this before. He turns to me "don't answer that."
"What the f*ck's wrong with you man?" Liam asks quietly but we're all in the car and it's so silent you can hear a pin drop.
The little voice in my head immediately goes 'I told you this was a bad idea.' But I tell myself to calm down before I let my thoughts spiral and ruin the whole night for myself.
"No, no, guys it's fine." I swallow again, trying to play it off "The rumours aren't true. I promise."
I hate that I have to defend myself like this.
"We know that." Isaac says "you'd be surprised the amount of bullsh*t we get accused off when we publish quality stories. The system is designed to bulldoze it because the public would rather eat up a post by Theshadeborough than actual news. Which is why I'm surprised that Cypher would ask a dumb question like that in the first place." Isaac glares at Cipher through the rearview mirror.
"I'm sorry, okay?" Cypher says. I give him a small smile through the mirror too before turning to look out of the window. Whatever he's saying fades into the background. I'm more focused on watching campus roll by. A lot of people are out tonight-obviously all psyched up for the game. We're only a few minutes away from Pauley Pavilion and I feel my belly twist uncomfortably.
"Hey, Lorraine." I turn to look at Isaac who has an apologetic look on his face "are you okay? You've gone quiet."
"I'm fine." I lie.
"I'm sorry about Cipher. He doesn't know when to shut up but he's a good guy, I promise."
I nod.
"Oh f*ck."
"What now?" Isaac asks. I can tell that he's annoyed.
"Have you seen Charlie's Instagram? He posted something. You guys need to see this." Just as Cipher says this, my phone buzzes with one notification. It's Instagram.
Murtaugh13 mentioned you in a post
My stomach drops to my feet.
"No that's enough-" Liam says.
"I'm deadass. She needs to see this." He persists. His serious tone tells me he's not joking around.
"Cypher-" Isaac says in a warning tone.
But I'm already clicking on the notification.