Tw: Suicidal thoughts and actions
When I went into school, Jake wasn't waiting for me in our spot. He was talking to Daniel and some other people from the football team. I could tell that something was off, but I didn't know what. They were laughing and Jake was standing there with his jaw clenched. Anytime he would move away, they would follow after him.
He looked over and saw me leaning on Blaine, and walked over giving me a quick hug then dropping his hands. I could tell that something was going on. His eyes were sad and he wasn't talking. He just wasn't him. I didn't want to say anything that I was seeing unless I needed to in order to keep him safe. I decided to just play it like a normal day until I had a better idea of where his brain was. I looked over at Blaine, who nodded. He clearly saw the same things that I did and had the same idea. I guess that's another good thing about having the same brain.
"Hey handsome," I said taking his hand, which he quickly dropped. I watched him ball up his hand and dig his nails into his palm. "Hey, hey give me your hand baby," I told him taking his hand back. I didn't need to hold his hand, and if he was having a sensory overloaded day I would've let him keep it. I took his hand because he was hurting himself and needed to be helped to keep from doing that.
He ripped his hand out of mine, "I'm fine Emily." He said in such a short and angry voice, he looked up at me and ran to the bathroom.
I thought back to the days Jake wasn't at school and wasn't answering his phone.
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I got worried about him so I asked kitty what was going on. She ignored the fact that I even exist like she always did, so I decided to call his mom. After talking to Andrea for a little while, we made a plan for Jake and I to meet at the library to talk.
"I was sick. It's fine." Were the first words he said to me when he sat down next to me.
I shook my head, "Were you Jake? You didn't answer my calls or texts and that isn't like you"
"It's fine Ems. It's really not a big deal. I promise," he said in a quiet voice. "It's whatever and I'm not putting it on you because you don't deserve to deal with it. They are my feelings and I am the only one that has to feel them." I watched him try to blink away tears fast enough that they wouldn't fall, but they were coming and he couldn't stop them.
"Do you want me to call Kitty?" I asked in a gentle voice. I figured that his girlfriend would know more than I did, so she could help him better.
After I said her name, his eyes got bigger and the tears came faster. "Okay, okay, okay. No Kitty." I said, offering my hand. "No kitty. Do you want to go sit in your car and talk a little bit?" I asked him. Personally I would prefer to feel my emotions somewhere other than a public library.
He nodded grabbed my hand, walking me out to his car. He explained everything. He told me about the way that his brain worked and the thoughts that he had. I told him that he could call me at anytime if he needed to talk to someone, and he did. I would come over and sit with him until his mom got home some nights, other times he would come over and hang out with Blaine and me.
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This time was different, he didn't want help and he was pushing me away, so that made me even more worried. I started running after him with Blaine close behind. Blaine caught up and met me at the bathroom, I knocked on the door. He leaned on the door so I couldn't move it, I looked at Blaine to help and he just took a deep breath to tell me to breathe.
I knocked on the door again, "Jake, can you please come talk to me?"
"No," he said, his voice audibly breaking.
I sat down outside the bathroom and slid my hand under the crack of the door, "you don't have to talk, handsome. Why don't you just come out and we can go home?"
I heard him move away from the door, probably trying to get away from my hand. I opened up the door and sat across from him in the bathroom, not caring how gross and dirty the floor was.
I looked at him and he had scratch marks from his neck to his chest and all down his arms, his thighs and hands had nail marks and little scratches from him digging, and I could see him biting his tongue. He had done this before, telling me that he needed to 'feel something' and it normally turned into something more.
"Oh, baby," I said holding my hands out for him. "Can you tell me what's going on?"
"No, I just... mmm mmm. I can't. I need to leave. I need to get my car and leave. I need to- I need to leave. I love you. You can love someone else so much a lot and they can give you presents that they think of and hold you. Mmm mmm. I need to go. I can't find my fucking keys good God I need to just go!" He yelled, starting to cry harder and harder.
After all of that, I didn't need to ask him where his brain was. I had to jump into the plan that he had made with his therapist. I went into a few appointments so I could learn what to do, and it was time to do it.
I texted the number to his therapist and his mom, telling them what was going on, and that I Blaine was going to take us to the hospital.
Jake saw what I was doing, "I'm fine please. I'm fine. I'm not going. I'm not fucking going. I'm fine," he cried.
"Shhhsshsh," I soothed, "okay deep deep breaths handsome. We are going to do our safe plan. Blaine is going to take us to the doctor, then go get out lil friends, okay? I know your brain is being scary, but we know what we need to do."
He shook his head and yanked me into his lap. He wasn't trying to be mean or hurt me, he just needed me close. He didn't want me to go, because one of the hospitals we went to wouldn't let me back with him.
Even his therapist saw that me being away during a time like this was counterproductive, so she put in his notes that I could be with him because I was his number one safe person. He knew that was in the plan, but his brain was moving too fast to know that now.
"Jake, shhh shhh," I said, moving to sit next to him so I could hold his head to my chest. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. I'm going to stay with you baby."
He clung to my shirt as I started softly rubbing the back of his neck, "I'm not going. You can't make me. Please. Please please I'm not fucking going. Just let me leave. You can forget. I know you can just forget."
When he said this, Blaine walked in from the hall. He was waiting outside to try and give Jake and me a little space, "Hey Jake, what's going on?" He asked, in a gentle voice.
Jake shook his head not wanting to talk and I just nodded. I looked up at Blaine with tears in my eyes, and nodded.
This small stupid motion of my head basically said, 'take him. Take him out of my arms, to the car, and to the hospital. It's too far to talk him down.'
Blaine nodded and pulled Jake to his feet. Jake stiffened his body trying to keep Blaine from being able to move him, but Blaine was stronger.
Blaine took Jake to the car as tears were streaming down my face. I had to be strong but I needed a minute. I needed a minute to breathe and process what was going on. Then I could be fine.
As Blaine started to drive I took a deep breath, trying to keep the sadness from my voice. I put my hand on Jake's and softly rubbed my thumb on his hand. "Okay so Blaine, after we get all checked in I need you to get our lil friends and bring them. I texted his mom, but once we have a plan please call her because I... I just can't."
"Don't drive to the hospital Blaine I swear to God," Jake said, his voice full of hate. Hate for my brother, hate for himself, and hate for the help he was getting.
We pulled into the hospital, and Blaine opened Jake's door, "Fuck you." Jake told him.
"That's good Jake," Blaine said, "get it out. Give me some of the anger. Take it out on me. Give me the hate and the feelings. I can take it. Give it to me. Give it all to me."
"Fuck you. Fuck you. I fucking hate this. Fuck you!" He yelled, starting to cry.
Blaine offered his hand to help Jake walk, "I know you do. You can do it. Let's just go inside get you checked in and you can chill with your girl. Does that sound like a plan we can do?"
Jake nodded and let himself lean on Blaine. Blaine softly rubbed his arm and helped him into the hospital. They went to sit down while I checked him in. It was hard for him to let me leave, but he was okay because he could see me.
I came back over to him with a nurse and a wheelchair, they had to put him in one because of hospital protocol.
The nurse looked at Jake, "okay honey, so we are gonna put you in this fancy chair and take you to a room. Once we get into the room you're going to put on a hospital gown just to help us out a little bit, but you can keep your underwear on. You get two people with you, and from your notes I think one of them is the young lady standing next to you. You are going to see a few doctors, and get asked some questions. Our number one goal is to keep you safe and comfortable, so if you need anything tell us."
"I need to get out of here," Jake told her, sitting in the chair and quickly grabbing my hand.
I kissed his hand, "I don't think we can leave right now baby. We are going to just listen to their plan and stay right here."
"She doesn't leave unless she wants to," he told the nurse.
"She's never going to leave the hospital, but the doctor might want a few alone words with you," she told him, pushing his chair to the room.
"She's not leaving!" He sobbed.
The nurse stayed in the room while he changed. As he was changing, and we weren't touching he just sobbed and screamed 'she's not leaving' over and over again.
Once he was done and able to get in the bed, I looked up at the nurse for the 'okay' to lay with him. When she nodded I got into the bed, softly kissing his head and keeping a hand on him at all times so he knew I was real.
"I'm right here baby. I'm not leaving you handsome," I said, trying to keep any sad out of my voice.