"Ugh why do you have to say that, Claudine?!" halos sampalin ko ang aking sarili
I am now inside my room, having a fight with myself. Gulo sa buhok dito, gulo sa buhok doon. Hiyaw rito, hiyaw roon. Shit. I am going crazy!
"Stupid! Estupida ka Claudine!" dinuro ko ang aking sarili sa salamin
I am losing my sanity. And this is all because of Blue! Damn it. He really isn't good for me.
"I feel so stupid." halos maiyak ako sa kahihiyan
Ano nalang ang sasabihin ni Blue?! Na... may gusto ako sa kanya dahil napapatibok niya ang puso ko? Will he take that as an indirect confession? Jeez. I hope not. I seriously hope not!
"Para kang tanga, Claui."
Nanlaki ang mata ko nang marinig si Bench. Lumingon ako at nagulat nang makita siyang nakahilig sa hamba ng pintuan. Nakamasid sa'kin habang nakakrus ang mga braso. Now, I feel more embarrassed. My brother just saw me losing my sanity! Great. Just great.
"Anong ginagawa mo rito? Lumabas ka nga!"
Umismid siya at hindi man lang natinag.
"You can't demand like that. I am still your kuya after all."
I glared at him. And now, suddenly, he's being righteous! For all I know, talagang andito siya para inisin ako.
"What are you doing here?"
"Ako dapat nagtatanong niyan sa'yo. What the hell are you doing?" matigas niyang tanong
"I-I'm just... practicing a line... yeah, for our roleplay!"
Kumunot ang noo niya at maya-maya pa ay humagalpak.
"Mukha mo. Roleplay ka dyan. Ang sabihin mo, nahihibang ka na kay Blue!"
Sa inis, inabot ko ang isang throw pillow mula sa malapit na couch at ibinato yun sa kanya.
"Tumigil ka nga Clau. Para kang bata!" natatawa niya paring saway
"Umalis ka muna kase!"
Imbes na umalis ay naupo pa siya sa kama ko.
"May gusto ka sa kanya no?"
I shut my eyes frustratedly.
"Alam mo Clau, huwag ka na kaseng tumanggi. Masyado kang halata. I know you, you know."
Ginulo kong muli ang aking buhok at sinimangutan si Bench. It's useless to stop him.
"May gusto ka kaya ka lumalayo. Lumalayo ka kase ayaw mong ma-attach. Ayaw mong ma-attach dahil natatakot kang matulad kay Mo-"
"Oo na, Bench! So what, right? I am just trying to put myself away from-"
"Claui, you are just overreacting. Hindi lahat ng love story, kagaya ng sa mga magulang natin."
Oh fuck that. Love story, huh? Was it even love to begin with?
"Nag-iingat lang ako, Bench. Masama ba iyon, huh?"
Inihilamos niya ang kanyang palad sa kanyang mukha.
"I get it. You were traumatized. I totally understand you, Claui. But for how long are you going to keep your guards so high up? When are you going to finally open your door?" he sounded so pained
Napayuko ako. If this conversation is futile, then can someone tell me why this is hitting me so hard.
"Hindi naman ganoon iyon Bench-"
"Hindi? Talaga? Kaya ba wala kang ibang kaibigan maliban sa'min nina Hannah at Joshua? Kaya ba ayaw mong makisalamuha sa iba? Ganoon ba, Claui?"
"I don't need a lot of friends!"
"I am not saying you need friends! I am saying you want to but you're scared!" tumaas ang boses niya
Kinagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi.
"Then can you blame me? Can you blame me if I'm scared, huh?"
Lumambot ang ekspresyon niya at umiling. Saglit na katahimikan ang bumalot sa aking kuwarto.
"Clau you're just 12. Ang bata mo pa para magkaroon ng ganito ka lalang trust issue. It hurts me so much. Alam mo kung bakit? Kase dapat... sa ganitong edad, nakikisalamuha ka. Pero hindi. Eto ka, closing your door. Guards so high. Now, do you get me? Do you understand my concern?"
I balled my fist.
"Please stop jailing yourself in the past. I am not asking you to forgive, I am asking you to at least forget. Huwag kang masyadong lumayo at tumakbo, Claui. Baka isang araw, ang mga taong humahabol sa'yo, mapagod. Hahayaan ka nalang at hindi ka na hahabulin pa. And then what? You'll realize it all in the end and live with regrets. With a life full of what ifs."
Tuluyang nahulog ang luha ko. I couldn't even say something. I hate it. I hate that Bench was right. He was always right.
"Kung gusto mo si Blue, hindi kita pipigilan. Andito naman ako bilang kuya para gabayan ka. Besides, I trust that boy."
Tumayo siya at kinain ang distansyang meron kami. I let Bench envelope me with a hug.
"I am just 12. I am too young for this, right? Ikaw ang nagsabi," pagpapaalala ko sa kanya
Funny how I was always a believer of 'love has no age limit', yet, right now, I am doubting myself.
"You are. But... eventually I realized, no one is too young for love."
Kinalma ko ang aking sarili at pinunasan ang sariling luha.
Maybe, I am just really overreacting. Maaaring hindi naman ito ganun ka big deal. This is normal. Tao lang naman ako. I can like someone too.
"Loosen up, Claui! Don't take things too seriously. You're too young to not enjoy life."
"Thanks, Bench." I smiled sincerely
Ngumiti siya pabalik at ginulo ang aking buhok.
"Tama na ang drama. Bumaba ka na roon. Your prince charming is waiting."
Unti-unting umawang ang aking labi nang mapagtanto ang sinabi niya.
"What?! Blue's here?"
Pairap siyang nag-iwas ng tingin.
"So he is indeed your prince charming, huh?"
Natulala ako at hindi na nadepensahan pa ang aking sarili.
"Nasa ibaba si Blue. Kanina pa 'yun naghihintay. Kaya nga kita pinuntahan dito."
I tried finding a trace of joke somewhere in his face but I couldn't find any.
"Why is... why is he here?"
Inangat ni Bench ang kanyang kilay.
"Tinakbuhan mo 'di ba? Kaya ayun, hinabol ka. Naks, si Rapunzel ka na pala? Haba ng buhok, ah." panunukso niya
My face heated at the thought of Blue sitting on our couch, patiently waiting for me. Goodness, pwede bang huwag nalang akong bumaba? Kinakabahan ako!
What would I tell him? How would I explain? Would he believe me?
"Huy! Ayan nag-ooverthink ka na naman! Loosen up nga, Claui. Just go with the flow and let things happen. Huwag kang masyadong mag-isip. Kaya nagmumukha ka nang matanda eh."
Bago ko pa siya mabato ng isa pang unan, lumabas na sa kuwarto si Bench. Naihilamos ko ang aking palad sa aking mukha at dahan-dahang tumingin sa salamin. Shoot! Naka-uniform pa pala ako.
Nagbihis muna ako ng pambahay. High waisted denim shorts and black cropped top. I also sprayed a bit of cologne. Maging polbo ay nagawa ko pang ipatong sa aking mukha. Liptint din pala. Kung bakit? Ikaw na mag-isip.
"Ayan na ang prinsesa, bro. Pasensya na natagalan. Nag-ayos pa eh." dinig na dinig ko si Bench
I saw him in our sala. With Blue who's now standing to greet me. I glared at my brother before meeting Blue's eyes. He's no longer in his jersey uniform.
Magsasalita na sana ako nang bumukas ang front door at iniluwa si Dad. He's in his corporate attire. Nakita ko kung papaano siya nagulat nang makita si Blue.
"Dad, si Blue nga pala. Kaibigan... namin ni Claui." si Bench
Magalang na yumuko si Blue at bumati.
"Magandang hapon po, Sir."
Bago pa sila magkamayan, hinigit ko na ang braso ni Blue at hinila sa labas, papunta sa may pool side. Awkward akong ngumiti sa kanya nang tumigil kami sa paglalakad. He seemed confused. Tingin niya siguro ang bastos kong anak.
"Sorry 'bout that." nag-iwas ako ng tingin
I directed my gaze at the pool in front of us. Walang naliligo kaya naka-steady ang tubig. Kung titignan, mukhang mababaw. Pero kung lalanguyin, malalim. Parang iyong ginawa ko lang kanina.
Kung sasabihin ko ngayon kay Blue na may kaunting misunderstanding lang, maaaring isipin niyang maaayos din ito sa loob ng ilang oras. Pero kung hahayaan kong malaman niya ang buong storya, malalaman niyang hindi madaling ayusin ang lahat. Ang sugat ay sobrang lalim... sa sobrang lalim, magdaan man ang ilang taon, hindi ito maghihilom.
"Are you okay?"
There's that question again. What does that word mean, by the way? If being okay means physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually fine, then maybe I was never okay.
"Yup." tipid kong sagot "Bakit ka nga pala pumunta pa rito?" I tried to sound casual
"You left without hearing me. So I'm here to-"
"Didn't I told you to stay away?" I asked when I could no longer contain myself
"I am not your servant. You can't just order me to leave whenever you want-"
"Then what is it that you want to do now?"
Nilingon ko siya para bigyan ng naghahamong tingin. Lumunok siya at umayos ng tayo. Nilabanan niya ang titig ko. I want to applaud myself for maintaining a straight face when my knees are almost wobbling.
"I want you to now that you are making my heart thump, too."
I suppressed my lips from parting.
"You run in my mind before I go to bed, even the moment I wake up. I am always anticipated to texting you. Seeing you. You see, I am almost going crazy."
He advanced a step. Sa gulat ko'y agad akong umatras. Am I really hearing this from him?
"And I want you to know that I am not afraid of how you make me feel. Haharapin ko ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo, Claudine."
"W-What are you bluffing about?"
My heart melted when he gave me a sincere small smile. Inabot niyang bigla ang aking kamay. Dala ng panghihina, nagpaubaya ako.
"I like you, Claudine Gonzaga."
He slowly placed my hand on his chest. He was looking at me intently while letting me feel how his heart beats quickly against my palm.
Surely, I like him too. So much.