"Perrie, can we please talk about this?" I practically begged.
We haven't talked about what happened since we left. Perrie was studiously avoiding my gaze and I couldn't do anything but sigh despondently at that. She was a few steps ahead of me, and even when I tried to catch up, she'd notice and walk further ahead until I'm a few steps behind her.
It's insane how the tables have turned in a complete 180 degree. I stepped into the party with the anticipation that I wouldn't think of anything, only to leave with a plethora of thoughts that has me questioning whether having a vacation here is a wise choice.
And it doesn't help that Perrie was the cause of it all.
She didn't even want to talk to me anymore. She merely glanced behind me and offered a small shrug before looking back to the front.
"Perrie, we were really just hanging out," I tried to explain. I ignored her sardonic snort and barreled on, "I was just feeling down all of a sudden because y —" I shut my mouth quickly at the last part. I didn't want to admit that I've been down in the dumps because I assumed that Perrie left with another woman.
Wracking my brain for words to say, I didn't realize that Perrie was already facing me now. I halted my footsteps and looked at her expectantly.
"Tell me if I'm wrong," she said. She crossed her arms and stared me down intensely. "When I saw you two, you guys were so close it almost looked like you were gonna kiss. And hearing Niall asking you out was the confirmation I needed that there was something going on between the both of you —"
"There's nothing going on, Perrie!" I sighed out, closing my eyes in exasperation.
"So, if I wasn't there to 'interrupt' your alone time," Perrie emphasized on the word with finger quotes, completely ignoring what I just told her a second ago, "would you have kissed him? Would you have said yes to him?"
"No!" I quickly denied, vigorously shaking my head. "We weren't even going to kiss! I was just —"
"You were just what, Jade Thirlwall?" She raised her eyebrows expectantly, almost challenging me to lie to her face. "Because you were basically invading his personal space awhile ago, it seemed compromising, if I were to be honest."
"I . . . was flirting," I sighed out, feeling defeated already. Feeling the lump in my throat, I tried to push it down and spoke up again, "But I didn't know he was Leigh's boyfriend! Who do you think me for, huh? Do I look like the type of woman who would just — just kiss everyone I see no matter their relationship status!?"
"I don't know, okay? All I know is that it infuriated me seeing you with him!"
Perrie was shouting her lungs out already, it almost felt like my eardrums are being destroyed completely. I thank God the party was too loud. The last thing I needed is people looking me down like I'm a microorganism lying down on a microscope.
"Not just because I like you, but because my best friend got cheated on again by that same fucking jerk all because of you!"
"Are you implying that it's my fault?" I asked lowly, my teeth gritted.
"I'm not implying it," she said, challenging my furious stare, "I'm stating it."
"Urgh!" I suddenly cried out, making Perrie step back in surprise.
I feel like I'm going insane because of this woman in front of me! I was basically trying to rip my hair out of my head because I don't know what else to do that could convey how unfair this all seems to be.
Several emotions came at me like a tsunami, overwhelming me and drowning me until finally, I exploded.
"Okay, fine!" I yelled, throwing my arms up in frustration. A bitter laugh escaped from my mouth without my permission, and Perrie raised her eyebrows at the reaction. I shook my head and scoffed, "Fine. I'm not gonna lie — I actually enjoyed his company tonight. I enjoyed how he made me feel."
"Ah," Perrie commented, clearly pissed off if her reddened face is a sign. "And, pray tell, how does he make you feel, Jade Thirlwall, hmm?"
I clenched my jaw. "Perrie, you're being an asshole."
Perrie's gaze didn't waver, only hardened. "I won't apologize for that."
"You wanna know how he makes me feel?" I started, taking a step towards her, my gaze not faltering. "He makes me feel like I'm not alone at the party because apparently, a certain woman named Perrie Edwards left me to hook up with someone else!"
She furrowed her brows. "What the hell are you talking about?"
I strode over to her and halted just a few inches away from her. "Who was the girl you were talking to earlier at the bar, hmm?"
She planted her fingertips on both sides of her head and groaned, "What girl?!"
The incredulous look on her face was the last straw.
I covered my face with my hands and let out a low growl. "This is fucking insane, Perrie!"
Letting my hands fall back down on my side, I gave Perrie the deadliest stare I could manage. She has become so obnoxious already and right now I can't stand her.
"I came to this place hoping that I could take a break from this ball-and-chain called Hollywood — only to be more stressed out because of you! My first week here, I was having the best time of my life. Until I met you." I jabbed a finger on her chest harshly, making her stumble back a bit.
"Jade, stop it," she said with gritted teeth.
But I plowed on anyway, "And what's worse is that I'll be leaving next month with unforgettable memories . . . And then there's you, with that short-term memory loss bullshit."
"Stop it, Jade," she said lowly, pushing my hand away roughly. "You have no idea how hard it is for me live like this."
"And you have no idea how hard it is for me live like this, too," I snapped.
Perrie let out a low chuckle and shook her head. She folded her arms in front of her chest. "Hard? You got everyone wrapped around your finger, begging for your attention, falling head over heels for you — Heck, even Niall had the audacity to cheat on Leigh again because of you! Everyone is at your mercy because that's how powerful you are, Jade Thirlwall."
I furrowed my eyebrows, clearly lost. And she took my silence as a green light to continue to ramble on.
"You say living a life like yours is difficult, but fucking hell Jade how I wished to live your life because maybe by then —" I widened my eyes in shock when she choked. Her gaze softened, and the tears welled up at the corners of her eyes before she blinked them away and regained her composure. "— Maybe by then, Caitlyn can have a good life."
Her voice cracked as she uttered those words out loud. A tear cascaded down her cheek, but she was quick to wipe it away.
"Maybe by then," she continued, "I can move us to New York where she can study acting in Juilliard because you're her role model. Maybe by then, she'll make friends, join clubs or participate in extracurricular activities and I wouldn't have to worry about her tuition fee because money won't be an issue." Then she sobbed, "Maybe by then, our own mother wouldn't leave us because she's having a hard time trying to help us survive and —"
"Stop," I begged, already on the verge of tears. I didn't dither to wrap my arms around her and pull her into me, gently placing her head on my shoulder. I breathed a sigh of relief when she relented and clutched the fabric of my shirt tightly as she heaved sobs continuously against my shoulder. "Breathe, Perrie. Breathe."
I realized that I was a bit selfish there. I hadn't thought about Perrie's situation because jealousy clouded every nook and cranny of my head. I just kept on rambling on about how furious I'll be when I leave Miami — hell, I even complained about her memory problems in front of her face and not once did I even think about whether I had hurt her feelings or not. I didn't even ask if she's alright because I was solely focused on my own self.
Perrie knows my story, but I never asked about hers.
I never asked about what life is like in her eyes; never asked what she wanted to do, what she wanted to achieve; never asked what she's planning to do for Caitlyn when the girl had to go a high school and then university.
I never even asked about why it's just the two of them now.
What happened to her mother? What happened to her father? Why did they leave them (assuming that they both left their daughters by choice)?
A wave of guilt flooded over me, and all I could do was hope that me consoling her is an adequate apology.
We stayed in this position for a solid five minutes before she finally calmed down. With a heavy sigh, Perrie let go of my shirt and moved back.
I was quick to produce a tissue roll from my purse and handed it to her. "Here."
She muttered a simple 'thanks' before grabbing it and tore a few tissue papers, haphazardly dabbing them on her tear-stricken face. She looked at my appearance and a frown settled on her face.
"You're drenched now."
I shrugged. "It's no big deal."
She simply nodded and just resumed her doing.
"Congrats, by the way," she said out of nowhere, crumpling the used tissues.
"What for?"
"For making me cry." She handed me back the tissue roll. "Thanks for this. I look like a mess right now but I don't give a crap."
I immediately shook my head as I placed the tissue roll back inside my purse. "Nah, you still look pretty."
"As pretty as you look when you cry on screen?" She teased.
My gaze lingered on her for a few moments. And during those moments, I took the chance to observe her. Her ocean blue eyes, her plumped lips, her blushing cheeks. Just her in general.
I shook my head again. "Prettier."
I didn't know what possessed me to say that, but seeing the blush spread across her cheeks somehow gave me satisfaction the rest of the night . . . and before I fall asleep on my hotel bed.
XXX
The next day, all I could think about is Leigh.
I haven't shown up to Perrie's restaurant because I needed to clear my head and search for words to say as an apology to her friend.
A part of me wished that Perrie could forget about what happened, another part of me felt guilty because it feels like I'm taking her memory problems for granted, and the huge part of me just wished that the whole ground would swallow me up.
And it's not like I can blame this wholly on Niall because I'm at fault, too. I knew my feelings for Perrie, and she knew my feelings too. And the same goes for her. So I shouldn't even do anything that makes her doubt my feelings — like planning to accept Niall's proposal for a date.
My toothbrush remained inside my mouth as I stilled my hand, a drop of toothpaste dripped from the corner of my mouth as epiphany kicked in like a wrecking ball.
Perrie doesn't know I like her yet.
I didn't tell her I feel the same way.
What the heck is wrong with me!? was the only thought running through my head as I was hurriedly brushing my teeth and wiping my mouth before stepping out of the bathroom to finally get changed.